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Originally Posted by Bobbieka 
My first year I skipped a lot of things I should have gone to. Once, I drove 45 minutes to a wedding and didn't get out of my car. I get this. I also had to attend a few things that caused me anxiety. Something I did, I would go to the restroom and read this site and post. It helped a lot, knowing there were people out there who got it and that I wasn't in it alone. I'm glad your daughter has you.
A trick I learned to help with anxiety, pick a color, and then every time you see that color throughout the day, make a mental note of it. It gives you little serotonin hits. Another trick is run your hands under warm water. Math problems in your head also help.
I hope these things can help you somewhat. You can do this. You are building sober muscles. Hugs going with you.
A trick I learned to help with anxiety, pick a color, and then every time you see that color throughout the day, make a mental note of it. It gives you little serotonin hits. Another trick is run your hands under warm water. Math problems in your head also help.
I hope these things can help you somewhat. You can do this. You are building sober muscles. Hugs going with you.
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Originally Posted by nez
Hi Sober45, just want to say right off the bat...you can do this. How great that you want to go to support your husband, that is recovery in action...thinking about someone other than ourselves!
They may feel that you don't like them. They may need a crowd in order to feel comfortable. Imagine how horrible it must be to not be comfortable in your own skin and to need the presence of other people in order to validate your existence. They may think that you don't get them at all.
The way I get through uncomfortable scenarios is by getting out of my head. When you get right down to it, all humans are basically the same. We are people doing the best we can, with what we have learned thus far in life. I want people to take me for the way I am, faults and all. It only seems fair that I should return the favor. That person that makes me uncomfortable, is probably uncomfortable as well.
Recovery takes place when I journey out of my comfort zone. You can do this! I have faith in you. You haven't come this far, to only come this far.
They may feel that you don't like them. They may need a crowd in order to feel comfortable. Imagine how horrible it must be to not be comfortable in your own skin and to need the presence of other people in order to validate your existence. They may think that you don't get them at all.
The way I get through uncomfortable scenarios is by getting out of my head. When you get right down to it, all humans are basically the same. We are people doing the best we can, with what we have learned thus far in life. I want people to take me for the way I am, faults and all. It only seems fair that I should return the favor. That person that makes me uncomfortable, is probably uncomfortable as well.
Recovery takes place when I journey out of my comfort zone. You can do this! I have faith in you. You haven't come this far, to only come this far.
Wake Your Dreams
Join Date: Sep 2020
Location: West Valley, Utah
Posts: 84
I'm the same way. I can't do small talk. People can talk for hours about absolutely nothing (my perception). It's like watching paint dry. The thought of it can actually be horrifying and overwhelming. I have nothing to contribute. I find myself all alone in a room full of people. Not going and an escape plan are both good suggestions. I have done both. The anxiety leading up to it is terrible. I feel for you.
My advice.
Remember it is not about you. That you showed up is enough. Everyone else will be more concerned how they look and are perceived. Let the out going sister be the center of the show. Ask her about her amazing life. I'm sure she will be happy to tell you all about it. Let it be about the parents. That's what the gathering is for right? You are there for your husband. Let the family do their thing. Your just an in-law. Keep in mind showing up for your husband is all you really have to do. Nothing more is required of you. My wife knows how family gatherings are for me and understands the shorter the visit the better. We never leave first but as soon as someone does she knows that is our que to leave. She knows in advance it is up to her to say "we need to get going to". A simple reason is enough. Talk to your husband and let him know you are going for him but don't want to stay too long. Sounds like he understands. You are right. You will feel much better once you head out the door and it is over. Anxiety over things like this is me making things much bigger then they are. I'm not saying I still don't have any anxiety but I'm able to downsize it enough that it is manageable and I get through it.
Think of us. We will be thinking of you. I know I will. Let us know how it goes if you decide to go. If you don't, no worries. No judgment here.
My advice.
Remember it is not about you. That you showed up is enough. Everyone else will be more concerned how they look and are perceived. Let the out going sister be the center of the show. Ask her about her amazing life. I'm sure she will be happy to tell you all about it. Let it be about the parents. That's what the gathering is for right? You are there for your husband. Let the family do their thing. Your just an in-law. Keep in mind showing up for your husband is all you really have to do. Nothing more is required of you. My wife knows how family gatherings are for me and understands the shorter the visit the better. We never leave first but as soon as someone does she knows that is our que to leave. She knows in advance it is up to her to say "we need to get going to". A simple reason is enough. Talk to your husband and let him know you are going for him but don't want to stay too long. Sounds like he understands. You are right. You will feel much better once you head out the door and it is over. Anxiety over things like this is me making things much bigger then they are. I'm not saying I still don't have any anxiety but I'm able to downsize it enough that it is manageable and I get through it.
Think of us. We will be thinking of you. I know I will. Let us know how it goes if you decide to go. If you don't, no worries. No judgment here.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Thanks so much, Larry. Anticipation anxiety has brought me down so much in my life. It's no wonder I became addicted to alcohol. Now it's time to deal with a real life challenge SOBER.
