FiveTries

True story GT. Thanks for that.
I should have stated that all of a sudden I think I can drink and get away with it. The biggest BS of all.

EndGameNYC

I feel as though you're putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. You don't have to fix everything all at once.

FiveTries

So true EndGameNYC. Seeing your post made me think that I need to remember I only have to fix one thing today - stay away from the first drink.

Last night went smoothly. Got good sleep and slept in.

EndGameNYC

Sounds like a good day. Keep up the good work. There are many more where that one came from.

FiveTries

Same story today. Slept like a mummy. I got 10 hours of sleep.

One week of sobriety is completed. Day 8. I love 8's. It makes me think of infinty symbols.

My body feels so much better it is truly night and day. I don't feel any physical problems. Went for a long walk last night that was beautiful.

Mentally I am clear and crisp.

I can see that my emotions are my hurdle. I fancy myself as a non-emotional person. I have tons of patience and I don't typically react emotionally to situations. At least outwardly.

I am now realizing that alcohol has played a big part in my emotional regulation. I used booze to manage how I feel. A release. And I almost never talk about how I feel, to anyone, which is not good for my relationships at all. Including with myself.

My cycle has been to punish myself for the underlying uncomfortable feelings, drown them out with booze, and then suffer the awful emotional consequences while basically believing that this is what I deserve. When I felt better again I drank until I hated myself once more.

When I drank the initial feeling was usually an enhanced positivity. And I almost always started when everything was going happily. But underneath the surface my demons were lurking. As I got drunker they haunted me. Then the day after I usually entertained the idea of suicide. I remember coming to and just wishing that I had not woken up. And I took pleasure from all of this.

A sick love hate relationship.

I plan to do one thing today and that is not pick up the first drink.

SoberLeigh

Great post, Five. Self-awareness is a great skill to have during recovery; it is good that you can see the relationship within yourself between behaviors, emotions and reactions with alcohol. Well done.

GerandTwine

I can feel your optimism. Great job at putting that cycle all into the past tense. What you called “going happily” into “an enhanced positivity” and “pleasure from all this” is the only thing I felt a little sadness in giving up in my early recovery. Everything else - good riddance. I think your life has already started coming up roses. Yes, there will be thorns, but thorns protect roses, so it’s worth weathering the thorns of life.

Watch out for your old drinking buddies trying to get you to drink, and don’t let anyone, anywhere, at anytime, cause you to question your “dead serious”, once-in-a-lifetime commitment that you will never drink again. That commitment is the priceless gem of recovery.

FiveTries

Things have taken a turn for the worse this evening. I can't sleep and it's past my bedtime.

Before I wrote those words this morning I didn't do a whole lot of thinking about it. As today has progressed I have come to the realization again that I have some serious mental problems.

I was thinking of dealing with demons only when I was drinking, because they were just completely off of the leash when I drank.

Now I am questioning whether I should be more scared of what is going on in my mind when I am sober. I honestly don't know if I have the words to describe the feeling. There's an energetic edginess, while being scatterbrained, depressed, anxious, and somber all at the same time. I'm bursting at the seams. All of the things that I hate about myself are mixed in there and that's a lot. Abuses that have been perpetrated against me and all of the horrible shameful things that I have done while under the influence. Everything that I am never going to escape.

So it's my addiction talking to me. Whispering sweet nothings. It seems like it haunts me just a little bit more each day, appears to go away for awhile and then comes back with a vengeance. This thing wants to kill me and I'm so frustrated that I have to deal with it at all. I could scream.

I know that I don't have to act on this, but it is very difficult for me to sit here with this feeling, just waiting for an explosion.

This all surely sounds insane but posting this is the only hope I have of making it go away right now without heading for the bar.

Dee74

I wouldn't freak out too much - try and keep grounded.

That kind of reaction is actually pretty common once we quit drinking. I feared I was seriously mentally ill at several points during my first 90 days, but the bad periods gave way to good ones and things got better.

That kind of fear drives a lot of people back to drinking if you let iy but the reality is that sober we are more capable than we know...you process a lot, you get through it and most of us come out the other side realising that we're not the monsters we thought we were...some things to regret or be embarrassed by sure but I'm sure no more than most of us here.

Turns out I'm a good person - I'm sure you are too.

If you can't shake the feeling and it's weighing you down or leading you to seriously think about drinking, its probably a good idea to see a doctor for a professional diagnosis...

but stick with this and see where this leads, ok?

D

Sammy1980

When you walk out the door to go to the bar, walk three miles the other way turn around and go home.

GerandTwine

This sounds good F112! You are using posting on SR to recognize your addiction and its “whispering sweet nothings” ... yes, nothings. You are perfectly capable of seeing how ridiculous it might be that you are going to “explode”. And you are effectively using your thread here to do some recognition of all the baloney your addiction spews out.

