treeguy24

Decided to come and post in this section of the forum because mainly I am looking for a place to check in daily, make some recovery friends, etc. and wasn't sure what the best section in these forums was. My counselor said I need to have a stronger support system and she’s right. I really don’t have anyone I talk to except her, and occasionally one of my family members and a friend. The truth is I don’t have a good family situation so that isn’t exactly the best place to look for support from more than one person.

I initially came on here a couple years ago but then took a hiatus. I’m back now because I’ve started struggling again. I am an opiate addict but I have also had problems with alcohol too. I first started using pain pills in high school. Prior to starting using opiates I was chasing other methods of getting high. For a while I was using inhalants, mainly huffing gasoline out of a brown paper bag. Looking back now I can’t believe I did that. I also occasionally experimented with weed but honestly, it never really did much for me. And sometimes smoking cigarettes here and there. Then obviously I started using pills and what started out as once in a while turned into a regular thing whenever I could get them. I first started using pills in 2012 and used through till the summer of 2013. Mainly opiates, but occasionally I also used sleeping pills, benzos, etc.

Now during this time I was also struggling with Anorexia and Bulimia. I had lost a lot of weight because of it. There was so much other stuff going on, so much that has gone on during the time of my childhood, and a lot of that trauma I think has contributed to my addiction. But I’m not going to get into everything right now with my childhood because I want to focus on the addiction aspect at the moment for my first post. To sum it all up, I had a lot of family issues, verbal / psychological abuse and trauma, etc.

So I used the pills for part of 2012 into the summer of 2013, was struggling with an eating disorder, and during this time two family members got very sick and passed away within a couple months from each other. I also lost our cat.

So I stopped using in the summer of 2013, partly because I was trying to move forward and also because I no longer had access to pills. I started college in the fall of 2013 and then I eventually started experimenting with alcohol for the first time. It was my first experience with an alcohol buzz. I was drinking alone. It started out as 1-2 times a week or so. Not all the time, once in a while. Then fast forward to the summer of 2014 and I was drinking every single evening, and I was drinking a lot. It became a new addiction. I did get clean I think around September of 2014 and that marked the beginning of a 2 – 2.5 year period of no alcohol or drugs.

Then in December of 2016, I guess I was feeling down or whatever, I started thinking about using again. I ended up taking a small sip of alcohol and immediately started drinking regularly. The addiction took off again, and I was drinking a lot. Sometimes in the morning, sometimes while working, my work eventually found out but because it was a family business I was working for they gave me a break and worked with me. They didn't actually know the extent of it or my history with using / addiction. I tried getting clean and was somewhat successful here and there. Had some brief periods of sobriety in there and then I quit the family business and started my own business. I started drinking again and started searching for opiates. Once I started using the pain pills again I immediately stopped drinking. Drinking was sort of a replacement for the pills when I didn’t have them. I basically picked up where I had left off a couple years prior and was using pills everyday, or whenever I had them. Then in June of 2018 I got into an outpatient opiate addiction recovery program. That has really helped me the last two years and I had been doing better.

In the last two years I have had a couple relapses with pills and a couple slips of drinking, but I always bounced back very quickly.

Now to more recent events. My last real relapse with pills was around November of last year (2019). After not having them for about a year or year and half, I started searching again and ended up going on couple day bender. Got off of them and continued with my outpatient recovery program, and was doing better again.

Then this year, the Pandemic started, my daily routine that was a huge part in my recovery because I was doing things that helped me stay on track was disrupted, and I found my urges to use getting stronger and stronger. This started around March / April and I think it might have been in May, I slipped and took part of a pill but stopped after that and continued with my program and didn’t take anymore. Not too long after that, around June, I had a couple drinks. That kicked off the next 2-3 months of regular drinking, up until where we are right now, in September. This time around I had somewhat more control over it, wasn’t drinking everyday or as much as I was when I was using / addicted to alcohol, but still drinking a lot on the days I did drink and for me even one drink is too many.

So here I am on day 3. Trying to not drink, struggling with urges to use pills at times, etc. etc. I feel very guilty about this relapse with drinking. It sort of came out of nowhere. Because in the last three years drinking hadn't really been a part of my life or an issue for me when I was using opiates. Anytime I did slip and drink it was just a couple drinks, never getting real buzzed or drunk and then that would be it for a long time. I had the opiate relapse at the end of last year, so I could understand those urges and stuff. I never expected alcohol to become a problem again. So I am feeling deeply down and ashamed that I let this happen.

