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Sober Dating ?

Old 10-30-2020, 04:58 AM
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Sober Dating ?

I have been sober for 6 months. I decided to get sober after leaving a relationship of 12 years. During those years we did and celebrated everything with alcohol. I have not dated anyone for the 6 months I’ve been sober. Now I think that I’m almost ready to start dating again. However, I’m scared to death of drinking again and don’t want to turn someone away due to them having a drink every now and then even though I can’t. Should I just look to date sober people or tell the people who have an occasional drink to please don’t drink around me.
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Old 10-30-2020, 05:05 AM
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Hi Jabari

I waited until I knew I would not drink no matter what, no matter what the temptation, no matter what rough patches the relationship might hit - because even the best relationships can have tough periods.

I waited until I knew I was not wanting to be with someone simply to make me feel better, or have them be almost like the human equivalent of a drink...

If you have that surety that you can stay sober no matter what, and you're not looking to have someone fix you, then you may be ready to date again...but if you're not sure...maybe you should wait a little while longer?

D


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Old 10-30-2020, 05:34 AM
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It seems to me that one has to be really stable with sobriety and within themselves before attempting to bring another into the equation.

If a person has an occasional drink that shouldn't throw me off in my own sobriety. I wouldn't want to ask anyone to abstain from anything just because it is harmful to me.

If dating a sober person, I would want that person to be really healthy on their road. We are learning to take care of ourselves and that means not taking care of others and staying in our own lanes in terms of staying sober. Its a bit tricky.

Just my thoughts.

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Old 10-30-2020, 05:44 AM
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I think it's a good rule of thumb to wait a year before doing anything big in your life....that includes dating. As Dee said, I feel like you have to be secure in your recovery before doing anything that could shake that. 6 months is a solid foundation, but at least for me, I felt like I needed more time to really find myself and heal from the physical and mental abuse I had put myself through while drinking. I wasn't ready to try and make room for anyone else in my life. Dating not only directly challenges sobriety - going on dates where drinking could be an option, alcohol centric venues - but also emotionally challenges it - things not working out, breaking up, intimacy, etc. It's just not worth it so early on, tbh.

That being said, if you really want to try dating, it's the best to just be up front about it. I did online dating and it was explicitly stated in my profile that I do not drink. Full stop, no questions, I just do not. I would reiterate that when planning for a date with something like "I don't drink, so I would prefer to go to a restaurant/*insert other venue where drinking is not the focus*" And then when the date came, I would have a plan. I ordered a non alcoholic drink regardless of what my date ordered (but I found more often than not the people who were genuinely interested in me did not drink during the first date either).

Being upfront just makes it easier. I never got the impression that anyone I went out with cared that much, and the people who did I wasn't really interested in anyway. After some time, I ended up with a guy who barely drinks at all (I've only ever seen him have like 2 beers over our time together) and honestly I'm much happier with him than someone who is still drinking constantly. Not good for me or my sobriety.

Good luck, be careful, and remember that sobriety is paramount to anything else in life.
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Old 10-30-2020, 05:45 AM
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If you are asking it sounds like it is too soon. You are still working on you. Best wishes.
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Old 10-30-2020, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Jabari View Post
I have been sober for 6 months. I decided to get sober after leaving a relationship of 12 years. During those years we did and celebrated everything with alcohol. I have not dated anyone for the 6 months I’ve been sober. Now I think that I’m almost ready to start dating again. However, I’m scared to death of drinking again and don’t want to turn someone away due to them having a drink every now and then even though I can’t. Should I just look to date sober people or tell the people who have an occasional drink to please don’t drink around me.
I wouldn't worry about it too much. I don't think you not drinking is going to turn many people away from you. Almost every drinker I have dated has not cared. Most even like it because then they have a designated driver.

However, you have to take into consideration the other factor which is are you ready to date a drinker? Are you okay with being around them when they are drinking and will probably inevitably ask you to have 'just one?' If the answer to that is no or even you even think it maybe no then I wouldn't risk it and I'd give it some more time until I felt more confident in my ability to stay sober around others who are drinking.
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Old 10-30-2020, 08:17 AM
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I hope you feel completely ready for anything before you begin dating. I think the bottom line is do you have confidence that you could deal with dating, including disclosing that you don't drink.
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Old 10-30-2020, 10:25 AM
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My fiance and I recently split up, amicably. I know I need to take some time, regardless of my addiction, to process everything, we were together for 7 years. But I can't wait to jump back into dating!!!

For me, I'm going to be upfront about the fact that I don't drink - but the details and reasons why can stay private unless a relationship starts to progress. Like others are saying, just make sure you are okay and happy and healthy - as dating can be stressful and difficult. When we are newly sober, added stress is the last thing we need! You'll know when you are ready!

💜
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Old 10-30-2020, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by tomls View Post
If you are asking it sounds like it is too soon. You are still working on you. Best wishes.
This is so true. Anything that’s right you don’t need to ask 🙏
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Old 10-30-2020, 12:58 PM
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Congrats to 6 months!

I was with someone for a very long time as well, once I was sober I let that relationship go.
I waited 1 year before dating and if I am honest, I probably should have waited longer.
When I was dating, I was honest about my drinking because I did not want to be with someone who drank every day, or every weekend. That was not the life for me. So, the more honest I was the more honest of a man I was able to find.
it takes time to heal
it takes time to figure out what you want out of life
and what you want out of a partner
Being alone for me was a blessing, and I still love being alone and having my time. It is very important to my recovery.

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Old 10-30-2020, 01:14 PM
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I got involved with someone when I was in full alcoholic mode. I have no idea how that happened, I must be a really charming guy because I was at a pretty low point when we were first going out. She doesn't drink and I clung to her for dear life. If she drank, my path to recovery would have been a lot harder and I probably wouldn't be here. So I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it's really preferable if your prospective betrothed doesn't drink. If she/he does, I'd probably skip the relationship and wait for someone else.
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Old 10-30-2020, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Jabari View Post
I have been sober for 6 months. I decided to get sober after leaving a relationship of 12 years. During those years we did and celebrated everything with alcohol. I have not dated anyone for the 6 months I’ve been sober. Now I think that I’m almost ready to start dating again. However, I’m scared to death of drinking again and don’t want to turn someone away due to them having a drink every now and then even though I can’t. Should I just look to date sober people or tell the people who have an occasional drink to please don’t drink around me.
Jabari, please be SO careful. Every time I dip my toes back into dating I do not do well. Hope, rejection, disappointment, fear, everything. It sends me for a loop. Please make sure you sobriety is ROCK SOLID. I've always kind of scoffed at the 1 year rule. But I have come to believe it whole heartedly (though I do entertain testing it at times).
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