OKRunner

I recently, gently and lovingly, confronted my significant other about his drinking (which I later learned was leading to black outs as many as four-to-five times a week) and how sad it makes me feel when he doesn't show up to anything we had planned because of his drinking. As background, I have never dated anyone with a drinking problem before so I read dozens and dozens of articles about how to do this after I realized the extent of his drinking and educated myself as much as possible about what was going on. Per the resources I studied, I carefully used "I" sentences (e.g., "I really care and it makes me sad when ..") I didn't blame, I didn't accuse, I didn't get mad. I just gently said I was hurting because I missed doing things together and I was concerned because I loved him and that if he wanted help, I'm here to help. The articles I read said not to expect anything and, in fact, to expect denial or resistance (but of course I naively hoped otherwise because this couldn't really be happening to me). He responded by saying that "judging him with labels when I don't have any facts is not a friend-like thing to do" and that I'm "not any type of friend." (We were so much more friends.). He hasn't spoken to me since. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I know it's the end but ... what did I do wrong? I'm just struggling so hard to understand this.

least

You didn't do anything wrong, he just chose drinking over you. It may well be the end of the relationship, but really, how enjoyable is the relationship if his drinking ruins it.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I know it hurts, but I think that you'll come to see it was a blessing in disguise that you didn't spend any more of your life with a selfish man who would choose drinking over his relationship with you.



Check out our 'friends and family' forum. Lots of experience there from people who have been in your shoes.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

lewdog

I don't think you did anything wrong. I feel like alcoholics, or people that have an issue with alcohol HATE being confronted about it before they truly admit to themselves that they have a problem and want to do something about it. I couldn't stand it when girlfriends even talked to me about it. Usually I would come back though. I would be pissed for a week or two. Go on a bender just because I had to show myself that I could do what I wanted (which is ridiculous logic) and then I'd come crawling back. It is not easy being with an alcoholic. Hope everything works out

Mizz

You called out his **** and he didn't like it. That is what you did. Its not wrong. Alcoholism is a mother effer and I truly wouldn't wish this struggle on anyone. We have all been in the phase of "You are not my friend and how dare you label me and make me look at myself. I'm going to go pout in the corner with my alcohol now!"

I am sorry for your hurt. It is painful to watch someone drink themselves crazy. Alcoholism is very destructive. Al- Anon has been instrumental for people who have family/ friends/ spouses dealing with alcoholism and addiction. Boundaries are learned. Tools are given.

When he is ready to make a change and see the truth for what it is, he will. The conclusion has to be his. He has to want to get sober. Sobriety is not linear. At least that has been my experience over the 13 years of dealing with alcoholism and relapse.

fini

you did nothing wrong. NOTHING.
his reaction is not about you, nor is his drinking. his reaction is all about him and protecting the drinking.
good thing you are dating, as dating is about checking each other out, seeing if you are compatible, that kind of thing, and you are seeing he is not good partner-material.
i am sorry for your pain, but how great you get to see this now, rather than years down the road.

Dee74

Hi and welcome OK Runner

Like others have said you did nothing wrong.

Indeed it sounds like you researched a lot before you confronted your SO to a greater extent than most people do.

It sounds like your SO has chosen, for the moment, to continue drinking and to try and put you on the back foot.

Thats unfortunate - I'm sorry you've been hurt....but as others have said it's not really about you - It's about an addict trying desperately to keep their drug of choice in their life.

D

OKRunner

Least, He did choose drinking over me and he did show me who he was. For four straight months to be exact. Thank you for making me see this. I am grateful for your help and your support.

Lewdog, that made me giggle. I can totally see him sulking in the corner, etc. Thank you for putting a smile on my face. Because I'm so new to this, I feel like he's the only person in the world who does this and I'm the only person in the world on the receiving end of it. But thank you for showing me I'm not alone.

MizzP, thank you too for saying "we have all been ..." It makes me feel so much less alone. I am taking this so personally, I don't know why.

Fini, thank you for saying that because I am taking it so personally and of course think if only I had been [fill in the blank: more supportive, prettier, nicer, etc.]. Thank you for your support.

Dee74, thank you too and thank you for your welcome. I have been put on the back burner, probably permanently because I don't see him ever getting help and he fights harder than I've ever seen if one even suggests he has an addiction, so ... I am so hurt but it is time to move on.

Thank you, all.

biminiblue

Good conclusion. It will hurt for a bit and then it won't.

You've dodged a bullet here. Don't be surprised if he comes back in a week or two and makes promises. That he won't keep. Be ready and don't fall for it.

If he says anything other than, "I'm in a recovery program, I'm in therapy and I'll never drink again," then I wouldn't even talk to him. He may say, "I'll cut back." Don't give in! "Cutting back," isn't a viable thing. Even if he is in a program and therapy it would take at least a year for him to start approaching emotional stability. Careful.

Surrendered19

You didn't do anything wrong OK Runner. I nearly lost everyone and everything in my life protecting my booze and it never had anything to do with any of them. It was all about me absolutely refusing to give up alcohol. I'm sorry for how this has made you feel, but thank your lucky stars you are seeing it now. If I were you I would step away from that whole mess and take stock. The people who love me eventually came back to me but only after I showed through my actions that I was trustworthy. He should do the same thing to earn back the privilege of your companionship.

