jslsnye

I've been going to meetings for about two months now. I've stayed clean for a whole two weeks at a time. The problem....It is in my home. I'm married to a wonderful man who is also an addict. I want to quit he doesn't. We have three beautiful kids and it would kill me if they ever found out. I have more of a problem then him. I have begged him to stop for my sake. He tells me he will, but I know better. I get myself so upset. I look for it! He tries to hide it from me but that has become almost impossible. I'm terrible about looking for it. I can't sleep if I think there is possibly some somewhere. So I search and when I find it I use than blame it on him. I confuse the hell out of him. One day I'm asking for it the next day I'm in tears begging him to just not bring it in the home for 30 days. Just to give me a jump start. He fooled me once for about 5 years. I was clean, sober and very happy. Then I busted him by total accident. Things haven't been the same. Oh sure now we are much closer but I'm also so much further into this it is pathetic. I'm thinking of going away for awhile. I just don't see that as a possiblity though. As I said I have three kids who depend on me. A big family that would have too many questions! I just don't know what to do! Anyone been there?????

Anna

Hi and welcome to SR,

It sounds like you want to stop but you're not sure if you want to make such a big commitment. Really it is not about your husband or your family, it is about you and you can choose to stop or not. Of course, it would be easier if your husband stopped as well, but regardless you can still do it. It is up to you and no one else.

We can offer lots of support and encouragement here. You can do this and be there for your children.

Anna

lulu70

Just wanted to say welcome. Sounds like you have some pretty tough decisions to make. We are all here for support and encouragement. Hang in there!

NoMoBeer

Whew! You've got a lot going on there. My doc was beer/alcohol, and while my wife drinks the ocassional glass of wine, it would be totally different if she was quaffing beers in front of me, that's got to be tough for you.

That being said, the old timers tell me that without my sobriety, I have nothing. That has to come first in my life, or I will lose all the other stuff (house, family, health, etc.). So, for me -- that's the number one priority.

Hope you have folks in the program you can discuss with. Wish I was more help, we're always here to support and listen, either way.

Ken

Magichappens

Hi jslsnye,
Welcome. Are you getting any support for your recovery? Doing it on your own, and not having positive support is a hard road to take. It is hard to focus on yourself when you are focussing on fixing your family. Each person has to decide for themself when they are going to recover. Just because you have chosen this doesn't mean others around you will.

I am not an alcoholic, but I deal with living with it daily. Getting support, like AA, counselling, or anything that can give you positive input can help. You are just starting to heal yourself. You may not have the strength to take on someone else's issues too.

Finding supportive and positive people can help us deal with the negative situations we have to face. Having only the negative can eat away at what we are trying to accomplish, which is finding our own healing and freedom.

If you have some sort of recovery group, you may want to attend an Al-Anon meeting, or visit the "Friends and Families of Alcoholics" forum. It may give you some tools to help you focus on your own recovery. Hugs, Magic

findingout

Hi and welcome to SR jslsnye,

First of all, no matter what happens your head will not explode and you will not fall off the face of the earth. Really. Your head will not explode if the truth comes out and the longer you put off doing something the closer that day comes. You will not be able to successfully hide this from your children forever.

I have not been exactly where you are but I have been exacty where you are. Trapped by an addiction, wanting to keep using but afraid of the consequences of doing so, wanting to quit but afraid to ask for help from anybody because to do so would be admitting that I had a problem I couldn't fix all by myself without anybody ever knowing about it.

Please don't wait to do something about this. Don't wait until your husband is ready because he may never be ready. Don't wait until your kids are grown because you may not make it that long and because each day you continue this charade/lie is a day you won't get back.

I know that right now this seems like the biggest mutha of all problems and probably insurmountable. But if you try with all your heart, you can recover from this. And when you get a ways down the path, you will look back and see that it was surmountable after all. It just took work, and hope, and effort, and love, and trust, and willingness. None of which, by the way, you will find at that bottom of a pill bottle, or a vodka bottle, or a needle, or a line, or a joint, or whatever else your particular slow death of choice may be.

You can start by talking to your doctor, your priest (if applicable), or
by attending a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous. You could start by seeking professional help but initially giving your family a different reason for doing so.

I'll tell you straight out: I didn't start recovery by myself, I couldn't have recovery by myself, and even if I could, that would not make it a better thing.

I hope you find the courage and strength to start down the path. It is so worth every effort.

One Love, One Heart, Jah Bless