It will be interesting to see what I'm like when I'm actually there and no longer anticipating.
It will be interesting to see what I'm like when I'm actually there and no longer anticipating.
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Plan:
-park car further away...take frequent breaks.
-bring cans of cream soda and hot tea.
-Deep breaths
-Ask questions...let them do the talking.
-Accept where my daughter is. She has actually made tremendous progress since I stopped drinking...I's so proud of her...focus on that.
-Look for orange. I'm also going to count...how many people, how many windows, how many rocks in the driveway if I have to!
-park car further away...take frequent breaks.
-bring cans of cream soda and hot tea.
-Deep breaths
-Ask questions...let them do the talking.
-Accept where my daughter is. She has actually made tremendous progress since I stopped drinking...I's so proud of her...focus on that.
-Look for orange. I'm also going to count...how many people, how many windows, how many rocks in the driveway if I have to!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 256
Originally Posted by Sober45
This is the worst day since I quit almost 9 months ago. Tomorrow I have to go to a family gathering to honor my husband’s parents, both of whom died in the last few months.
The problem is they don’t like me and I don’t like being in crowds. I’m on the autism spectrum so I’m not all huggy and kissy like them. Human touch is just so damn hard for me. it’s hard to explain unless you are on the spectrum. They don’t get me at all but they also don’t know I have high functioning autism…only my husband and daughter know that. My daughter struggles like me so her anxiety is through the roof too. I’m at work here now fighting back the tears. Emotional regulation is another area I struggle with big time.
I have never done anything like this without alcohol. It’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done I think. I’m sure there’ll be drinks floating around too…oh my. When I quit, I decided I wouldn’t push myself like this in the first year…but here I am with no choice in the matter. Oh my.
Any advice at all would be appreciated. And thank you for listening
The problem is they don’t like me and I don’t like being in crowds. I’m on the autism spectrum so I’m not all huggy and kissy like them. Human touch is just so damn hard for me. it’s hard to explain unless you are on the spectrum. They don’t get me at all but they also don’t know I have high functioning autism…only my husband and daughter know that. My daughter struggles like me so her anxiety is through the roof too. I’m at work here now fighting back the tears. Emotional regulation is another area I struggle with big time.
I have never done anything like this without alcohol. It’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done I think. I’m sure there’ll be drinks floating around too…oh my. When I quit, I decided I wouldn’t push myself like this in the first year…but here I am with no choice in the matter. Oh my.
Any advice at all would be appreciated. And thank you for listening
If that's not an option, my only advice would be to try and be in the moment. Focus on getting through each hour, etc. Don't look at the whole event, but break it up into individual hours and get through each one sober. Sometimes when you have something that is so overwhelming like this it can seem impossible to deal with, but when you approach it as just getting through hour by hour, it may seem less intimidating so to speak.
Either way, I hope things work out for you. But I want to emphasize again, if people don't respect you for who you are and the great qualities you have, should you even be bothering with them? Are they only a negative influence and dragging you down? Don't be afraid to stand you ground and speak up. You don't have to put up with that nonsense. Just because they are family does NOT mean you have to continue to associate with people who don't treat you right.
This is just my opinion. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just give the best advice I can. I hope it helps.
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Originally Posted by Sober45
There's only two active cases where I live...tempting though!
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thanks Treeguy, they don't respect me because they don't really understand me. Often times people don't like what they don't understand. My daughter, for example, is vegan and practices a different religion. Some of them just get irritated by that. There's a tinge of racism there too I believe. Not a lot of tolerance for differences or at least that's how it seems to me. But really I don't want to judge them because everything I'm saying here is just from my own perspective. I'm going to go in with an open mind and see how it goes.
After all this today, drinking is even further from me now and my hands are not as sweaty. I'm so grateful for this place. I would never have reached out to anyone in person. SR is all I have.
After all this today, drinking is even further from me now and my hands are not as sweaty. I'm so grateful for this place. I would never have reached out to anyone in person. SR is all I have.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by Sober45
thanks Treeguy, they don't respect me because they don't really understand me. Often times people don't like what they don't understand. My daughter, for example, is vegan and practices a different religion. Some of them just get irritated by that. There's a tinge of racism there too I believe. Not a lot of tolerance for differences or at least that's how it seems to me. But really I don't want to judge them because everything I'm saying here is just from my own perspective. I'm going to go in with an open mind and see how it goes.
After all this today, drinking is even further from me now and my hands are not as sweaty. I'm so grateful for this place. I would never have reached out to anyone in person. SR is all I have.
After all this today, drinking is even further from me now and my hands are not as sweaty. I'm so grateful for this place. I would never have reached out to anyone in person. SR is all I have.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Your plan sounds great, S45.
As far as people not respecting you, I've learned from very hard lessons that really brought it home to me that is completely irrelevant. Not in an "I don't care what you think" kind of way, but in a very low key "I know who I am" kind of way that doesn't need to even be thought any louder than a whisper.
