Bulimic for 42 years!
Laura12
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 11
Bulimic for 42 years!
Hi,
I am a newcomer to this forum. I have been bulimic for 42 years. Yes I said 42 years! I am a 60 year woman. I am a wife, a mother and a grandmother. Recently in the last few years, I can also add alcoholic to the list of who I am.
I am knowledgeable enough to know that what I am doing is seriously detrimental to my physical, mental and emotional health. Bulimics are rather secretative and so are alcoholics. Bulimics can be perfectionists and I am at that. I grew up in a severely dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father and a mother with her own issues. I did experience sexual abuse in my home growing up. I ended up married to an alcoholic who was later pronounced by a psychiatrist to be bipolar as well. I wasn't aware that drug abuse was also a part of his life until towards the end of our marriage when he finally told me. We had 3 sons. My then husband physically assaulted me on numerous occasions. After most 20 years, I left with my children to move to a shelter for abused women. Throughout my 20 years with this man, I used bulimia as a crutch. It was how I coped. Years later I remarried, but to a good man. I have continued my "relationship " with bulimia throughout my pregnancies and breastfeeding years, which causes me great guilt and shame. In between bouts, I have always eaten healthy and exercised, maintaining probably to some an enviable weight. If I wasn't bulimic, undoubtedly I would be seriously obese and because I am not, no one suspects that I have an eating disorder.
Recently in the last few years, I have begun drinking obsessively. Initially I drank a glass of wine or two to help me relax occasionally and then I added another glass or two more often because I convinced myself that I deserved it. Now I can easily drink a 750 ml bottle or more a day. I think about when I can drink, when I can go buy more etc etc. When I drink too much, my inhibitions around food go out the window. My bulimia has increased with my drinking.
I consider myself to be a loving wife, mother and grandmother. I am kind and considerate to others. My home and appearance is both neat and tidy...but I am a mess inside. I hate what I'm doing and feel unable to stop. I am depressed beyond words. I have no one to talk to about this. My husband now would be shocked and disgusted if he knew all of this. He would also be very angry and upset that I would waste money and literally flush it down the toilet.. At 66, he is a conservative and very old school type of man. I cannot discuss this with him. I have also become very irritable and impatient with him. He is always looking to make me happy and even that bothers me. I can see the confusion in his eyes when he looks at me. I think because I am so angry with myself, I reject his overtures of kindness. I feel strongly that I don't deserve to be loved regardless what anyone says. I can forgive others, but I'm unable to forgive myself. I often just want to be left alone to my vices, I am sad to say. Just now, my husband asked if I would go for a walk with him. I told him no, I didn't feel like it.
I am hoping to learn new strategies on how to manage my life without bulimia and alcoholism because between you and me, I'm doing a lousy job of managing my life now. I welcome any suggestions. Thank you for giving me a place to speak and a place to be heard.
I am a newcomer to this forum. I have been bulimic for 42 years. Yes I said 42 years! I am a 60 year woman. I am a wife, a mother and a grandmother. Recently in the last few years, I can also add alcoholic to the list of who I am.
I am knowledgeable enough to know that what I am doing is seriously detrimental to my physical, mental and emotional health. Bulimics are rather secretative and so are alcoholics. Bulimics can be perfectionists and I am at that. I grew up in a severely dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father and a mother with her own issues. I did experience sexual abuse in my home growing up. I ended up married to an alcoholic who was later pronounced by a psychiatrist to be bipolar as well. I wasn't aware that drug abuse was also a part of his life until towards the end of our marriage when he finally told me. We had 3 sons. My then husband physically assaulted me on numerous occasions. After most 20 years, I left with my children to move to a shelter for abused women. Throughout my 20 years with this man, I used bulimia as a crutch. It was how I coped. Years later I remarried, but to a good man. I have continued my "relationship " with bulimia throughout my pregnancies and breastfeeding years, which causes me great guilt and shame. In between bouts, I have always eaten healthy and exercised, maintaining probably to some an enviable weight. If I wasn't bulimic, undoubtedly I would be seriously obese and because I am not, no one suspects that I have an eating disorder.
Recently in the last few years, I have begun drinking obsessively. Initially I drank a glass of wine or two to help me relax occasionally and then I added another glass or two more often because I convinced myself that I deserved it. Now I can easily drink a 750 ml bottle or more a day. I think about when I can drink, when I can go buy more etc etc. When I drink too much, my inhibitions around food go out the window. My bulimia has increased with my drinking.
I consider myself to be a loving wife, mother and grandmother. I am kind and considerate to others. My home and appearance is both neat and tidy...but I am a mess inside. I hate what I'm doing and feel unable to stop. I am depressed beyond words. I have no one to talk to about this. My husband now would be shocked and disgusted if he knew all of this. He would also be very angry and upset that I would waste money and literally flush it down the toilet.. At 66, he is a conservative and very old school type of man. I cannot discuss this with him. I have also become very irritable and impatient with him. He is always looking to make me happy and even that bothers me. I can see the confusion in his eyes when he looks at me. I think because I am so angry with myself, I reject his overtures of kindness. I feel strongly that I don't deserve to be loved regardless what anyone says. I can forgive others, but I'm unable to forgive myself. I often just want to be left alone to my vices, I am sad to say. Just now, my husband asked if I would go for a walk with him. I told him no, I didn't feel like it.
