Sober45

This is the worst day since I quit almost 9 months ago. Tomorrow I have to go to a family gathering to honor my husband’s parents, both of whom died in the last few months.

The problem is they don’t like me and I don’t like being in crowds. I’m on the autism spectrum so I’m not all huggy and kissy like them. Human touch is just so damn hard for me. it’s hard to explain unless you are on the spectrum. They don’t get me at all but they also don’t know I have high functioning autism…only my husband and daughter know that. My daughter struggles like me so her anxiety is through the roof too. I’m at work here now fighting back the tears. Emotional regulation is another area I struggle with big time.

I have never done anything like this without alcohol. It’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done I think. I’m sure there’ll be drinks floating around too…oh my. When I quit, I decided I wouldn’t push myself like this in the first year…but here I am with no choice in the matter. Oh my.

Any advice at all would be appreciated. And thank you for listening

Gabe1980

I wish I had some really good advice for you. All I can think of is to have a way out if you need it. Say you are ill or something like that. You have got 9 months and it's been hard won.

I am sorry to hear they are so intolerant of the differences between you. Is you husband supportive in these situations? Maybe you could work out a plan with him? Staying calm and breathing is really important, so some meditation and relaxation before hand too.

Sending love and support to you x

pattyspaw

I wish I had some wisdom that would help. Sober45 your posts and replies have been very helpful to me in my still early struggles. An escape plan sounds like a good idea as Gabe suggested. Will there be anyone there that won't be drinking that you can hang out with?

Be123

Hi sober45. It's easy for me to say, but I think you need to put yourself first...and yes, for me that includes opting not to go if going puts your sobriety at risk.

Thats cheap advice and I know it's not that simple. But I'm on your side and understand what is at risk here. 9 months gives you all the time and motivation and strength you need but it also gives you the wisdom to run like hell if you're in danger.

If you HAVE to go maybe give yourself a way out? Say you're not feeling great (true in a way) and so if it gets too much just disappear for a bit??

Maybe you'll enjoy it! I don't know, I'm grasping for support here!!

Sober45

Thanks guys I'm going to have to get through this sober. Part of me wants to throw water in my gas tank to kill the car so we can't go. I have all kinds of excuses going through my head but I really need to be there for my husband. I might just vent on this thread til it's over idk. I'm sure there'll be non-drinkers there but I SUCK at small talk. However, this just came to me as i'm writing this...i'm good at asking questions so I'll try to focus on asking people how they're doing. Social engagement has always been a nightmare for me.

Gabe1980

I get where you are coming from....I have horrific social anxiety and having to 'chat' is a nightmare.....questions work though and if you find a really chatty person, the just keep firing questions at them and let them do the work! We'll all be here for you too xx

LumenandNyx

Am I missing something? Why don't you have a choice? I see a choice. It may not be a pretty choice, but it still exists.

Don't go.

How 'bout that?

Will the world crack in half if you stay home? Will the Universe get swallowed up into a black hole? Will everybody you know and love come down with CoronaVirus?

Your emotional wellbeing is AT LEAST as valuable as what you're thinking about doing. Okay?

Anna

I understand that you want/need to be there for your husband. As others have said, since you are going, prepare and plan to duck out, even for a few minutes. Get a cup of coffee and sneak out to be by yourself for ten minutes. Breathe, gather your thoughts and head back in again when you're ready.

Sober45

Good points, Lumen. Oh I want to stay home so badly. But the only way that would work is if husband says it's ok. It's not that he's making me but after 25 years together I feel obligated to be by his side. He doesn't care for spending time with them much more then I do so I can't send him to the wolves by himself.

Sober45

Yes, Anna. I'm going to park the car away from everyone else so I can go there. It'll be me and daughter ducking out together. I'm going to talk to husband and make a plan for EXACTLY how long we'll be there. Uncertainty kills me.

LumenandNyx

Wow.

I'm trying so hard to be nice and polite here. Yes, it's an effort because it's in my nature to be extremely blunt.

Time has nothing to do with anything. The amount of time you've been married does not have more value than your sobriety and mental health. I wish you would look at how you seem to be devaluing your SELF here. The obligation you feel is a position you put your SELF into - one you can take your SELF right back out of. Being in that position is a choice. (You seem to be surrounded by choices) Those "wolves" are his family - not yours. And even if they were yours - you're not obligated to go spend time with them either.

I'm just saying. A lot of folks might read what I wrote and think "Well, Good GOD woman! How RUDE." It's not rude. It's just taking a stand in support of your SELF. There's nothing wrong with that. I find it admirable and powerful.

"Babe - I sure do love and support ya, but I've decided to stay home this time. My sanity and sobriety are at risk if a I go." Or something to that effect.

???

biminiblue

Yeah. I tend to agree with the, "Don't go," advice if you're this worked up about it.

I haven't gone to my own family events if my spidey senses say it's a bad idea.

Sober45

I hear you, Lumen. I appreciate your bluntness. I would be the first one to tell someone it doesn't matter what others think.

