More Than I Can Handle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 1
More Than I Can Handle
Hello all,
This is my first post. I am almost not sure where to start. My husband is an alcoholic, something that has been encouraged because of an undiagnosed movement disorder that has been getting worse over the past year. He turned to drinking a little over a few months ago (though him and members of his family have had past issues with alcoholism), and these last few months have been the most miserable of my life. We have a young son, 9 years old, and we homeschool, though that has become a struggle as my husband used to do his schooling since I work full time from home and he doesn't work. Because of the drinking I am taking on pretty much all of the responsibility at home, but that isn't even really the issue at all. The biggest problem is with his constant lying, sneaking booze, getting it while I'm asleep, which has caused me to have horrible sleeping problems. If I am not woken up several times a night by him being drunk and careless, then I wake up worrying that he's gone out and gotten more. He agreed to start seeing a counceler, and he's had three visits with this great Christian counseler who is trying to help him both with the movement disorder and the drinking, but so far nothing has stuck. His longest stretch of not drinking has been about a week, but then it was followed by another bender. When he drinks he talks about dying, he's completely unreasonable even when I try and barely talk to him, in order not to instigate a fight or having him go off into the desert, drunk, where I won't be able to find him if he passes out. He has spent nights outside, sometimes in our van parked in front of the house, sometimes not sleeping at all, just drinking. With my work being the only income, I haven't been able to stop taking jobs in order to try and get away for a bit, especially since I would need to take our son, and it has gotten harder and harder to focus on my work and not fall behind, only to pile on the stress. I have been getting heart fluttering and eye twitching from all of the stress, though I have prayed and prayed and prayed for God to help me with this heavy burden. He doesn't believe in going to a treatment or rehab place because he doesn't believe the success rate is high enough to even work, so I haven't pushed that very much. He keeps telling me things will get better and he'll stop drinking (all of the usual, I am sure), but continues to lie and break promises and spend most of the days drunk around the house. He isn't physically abusive, though he can be very mean, especially when he feels like I am not happy with him (which, when he's sober, he knows I have every reason to not be happy). I am at a point where I really don't have anyone to talk to about it and don't even know what I should really do at this point, other than let him continue. He threatened to take a bus across the country the other day and be homeless to force himself to get better, and I was so distraught and upset that he said he would try harder here. But now I wonder if I should just let him go, if he threatens again. I will worry so much and I don't know if it's better to worry when I don't know what might happen to him because he's so far away, or worry while he's here, and I'm walking on eggshells or worrying about the next time he will sneak off to buy more.
I'm just at a loss and feeling so hopeless right now. I have thought about trying to see if anyone in my family can take our son for a little while, but then worry that I will put myself in a bad state where it would be too easy to do something stupid to myself. I hate feeling that way, I hate feeling so depressed and hopeless, but I have just been put through such a roller coaster of lies and pain and frustration.
This is my first post. I am almost not sure where to start. My husband is an alcoholic, something that has been encouraged because of an undiagnosed movement disorder that has been getting worse over the past year. He turned to drinking a little over a few months ago (though him and members of his family have had past issues with alcoholism), and these last few months have been the most miserable of my life. We have a young son, 9 years old, and we homeschool, though that has become a struggle as my husband used to do his schooling since I work full time from home and he doesn't work. Because of the drinking I am taking on pretty much all of the responsibility at home, but that isn't even really the issue at all. The biggest problem is with his constant lying, sneaking booze, getting it while I'm asleep, which has caused me to have horrible sleeping problems. If I am not woken up several times a night by him being drunk and careless, then I wake up worrying that he's gone out and gotten more. He agreed to start seeing a counceler, and he's had three visits with this great Christian counseler who is trying to help him both with the movement disorder and the drinking, but so far nothing has stuck. His longest stretch of not drinking has been about a week, but then it was followed by another bender. When he drinks he talks about dying, he's completely unreasonable even when I try and barely talk to him, in order not to instigate a fight or having him go off into the desert, drunk, where I won't be able to find him if he passes out. He has spent nights outside, sometimes in our van parked in front of the house, sometimes not sleeping at all, just drinking. With my work being the only income, I haven't been able to stop taking jobs in order to try and get away for a bit, especially since I would need to take our son, and it has gotten harder and harder to focus on my work and not fall behind, only to pile on the stress. I have been getting heart fluttering and eye twitching from all of the stress, though I have prayed and prayed and prayed for God to help me with this heavy burden. He doesn't believe in going to a treatment or rehab place because he doesn't believe the success rate is high enough to even work, so I haven't pushed that very much. He keeps telling me things will get better and he'll stop drinking (all of the usual, I am sure), but continues to lie and break promises and spend most of the days drunk around the house. He isn't physically abusive, though he can be very mean, especially when he feels like I am not happy with him (which, when he's sober, he knows I have every reason to not be happy). I am at a point where I really don't have anyone to talk to about it and don't even know what I should really do at this point, other than let him continue. He threatened to take a bus across the country the other day and be homeless to force himself to get better, and I was so distraught and upset that he said he would try harder here. But now I wonder if I should just let him go, if he threatens again. I will worry so much and I don't know if it's better to worry when I don't know what might happen to him because he's so far away, or worry while he's here, and I'm walking on eggshells or worrying about the next time he will sneak off to buy more.
