Chung

Day one again for the umpteenth time!!! Went to party for my fiancé’s co-worker and made a complete spectacle of myself. I am so ashamed and embarrassed and my children are so sick and tired of me drinking off and on for years on end.

I have tried all kinds of programs and I just keep going back to drinking. I have had enough and I am almost 50 years old! I don’t even want to get out of bed today because I am so sick of myself!

Sober45

Welcome back, Chung. I'm 46 and I'm a mom also. I tried so many times to stop and failed but in two days I will be celebrating 9 months sober. Near the end of my drinking, my daughter wouldn't leave me alone. So what did I do? I gave her alcohol (at age 17). It shut her up really good until I realized she's in my gene pool and drinks like me. So we both stopped. I had had enough.

Sounds like your at a similar stage...just done with it. Time to take a stand and stick with it.

The key for me was/is staying connected with the way I felt on day 1 and that is why I come here most days.

Onward and upward, my friend!

D122y

You sound like you are ready to quit and that was step 1 for me.

My addiction would trick me by me thinking, I quit for 3 days, I can drink. I quit for 1 month, I can drink again. This causes brain damage just like drinking every day. The chemicals of the entire body become dependent on an alcohol bath to feel normal. Normal no longer feels normal.

When I tried to quit for this last time, it was horrible. I had raging anxiety, agoraphobia, balance problems etc etc. Every day I suffered. But, I had moments of peace too. Quiet moments. Sleep was difficult as well.

I napped a lot. I ate anything I wanted to make up for not drinking. I worked out as hard as I could. These all helped.

At 90 days clean, I was still suffering so bad and had no idea why. Then I found SR and learned the suffering lasts for up to 5 years or so. That is why so many people never make it out.

I am still suffering, off and on. I feel pretty amazing most of the time now, compared to the opposite the first years.

I quit at 50, so did my coworker. He is about 16 years clean now and he told me last night that he jumps out of bed with so much energy. I still get out of be slow. I get tons of natural melatonin when I sleep now and it takes a while to wear off. I can't wait until I sleep soundly and am able to jump out of bed with tons of energy. I can't wait.

So, we have that to look forward to. I hate hate hate booze. I don't believe the hype. Booze is poison.

Thanks for the therapy.

Anna

Chung, try to stop beating yourself up, and instead focus on what you can do to change this pattern.

I couldn't be around alcohol at all for about 10 months after I began recovery, so I avoided invitations to places where alcohol was involved. Can you come up with some concrete ideas for how to not relapse agains?

LumenandNyx

Hi,

You're not in a very fun place - I've been there. The upside - days pass and life continues to move forward.
Nothing worked to help me get sober. Not inpatient, outpatient, therapists, jail, priests, friends, family, my sons, my living situation, my anything or anyone.

I finally said "That's it. That's enough." I know what it's like to get good and drunk, and I know what it's like to suffer withdrawals and detox and all the negative emotions that accompany them. Now it's time for me to know what it's like to live life without all that crap.

brighterday1234

Sounds like you’re at the jumping off point; can’t see a life with alcohol. Can’t see a life without alcohol.

That’s essential to commence recovery in my experience.

Bobbieka

You're not alone. I got sober at 50. I hit the 4 year mark this year. I didn't think I ever could, I thought alcohol was always going to be a part of my life. I started coming here, posting, being accountable, I spoke with a therapist and I made a plan. I had a binder where I wrote everything. I started journaling. I did everything I could to get sober, because that's what it took.

You can do this. Sit down. Make a plan. Here with you.

Dee74

Welcome back Chung

staying sober isn;t easy but it is pretty simple - change your life and make decisions based on your desire to be sober.

You'll find a lot of support here!

D

Hevyn

I'm so sorry, Chung. I did it many times until I was thoroughly disgusted with myself. I finally gave up the idea that I could control myself once that first drink was in my system. I couldn't touch a single drop of it - or there'd be no telling what sort of danger or embarrassment I'd get into. I was older than you when I got sober for the final time. It's been over 13 yrs. since I found SR and no longer felt alone.
You can reclaim your life and never have this horrible feeling again. We know you can do it.

least

I hope you'll fully utilize the support here to help you get sober for good. Read and post often. And if you get the urge to drink, come here first and tell on yourself. We'll try to talk you out of it.