Part of the problem too is I don't think I've one hundred percent committed to recovery. I know that's on me to figure out. As long as I leave that door open for using, I know I am susceptible to relapses like this. Maybe the reason I am on here posting is because I feel like I need to at least do something, at least share my thoughts, etc. I thought about coming on here when I relapsed at the end of last year but didn't end up following through.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Sober45

Welcome back, Treeguy, and thank you for sharing your story. I think coming here and venting is a great way to get things more out in the open. You are not alone in your struggle with addiction, that's for sure.

Remember that for most of us, addiction is progressive meaning it gets worse over time. This can be a very gradual process that sneaks up on you. So I'm not surprised to hear that the urge to drink jumped out at you like it did.

But you came here and your thinking it through...that's how we do it in sobriety

Erica375

Welcome, Treeguy! Coming to this site to read and post has really helped me. I have emotional support from my family, but no one to talk with about addiction issues.

I've tried a few different recovery sites and this seems to be the one I keep coming back to. I hope you'll keep posting and working at it.

Anna

Treeguy, I think it's a good idea to use SR as a source of support for your recovery. We do understand how confusing addiction can be sometimes and how hard it is to recover.

You said, "Part of the problem too is I don't think I've one hundred percent committed to recovery. I know that's on me to figure out. As long as I leave that door open for using, I know I am susceptible to relapses like this." I don't think you can emphasize the importance of this statement. It wasn't until I decided that drinking was no longer an option for me, ever, that my mind began to work to find healthy ways to deal with stress and life. You can do this.

treeguy24

Another new day. Didn't drink or use pills yesterday. There was parts of the day where I found myself with thoughts of drinking but I got through it. Today is day 4. Woke up at 4AM and started the day with a great workout at home.

Don't have anything specific to talk about right now so I'm just going to put some thoughts this morning:

I am a very routine-oriented person. Prior to the pandemic I had a very consistent and strict routine of getting up between 3AM - 4AM and going to the gym. I have my own business and work for myself, so I also create my own schedule day to day. Now I have all the workout equipment I need at home but I still enjoyed leaving the house, working out at the gym, and the drive there and the drive back. Hardly anyone is on the road at that early hour, it's still dark out, peaceful, it was sort of "me time." It was a huge part of what was has been keeping me on track. Unfortunately I had to make the decision to start working out at home and stop going to the gym because of Pandemic. And with the way things are going, it could be a long time before it is actually safe to return the gym regardless if they are open or not. So I need to adjust my routine to being home more and not going to the gym, but also so that I am continuing to move forward. I think this disruption in my routine, plus the added stress and anxiety of the Pandemic itself, could have been a contributing factor to using, because using just like my morning fitness routine, sort of has a routine in and around itself.

For the last 2-3 months I would usually start drinking in the afternoons. Sometimes mid-late afternoon, sometimes as early as 12-1 in the afternoon. With being home more obviously and not working as much as I used to, it sort of became a routine to maybe be productive and do things in the morning if I had things to do and then go through the rest of the day in an alcohol buzz. Even when I would use pills I sort of would create a routine around it at times.

Now regardless if I was using or not using, because I didn't drink everyday and I did have days where I was clean, I have also found that sometimes in the afternoons or even late morning I start feeling more down. Like yesterday for instance, I was feeling down and I laid on my bed and closed my eyes for a little while and ended up just lying in bed for a couple hours. I don't mind taking a nap if that's what I want to do, but I really don't want to lie in bed for a couple hours thinking of all the negative emotions and just passing the time because I'm feeling down and or tempted to use. Now granted, if it helps me get through the urges to use and stuff then I rather that than using. But even so, I think what I need to try and do is have things I can do in the afternoon if I start feeling that way. I mean even if it's as simple as sitting outside and doing nothing, or trying to read, or watch tv, anything really...I think I would feel better than just lying down and sort of being enveloped in all the emotions. I realize it's important to feel your emotions, but at some point they can become too overwhelming.

Mornings are definitely my most productive. And my work doesn't necessarily keep me tied up for 8 hours a day, it varies each week how much I work and how many days I work, especially with the Pandemic.

