viabeautywithin

I'm starting to feel crazy. I had 34 days, emotionally began to feel off or that something was wrong in my marriage ( most likely projecting ) went out with girlfriends where I downed a bottle of wine in an hour and a half in addition to the white claws I slammed before leaving. Came home evidently started a fight with my new husband and then threw up. I woke up to a trash can by the bed that he had made sure to care for me.
Took one night off then slowly but surely back at it again most of the day and night Saturday where I proceeded to start another fight with my husband ( I don't remember what about) and have drank everyday since then.
My anxiety is through the roof and all that will calm it down would be a drink. The first week a month ago when I quit was hell but the anxiety was not like this. I don't want to be a drunk anymore and don't currently have any medication to ease over this period.
I was angry and restless the last week before drinking again, and the first few drinks I didn't feel bad for doing it. Not until today and this anxiety. I know all the positive things I began experiencing again in those 34 sober days and I feel like not drinking for one more minute today the anxiety will overtake me. This is insanity. I'm so ashamed.

Coldfusion

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you do what is necessary to quit. For me, it took a few days away from alcohol and in the company of other struggling addicts at a no-cost detox. I stayed five days, and have not had a drink since in seven years. If you can do it, rehab might be a good idea. Whatever it takes!

nez

Take this with you going forward and use it to build on, because it will build if you do the work. It is worth it and you are worth it!

LumenandNyx

Hi,

I think you bring up a really good point. How many of us would ever stop drinking if it didn't make us feel like sh1t? Physically, psychologically and emotionally? What would our incentive be?

Our addiction is internal. External things only irritate our addiction when we allow or even welcome them. These external things give us a reason (not like we need one) to swallow alcohol.

It is possible to turn the addiction off. The challenge for me is finding a word to describe how to do something internally. So I'll try this: Doing things and focusing on things (external stuff) is not the same thing as becoming a non-drinker. Internalize becoming a non-drinker because that's where your addiction Lives.

Once you decide to become a non-drinker - no external drama will irritate your addiction into "ON" mode.

This doesn't mean you don't have to use your head - just don't overthink things to death. The "Please Hold. I need to overthink this" position we so often take needs to go right out the window with the dishwater.

Anna

I found that each time I quit was harder than the last. That could be what you're experiencing with the anxiety being bad this time. You could try getting outside for a walk to help calm yourself and be sure that you can do this.

There is really no way around the withdrawals except to go through them, and you can do it. You won't feel great for a few days, but it will get better.

RosieBecomming

Hi I am so sorry you are going through this. The anxiety can be terrible from using alcohol...and bingeing is especially caustic for anxiety - true fuel to the fire.

Get out as soon as you can. The longer you are drinking the harder and more painful it can be to get out. Stop drinking before you have consequences from it. You can go through it and get your 34 days back again. Post here before you drink and just say I want to drink I need help.

Dee74

Sorry you drank Via but I'm glad you posted here.

Getting sober is a leap of faith - you have to believe that - no matter how bad, scared or unsettled you might feel - sober is the right road for you, and that if things aren't ok now, they will be.

Keep the faith

D

RecklessDrunk

You had not smashed the delusion that picking up that drink was going to do anything good or somehow be beneficial. That is was going to be much different this time.

Alcohol is a depressant, its purpose is to make you depressed. The real effect does not happen right away. Any ease and comfort that you feel immediately after taking a drink is not alcohol's main function. After the buzz turns to stupid, after the liver kicks out much out of the toxins the depression and anxiety builds. Additional days of drinking only build on the misery. Not to mention how it adds to the mental obsession.

Like if a doctor gave you a steriod for a medical condition. Feeling nothing from the drug an hour, a day, after taking it is not what the steriod does. You dont go back to the doctor in a few hours and tell him well, I guess it doesn't work I don't feel anything. It takes time to flow through your body and build you up. Or in the case of alcohol tear you down.

We drink for the immediate effect but the true effect takes overnight to get started and much of it lingers.

The next time the obsession presents itself remember this, think if you really need to experience this again first hand.

You know the saying of play the tape foward? Get a good mental recording now while its fresh of how miserable this garbage really is.

The good news is you don't have to repeat this again. While one day isn't necessarily going to be better then the next one you should gradually feel better over time. Remember as you get some distance from that last drink that cravings and bouts of feeling down go away much easier then recovering from a binge.

least

I was told that in order to stay sober, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Not easy, but simple - and true.

lessgravity

We've each and every one of us been there. The shame, frustration, anxiety and then the return, again and again, to the bottle. It's a brutal place to live. And failing, falling back into the drink, is part of the process to sobriety for almost all of us. We wouldn't be on this site if it was as simple as wanting to get sober - it takes hard work and picking up the bottle again, even in the face of the pain you know it will bring, happens.

So what's the plan?

viabeautywithin

I had no illusion that taking that first drink again would result in anything positive. I've wrestling on and off with quitting for a good 10 years now but there was NO illusion this time that I need to quit and the metal, physical, and relationship issues that I am actually the cause of. There is no excuse and somewhere I went over that line but it can't be undone. Hell yes I grieve knowing how much has to change. Hiding at home or declining invitations is not feasible forever. My husband supports me but I got the whole "why don't you just drink a couple and not often" when I told him I needed to quit and proceeded to do so in August-September. I cause fights everytime I drink, and this is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I want sobriety for myself, my children and my husband before I lose my mind. I must not be completely nuts since I recognize it, but I'm hanging on by a thread.

I plan to look into some of the boards on here about mental health and the connection with alcoholism and fear maybe I should see a physiatrist. I've seen a counselor on and off for over 7 years before during and after the divorce from my first husband. I fear going to get help will very much work against me in court we are still in an extremely hostile custody battle. My husband know also doesn't not understand anxiety/depression and has a negative view on the medication I take for this. While it did get better during the 34 days I was sober, I had began tapering off the anxiety medication, and now wonder if that wasn't part of the relapse.

I have been suggested some reading material and need to find those links again, local AA is not an option for the custody battle issue and my career but I am interested in the online SMART meetings. I listed to youtube constantly on sobriety, mental health, relationship, and health issues but obviously I did not give myself enough tools to push through. What resources did you find most helpful?

I believe we have came along way in de-stigmatising alcoholism and mental health but have a lot farther to go. I'm literally staying ill in fear of getting the help I need.

venuscat

Oh love. s

I can feel how much pain you are in. s

I know that for me, my mental health became precarious due to my drinking.
And I know that I don't have those same issues now that I am not drinking.

And it really is possible (covid aside) to go out and be social without drinking and enjoy ourselves, although I didn't go out with any drinkers at all in early sobriety.

As far as what I did....I was on SR every day. I also bought some recovery books and started listening to AA speaker tapes. I made sure that at least 2 hours a day were dedicated to recovery. And I made that my job. Now it is a commitment that I cherish.

nez

I resemble that remark. When I overcame the fear and accepted help, freedom began. 17 years later the only thing I lost was my misery.

In life guard training, the first thing they teach you is that the person you are swimming out to save is so scared that in their efforts to survive if it means climbing on top of you and drowning you in the process, so be it. Don't fight the lifeguard. Accept help. Trust the process. Learn to live free.

lessgravity

Good for you. It sounds like you have the right mindset to really start doing the hard work that you need to get sober. Use your family as leverage says me. That might sound callous but it's not - they deserve the person that you can be sober more than anyone. Although it causes/d me pain to think about the pain I caused to my son and my ex-wife and my family, at the end of the day I feel very lucky to have been able to use that pain and guilt to drive me into sobriety. It's so worth it, as I think you know.