D122y

My 2 cents...You did everything about as right as possible.

I don't find it alarming any more that folks don't understand fully the extent of the effects of ingesting booze, a neurotoxin.

I am over trying to explain it here, to folks that already get it.

I will offer you have another option.

If you love your addict and don't want to lose him, stay on the roller coaster.

My wife stuck with me for about 15 years, before I learned about addiction. Then I got clean forever, and she has stuck with me still. The new me is a bit different than the active addict me.

So, it doesn't have to be over. Since you are aware that you are dealing with a person capable of doing and saying anything for their DoC, you can tailor your life to not allow it to get totally destroyed by this. It can be done.

....Or...you can get away and find someone to love that isn't an addict. Obviously, this can lead to other possibilities and so on.

So, you have options.

Thanks.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

You didn't do anything wrong. His behavior/reaction is normal for an alcoholic. We're not concerned with other people. We'd like to think we are, but we're not.

We care about two things - drinking alcohol and getting more. That's it.

This won't make you feel much better, but you'll be okay. I think the idea here might be that you walk away from this having learned a few things. Life doesn't really care about what people want or how we feel. Live throws things at us on occasion and it's our challenge to figure out how to handle them with integrity and honor. I think another key take away is to always be aware of the fact that we are where we are due to previous choices that we have made.

Anna

You did nothing wrong, but he made his choice. It's not a reflection on you.

Gabe1980

I agree with all of the above.....he just didn't want to hear what you had to say.

I'm sorry, it's a really hard place to be. Sending love to you x

Hawkeye13

This is the pattern--expect it and as bim says, don't buy it. Moderation is not possible for addicts. Best to just wish him well and move on. Don't go the "friend" route either or you may get sucked back in.

biminiblue

The last real BF I had was the final straw for me. I got so tired of this whole pattern. He was trying to be a non-drinker but failing miserable and lying about it.

In response to his BS and lies I used to say, "I'm not buying it."

He would reply, "I'm not selling it."





Really, Dude, REALLY? That's your answer?

Aellyce

In addition to agreeing with everyone else that you did nothing wrong, I will add that perhaps deep down, when he is alone with himself, he may recognize the truth and might actually be grateful for some of the feedback. That depends on the level and type of self-awareness one has (whether they admit it outwardly or not), but I know that I personally have been extremely grateful for any direct, honest feedback I get from people on my behavior and how I handle things. Maybe act defensively for a little while, but then think about it as openly as I can. No one enjoys confrontation, but the value in being exposed to truth can outweigh the momentary discomfort if one wants to make any improvement, even the loss of some relationships. Of course that assumes the person wants some change. That is also why I usually prefer to talk with my peer addicts in a direct manner, not sugar coating things, whether they are in recovery or not. Same about receiving feedback: purely pleasant, supportive reactions can be nice and validating but, for me, it tends to be much less useful than critical feedback and getting other perspectives (for me at least). Sometimes we also seem to deny and reject the truth in the moment, but will remember later and will be able to use the conclusions/consequences more constructively at a future time point. So please don't feel guilty for what you said - you might have done a great deal of good for him, whether he admits right now or not.

OKRunner

Aellyce2, thank you so much. I actually distinctly remember many situations in which I've received real, critical (not sugarcoated) feedback in my work life, in my relationships, and in other activities I've engaged in. Sometimes they stung or surprised me a bit at the moment, but looking back (yes, many years later) I can honestly say most of the things that were said to me in this vein were true. I didn't want to hear them at the time, but (yes, years later, I'm stubborn!) I can say that I took it in and used it to move me forward at work, etc. I'm not saying I expect that from him but thank you for your post, I really appreciate it.

BeABetterMan

LoL, kudos to your partner. He's masterful and to be commended. He found a way to make YOU feel guilty for standing up for yourself. For communicating honestly, and without condemnation. Oh how I love alcoholics and the havoc we create. And here you sit, worried that you'll lose him, an alcoholic...the most selfish form of human being known to man.

Runner, the problem is NOT you. It is him. Listen to the great input here.

MLD51

^^^^ What Be A Better Man said is SPOT ON. One of the things alcoholics are great at is manipulation and blame shifting. Ask me how I know. It's all part of the elaborate games we play in order to keep doing what we want to do, which is drink with no consequences. If it's someone else's fault, we can go on ruining our lives without feeling responsible. Thing is, eventually it comes crashing down, and we are forced to admit our part. That is, if we want to start living an authentic sober life.

It's a bitter pill to swallow, I know. He is in denial and isn't hearing what you are actually saying to him. He's making up his own dialogue, and assigning the blame to you. Someday, he might figure that out. Maybe he won't. In the meantime, you can wish him well from afar. Don't get sucked back in. He is not ready to take responsibility for his own actions, and you will continue to be hurt.

OKRunner

MLD51 and BeABetterMan, thank you. Thank you so much for your wisdom and support and help. Thank you.