BeABetterMan

So yesterday was 90 days sober. Which is a good thing, but to me, in the grand scale, not that big of a deal. What I have my eyes on is much greater and is not measured in days but in years.

However, I am really struggling recently. I've been on antidepressants for around 10 years. Since getting sober, I have not seen the bounce back to my normal energized self that I'm accustomed to. Not mentally and not physically. If you have seen my posts here, I have been complaining of fatigue. My doc and I determined it might be my medicine so we recently switched my meds. The new med was HORRIBLE. It was causing major anxiety and just generally bad feelings. I've been on and off meds for a decade so I know to give them time to work and not to quit cold turkey and all of that. BUT, I had to cease taking that med and I've decided to not restart my previous medication. Something happened and it was not working like it used to. Now that I am sober, I want to try to live without the medicine because I don't like the side effects. BUT, it has been ROUGH. I'm noticing some new types of thought and they suck. Obsession: I'm obsessing again. What I mean by that, is having trouble letting go of a thought once it takes hold. I will say, what I've learned in AA has been really helpful here. But last night, I committed the ultimate sin in my world. The biggest no-no, the el stupidest of el stupidos. I texted my ex-gf. She is 9 months sober. I am three. It was totally pleasant and just catching up, but it might as well have lasted a month. I am not obsessed with her. Not like, I'm going to drive to her house or stalk her on the internet, just that it is hard to see myself as a sole entity...like I only see myself as not with her. Now mind you, it's not like I think it would really work, she hurt me 1,000,000 times BADLY, I hurt her too. She's not like, "the one that got away". (although my thoughts are kicking around like, now we are both sober, maybe it would work). This is more about my co-dependency and my obsessive thoughts. I'm glad that I'm noticing it. I think I will overcome it. But it is a major struggle at the moment. I'm not craving a drink or anything like that, but what I've noticed throughout my addiction is that something upsets the cart and then all kinds of bad habits and thoughts start sticking around longer than they should. And before you know it, I'm drunk or in jail (or drunk in jail most commonly). And this is a weird thing to talk to people about, I try but the truth is I know what I need to do, I know it takes time. So there isn't a quick fix and to my addict brain, I hate that. I am feeling uncomfortable and I want it gone NOW.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing that. Ugh.

least

Congrats on your 90 days sober! I'm sorry you're feeling so 'off'. I hope this feeling passes for you soon.

Be123

Hi BABM. First up congrats on 90 days, it's one of life's pleasures to see people who struggled to get sober make a go of it. And I've only been on here 8 months, I need to stick around longer to see more people succeed 😁

As for your issue here - well done for being open and acknowledging it. It's happening, you're not fully in control of it. It sounds really hard

I dont have any answers mate but I'm in your corner. Keep at it

Sober45

Good vent BABM. I'm sending positive relaxing vibes your way right here right now. Sometimes the act of "trying to figure things out' can wear us down. If I'm to be honest, sobriety for me has opened a hornets nest of problems on the home front. There were things I didn't see or tolerated while drinking that I can no longer put up with and I'm going at it HARD. Fixing the damage we done to ourselves takes time so we need to be patient...you know that already.

I spend a lot of time visualizing what I want...using my imagination. I believe that we are both creative forces and whatever we want to see in our lives going forward will occur in our minds first.

Right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be....accept where you are and flow with it.

BeABetterMan

Thanks so much everyone. Thanks for not judging me either. I know some of my thoughts and logic are not ideal. But I'm just putting out my flawed actions and thoughts for observation and for catharsis.

Anna

When I get an obsessive thought, I try to not respond with logic. I think I can quiet the voice, but I am actually empowering the voice. The ironic thing with obsessive thoughts is the more attention you give the obsession, the more more intense it becomes. At least, this is my experience with these kinds of thoughts. I try to immediately distract myself by thinking of something that makes me happy, but it's hard.

90 days is great and I know you will continue to find your way on this journey.

LumenandNyx

Life's a bit of a mystery, isn't it.. Just when we think we know what to expect, the sucker punch lands us sideways. But it doesn't usually lay us out flat for too long. Just gotta keep getting up, dusting off, and trudging ahead. Maybe sniff a flower or two along the way.

Wastinglife

I've been on antidepressants off and on for close to 20 years. Drank on them pretty much the whole time. I went cold turkey several times. Had these 'brain zaps' which felt like an electrical current going through my head. I'm still not sure if i was depressed because of the drinking or if I was drinking because I was depressed.

I am on no medication at all currently. 7-8 hours sleep and a brisk walk for an hour or two seem to work better than medications for me. And of course, no drinking.

I also text ex-girlfriends from time to time. Only when I'm drunk haha.

BeABetterMan

Yeah, that unrestrained texting only happens when I'm drunk too. Except this one. Ugh, I'm still so mad at myself. I did want to respond though, because I'm definitely experiencing the brain zaps. So far just a lot of sleep and as much exercise as possible has been my plan. I would love to have 2020 be the year I last texted that girl, and that I gave up booze and meds for good.

I hope you're doing well WL. Are you sober?

stonecoldcc

congrats on 90 days sober!! that’s amazing!! thank you for sharing this exes are a landmine and i think you have a lot of self awareness which can be so hard in these situations.

stickyone

Congratulations on the 90 days. Obsession ain't all that bad it depends on what the obsession is. Changing medication can be rough especially with the side effects of it. Just like when we stopped drinking or any type of mind altering substance's our brain goes through alot of changes. You will get pass this BABM. Have a wonderful day

Dee74

Congrats on 90 days BABM

I started to feel a lot better mentally and physically after 90 days - I hope you will too.

I’d run your not taking the meds anymore by your doctor.
I get not wanting to be medicated but personally? I found I need to be to continue the quality of life I want.

Who knows, it might be that the el stupido and obsessive thoughts are related to your decision to abruptly stop meds,

D

Steely

Congratulations on 90 days BABM.

I'm in no way encouraging you to ditch your meds, but need to say both benzo's and anti depressants really messed with my head. First, when I developed tolerance to the benzo's and they failed to work. Developed symptoms I could not put my finger on. Nor could doctors. Further PAWS symptoms after I stopped 20 months ago. It has been awful. I had the obsessive thinking too. Improved a lot. Lots of weird mental stuff.

I didn't take anti anti depressants for long as got terrible adverse effects. Tried quite a few, same response.

I don't take anything anymore BABM and am relying on exercise, diet, and engaging in the world to do the job.

This is my experience only BABM.

Hope you start to feel better soon.