vkf

Yes I know those feelings all too well. Feels like your ripping out of your own skin with no intelligent reason for it. I would walk and pace around like crazy. Just anything to burn off energy. Being in the moment would absolutely freak me out. Lot of it was anxiety that was caused by a over active mind. I would just spin in my own thoughts. Writing down was a release for some reason. Plus it helped me look at and process whatever situation set me off. Sometimes there isn't anything even going on.

Now its a everyday deal. I make time for no matter what. I will throw on earphones and play morning mediation music and then go at it. The music just blocks the outside noise so I can concentrate. But it works so not gonna fight it hahaha. May sound crazy but whatever works you know!!

ActionJ

It's why taking the 12 steps (especially 1-5 in my case) is so helpful and important. My level of guilt was hovering somewhere in the clouds above Mt. Everest. I had wronged so many people that I was sick deep inside. Recognizing that fact was super important for me. But taking that 4th step and literally writing down everything I felt guilty for an everyone I had wronged was a giant release. Probably the toughest thing I have ever had to do in my life was that infamous but freeing 5th step. Admitting my wrongs then righting all of my wrongs (or at least making the attempt) took a sort of courage that I didn't know I had.

Anyway ... taking actual action is key to sustainable sobriety.

vkf

Yes I totally agree. Dang sure wasn't a good time but the feeedom that follows is awesome and worth it. Its amazing the courage it takes to admit or wrongs but being willing to do anything gives the motivation..

Gabe1980

It doesn't sound crazy at all to me....it makes a lot of sense. It's constantly checking in with yourself, isn't it? Making time to sit with what is going on. I think I am afraid of that sometimes, but I am more afraid of where drinking will take me if I don't stop. I always feel like things are happening just outside my consciousness, and I am wondering if this may really help!

vkf

Yes it is. Its a daily way of making sure a persons mind is directed down the right path if that makes sense. For me at least I can get inside my own mind too much. Way over think and then things can get really out of wack. I'm told repeatedly to live life on life's terms. In other words I got to try and go with the flow. Most alcohlics, I think, are obsessive. We take whatever situation and just analyze the crap out of it. For me its a major control thing. It was hard to wrap my mind around the fact that some things happen just because they do. The process of putting it in writing slows it down. I can see it and understand that sometimes stuff just happens. By slowing down the thoughts to write it I see it from a different perspective almost. All that may sound like babble hahaha but it works in my twisted mind.

Gabe1980

Oh god yes, I am definitely obsessive and I can lose perspective really quickly.....so much so that once something sticks, I can't get rid of it and it will go round and round until I have driven myself crazy. I am better than I used to be, but there is still something seriously up with what happens to me emotionally when I am going through this relapse cycle.

Thank you, these posts have been really helpful today and it's much appreciated.

vkf

You are very welcome. Easier said than done but try and just slow whatever comes up down. Look at it, if possible, from third person. Hang in there..

Delilah1

Hi Gabe,

I am so glad you are posting, and coming up with a plan and dome routines. I also like the idea of standing still and catching your breath, mindfulness has been important for me, it is still something I have to work at, but when I find myself starting to spin I force myself to slow down, breathe and be in the moment, sometimes I’ll do this with a walk, sometimes just breathing, sometimes with the use of my calm app.

I know you can do this, and I am very happy to see you here, and look forward to all of your updates. You’ve got this my friend!

❤️ Delilah

Gabe1980

Thank you! It really reading this, this morning. I am still not really sure what I am doing, or how I am feelings but I am just sticking with the checking in every day and not drinking. I just need to not drink!

Gabe1980

Okay....

DAY 3......

I just got a bottle of Prosecco and a cake delivered to the house. Belated birthday gift.

I have phone Steve and asked him to come up and put it, and a bottle of vodka I have found, in the boot of the car. I don't have keys, so it'll be okay there until I gift it to someone else.

Oh god.....I don't know how I am feeling....I am not going to drink though. I am going to clean the house and I am watching a documentary series on the conflict in Northern Ireland. If needs be, I will eat the whole cake.

Sober45

Early days are tough but you can do it, Gabe

Gabe1980

I am just trying to keep calm!!!

ActionJ

It helped me solidify by desire to get sober by literally pouring my bottles of booze and beers into the toilet and flushing them down. I did the same thing when I quit smoking cigarettes. I had a half a pack and I simply squashed them and threw them away. In any case, I'm saying a prayer for you. God, please give this man strength, courage, and resolve -- Amen.

DriGuy

^Yes, this! There is only one reason to keep this stuff around, and that is so that it can be there if you need it. Keeping it around for that purpose, the only purpose really, doesn't make rational sense: "I need to quit, but I'll keep alcohol around in case I decide not to quit." This is not a recommended plan.

And it does feel good to pour the stuff down the drain and watch it float off to the sewer.

Resurgence

Hey Gabe,

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if you are serious about quitting, just pour it away.

What's a bottle of prosecco and a bottle of vodka - £30?

Why does it need to be moved to the car boot?

Gabe1980

It's gone! It's with my neighbour.

It didn't feel right to just pour it out when someone had spent money on it as a gift - but I didn't want it round the house either x

Gabe1980

I wish I could get rid of it all but some of it is my husbands and he continues to drink.....I have got rid of what I can and I think I am going to ask him to keep his drinks somewhere away from me. It's much harder if they are just sitting there for me to see. Usually I am okay after a while but it's really hard in the early days....

Thank you for your prayer! And for posting x

Sober45

I came across an almost empty bottle of whisky the other day. I took the cap off and smelled it. I then looked at and said out loud "you F***ing peace of s***. I let you take away years of my life....i neglected my daughter for you, you dirty bast***!!!". I threw it the garbage. It was cathartic.

nez

Yeah that can be hard in the early days, but the strength you are building can last you a lifetime. Also the beauty is that the more you work on strength, the more it grows. Patience and persistence are good workout partners.

Gabe1980

That does sound really cathartic! Good for you. I have lost all my anger again.....I was really angry before about the time/money/self-respect I had wasted. It'll come. I've got faith that, as long as I don't drink, all of that will come back. x