sec7470

This is my 3rd thread post. I'm a total newb and found this site early this morning, on the start of my 8th day of no drinking. Today was a challenge. I didn't find myself hard jonesing, but I came *this* close to pouring a shot of vodka, or slugging the last of the less-than-half bottle of rose in the cupboard. If I lived alone, there would be no booze in the house whatsoever. But as it is, my husband is not on this journey with me, so he is drinking and doing what he does. I'm on my own path.

In order to avoid the urges, i retreated upstairs to my room, opened my laptop (which is a BRAND new purchase for me - it literally arrived yesterday - and there's a story behind why it's such a big deal for me to have bought it for myself in the first place (thanks to my dad for the generous 50th cash bday gift in July)) and started to write. I have a running document that I'm titling "October 2020." It's basically a journal. When I'm feeling the urge to drink, I head upstairs, plop on my bed, open the laptop and start writing. All my thoughts. Even if it's just the words "I can do this i can do this i can do this" over and over and over.... I had to do this 3 times since 3pm this afternoon. Each time I did it, i kept myself from caving. I'm glad to be here, and have this forum. Not sure if i'm doing it right. Maybe i'm too wordy. Maybe i need to delete this post and save this kind of writing for my journal. At any rate, i'm perusing the threads and finding a lot of comfort being among people who are going through the same thing as me.
My mantra: Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm working on changing because I've stayed the same my whole life. Frankly, I'm bored with myself. Drinking for 35 years has kept me from thriving and finding hobbies other than drinking. I just turned 50 this summer and I still don't know what I like to do, other than cook. But - even that's limited to meal prep, and the occasional slam dunk all-day recipe type of thing. I used to cross stitch, but lost the feel for it. I play piano, but i've lost the feel for that too. Plus, i usually only get motivated to play after I've had a few. I was going to a ladies' night archery class a year or so ago, on Wednesdays after work, and while I enjoyed that, I stopped going when winter hit because the roads getting there in the dark are pretty difficult, as I'm not really into night driving. I like to read, but don't make time for it until i'm in bed, and by then, i only get thru a few pages before I fall asleep. I'm hoping that not drinking will help me to find myself. Maybe I'll even get motivated to take some online classes. Never did go to any kind of college, and barely graduated high school. Mentally, i still feel like I'm just out of high school, and i guess that's because my life has not changed AT ALL since then, other than the fact that I got married and had a child.

Ready for the week, and hoping i can get through it with ease. Thirsty Thursday is always a trigger... just can't wait for the weekend.

But can I just say this: It has been amazing getting up and going to work without the slightest twinge (tinge?) of a hangover. Holy ****. ******* AMAZING!!!!!

Night all.

Steph

Dee74

Welcome Steph,

You posted in our Daily Support forum which is for continuing threads, so I moved your thread to the Newcomers forum for more response.

I found the support here really helped made a hard thing possible. Post as much as you need to

D

sec7470

Thanks for doing that! I wondered if I was posting in the right place or not... still navigating. Not too familiar w/ forums, so i welcome all guidance in that matter!

Finalcall

Welcome sec

sec7470

Thanks for the welcome, FinalCall! SO glad to be here.

Phil71els

Welcome Steph. As everyone here will say, post when you feel urges to drink. Congrats on your sober week!!

DriGuy

This makes it harder, but many people have done it, even though one of the biggest recovering alcoholics rules, "Stay away from places where people are drinking," cannot be done. But people have done it.

There's plenty here that I can respond to. I hope that I'm not missing the most important part of your thread. But like you, I use a lot of words when I'm processing my own feelings, so I understand.

I hear you. Part of my search for sobriety involved seeing three different counselors (not all at once, but over a couple of years). Almost the first question each one asked was, "Why do you drink?" This is a pretty dumb question, even though it was one I had asked myself several times. My reply was that I was bored. That's partly true, but it was also a cop out, because it didn't require anything deeper. It was an innocuous response that kept me from facing a darker more insidious problem, which was that I couldn't think of a reason why I drank. But the answer finally came to me on my own after I got sober: I had no reason to drink. Other than getting stupid smashed every day, my life was on track, well kind of... sort of... somewhat. I was bored with doing the same thing every day, which was getting drunk. Over and over, every day. Of course I was bored. I was addicted, a realization that sickened me. That was my problem. I was not in control.

I have enjoyed archery, but 15 years ago, I sold all my hunting gear when I had my fill of hunting. Plus I sold everything else so I could live on a boat for awhile. But just shooting a bow is fun in itself. I had a target behind my house, and I would practice morning and evening. I practiced because it was fun. I would pin a paper plate to my backstop and listen to that soothing <pop> every time I hit the plate. How can something that simple be so enjoyable? I don't know. It just is.

Don't give up. You just about have the worst part behind you. That constant badgering, needing a drink, that requires an equally obsessive response, "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this," should start to leave at about a week. It did for me, but it's different for everyone. It will eventually become little more than a silly distraction that enters your mind, which you will disregard.

But you are just getting started. There's more to learn about getting sober, and challenges ahead that are not like the obsessions at all. Be ready to simply choose not to drink, no matter how good you feel, and how much you now feel in control. This is a problem for many. As an alcoholic, you will only be in control when you don't drink. Otherwise, it's back to that sickening repetitive grind of being controlled by a mindless chemical substance. And you get to experience all those self deprecating things you hated about yourself again.

It's good to have you here.

Resurgence

Welcome, Steph!

Looking forward to reading the contents of 'October 2020.'

biminiblue

Welcome, sec7470. I find journaling to be very illuminating and such a useful exercise!

We love long introspective posts and threads so keep talking if it helps you.

I struggled emotionally for a while - longer than a week. It is SO much better at a few months out. Keep it going.

Dee74

How's it going Steph?

D

least

Welcome to the family Steph. You've got your first week done, now keep going cause it gets better. Early sobriety can be a bumpy ride sometimes, but it will smooth out as the days go on.

Hevyn

Steph - It's so great to have you join us. Congratulations on your sober time - we know how hard it is to get started.
I loved the encouragement I got by joining SR. I had felt all alone prior to finding it. Everyone in my life either didn't drink or was a social drinker - no one could relate to what I was going through. Keep reading & posting - you're never alone.