Phil71els

Took the librium the doctor gave me as directed and finished the course last Friday, it was going well and I felt good. Got a few days sober days after the pills and I stepped off again on purpose, I found a useless random excuse and bought 2 bottles of wine on Monday. I hate my self, I dont want this anymore. Today is gone, already ****** it up. The sickness was so bad earlier i already drank a bottle of red. I made such a mistake. Again.
I cant understand or work out what I had the last time which made the sobriety stick (I had 18 months) that I cant seem to find this time. Do I need to push it so far again that I think I'll lose my family? I dont understand.
I have been working out and eating well, also eating the usual sugary food if/when the crave hits which helped in the past. I do not want to drink ever again. Its almost like I am on autopilot sometimes.
I cant go back to the doctor already for more benzos and I am unsure I can push through the illness without. I know three days will get me over it but ******* hell I just want it to stop now. I just want it to stop now.
I bought enough to get me until Sunday with a plan that I will never drink again from then. I know the advice here will be pour it down the drain but I know I wont, at least not tonight. So I've tonight and probably tomorrow to negotiate which as anyone here knows will be fine but when sunday comes I dunno what I can do to stop from buying more.
I feel so miserable coming back having failed so quickly again.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

It looks like you have done and do is what so many of us have done and continue to do until we finally get sober. You externalize things. Drinking is an internal experience. So is alcoholism, cravings, our AV, and yada yada. \

Perhaps the time you managed to accumulate 18 months of sobriety, you didn't overthink everything to death. Instead - maybe you just simply stopped drinking. That's really the only thing you have to do - every day. Become a non-drinker.

The more days you can put behind you as a non-drinker, the more you'll begin to feel like a success. Because YOU WILL BE.

freedomfries

It happens. You know what you have to do. Get through the withdrawal without the librium. It'll be miserable but you can do it. Then your new life begins

Dropsie

I am sorry to hear that.

Sounds like you can stop, but do you really want to?? You said "I am unsure I can push through the illness without."

Almost all of us did, and we, or at least I, am no super hero. Just stubborn. I took a decision and then NQTD (never quit the decision). Not easy, but so simple.

You got this.

SoberLeigh

Really glad that you posted, Phils; so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Yes, I am going to say get rid of the wine; it will only bring you misery.

Have you learned any deep breathing techniques? What about guided meditations? A Google search will take you to many sites. Both take practice but skills can be quickly amassed. Deep breathing can be done almost anywhere or anytime.

A Sober Plan can be integral to success. There is a great thread here. I will look for it and link it.

Fusion

Yes, my experience was that habituated drinking became hard-wired into my brain. So when I wished to stop drinking, I had to over-ride that by NOT drinking, even when an autopilot part of my brain wanted to drink. Research is proving that neuroplasticity kicks in and the hard-wiring is re-routed to 'non-drinker mode' and from experience, I've found that to be true.

If you drink over the next couple of days, I guess it's because drinking is easier than dismissing the 'let's have a drink-thoughts'. I've found that most things in life worth achieving, take effort, but then I was a slow learner, took me two decades.

nez

I have nothing to add except the following sentiment That is pretty straight forward advice coming from your soul screaming at you to listen.

biminiblue

I think if you have tried over and over and can't make it stick, then try something new.

How about AA? How about medical detox, in hospital? How about outpatient intensive programs? How about rehab? Sounds pretty awful.

Hevyn

Phil - You didn't make it this time - but you're no failure. You wouldn't be back here to talk about it if you'd given up. Sometimes this is the only way we learn - to prove to ourselves we can't touch a drop, or off we'll go again. I tried many times to moderate & be a social drinker. In my heart I knew it could never be. I think you've reached that point. This time you can get free.

