Relapsing Every 2-3 Days after 2 Years of Being on Track
 

Some of you may be familiar with my story. I am an opiate addict and I've also had problems with alcohol at times. I've been having trouble stringing together more than a couple days of sobriety at a time. Usually around 2-3 days is when I relapse. This whole relapse started with pills and I ended up starting to drink instead after not having an issue with alcohol for about 3 years. The good news I suppose is that I have had some control over my drinking, have not been drinking everyday, but even so, 1 drink is too many for me.

I've been feeling more anxious / depressed lately. I know a lot of people are with the Pandemic and Quarantine and stuff. I think this makes it harder to stay clean because when I'm fighting these urges to use or drink I feel down and that sometimes I guess contributes to me wanting to use?

My counselor has advised me that I need to be seeking support beyond just talking to her. So I am here.

Treeguy, at around 2 - 3 days of sobriety, you are probably starting to feel better, which could be making you less vigilant. It might be a good idea to make a plan, specifically for Day 2/3, where you come up with things to do that will help and distract you from the opiates and alcohol. You're right that covid is aking many things more difficult, but hopefully you can come up with some ideas. Can you exercise or get outside and walk? That can often help. I'm glad that you have the support of a counsellor.

Exercise is already a huge part of my routine. Has been for many years. My exercise routine had to change due to Covid though. Prior I was going to the gym. Seeing other people, etc. Now I have to workout at home. Which is fine, I have the equipment and stuff, but it's not the same. The routine of going to the gym, the drive there and drive back, etc. early in the morning was a huge part of what was keeping me on track. I wish I had never made the decision to start drinking again. Terrible decision.

I hope you can find the support you need to stop drinking, either here at SR or in real life. :hug:

I must be a worthless loser to relapse on alcohol after 3 years of hardly any drinking. I am a horrible person for the way I handled the Pandemic. Maybe my addiction will eventually kill me and I’m not meant to overcome it.

Stop that nonsense right now! (She says in her sternest Mama Bear voice.) You are not a worthless loser. Don't give up on yourself! Tell yourself YOU ARE WORTHY.

Keep working at it. I am rooting for you.

I don't think you're worthless at all.

I think a lot of people - good, otherwise smart people - make the mistake of taking up a drink or a drug again and thinking this time will be different.

Often the only difference is things get worse that they did in the past.

Addiction rarely remains static - it almost always progresses if we keep feeding it, regardless of how much sober time we had inbetween.

I should know this - but, forgive me, I read a lot of peoples stories - are you against meeting based approaches like AA NA or SMART or Lifering etc?

Those kinds of things can provide you with another layer of support?

D

I can’t do any of that right now because of stupid Coronavirus unless I do online.

And I didn’t drink thinking it would be different. I drank because I wanted to feel good. I’ve purposely kept “stuff” around for an “in case I need it moment” and have basically been teetering on a relapse since my last opiate bender at the end of last year.

But then again, I bounced back fairly quickly from that. But still kept stuff around with the intention of a future relapse.

Maybe the issue is I’m not committing to recovery?

A lot of meetings are online yeah - that actually makes it a little easier according to folks here who do them -but some areas are opening up to face to face meetings again too - depends where you are.

I don;t know about fully committed to recovery you must have quit drinking for a reason.

Drinking again to feel good suggests to me you either forgot those reasons or thought/hoped they didn't apply anymore? or maybe you jut reached the end of your tether.

I did that too - the real turning point for me was finally accepting, for better or worse, I had a horrible relationship with alcohol and always would. (the same went for my other drug of choice too)

The first drink was always my mistake, not the last.

If you don't know any other way to feel good, or any other ways of dealing with feeling bad, I think that should be a priority.

If exercise works for you but you can't get to the gym why not improvise with things you do have access to around the house?
My dad lifts sacks as weights, he skips, he runs around the block....my mum bought a treadmill and a stationary bike.

There's ways to get around things.

D

I quite drinking because I started using opiates instead, so I had no reason to drink anymore.

I’m in an outpatient opiate addiction recovery maintenance program, so it’s not too much of a struggle for me to just not use opiates and take my medication instead. Somehow, instead of relapsing on pills I decided to start using alcohol instead and it took off.

I’m even tempted to go on an opiate bender just to get off the alcohol. I know how bad that sounds!!!

Yeah, I started drinking more heavily cos I couldn't get weed, and ended up a genuine alcoholic.
For a long time I thought I was cured of my weed addiction, but nope - it was there in the background waiting for an opportunity.

Real recovery for me started when I stopped looking for the easy 'take this and feel good' solution.

Going on an opiate bender would still be the same merry go round - just a different coloured horse.

You can do this treeguy :)

D

okay

Have a good rest of your day treeguy - and keep posting :)

D

​​​​​​No don't do it. Opiate bender. Check it out we both have a addiction to opiates. Remember the feeling of opiate withdrawal , stomach curling ,sweating cold and hot body twitching no sleep that just a few. It is all up to you it's your sobriety. If you have time check out my thread 2 week program. There was alot of good support from members here. Take care

I’ve been keeping track of how much I’ve been drinking for the last 11 weeks, and for 8 weeks I’ve had more days sober then I’ve bad where I drank. Only 3 weeks I had where I drank more days than I had sober.

I guess maybe I can find some positive in this? I’m looking for anything to maybe feel less guilty about this so I can move forward.

I understand feeling guilty but there’s really not much point in that because we can’t change what’s happened, we can only change our present and try to guide what happens in our future.

You’re fighting it and you’re posting here - those are both great things Treeguy :)

D

I know feeling guilty won’t change anything. That’s why I’m trying look at any postives I can about the situation to help me work through the guilt and accept it for what it is so I can move forward.

I still have some guilt over my daughter but what I'm finding is that its becoming less and less as I build up sober time.

If you can see an increase in sober days in the past 11 weeks, I think that's a positive sign. Consider it "sober practice" and keep building on it. It's certainly better than say F it and drinking all the time.

Treeguy, I understand how the guilt can be overwhelming at first. But, I really think you feel better as you begin recovery. It was my experience that controlling my drinking somewhat made me feel better, but each time, I was setting myself up to fail. I couldn't keep up the moderating for very long. When you stop completely, things will get easier and you will feel better.

You are putting the cart before the horse. You have to move forward to get past the guilt.