So fed up with this battle
 

Hi all I'm embarrassed to be reaching out again. Had a bit relapse on the weekend acted out. Slept with an ex that is so toxic to me. Upset my family 😪😪😪 why why why cant I just stay sober I'm fed up with trying failing then trying again. Cant get into aa even though I have been going to meetings for years. Sacked my sponsor few weeks bk and decided to just do it myself. Ex doesn't get it says you should just plan it better make sure you are alone then have a few??? Why doesn't he get that I can't control it. He's a daily drinker but stops at a bottle of wine a night. I want total sobriety because of the mental health impact of the poison. Just in tears I'm 47 been a binge drinker for 30 years with a few years of total abstinence but I always go bk and try again. What a mess this is feel beaten down

HiEve

I'm sorry you're still struggling. Its obviously drinkings not working for you - what do you think is stopping you from committing fully to recovery and something like AA or another meeting based approach, or even just posting here more regularly?

D

Thanks for reply Dee. It's obvs not but I get some time then think I'm ok don't need to put all the effort to stay sober just don't drink. I get pulled into commitments exercise then get isolated feel shy in communicating then wham happens again. Feel like I'm still at we're I was 8 years ago including the ex the drink bla bla. Depressing this is not who I want to be

Eve, please don't be embarrassed. There's no shame in asking for help, although I've been hanging around people like us long enough to know that that's a common misconception. I'll say it again, because I need to remind myself often, too. THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP. That's the reason for meetings and forums like this -- so people like us have somewhere to go to ask for help.

You just have to keep trying. If you fall, get up. If AA didn't work for you, there are other programs. If something isn't working, try something different, or add to what you're already doing.

Don't give up on yourself.

Thank you Erica I do need to reach out thats were my failings are. I do feel and aldehyde have that I have a problem with communicating I tend to open up then close and pull away. So that's a huge thing I am going to have to change. I'm honestly so so fed up of it all

You are so very welcome. Keep trying. This is a great place to vent and get feedback.

I kept drinking no matter how I felt, what I was told or what happened until I was sick tired of it and wanted to not drink more then I wanted to.
I don't argue with the AV and I don't think past now about drinking if it pops into my head. If I don't drink now, life is a lot easier and simpler.

YMMV

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work". You have to find what works for you and keep Doing the work. Sobriety has to be your number 1 priority because nothing else will change unless you are sober. For me, I got help just long enough to feel better then I believed I could carry on with life. Didn't work for me. I had to change my thinking, and change myself by taking a small step, then another, then another. It is continuous growth. You will find your path as long as you keep taking a step in a new direction.

I have been a chronic relapser ever since I first tried to quit 10 years ago so no judgment here Eve. I am sober now but I know from experience that I am one drink away from 2 week bender.

I have had devastating consequences from my drinking which don't even come close to acting as a deterrent to keep me from drinking in the future. If I really want to drink there is nothing that will stop me. Consequences don't even enter my mind. I won't drink today, however. That's the only thing I can do.

I think what Dee said is so simple, and really is where I was when I quit. "Drinking isn't working for me."

You said the ex is toxic. He has no say in your drinking or how to do it. He also drinks a bottle of wine a day? He has his own problem then.

Just don't drink today and go to bed sober. That was the only thing on my To Do list in the first couple months. I don't drink, never will again.

Hi Eve. It's good that you are here and posting. I'm sure if I wasn't coming here everyday I'd probably be back to drinking by now. But honestly it's the furthest thing from my mind these days (almost 10 months sober). Keep posting Eve, you are going to figure this out.

I found Acceptance was key for me Eve. After relapsing more times than I can count its a really great feeling to Accept freedom. If only I had known, but I did not, I fought it.

It is so much better Eve. Sober.

:)Your boyfriend is not doing all that brilliantly if he's drinking a bottle of wine a night. You can only keep that up for so long.

Wishing you the best Eve, and hope to see you around.

I have asked myself the same questions you are asking a million times. It takes what it takes.
Don't give up on yourself and don't think that because you keep going back to alcohol that all is lost. Yes, I too have felt beaten down. So, what are you going to do?

You said you dumped your sponsor a few weeks back thinking you could do this on your own. Is that truthful now? Are you willing to go back to a meeting and do what you know has worked in the past? Relapse is a part of alcoholism. It is not every alcoholics road but it is for some. It has been for me. Chronic relapser here.

Your ex is feeding you a bunch of ********, to be honest. I would seriously consider the source. I mean, he is drinking a bottle of wine a night. A bottle of wine. That is a lot of alcohol, girl!

“My ex is toxic”

”My ex says I should just plan better”

Codependency much? And btw, I’m not attacking you. Like they say in AA, if you spot it, you got it. Just pointing it out. Maybe stay away from that person. AT ALL COSTS. Easier said than done I know, but that person will bring you down. Not because they are bad necessarily, but because you are a bad version of yourself when you have them in your life.

Hello eve123,

Well I think you answered your own question. You get some sober time, get cocky and stop doing what helped you stay sober and relapse. I've made that mistake countless times as well.

Also, as far as taking advice and explaining the problem of addiction to someone. Personally, I try to make sure I do that only to fellow addicts and alcoholics. Others, they won't get it and never will.

If I were you I'd make a list of things I need to do daily to stay sober - go to AA meeting, post on SR, watch a short YouTube video on staying sober etc... I'd make sure I do whatever these things are every single day for a long time. I think if you will do that it'll help you stay sober tremendously.

Whatever you do, don't give up, keep fighting. Yes it is a tough battle but the reward is so worth it!

Eve, you can change your life and be the person you want to be.

I hope you can accept that you can never drink again. For me, when that happened, I felt a shift in my thinking.

I found counselling the most helpful thing in this journey. I had a lot of emotional stuff going on that all fed into my drinking and my desire to 'escape'. Have you thought about speaking to someone. There are a lot of options online now.

You are among friends here, so there is no reason to be embarrassed Eve. Sending you love x

Sobriety is change , it’s changing your thoughts, perceptions, habits etc. it’s only when you realize that the games is over and you lost that you really win .

Agree with the bottle of wine a day comments. That’s what I drank for years. In terms of the UK healthy limit of 14 units a week, a bottle of wine a day is five times over that. It’s very dangerously high. I said I drank that much before, and I ended up with a fatty liver. If I’d carried on with that bottle a day, I truly believe I’d have irreversible liver damage by now.

Luckily I quit, it was tough, but I’d have struggled if I was around drinkers. Life’s too short. Ditch the drinkers. Join those of us who don’t drink and have got our lives back and then some, Good luck.

Yes probably best not go backwards to your ex. Sometimes we get so used to a person over time we feel comfortable and somewhat safe even in a toxic environment.