One thing I am going to focus on is trying to be more consistent with my early morning routine. When I was going to the gym I was very consistent all the time. But now that I don't have to leave the house and I just go to my home gym to workout, it's easier to sometimes not get up at the time I want, or stay up a little later. And using or drinking doesn't help that. I need to adapt my daily routine as best as I can to being home more and not going out, and I think that will help.

I feel better but I know there's a lot of emotions inside about this relapse. I'm sort of trying to focus on what I can and deal with feelings as they come, but not dwell all day on it because that won't be good and could lead to more relapse. I do feel guilty and bad about it as I mentioned in my first post, but it will be something I need to work on.

So one of my goals for today is to not dwell too much on the emotions or make them into a bigger ordeal then they actually are if I'm feeling down, and not go lay in my bed because I'm lacking motivation, etc. Instead, I will try to acknowledge the feelings but do something else instead.

Sober45

Awesome, Treeguy...excellent job on thinking things through. Have you considered taking the exercise outside? Maybe even something like meditation or yoga outside? Not that I'm one to talk....it's on my "dream list" but I'm not there yet. However, I do grow veggies outside and it's a really great hobby that keeps me sane

Erica375

I agree with Sober45. Try meditation. I've used an app, I think it was called Insight Timer. It had guided meditations and some of them were geared towards recovery and sobriety.

treeguy24

Thanks for the input. Most of my working out is weight training focused so I can't really do that outside, but I suppose I could do some of my yoga / cardio portion here and there. The only thing is I train when it's still dark out in the morning and the weather is getting chilly now so it isn't always ideal. But I do like to work outside around the house, so that's something.

So today was a double edged sword. On one hand I am happy because I executed my plan. When feeling down and struggling with the urges to use, I didn't just lie there and obsess about the emotions, I decided to go outside and do some work at the house. It felt great! But the urges and urges kept getting stronger and stronger and I ended up drinking. Sigh. So it's back to day 1 tomorrow. On one hand today was progress but on the other I used.

This whole relapse started with the urges to relapse on the pills back in March / April / May. My last major opiate relapse was at the end of last year. And I did but I got back with my opiate addiction recovery program. That program really helps me to not slip and use the pills because I am on "maintenance medication." I know not everyone agrees with that approach because it could be seen as swapping one drug for another, but if I am honest with myself I'm not ready to stop using entirely. So being on the medication has allowed me to get out of the chaos of being addicted to the pills, blowing all my money etc. and allow me to focus on other areas of my life. It's helped me enormously. For me it works. And this is the primary reason that it's been easier for me to not give in to those urges to use the pills because I just take the medication. So back track to June when I was struggling with those urges to use the pills, I just would take the medication every morning instead and stay on track. But the one day I decided to have some drinks, I now started focusing on that, and that became a problem. So how come in 3 years when alcohol hasn't really been a part of my life because I was using, did I all of a sudden start having issues with it again? I really am having a hard time wrapping my head around how this happened. I've said it before, I could understand going on a relapse with the pills, but I never expected to be in this situation with drinking again. Granted, I think my issue right now is more of a drinking problem and not an alcohol addiction, but even so, for me it's a serious issue and I want to stop.

I seem to be able to make it 2-3 days and then that's when I start struggling. The only positive I can take from this is compared to the past when I've drank in the years before, I have at least had some control over it this time in the sense I am not drinking everyday and I try to control how much I drink even though I'm still drinking a lot.

Sigh. I feel bad about this. What am I going to do. I would love to come on here say it's day 30 without alcohol, I'm doing great, etc.

Khorhey

How did it become a problem again? You started drinking. You’re not normal when it comes to alcohol so you need to abstain. Unfortunately that’s the only way.

I have the same problem. I want to be normal and have a couple drinks. But it doesn’t work out for me. I’m not happy with a couple drinks. So I need to just not drink.

treeguy24

Well it’s a new day, and I’m not gonna waste it beating myself up for what I did yesterday. It is what it is. I did what I did. I can’t take it back. But I can make different decisions going forward.

I can use this experience to learn and realize that alcohol will always be a risky business, and one drink could kick off a bender.

My sleep was all messed up from drinking and I got very little, but regardless of being tired I’m going to start the day with an early morning workout, and proceed forward.