SoberLeigh

As promised, Phils.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...t=Recommending (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

Phil71els

Thanks all for the quick replies.
I appreciate the advice, all of it. Hard and soft. God know I need a good kick in the nuts for this stupidity.
I will get through tonight best I can.
Leigh. Thank you. so much.
Dropsie. I want to. Nothing more in life i want right now. I will push through the sickness.
FreedonmFries I feel a proper connection to you as we are both irish, been following your progress. We can do it.
Nez, as you point out. I am saying it myself.
Bimini. I thank you, I did go to AA before covid. seems it was more needed than i thought. I will be checking out some meetings.
Hevyn. I know I cant moderate now. This absolute failure of an experiment has proven it. I know I can push through

I will not give up. I will never give upo. For my kids sake i will never stop fighting.

Hevyn

Phil - For years I relied on willpower to have 'one or two'. Wish I hadn't been such a slow learner. No matter how determined we are, once that first drink hits there's no telling where we'll end up.

Phil71els

My whole being wishes I had realised this before I started drinking again. I know it now. I've been to so many AA meeting where the 'old timers' would say "dont take the first drink". I get it now. I really do. So much it hurts. One drink is a waste of time. and I just want them all. every one. If I could channel this into business Id be a millionaire cos that how much I want it.

Anna

Phil, I'm glad you're back and ready to do this again. You can do it. Yes, I do recommend getting rid of the alcohol in the house. Start now because Sunday will be no different. And, for me, each relapse made me feel worse than the last. It sounds like you have some of those feelings too.

We're here for you.

Nonsensical

A little over a year ago I went on a multi-day bender. Did you hate me for doing it?

Give yourself the same respect you'd give any other alcoholic in these forums.

We are ALL worth it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Gabe1980

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much.....I know how it feels to have got a few days then to drink for no reason. You can stop, you have stopped before and it sounds like you are ready to keep moving forward. Thinking of you and sending loads of positive vibes your way xx

nez

This big time!!!

It is alright to hate your behavior, but don't hate yourself. When your kids mess up, do you hate them? No, because you love them you try to point out where they went wrong and to show them what to do better in the future. Do the same for yourself. We are good people, it is just the pain brought on by our alcoholism that causes us to mess up. Lovingly parent yourself, don't bully yourself.

Phil71els

I bring my little dog (pic impending in the weekenders thread hopefully) for his walk this evening (7:30ish pm now) and essentially thats it. you know how it goes, sleep once im back. maybe ramble on later sorry if i do. i generally dont on social media etc. Today is a write off now.

nez. idont hate myself. i just hate the ******* booze. And i get it. i rteally do. and i did before. i just need a couple of straight weeks. gonna have to actually put up with some pain. which is the issue i think and i need to call myself out. put up with it. it gets better. I have posted the same on this forum in the past for others. i need my own medicine. not the red wine sort though.

Dee74

Hey Phil

the bad thing is we drink again, for whatever spurious, ephemeral reason.
the good thing is we hit a point where we know that we can’t keep doing this.

I hit that point. I knew that whatever else I did I couldn’t drink any more and that whatever else happened now I was sober it wouldn’t be as bad as the places my drinking took me to.

It wasn’t easy. Some days were incredibly challenging, but I stayed sober and things changed.

I took that other road, the road I hadn’t taken before and it took me somewhere better.

Have faith you can get to that somewhere better too Phil.

Use the support here. Think about finding other means of recovery support too.

And don’t buy into the ‘I’ve ruined today so I might as well keep drinking’ nonsense.

There’s no better time to start your new life than right now, this second

D

Phil71els

Dee. I sit here and i want to hug you and everyone else.
I'm quite sure you wouldnt want to hug me nor me most you but I want to. Covid can go bugger itself.
A lesson in itself and separate topic I would suggest.
Today is gone. its after 10pm so bed is calling. i shall strive to do better. it isnt worth it. I wish i had not drank a drop.
God my kids tomorrow. Another hungover day for dad. Not gonna lie I sit here weeping at my fail.
Sorry all. Today is gone. Goodnight