Bambam11

Hi all ,

I’m new on here. My partner of 11 years was admitted to hospital nearly 6 weeks ago , only weeks after telling myself and her family she has been a functioning alcoholic for years .

I met my partner when I was 18 , she is 15 years older then me but from the minute I met her I knew she was the one . She has always been what my mother would call ‘a drinker’ as in she enjoyed a beer and loved a party or social gathering . Although we enjoyed the early part of our relationship holidaying in Ibiza and concerts etc it’s only in the last couple of years I noticed how little she enjoyed doing anything other then drinking which caused us to drift apart .

She had a very tough childhood and on one occasion opened up to me about abuse from her father but never mentioned it again , he died two years ago and I think this may have been the turning point in her enjoying a drink and becoming dependent on one .

As mentioned earlier she was hospitalized 6 weeks ago and has been told there is a 30% chance of mortality . She is in her early 40s and has no other health conditions . It has been the worst time of my life and every day her prognosis seems to change . Her bilirubens have only started to drop but she is now having a problem with her kidneys .

i am hoping to chat to anyone who may have been in this situation or is a family member of someone that has. I would also love to chat to anyone who is in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic .

thanks
x

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, Bambam11. I'm sorry you're going through all of this, but I'm glad you found us here.

Hevyn

Welcome, Bambam. I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. It is heartbreaking.

I can relate to your partner. I'm an alcoholic, & was headed to an early death if I didn't quit. I drank socially for many years - but it became a necessity. I remember thinking that some day I would have to quit - but that day never seemed to come. In the end I was drinking all day, living a reckless life.
My first marriage was to an alcoholic who fancied himself functional - until he began taking alcohol to work & always keeping a certain amount in his system so he wouldn't shake. Neither of us ever imagined allowing our lives to be taken over by alcohol. It had seemed fun, relaxing, & harmless.

Please know that you're not alone. Many here have been through this. My first husband passed away because he could not stay off it. I pray your partner will recover and be determined to reclaim her life. This tragic time can be turned around.

We have a friends & family forum: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

BeABetterMan

Hey Bam, welcome. A couple things I would mention and I would hope you would take to heart. 1. I am not a doctor and the situation certainly sounds very serious, but the human body's ability to recover from the damage done by alcohol is astounding. Much like anything, duration of abuse, age of patient, other complicating circumstances and the assumption that the person ceases to drink further all play a role, but I would tell you to remain hopeful. It is important that you look for strength wherever you can find it (see note 2. below). But you must remember, you have ZERO control over the situation. So you should not stress about what you could have or can do to fix this problem. Hopefully you have confidence in the doctors and this will all work out. 2. I highly recommend you look into Al-Anon. It is a support group for spouses/partners and family members of people with alcohol abuse problems. The members of Al-Anon are supremely qualified to provide you support. The impact that a person that abuses alcohol has on others' lives can not be overstated. It touches many obvious aspects of their lives, and many not so obvious.

I am an alcoholic. I am not a bad person, I am sick. Your partner I imagine is the same. It sounds like you found true love and that you want badly what's best for her. Quite simply, the best thing you can do for her is to be the best version of yourself possible. Understanding what that may look like can really be helped by the folks at Al-Anon. I have attached a link to find online/digital Al-anon meetings below. Now if for whatever reason, you feel like Al-anon is not something you're willing to entertain at this moment, the people here will do our best to support you with whatever you're going through. But it's kind of like asking the hammer to help you fix the nail. There are some AMAZING people on this site, but remember, a lot of us are more like your partner than we are like you Either way, welcome welcome welcome.

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...onic-meetings/

Bambam11

Thanks to all three of you !

To be able to talk to others feels amazing , I feel guilty talking about myself to family and friends at the minute as my partner is the one that’s the real concern .

I think what I’m quite surprised about is there are so many people on her that are alcoholics but have not had to receive hospital treatment . She is 43 and this is her first hospital admission so I’m kind of in shock at how quick it has became so serious . Her jaundice is still very bad but was told on Monday her bilirubins are dropping which is a good sign but then she had a terrible pain in her side which is kidney related.

She has been told that in a few weeks she will be put on to the liver transplant list ( needs to abstain for three months and she is 8 weeks down ) so the situation is serious .

the medical team has been amazing but she hasn’t been seen by a councilor yet which I find strange?

Hevyn

Maybe she was drinking more than you realized - I was very sneaky about my consumption as my dependence grew.
I hope they do suggest counseling soon. That will be very helpful.

Bambam11

I’m even starting to think she may have been an alcoholic when I met her but it just took me years to start finding bottles hid around the house .

is there any advice you can offer me for if she recovers ? For example when she comes home ?

AlbaSober

First of all I wish you and your partner all the best for a speedy recovery. Most of us are aware we're alcoholics early in our drinking 'careers'. I knew I was an alcoholic within about 6 months of starting drinking, the yearning for more, the annoyance that others were slowing down rounds by drinking slower. Of course that escalated to hiding bottles or spreading them more thinly around the house. 3 small stashes always looked less that 20 bottles grouped together!

As for advice there will be others best placed, but you've now first hand experience about the help available from this forum. Your partner will relate to the stories/ thought-processes from members because, as alcoholics, our minds work basically the same. So number 1 on the list of recovery tools should be this forum alongside a medical fact that the liver can recover if she abstains from alcohol. Hopefully this scare will make her realise the time to quit is now. Stick around and let update us on her progress back to health. X

Bambam11

She has told me and the doctors that she hasn’t even thought about alcohol since being admitted . I have no idea if this is true or not but I believe she may have been trying to weed herself off alcohol in the months leading up to her hospital admission. It’s almost as if her body went into shutdown when she stopped or something .

she’s lost so much of herself in the last few years , she had a good job but before hospital was in a job she hated , lost touch with most friends ,had no hobbies or things she enjoyed and even though we were still together we weren’t really . I really hope she can rebuild herself if she gets through this .

Cityboy

I hope she recovers and that you guys can work through it and build a relationship based on remaining sober.

Anna

I am very sorry that you are going through this situation with your girlfriend. I hope that she heals and decides to stop drinking. As others have said, it's likely that she was hiding her drinking from you because that's often what alcoholics do. It sounds like she has a tough road ahead of her. When she comes home, there is little that you can do to help her. Recovery is something she will need to do for herself. You might like to check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.

I hope you know that you are not alone.

Hevyn

Bambam - I think the realistic approach you're taking to all this will serve you well. You're not assuming anything. I agree with what Anna said - there's little you can do for her. Being patient & kind probably comes natural to you - and that will be important. I also agree that Al-Anon could be very helpful.
I hope she'll consider joining SR. She won't feel alone - she'll be able to talk frankly about her feelings & get some tips on how to deal with her new normal.

Zencat

HI Bam
I wish you guys all the best during this trying time.
Women don't metabolize alcohol as well as men generally speaking. It may have appeared she din't drink much but then it doesn't take much drinking to cause serious damage to her. I say, pick out some recover plan to do and stick around here at SR.
quick link https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...formation.html (Recovery Programs and Resources Information)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...cular-web.html (Secular Web)

Erica375

Bambam, I can't think of anything to add except my well-wishes for you and your gf. Much love to both of you.

freedomfries

Wishing her all the best. Hopefully she has a speedy recovery and this hospital admission will be a wakeup call. Best of luck to both of you.

Gabe1980

I am so sorry about your partner......I just wanted to send some love and support to you xx