I am hoping to learn new strategies on how to manage my life without bulimia and alcoholism because between you and me, I'm doing a lousy job of managing my life now. I welcome any suggestions. Thank you for giving me a place to speak and a place to be heard.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Welcome, Laura,
I think addiction robs us of everything and everyone we love, and it destroys our self-esteem in an effort to keep us hooked. I'm sorry you are struggling and you've found a great place for understanding and information. I hope you decide to stop drinking and maybe that could be the beginning of your journey to forgive yourself and to begin to love yourself. Get rid of the alcohol you have in the house and don't buy anymore. Many of us can't really talk to our spouses about what's going on, but know for sure that we do understand, and you can get through this. Have you considered talking to your doctor?
I can't offer advice about bulimia but I have read a great book which might be helpful:
'Appetites: Why Women Want' by Caroline Knapp.
I think addiction robs us of everything and everyone we love, and it destroys our self-esteem in an effort to keep us hooked. I'm sorry you are struggling and you've found a great place for understanding and information. I hope you decide to stop drinking and maybe that could be the beginning of your journey to forgive yourself and to begin to love yourself. Get rid of the alcohol you have in the house and don't buy anymore. Many of us can't really talk to our spouses about what's going on, but know for sure that we do understand, and you can get through this. Have you considered talking to your doctor?
I can't offer advice about bulimia but I have read a great book which might be helpful:
'Appetites: Why Women Want' by Caroline Knapp.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,572
Hi Laura, I can relate to a lot of what you describe. Not bulimia, but certainly the sexual abuse and childhood stuff. Alcoholic father, too. These scenarios often go to produce the 'alcoholic'. Misguided attempts at burying our pain imho.
First step would be to put the cork in the bottle and to continue coming here, to talk, to express. You are definitely not alone in your struggle.
Have you spoken with a therapist? Someone specialist in Bulimia, sexual assault? You probably have, just thought I'd ask.
Why not jam the cork in the bottle and get to talking? Therapist, and people here?
Couldn't help but wonder if your husband read your post would he not take you by the hand and understand. He's in a lot of confusion, too.
Stopping drinking will be the first step Laura. Let's get this show on the road.
First step would be to put the cork in the bottle and to continue coming here, to talk, to express. You are definitely not alone in your struggle.
Have you spoken with a therapist? Someone specialist in Bulimia, sexual assault? You probably have, just thought I'd ask.
Why not jam the cork in the bottle and get to talking? Therapist, and people here?
Couldn't help but wonder if your husband read your post would he not take you by the hand and understand. He's in a lot of confusion, too.
Stopping drinking will be the first step Laura. Let's get this show on the road.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Welcome! I am very sorry for what you are going through at this time. With support and the right kind of professional help, I know you can live a much more productive happy life. Have you sought to speak with a specialist dealing in Bulimia? There just might be support groups virtually that could lead you to women/ men who also suffer from this disorder and they could lead you to a plethora of resources.
Tomorrow could be a new day for you in regards to not drinking. Its one day at a time.
Please know no matter what SR is here for support!
Tomorrow could be a new day for you in regards to not drinking. Its one day at a time.
Please know no matter what SR is here for support!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family Laura. 
I totally understand the feelings of no self worth and not deserving to be loved. 
Drinking just makes that worse. I hope, with our support, you'll be able to stop drinking and find a therapist to talk to about these things. 
You ARE worth being loved.
I totally understand the feelings of no self worth and not deserving to be loved. 
Drinking just makes that worse. I hope, with our support, you'll be able to stop drinking and find a therapist to talk to about these things. You ARE worth being loved. Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: Cali
Posts: 547
Welcome Laura,
I can relate. I am a WLS patient because of my addiction to food. When my drinking was at its worst, my husband and I had a similar moment and I got a glimpse of what I would be throwing away. We worked hard at our marriage and building our life. I love him and his bull head. He quit drinking a couple years ago. I knew it was my final red flag.
I am not bulimic but have a very rigid relationship with food. I can't just eat for pleasure and definitely not as a coping mechanism. Some days I'm good, others not as much. I do my best.
It really messed with my mind when I stopped drinking and the food/carb/sugar cravings hit. I sobbed sitting on the side of my bed, shoving a candy bar in my mouth to deal with acute stress and AV when my mom came to visit in the early days. Things are better now but food will be a lifelong issue for me, I've known this for a few years. Unlike drinking alcohol, I can't stop eating. But being sober has made huge improvements in my nutrition. SR has been invaluable to me and the missing piece I needed to find to finally reach sobriety. I hope the same for you.