I think if I can get through this sober, I'll be in a really good place on Sunday when this is all over.

I will NOT drink under any circumstances whatsoever. I will come here first.

nez

Hi Sober45, just want to say right off the bat...you can do this. How great that you want to go to support your husband, that is recovery in action...thinking about someone other than ourselves!

They may feel that you don't like them. They may need a crowd in order to feel comfortable. Imagine how horrible it must be to not be comfortable in your own skin and to need the presence of other people in order to validate your existence. They may think that you don't get them at all.

The way I get through uncomfortable scenarios is by getting out of my head. When you get right down to it, all humans are basically the same. We are people doing the best we can, with what we have learned thus far in life. I want people to take me for the way I am, faults and all. It only seems fair that I should return the favor. That person that makes me uncomfortable, is probably uncomfortable as well.

Recovery takes place when I journey out of my comfort zone. You can do this! I have faith in you. You haven't come this far, to only come this far.

Bobbieka

My first year I skipped a lot of things I should have gone to. Once, I drove 45 minutes to a wedding and didn't get out of my car. I get this. I also had to attend a few things that caused me anxiety. Something I did, I would go to the restroom and read this site and post. It helped a lot, knowing there were people out there who got it and that I wasn't in it alone. I'm glad your daughter has you.

A trick I learned to help with anxiety, pick a color, and then every time you see that color throughout the day, make a mental note of it. It gives you little serotonin hits. Another trick is run your hands under warm water. Math problems in your head also help.

I hope these things can help you somewhat. You can do this. You are building sober muscles. Hugs going with you.

Obladi

Sober45, I wholeheartedly agree with Lumen. You must put your sanity and sobriety first. What good will it do your husband if you do wind up drinking, which it seems to fear you will do?

I'm very worried when I see people write statements like, "If I manage to get through this sober." So I'm worried for you.

Will your husband not understand if you say, "I just can't do this; it's too big a risk?" You can always have him tell the family something about potential COVID exposure so you stayed home out of an abundance of caution. None of that is not true, right?

I think you should talk this over with your husband. Bring it to him as a problem that you need to collaborate on. You don't need a conclusion to bring to him - I think that working it through together would be the very best way to honor your partnership. Unless it's not like that with him?

xo
O

p.s. I'm at just about 8 months sober, and I would not even consider going back to visit my own family right now unless it was the most dire of circumstances - like someone was dying and I wanted to be with them before they leave. Of course, everyone's situation is different, but for what it's worth... that's my stance from a place of having been broken by perhaps less trying circumstances than the one you are confronting.

freedomfries

I'm terrible with social occasions. The last time I had a social occasions to attend in sobriety was my nephew's christening party. When I felt overwhelmed, I went outside to vape. Maybe you can duck out every so often and sit in your car to decompress

fini

sober45, i feel for you. tough spot to be in.
my sense is that yeah, you have a choice. of course you do, though you may not like the consequences of either choice.
my suggestion is to sit calmly with yourself and figure out what the reluctance to go is about. if it is fear of drinking, at the event or after, then yeah, don't go.
if it is fear of discomfort in group and with this family and what they might feel about you and all this kind of aggro...then, if it were me, i'd go. to support husband, to show myself i can do hard things, to be there for him, myself and my daughter. i'd focus on "it's not about me" while there.
you are the one who knows about your reluctance. and i have confidence you can figure this out.
if you decide to go, make plans for breaks, bring something you like to drink and have it in your hand, agree on a departure time with hubby or have a means of leaving for home by yourself.

best to you.

Erica375

I will NOT drink under any circumstances whatsoever. I will come here first.

Here's my take on this situation, Sober45. If you can't trust yourself not to drink, consider not going. Or at least make contingency plans. Could you and your husband take separate cars, so you could leave whenever you need to?

If it's "just" a matter of social anxiety, I'd say give it a try. You can still have an emergency exit plan in place. I say this because I have social anxiety, too, and so many times I drove places muttering, "I don't want to go, I don't want to go," but I went and ended up having a decent time. Sometimes even a great time!

And I get the touchy thing. I had some not-exactly-successful surgeries which left me with PTSD for a while and I could not tolerate being touched. I couldn't even rest my own hands on my own thighs! Maybe blame Covid in order to keep people at arm's length? Heck, we ought to at least get SOMETHING positive out of this gol-durned virus!

Whatever you decide, as long as you don't drink, it will be ok. Please let us know how it goes.

Sober45

I won't drink. It's simply not on my list of options anymore. But I haven't been in a social gathering yet so i don't want to be complacent either. It's the social part. I'm also jealous of my sister in-law. Her two kids are doing great and mine is struggling. Our kids have always been compared especially by my husbands late mother. my SIL is the most outgoing person you will ever find....she travels all the time and just loves to explore the world and do fun things. I'm the complete opposite. I hate travel and Disney world makes me want to vomit. I know they're going to be asking my daughter how she's doing with school and driver's license, neither of which is finished yet.