Your addiction’s idea that “Abuses that have been perpetrated against me and all of the horrible shameful things that I have done while under the influence.” can ONLY be solved by going out and getting drunk again is the most ridiculous logic of all that even a 5 year old could understand.

And the five year old would probably pipe up and say in little high pitched voice. “Yeah, and I remember you said yesterday you were never going to drink again. And you were real, real serious about it.”

And on top of it all, if you were to go to the bar and sit there in front of that drink and lift it to your lips and smell the aroma of that flavored volatile ethanol solution, I guarantee you that at that very singular moment: YOU would be FEELING GOOD, in fact, you would be feeling GREAT. So all those bad, intolerable, “I could scream” feelings and thoughts would already be gone and your blood alcohol level would still be zero. You would be feeling fantastic and still stone cold sober.

So, OK, scream if you want. Getting drunk again has nothing to do with dealing with those thoughts and feelings YOU don’t want to have.

Getting drunk again has ONLY to do with what you called “going happily” into “an enhanced positivity” and getting “pleasure from all this” which is something you are perfectly capable of refusing to do ever again.

GT

Mizz

My first week of sobriety was filled with anxiety and all sorts of emotions that were not helpful. I was a mess. I would go to work and wonder If I was going to make it in general. I knew if I gave it time I would level off. With each day I started to get more and more level. You will get there too.

Write it all out here. Just don't do the one thing that will set you back. Alcohol is not the answer to any problem you may have. You already know this. Eventually the roller coaster will stop. I guarantee it.

GerandTwine

Hi F112,

How are you?

GT

FiveTries

Doing pretty good, thanks GT!

Staying committed. I was quite tired after getting no sleep the other night. Otherwise I feel much better all around.

I want to talk about all of the ways I have noticed this addiction talking to me. I gotta wait for later to do that though because I am working now.

Mitra

Hi Five,

I'm only four days into my new life so can't really give any good advice but wanted to let you know that I am following your story and I am rooting for you.

FiveTries

Thank you Mitra I read your thread as well.
If you are anything like me you have tried to quit many serious attempts and hundreds of mental semi attempts. Lets make this the last!

I have been going through my normal routine and not having much trouble the past two days. Only one or two insanity moments. I have had a few thoughts of drinking but I brushed them off.

I think so many of my thoughts and feelings have been tied to drinking for so long that almost all of my thoughts are tied in to addiction.

It has been the idea behind certain things like listening to a particular band, or sitting in a certain spot, wishing I could stay up later, or acknowledging a lack of energy that I have noticed are actually about drinking.
These subtle little ideas in my head are very dangerous. If my mind said hey lets go to the bar it would be easier to dismiss.

EndGameNYC

You know what's really scary? The freedom to stop beating yourself up.

Being accountable is not the same thing as punishing ourselves for our mistakes and our unfortunate decisions. Relentlessly.

It's at the very least one less hurtful and time-consuming thing to do every day. I promise that you'll learn to live with it. You'll even like it long after you've taken it for granted.

Sounds like it might help to reach out and talk about these things with someone you trust, or someone you believe you can trust. Along with sticking around here and making good use of the help and support that's offered.

GerandTwine

Early on those “subtle little ideas in my head” did feel dangerous to me too. The old pattern of thoughts successfully leading to action (drinking) was all still so fresh, but you also mention the weak link for the addiction. At the end of that pattern of thought, IT’s got to finally convince YOU to take action and go get the booze; and that thought is SO obvious. Like you say, IT’s easy to dismiss because it’s so easy to identify as exactly what YOU have decided never to do again.

I eventually was able to do and enjoy everything my addiction tried to convince me required being inebriated. And I did it even better; Listen to and really dig Pink Floyd; get spontaneous and be myself on dates and social events; be alone and relaxed; etc. etc.

Some relationships I did leave at the wayside, wisely so. Life for me was changing and it was so much easier to “manage” my life without all that rigmarole and struggle trying to protect the drunken me parallel life (now long dead).

FiveTries

So it has been a pretty good sober day. I woke up a little tired but obviously no hangover. Got to work and things went smoothly. About halfway through the day I looked at a sobriety counter on my phone and realized I am on day 12. Starting to settle in to this idea of sobriety. I didn't even know I was over 10 days.

Then I drove through town and by a new taphouse I had been frequenting. I started dreaming about relaxing on the patio drinking beers. Of course it is cold outside now but in my thoughts it was warm. That vision was replaced though by one of me in a hospital bed dying.
I will pass on the beers and patio.

Now at home eating sweets getting ready for bed. Looking forward to the weekend!

Mitra

Hi Five

Still following your thread. Hope you had a good weekend.