Sober45

Keep going you will get there. Both pills and booze provide relief from whatever you’re feeling in the moment. Cut off the pills and in comes the booze. It happens on a subconscious level. I had to Find a healthier alternative to replace the alcohol. I drank a lot of sugary drinks. Sounds simple but it really helped kill the urge.

i know a guy who went from homeless to a supervisor position in the space of 5 years thanks to the methadone program. The last time I spoke to him he was down to a very tiny dose. Maintenance program saved his life. You can be one of those people.

NicLin

SO so great that you are on here, telling on yourself, holding yourself accountable and checking in. From what I read, it has been a slow burn but you are doing this things and we are rooting for you!

Keep logging on!

Nic.

treeguy24

One of the reasons I am struggling with so much guilt is because of the fact I have done fairly well on the maintenance program. I feel like I've screwed everything up by drinking. If I had relapsed on the pills I would've just got back on the maintenance program and kept moving forward. Drinking is an entirely different ball game. Not even in the same category.

So back track to last May / June..I was struggling with urges to use and I did have a slip with opiates but immediately continued with my maintenance program. The urges to use were still there. One day I decided to have a drink, and the you know the rest. Drinking became a part of my routine multiple times per week, when prior it hadn't really been a part of my life for almost 3 years.

Sober45

Feeling guilty makes it harder to stay sober. You said you “decided” to start drinking. You can also decide not to drink and that will become your new normal over time. What other things can you do that will either distract you or provide comfort?

treeguy24

I mean I already have things I do which are really good things like exercise, yoga, etc. I suppose I could come up with some more.

The way it usually goes is if I have urges to use pills those come on in the morning and sometimes the night before. But I take my medication first thing in the morning so if I am really struggling I am usually going back and forth between taking pills or continuing with the medication. Once I take the medication, I am good for the rest of the day usually. But late morning to afternoon is when I start having thoughts of drinking. Afternoons I have noticed can be a struggle. Not just with using but my mood. Morning's are definitely when I feel happy and most productive, mostly because I start the morning with my early morning fitness routine. The afternoons however, when I've got all my stuff done usually depending what I had going that day, is when I can start feeling down, etc.

I think I need to create a set plan for how to handle afternoons so that I don't find myself in a situation where I am consumed by the negative feelings or urges to drink or use.

I will admit I relapsed again yesterday and drank. The good news I suppose you could say is the last week or so I've had some more days where I don't drink versus days I do drink. Often how it would happen is I would go on a multi day bender, usually 3-4 days then have 1-3 days where I don't drink, and then repeat the process. I know I need to really work on this.

And I think I need to address two primary things: the guilt and shame I am feeling and also feeling down, etc. Because those two emotions are not going to give me incentive to NOT use or drink, they are more likely to make me want to use or drink, right?

Dee74

For me with drinking, I'd get all caught up in the reasons I thought I drank and try to fix those, but end up drinking again cos the job was too hard or too big.

The last time I stopped I simply stopped drinking - for any reason.

Never again.No means no. Take the option off the table. Not even if my butt is on fire.

After some sober time I was way better placed to look at and deal with those underlying things

D

treeguy24

I don’t understand why I can’t seem to get more than a few days of sobriety off the alcohol. I ended up drinking again today, so that makes two days in a row.

There has to be something driving this. Tomorrow morning when I wake up I will likely be tempted to use the pills.

And then even if I don’t drink, I still have this enormous guilt to deal with about the fact I started drinking again in the first place after 3 years away from it for the most part and the fact that I am currently in a recovery program for opiates. I had been doing really well!

Dee74

why can't it be as simple as you're addicted?

The solution to all your problems seems to me to be not drinking and using, and I'm not trying to be a jerk when I say that.

If you can't stop on your own for more than a few days maybe its time to write down all your options and choose the least painful one as a start?

AA NA or some other meeting based group, counselling, doctor inpatient or outpatient rehab, or something else of your choice?


D

treeguy24

Because it had been 3 years since alcohol had really been a part of my life. Any time I did slip up and drink I had maybe 2-3 drinks and no desire to keep drinking. Alcohol didn't faze me at all. And then all of a sudden this years this HAPPENS?? Why? I've ruined the last two years.

treeguy24

Happy Sunday!

Reflecting back and reading my posts from yesterday I think I need to work on not being so hard on myself. That’s something I have struggled with for a long time. I have had tendencies to ridicule myself for even the smallest of things and making them into this “I’ve ruined everything crisis” if you know what I mean. The fact is what happened happened and I can’t take it back, I can only focus on the here and now and moving forward.

This is something I am going to try and work on.