I'm just at a loss and feeling so hopeless right now. I have thought about trying to see if anyone in my family can take our son for a little while, but then worry that I will put myself in a bad state where it would be too easy to do something stupid to myself. I hate feeling that way, I hate feeling so depressed and hopeless, but I have just been put through such a roller coaster of lies and pain and frustration.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Hi,
That looks like a painful situation you're in. I suppose it's not really a situation - it's your life.
Unless and until he stops drinking - nothing is going to change on his end. There's no reason for anything to change. You've taken on all the responsibilities while he spends the money you earn on alcohol. Or did I miss something there?
You mentioned allowing your son to go live with family. What if you both left? What if you stopped paying for everything and let your husband wake up to no money for more alcohol? What might happen if he had to get his sh1t together and go get a job? What might happen if he woke up one day and realized that you and your child were not only gone - you're STAYING gone... He has a lot of work in front of him.
You are in a position to make some hard decisions regarding your and your child's sanity and welfare. You can't control your husband but you can sure control your life and your child's life by removing you both from this drama.
If you can't leave, perhaps he should.
That looks like a painful situation you're in. I suppose it's not really a situation - it's your life.
Unless and until he stops drinking - nothing is going to change on his end. There's no reason for anything to change. You've taken on all the responsibilities while he spends the money you earn on alcohol. Or did I miss something there?
You mentioned allowing your son to go live with family. What if you both left? What if you stopped paying for everything and let your husband wake up to no money for more alcohol? What might happen if he had to get his sh1t together and go get a job? What might happen if he woke up one day and realized that you and your child were not only gone - you're STAYING gone... He has a lot of work in front of him.
You are in a position to make some hard decisions regarding your and your child's sanity and welfare. You can't control your husband but you can sure control your life and your child's life by removing you both from this drama.
If you can't leave, perhaps he should.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,466
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for your situation and the stress you are feeling.
There is little you can do to help your husband get sober. That is something he will need to decide for himself and accomplish himself. I'm glad that he is getting some counselling and I hope it will help, but it will depend on your husband's motivation. He has told you he is not interested in treatment or rehab, but I wonder if he has considered AA? It also sounds like it would be helpful for him to visit his doctor about the undiagnosed movement disorder and the alcoholism.
For you, it does sound like you need a break and I hope you find a family member who will help with your son for a few days. I would suggest that you check out AlAnon in your town or city as a support for you. And, you can always find support here. Keep your focus on your son and yourself and you will be able to get through this.
I'm sorry for your situation and the stress you are feeling.
There is little you can do to help your husband get sober. That is something he will need to decide for himself and accomplish himself. I'm glad that he is getting some counselling and I hope it will help, but it will depend on your husband's motivation. He has told you he is not interested in treatment or rehab, but I wonder if he has considered AA? It also sounds like it would be helpful for him to visit his doctor about the undiagnosed movement disorder and the alcoholism.
For you, it does sound like you need a break and I hope you find a family member who will help with your son for a few days. I would suggest that you check out AlAnon in your town or city as a support for you. And, you can always find support here. Keep your focus on your son and yourself and you will be able to get through this.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
Welcome to the family. 
I urge you to find some support for yourself. You are under a lot of stress and that's hard on you, both physically and emotionally. I will keep you in my prayers for peace of mind.
I urge you to find some support for yourself. You are under a lot of stress and that's hard on you, both physically and emotionally. I will keep you in my prayers for peace of mind. Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I am sorry to pile on here, but the sooner you accept that you must forge your own better life and stop waiting for your addicted husband to do it for you, the better things will get for you, and more importantly for your son, who has no options in the matter.
Your husband is on his own path. Please do not allow him to drag you and your boy down with him.
Your husband is on his own path. Please do not allow him to drag you and your boy down with him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
