I fell
 

I had nearly a month and I relapsed tonight.

I don't want to play the victim. I simply decided I could not deal with the emotions that I was experiencing. I was completely overwhelmed and I was not strong enough.

I have drunk a half bottle of scotch and completely ruined nearly a month of sobriety.

I'm not sure if I want to continue this fruitless pursuit of sobriety or just accept the fact that I'm always going to be broken in some way or another and stop fighting for perfection.

It's not fruitless! It just seems that way right now. We're all broken in some way. The pursuit of sobriety is not a 'fight for perfection', but an ongoing quest to better ourselves. Progress, not perfection. Also, I had to stop fighting alcohol. I surrendered when I understood it would always beat me. Now I don't engage with alcohol at all and there's no sense of 'fighting', just a deep feeling of peace and contentment.

Don't give up on yourself. I felt broken and beyond repair but with the encouragement of the members here, I didn't give up, I kept trying. And in less than 2 months, I'll have 11 yrs sober. :) So you see, it IS possible. :hug:

I feel for you Flowing. Been where you are many times. I hope tomorrow you will choose not to continue. We are here to support you no matter what. Remember one thing...you are perfectly imperfect.

Hi Flowing. I'm sorry for the painful time you're going through.
It took me a while to finally realize drinking was never going to comfort me or provide any relief from troubles. It only added to my misery & disappointment.
The last time I tried to drink away my emotions was just before I found SR. I was in terrible shape & couldn't imagine a way out. The more I read & posted - the more hope & courage I found. We all understand! I think you've learned something valuable - let's try this again.

Ouch ... I remember getting to that point myself.

Giving up on giving up, just wanting to accept that I was going to drink till I died.
(And the creeping feeling that day wouldn't be too far off if I kept it up at that level)

In the end I had to go get some advice from folks who had succesfully stopped and were happy about it.

Ask them what they did (12 step recovery) and follow in their footsteps.

Scary ? .... YES

Scarier than continuing the way I was ?
The anxiety, the panic attacks, the vomiting, the diaorhea, the lies, the deceit, the guilt, the shame, the blackouts.

NO

So I had to do what I had to do. 6.5 years later, things are pretty good 😊

Recovery is not about perfection. It is about repairing damage done by past actions. It is seeking to minimize future damage by improving behaviors and thus the right actions that follow.

Drinking is about increasing guilt from past actions. It seeks to maximize future damage by degrading behaviors and thus the wrong actions that follow, which in turn increase the guilt and propagate the cycle.

Okay, can't change that; but keep in mind that you are not the first person on here do that. Every person on here that has that as part of their history made a choice after that action as to which path to choose for their next action. Which do you choose?

Both paths are simple in nature. Both are hard and come with pain along the way. But only one comes with the hope of a better future. The other one comes with a promise of a miserable future. Which do you choose?

Hi Flowing

I dunno about you, but I drank for decades - I knew at the outset it was going to take a little longer than a month for me to get used to feeling again and living sober.

Your inner addict will wind you up with panic and despair and suggest this is the best it gets but if that were true there's be no one here with more than a few weeks :)

It didn't actually take that much longer for me for things to settle - by 3 months I was feeling pretty good and getting used to emotions and sober life - but I'm glad I perservered after my first month which was not great...but support helps - post here before you drink!

It is worth it - and we can and do get through even the bad days sober - but you'll never get to experience that unless you commit to it?

D

I’m sorry you relapsed. These thoughts you’re having about sobriety not being worth it and you not being adequate to achieve it IS the addiction in action. It’s why I relapsed in the past. Realizing the benefits of sobriety takes time. I’m looking at it as a process that may take years. I look at it like I’m working hard on planting seeds now that I will harvest in the future.

I can honestly say after 9 months sober I’m reaping some rewards. Being able to look at myself in the mirror is one of those. Your sober streak is not a loss. Get back to it and in a few days you’ll be Glad you did I’m sure.