You're ok. You know who you are. You are not your daughter; there is no need for you to be defensive on her part, there is only a need for you to love her unconditionally which you clearly do. Anticipation of negative outcomes cause unnecessary distress, as does anticipation of any particular outcome, doesn't it? You don't know - there's no way you can know how it will be this time now that you are standing on your own two feet and have every reason to feel secure in yourself.
You've got a good plan.
Add a mask - everyone should wear a mask in any large gathering. That's just good common sense.
O
As far as people not respecting you, I've learned from very hard lessons that really brought it home to me that is completely irrelevant. Not in an "I don't care what you think" kind of way, but in a very low key "I know who I am" kind of way that doesn't need to even be thought any louder than a whisper.
You're ok. You know who you are. You are not your daughter; there is no need for you to be defensive on her part, there is only a need for you to love her unconditionally which you clearly do. Anticipation of negative outcomes cause unnecessary distress, as does anticipation of any particular outcome, doesn't it? You don't know - there's no way you can know how it will be this time now that you are standing on your own two feet and have every reason to feel secure in yourself.
You've got a good plan.
Add a mask - everyone should wear a mask in any large gathering. That's just good common sense.
O
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Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,592
I've only just clocked up 9 months myself Sober45. We are on the same timeline.
Being sober is the best thing we have ever done for ourselves, and we are not going to let anything get in the way of our sobriety. And we'll do it with decorum.
The gathering will end unspectacularly and you will return home sober, so proud of yourself. Your sobriety will be strengthened.
You'll get through this Sober45 and look forward to the post where you tell us you absolutely nailed it. We're not going to waste 9 months of solid sobriety for anyone.
And don't forget to have a good time.
Being sober is the best thing we have ever done for ourselves, and we are not going to let anything get in the way of our sobriety. And we'll do it with decorum.
The gathering will end unspectacularly and you will return home sober, so proud of yourself. Your sobriety will be strengthened.
You'll get through this Sober45 and look forward to the post where you tell us you absolutely nailed it. We're not going to waste 9 months of solid sobriety for anyone.
And don't forget to have a good time.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: US
Posts: 264
It is okay! You can do this and you have done it for years just for different reasons! So go and do everything you have always done just don't drink. You haven't had a drink in almost 10 months. So go with your family and before you know it, it will be all over with. You can do this!
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
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It seems I’m in the minority here but I feel that going, to support your husband on a surely difficult day, is very important. You live with him every day and while putting your sobriety first sounds grand your relationship with him is worth feeling uncomfortable in my opinion. You sound like you have a plan, to park far away and a place to retreat if necessary plus talking to your husband about how long to attend. Perhaps include taking 2 cars so you can leave on your own if he decides to stay longer. It might be time to fill the family in on your autism? That could alleviate certain concerns about get togethers in the future.
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Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
Hi Sober, I don’t like the sound of this. If they don’t like you (maybe you’re being harsh?) and you feel that way about your SIL, put yourself, your husband and your sobriety first. If this event was in a year’s time, maybe you’d have the sober time to nail it, but on this occasion, make excuses. Good luck whatever you decide.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
1. You do t HAVE to do anything. You are an adult and owe no one anything. If that situation makes you extremely uncomfortable then you don’t HAVE to do it. Period.
2. If you decide to go, remember that it is your own choice. I understand why you feel like you should go, but there’s no reason to stay longer than you must. Please put yourself first when it comes to your mental health.
2. If you decide to go, remember that it is your own choice. I understand why you feel like you should go, but there’s no reason to stay longer than you must. Please put yourself first when it comes to your mental health.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Thanks all. I am going but I told my husband I am done with gatherings after this . He understands.
I didn’t Know I was on the spectrum until I was in my early 40s. There are so many misconceptions about autism so prefer to keep it myself. I don’t want to be labelled.
We have a 4 hour drive tomorrow just to get there so it’s gonna be a long day.
My mother in law hated alcohol because it ruined much of her life by her father and husbands abuse of it. She didn’t have it easy. I was so happy to tell her about quitting drinking back in April, a month before she passed. If for no other reason I will not drink to honour her memory.
I didn’t Know I was on the spectrum until I was in my early 40s. There are so many misconceptions about autism so prefer to keep it myself. I don’t want to be labelled.
We have a 4 hour drive tomorrow just to get there so it’s gonna be a long day.
My mother in law hated alcohol because it ruined much of her life by her father and husbands abuse of it. She didn’t have it easy. I was so happy to tell her about quitting drinking back in April, a month before she passed. If for no other reason I will not drink to honour her memory.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
your plan sounds solid, Sober45, and well-thought-out.
and yeah, the family sounds like a challenge! which you don’t have to rise to...i like how Obladi put it.
and how fantastic you were able to share with your MIL about your sobriety, and have reasons to honour her.
best reason for going, the wanting to honour. her and yourself and hubby and your kid.
and yeah, the family sounds like a challenge! which you don’t have to rise to...i like how Obladi put it.
and how fantastic you were able to share with your MIL about your sobriety, and have reasons to honour her.
best reason for going, the wanting to honour. her and yourself and hubby and your kid.
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