eve123

Thank you all so much for replying day three now got up this morning couldn't stop crying. Can not believe that after years of keeping away from that person because of all the pain and trouble that happened then just like that I go bk to were I was!! Been trying to recover from that and alcohol for a long time but during that relapse it all went out of the window. It truly is insane. Think this lockdown hasn't helped but still I must be crazy

Dee74

Cut contact with the guy and focus on your recovery eve - you can do this!

D

eve123

Yes I must put it first I'm at the end of my teather now I feel so depressed lost and a complete mess. The lies I told my family pretending not to drink etc. I will stick close to sr this time it helps

boreas

Hi eve,
I relate to a lot in your post. We’re the same age, and I've been divorced for many years with my fair share of useless romantic attempts since my divorce.

I know well the hopelessness, and the terrible feeling of spinning your wheels and feeling like you just can’t get your s#*t together. But you can. The terrible thing about alcohol abuse is that it skews your perspective and robs you of your ability to see clearly and make good, well thought-out decisions.

To me, going back to an ex is the same as going back to the bottle. Short term relief with no long-term gain. In the end, we just punish ourselves.

Once I quit drinking I could begin to work on all of the underlying issues that led to that point. Short term sacrifice and pain for long term gain. It’s a much better path.

It helped me a bunch to see my sobriety as an investment in myself. I not only put down the bottle...I also ate well, started exercising, focused on sleep, took care of my hair, skin, etc...all the things I had neglected. Sobriety became part of a bora-overhaul, a sort of internal and external renovation that I am now so invested in that drinking is never more than a fleeting thought.

I’m still working on how to make good decisions in relationships. That will take a while. But we are all works in progress...each day I just try to do better than the last. It’s funny...when you reframe how you look at your life, and really assess what makes you happy, being alone beats flogging a bad relationship any day of the week.

You can do it, just like all of us. Self improvement is the most rewarding work you will ever do.
-bora

DriGuy

The only way for an alcoholic to be in control is to not drink at all. But us alcoholics want to drink and be in control. We can't do that. We can't breath under water either. We just have accept reality, and adapt to it, or we just stay drunk. If I had to choose a higher power, reality would be a good one. You can't get much higher or more "ultimate" than that.

Eve, do you ever feel self destructive, or notice that you sometimes sabotage yourself? I only ask because I have wondered about this in myself, and I don't think it's an uncommon thing. It's where the phrase, "You are your own worst enemy" comes from. I don't think it's a crazy psycho thing. It's more like a bad habit, and we can change our habits. Just something to think about.

I believe we all deserve to be happy, and I think we get that by being thoughtful about what we do to insure that we create some of that for ourselves.

eve123

Boreal it's exactly like that 'why the heck can I not get out of this and get my life in order' just tired of constantly making the same mistakes main one bro g drinking because I know due to previous sobriety time that when I'm away from the wine I don't do whoppers. It's hard to accept that it's me causing all this chaos and since he's my daughters dad it's harder still to deal with the fall out.
Dry guy yes very self destructive that's totally right it's shocking I will acctually put myself in a position to be hurt put down etc. It's all me it's a shocker but so so right.
trying to tidy house today feel like I'm climbing Everest seriously this sucks

Mizz

Let it all out and then move forward. A good cry never hurt anyone. In fact, a good cry is needed sometimes.

I think you have learned a lot recently. There is a some **** to sort through emotionally and it will take time but you will be better for it. Be gentle with yourself. You are taking the necessary steps to get sober and you have 3 days!!! That is amazing!
You got this. Are you attending AA again?

eve123

Thanks yes I have logged on to a few zoom meetings real life meetings are not allowed here now been like that since March. Zooms ok but not the same but better than nothing. Just so cranky and emotionally drained today just can't believe how much time I have wasted feeling like this. Hate how I feel today

TiredCarpenter

For me, and I think, for many of us learning how to live sober is the challenge.
I recall having a talk with other sober people, none in the group had more than three years sober. The topic was learning how to “date” (be physically intimate with) someone without booze.