Flowing, no one is perfect and if you are seeking perfection for yourself, you're going to have an impossible journey. However, you can stop drinking, begin your sober journey, and have a wonderful and fulfilling life. Emotions can seem overwhelming sometimes, but you can get through those moments. I hope you decide to stick with sobriety and recovery. :)

I relapsed this past Wednesday because I was blind to and thus blindsided by an old trigger. Like you, I wondered if my pursuit of sobriety is fruitless.

And yes, after the PTSD/panic attack incident I felt very broken. Unfixably broken. Hopeless. Actually, I still fear I'm hopeless, but I'm willing to try to see if there's a way I can live happily (which means soberly) around my brokenness.

Please stick around. Please keep trying. Everyone is broken in some way.

I was totally falling apart when I quit.

Physically and mentally. I had relapsed hundreds of times. I didn't know that I was relapsing. I just thought I was not an addict because I could go 1 day, a week, a month etc.

Then when my BP was 190/120, etc etc, I finally stopped kidding myself and began living clean. I still crave, but I know all about booze. I know that I will get a little buzz if I drink a little. If I drink a bunch, I will get very drunk. I will slur my words, feel euphoric, and stumble around Yay?

I am not going to say do it my way, because I could relapse in 5 minutes. I will say that I pray you figure out what I did soon, otherwise your problems will just get worse and worse.

I am craving a bit right now, but in about 5 minutes, I will feel amazing and be happy I didn't decide to poison myself again.

Thanks.

You mentioned something about "the perfection". Boy do I understand how you feel. The important thing is to remind yourself that none of us is perfect. I think we believe perfection lies in sobriety and it's just not true.

Maybe accepting that we aren't makes it easier? I'll let you know if I get there.

No matter what you do now, you’ll be faced with this choice again. So let’s say you just accept that you’ll always be a drunk. Go for it. The only thing that will happen is that you’ll do a bunch more suffering and return again to a point where you tell yourself that drinking doesn’t work and something has to change. So decide now or kick the can down the road, up to you. But drinking as a solution will inevitably abandon you, and the longer you cling to it, the more damage will be done.

Flowing, I was a drunk for 40 years and now 10 years sober. All the agony will go away with time sober, it really will. Rootin or ya. :egypt:

You can do this! Do not let this take you out into drinking again. You drank, you learned and now you start tomorrow anew.
It can be done and has been done by so many, myself included. Dont give up on yourself! We certainly are not giving up on you!!

You are an inspiration. I'm trying to make a day. I will keep plugging away. Making it a month is awesome

We have all been there. No-one would say it is easy, but it is simple. For me it was all about taking a real decision and accepting that I could not control my drinking, but I could control my not drinking. You can too.

What's done is done. You can't change the past but you can learn from it.

Now you know a situation you drank in and why you drank. Come up with a plan for next time so you are better prepared and even better than that try to think of other situations where a relapse might happen so you can prepare for that too.

Also, you didn't lose that month of sobriety. You got to a month and no one can take that from you. You can get right back there very quickly and now you will be better prepared for that situation since you will have a plan.

Keep fighting your sobriety is worth it.

Sorry to hear about your relapse. But one positive thing from your post...you were aware of your emotions, and how overwhelming they were. That's a huge first step. Many people aren't even aware of their thoughts and emotions, and then are stumped as to why they relapsed. The next step now is figuring out what to do the next time you are emotionally overwhelmed. I have found CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to be really helpful when trying to be aware of my thoughts and how to respond to them appropriately. Try checking it out :)

:grouphug: Hi Flowing.
I'm a wellness "tool box" fellow. I use a combination of wellness strategies daily to keep me on the path of healthy habits. Here at SR there is a wealth of support and a vast verity of recovery methods to choose from. Maybe choose from them to make a personalized program of recovery that fits your needs.
Keep posting because SR is great place for support. Don't give up. You are very worthy and have some much to gain.