Flowing

I've been struggling with my alcohol addiction for over 10 years now. I've looked back at journal entries from 10 years ago that I could have written yesterday.

Although a lot of areas of life have progressed over the years my addictive behaviour still remains, I have learnt a lot about addiction, I have read books, I have basically conducted self therapy and I feel like I understand things pretty well but I am still drinking.
For me stopping drinking isn't particularly hard, its the staying stopped.

I fell off the wagon 3 days ago and they've been the worst 3 days I've had for a long time. I had about 45 days sobriety.

I wish I didn't pick up again but at the same time I'm sitting here at 7.30 am uk time having not slept all night feeling like going out to get another bottle of scotch. ******* madness.

Dee74

I hope you can find reasons not to go out and get that bottle of scotch Flowing.
Those 45 days looked pretty good for you from my perspective?

D

Flowing

Thanks Dee.

They did, so many positives to those 45 days. I wish I didn't ruin everything.

I'm not going out for that bottle

Dee74

You haven;t ruined everything. You've made a mistake or two but you can fix this

D

doggonecarl

It's one thing to "learn" about addiction. Another thing to address it. One action is passive. The other is active. You are not going to think yourself sober.

Noam19

Scotch...blech. Had some bad experiences with that. The thought of that smell almost turns my stomach. The thought of a more pleasant smell could be a good distraction...for some reason the first thing that popped into my head was waffles. I must be hungry.

Forget the scotch...go have some waffles!

Erica375

Flowing, thank you for your honesty. Thank you for posting this morning so I could read your message.

I am just a few days short of 45 days sober and I'm unfortunately starting to hear the Alcoholic Voice again. So I've been doubling down on my recovery work (reading, journaling, exercising, keeping busy with crafts and sewing projects) but it's hard to get that voice to SHUT UP.

Please keep trying. We all know the first few days are rough, but you WILL start to feel better again. And you didn't lose those 45 days of sobriety. Use what you learned during that time to help you get back there. You can do this!!!

Dropsie

The 45 days do not go away.

You learned a lot about how good it is to be sober.

For me, I finally took a decision that drinking was just not an option. Dont kick my dog and dont hit my kids and I dont drink.

What brought me to that point was accepting to my soul that abstinence is not control and that one drink, one sip was always going to turn into a disaster. It was that complete and total acceptance that made it possible for me to decide once and for all time I do not drink and I am not going to change my mind.

I still do take it day by day after five years, but for me it is a fact. I am short and do not drink, neither is going to change.

So please dont do that all or nothing thinking that we addicts do, I drank so now I haveto/get to/may as well keep on drinking.

You could try, I drank, feel like sh$t, so I am going to stop again and if the AV comes calling I am going to reread this post.

XX

Jim1958

I understand what you are going through. I relapsed for years. I knew I had an alcohol problem, and I tried to stop. Trying is important. I started keeping a "sobriety calendar" and would mark days drinking and days sober. At the end of the year, I would add it up. If I had more than half - over 182 days sober in a year - I considered that a victory. What were those years like? Months of being sober. Months of drinking. I would go 6 days sober. Then I would drink for days. Then more sober time. This goes on and on. One time I made it a year - 365 days. I drank on day 366. This is to demonstrate to you that 45 days is great. It shows you can do it. Keep trying. Just because you drank does not mean those 45 days were wasted. On the contrary, they show you can make progress if you keep trying. Best wishes.

DriGuy

As I neared my bottom, one night I bought a quart of whiskey and fell asleep (passed out) around midnight. I woke up at 3:00 AM and decided to kill the rest of the quart. Even while drinking the last of it, I felt stupid, pitiful, and out of control. Like you, I knew this was unnatural. There was no sane reason for behaving that way. But addiction has nothing to do with logic or sanity. It's an independent behavior that takes precedence over all other behaviors.

I wish I could help you, but once I quit, I never went back to the bottle, so I don't have a lot of experience with falling off the wagon. Sure, I was tempted early on, but I decided I needed to change my behavior, and sometimes it was a struggle. The struggle didn't last long, and I was soon able to manage. But then another danger showed up, one that for a lot of alcoholics is more dangerous than craving. It's that alcoholic voice, which is insistent on telling you that you can now manage one drink. It's like winning one battle was only to be replaced by a harder one requiring a different strategy. It's a battle that you don't see coming, and when you do, it seems like the friendliest of faces.

I won't say I have zero experience with your situation. I struggled with my stupid pitiful behavior for a couple of years, before I figured out what to do, or knew anything about what to expect.

My thoughts will be with you.

Anna

Flowing, yes, the staying stopped is hard, but you can do it. My suggestion is to think about making changes in your life that will support your recovery. I had to remove a few toxic people from my life, I began an hour or so of walking every day, and I got back to activities and hobbies that I had previously enjoyed. What can you do to help yourself recover?

ImNotThatGuy

Hey Flowing, I also fell off the wagon recently. It happens, and it feels bad when it does. The important thing is to get back on and stay on. One of these times, we'll climb up there and find a comfy seat and stay forever.

LumenandNyx

It looks like stopping drinking for you is particularly hard. When I say I stopped drinking, I don't mean something else. I don't mean that I stopped and then started again. I mean I don't drink alcohol - anymore. Period.

The reason you've felt so awful for the last three days is due to your alcohol consumption. Why go buy more when that's the cause of your distress in the first place?