I know SR has strict rules on this topic for our protection. I hope I’m ok bridging the subject.

We have to live sober in all aspects of our lives, including intimacy.

Many moons ago I had a woman trying to get me to drink though she knew I was sober, I guess she was hoping that the booze would act as the ‘social lubricant’ that we sometimes call it.

Non-alcoholics don’t understand our condition and we can’t expect or demand that they do. I just have to take measures to ensure my own safety from alcohol. It is a life or death thing for us (for me).

BornSurvivor

I think this can happen when we get in the cycle of addiction as well. Even though active addiction was horrible I think I got very comfortable in the cycle I was in. I got used to it and I wasn't treating relapses as serious as I should have. I had to break out of that cycle and realize that I deserve better to truly change.

Mizz

That is wonderful to hear about the Zoom meetings! They are not the same as in person. We also do not have in person meetings here. It is a bit strange to me.

You will not always feel this way. This too shall pass. You know this!
It looks to me like you have corrected the course and now you are on the right path. I bet you tomorrow will feel much better than today! I am glad you are here.

Mizz

How are you doing? Check in when time allows.

eve123

Day 4 today. Was ok waking up had good sleep then my mood dropped feeling angry bitter resentful and a bit unstable. Just so angry with myself for putting myself in this position and realising what a huge mistake I'd made with ex as he came over yesterday and the toxic stuff happened full force. My head was muddled and I felt like I was being overwhelmed. he also bought some wine for himself. I just feel weak that I did something that I swore I'd never do again. He left sharpish and took alcohol with him. I have to sort my life out this is a horrible mess. I'm scared that my head will not clear that this is it now just live with it do the best I can. Not trying to be nagar I've just trying to explain how my head is as I tend not to share this stuff

BornSurvivor

What's done is done no sense in making it worse by constantly thinking about it. Learn from it and move on. Of course it's definitely easier said than done but as addicts we can't dwell on past mistakes otherwise we will go crazy.

Focus on taking it one day at a time. Just stay sober today and keep at it. That's what is most important!

Stay away from your ex! It sounds like there's a lot of bad memoires there and clearly he is adding stress to your life which is something you don't need right now.

Awake61

Please stay away from your ex. This is something I should have done years ago, when even then I knew my partner was a selfish jerk. It only gets worse and we don't deserve it. I'm working on a plan to finally leave my cold home.

boreas

Sobriety gave me a gift I didn’t anticipate...a sense of calm.

You see, I’m a worrier by nature. There is no molehill so insignificant that I couldn’t blow it up into a mountain. The real mountains really sent me into orbit. I was screwed up so tight it was ridiculous and it helped...nothing. All that angst was just self punishment inflicted day after day. And alcohol made it so much worse.

The truth is, we do things. Sometimes bad things. We have to deal with the consequences. That’s life. Sobriety is, at it’s core, life on life’s terms. But the wonderful thing is, I am who I am, and I have every right to be here doing good things and making mistakes. I’m trying, and in the end that is all I can do.

I really feel for you, as I spent years flinging around on that same ferris wheel, flogging the same mistakes. You really can just forgive yourself, shake it off, and do better tomorrow. Wallowing in frustration at bygone errors is a sure way back to the bottle.

My advice is to keep doing the right thing. There will come a time when you will laugh at your past stupidity...a sweet, understanding laugh of self care knowing that you may have made mistakes, but you are doing everything in your power to do better. Many are inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt and forgive. We need to give that same grace to ourselves.
-bora

Dee74

Things will get better Eve - so long as you keep making good choices

D

ShilohWon

pure and simple. You have a disease. Have you surrendered and admitted that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable? Start there and see what happens. Go to some meetings. They are all over zoom if you can't go face to face. Get a sponsor. Get a home group. Work the steps. You'll find serenity if you want to. God bless. Glad you're here. Shiloh