I can relate. I am a WLS patient because of my addiction to food. When my drinking was at its worst, my husband and I had a similar moment and I got a glimpse of what I would be throwing away. We worked hard at our marriage and building our life. I love him and his bull head. He quit drinking a couple years ago. I knew it was my final red flag.
I am not bulimic but have a very rigid relationship with food. I can't just eat for pleasure and definitely not as a coping mechanism. Some days I'm good, others not as much. I do my best.
It really messed with my mind when I stopped drinking and the food/carb/sugar cravings hit. I sobbed sitting on the side of my bed, shoving a candy bar in my mouth to deal with acute stress and AV when my mom came to visit in the early days. Things are better now but food will be a lifelong issue for me, I've known this for a few years. Unlike drinking alcohol, I can't stop eating. But being sober has made huge improvements in my nutrition. SR has been invaluable to me and the missing piece I needed to find to finally reach sobriety. I hope the same for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
Hi laura and welcome to SR. I found that alcohol clouded my judgement and really messed with my emotions. With sobriety I’m gaining more clarity every day. I’m so glad I decided to stop. I have nine months now and my life is 1000x better. All you need to do is accept the reality that alcohol is giving you nothing And make a plan for what you will do during your drinking time.
Erica375
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: MA
Posts: 493
Welcome, Laura! Somewhere in all the quit-lit I've read, I learned that alcohol use disorder and food issues often go hand-in-hand, especially for women.
Stick around here with us for support. Everything gets better once you stop drinking.
Stick around here with us for support. Everything gets better once you stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I had anorexia and bulimia in my teens and early 20s, it was very difficult to get out of it and I didn't have access to any community, treatment, or other resources at the time. Now, I would suggest the same we usually recommend to people who struggle with substance abuse - try as many possible forms of help as you can, see if you find something useful, even after 42 years.
My bulimia and alcoholism didn't overlap much, the alcohol came later and, for me, it was definitely much more difficult to resolve... but we are all different. For the latter reason though, and your experience with the persistence nature of an eating disorder, it's great that you recognize the alcohol problem now and come here to share and seek support. Likely the sooner you can nip it in the bud the higher possibility for success and less destruction. I wish you all the best and never give up!
My bulimia and alcoholism didn't overlap much, the alcohol came later and, for me, it was definitely much more difficult to resolve... but we are all different. For the latter reason though, and your experience with the persistence nature of an eating disorder, it's great that you recognize the alcohol problem now and come here to share and seek support. Likely the sooner you can nip it in the bud the higher possibility for success and less destruction. I wish you all the best and never give up!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: nj
Posts: 470
Laura, stopping the drinking can only help. I didn’t like myself when I was drinking and it must be hard to deal with bulimia at the same time. Anyway, It’s a good place to start. Also, I wouldn’t discount sharing with your husband....love is often more forgiving than you realize.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: England
Posts: 520
Oh Laura!!! I can relate to so much of what you say. I, too, am 60 and have been bulimic for nearly 35 years.
I did have a problem with alcohol, but I've now been sober for more than 7 years. I'm very proud that I was able to accomplish that but I have failed abysmally when it comes to food.
Having had an eating disorder for over three decades, I'm sure that, deep inside, I believe I will never recover. And yet, every day, I still wake with hope that today will be the day when desire for health will overcome the desire to eat. Recovery HAS to be possible. It has to be.
I'm married to a wonderful man who has no idea that I am bulimic. He does realise that I have a strange relationship with food but could never imagine the true extent of it. I feel such a fraud.
I've read numerous books about eating disorders and have undergone two separate bouts of counselling. I think I understand now how I became bulimic but not why I continue to make such ludicrous choices day after day after decade.
I can't say much to help you at this stage, Laura, but I did want you to know that you are very much not alone.
Huge huge hugs to you xxxxx
I did have a problem with alcohol, but I've now been sober for more than 7 years. I'm very proud that I was able to accomplish that but I have failed abysmally when it comes to food.
Having had an eating disorder for over three decades, I'm sure that, deep inside, I believe I will never recover. And yet, every day, I still wake with hope that today will be the day when desire for health will overcome the desire to eat. Recovery HAS to be possible. It has to be.
I'm married to a wonderful man who has no idea that I am bulimic. He does realise that I have a strange relationship with food but could never imagine the true extent of it. I feel such a fraud.
I've read numerous books about eating disorders and have undergone two separate bouts of counselling. I think I understand now how I became bulimic but not why I continue to make such ludicrous choices day after day after decade.
I can't say much to help you at this stage, Laura, but I did want you to know that you are very much not alone.
Huge huge hugs to you xxxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: England
Posts: 520
Originally Posted by matrac 
Laura, stopping the drinking can only help. I didn’t like myself when I was drinking and it must be hard to deal with bulimia at the same time. Anyway, It’s a good place to start. Also, I wouldn’t discount sharing with your husband....love is often more forgiving than you realize.
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