sortofhomecomin

The usual advice for those in recovery is no new relationships for first two years. I have already breached this 'rule' and intend continuing to do so. I intend driving a coach and horses through it. Anyone have any input/comments/feedback?

suki44883

Why are you asking us? You've already said you are going to do whatever you want to do, so why ask our opinion?
Hope it works out for you.

sugarbear1

This statement came from rehabs; most AA's don't follow directions well anyway, so there really is no rule. Every person we meet in early sobriety is a new relationship, including one with a power greater than self.....

Just be aware that you may see a side of you that you haven't seen before.........

Dee74

Hi sortofhomecoming

I don;t know of any rule but it's often suggested no new relationships for one year.

I can see the sense in this - when I quit I was one hot mess. I wouldn't have been so much inviting someone in to share my life as inflicting myself on them.

I needed alone time to get comfortable with who sober me was, and to get comfortable with my own company.

Too often I was looking at someone else to fix me or complete or keep me happy. No one can bear up under the strain of those expectations.

So I'm glad I did some work on myself and waited a while.

If you intend to go full steam ahead think about how you'll handle things if you break up pr things don't always go the way you like.
No relationship is perfect and there will be stresses and strains,

If you can say honestly that won't be a trigger to drink, fine...but if you think adversity could start you drinking again, then maybe you need to wait a while too?

D

sortofhomecomin

Indeed.

sortofhomecomin

Actually, that isn't precisely what I said. I expressed an intention and invited comments. I am open to being persuaded out of the intention, but in two years' I'll be 48. Not getting any younger.

Unnecessarily sarky, if you want my view.

biminiblue

so...are you drinking today?

biminiblue

And what is a "relationship" to you? If you have 15 sober days, that's barely time for a couple dates, which I would certainly not call a "relationship."

Are you just talking about a date (or hookup, or whatever it is) because that's not where it gets sticky. It gets sticky when you have to actually talk about stuff and be involved in someone else's life.

sortofhomecomin

No, I am 16 days sober.

sortofhomecomin

I was nine weeks sober, then relapsed for six weeks, now two weeks and a bit sober. I'm involved in someone's life. I met her in rehab. She is currently not sober.

Edit: Bimini, that quote from the Danish writer you have as your sig, one day when I was in rehab I wrote it on a board where we were invited to put up motivational quotes.

Bekindalways

Kudos to you for the 16 days sober. It is indeed a start.

It looks like you have been on SR for some years. Were you in any relationships during this time and if so, how did it go? Also what is making you want to get into a relationship so early in sobriety?

sortofhomecomin

No.

Probably, the fact that I haven't been in one for so long.

Anna

16 days of sobriety is great.

Your comment says I have already breached this 'rule' and intend continuing to do so. How has this worked out? If you're happy with the choice you made, then that's what matters.

biminiblue

Ah, thanks for the clarification.

I mean I understand the desire to be close to someone, I do. You've probably heard, "My picker is broken." How do you feel about this woman who is not sober? Are you willing to live with her drinking? Do you have any fear at all that it might not be good for you and your own sobriety?

Not only was I not stable in early sobriety, but I know the people who were attracted to ME (in AA) in early sobriety were not the kind of people that would have been good for me. They were predatory and needy themselves. I needed to take some time.



I love my signature line. It's true. Salt water IS the cure for anything.

sortofhomecomin

I think on balance not, not over the medium to long term. I think if she doesn't make a genuine plan to get sober again (and currently she doesn't seem to have one) this would be a dealbreaker. Her looks have visibly declined in the four weeks since she restarted (not that I've said this to her of course, but she knows it herself).

sortofhomecomin

So far, yes, but as I say in my reply to Bimini, if she keeps drinking, then it's a different ballgame. She is not drinking 'at' me or 'with' me, we don't live together, but I do desperately want her to get well. I have a lot of affection for this woman. This thread is already being v helpful to me, in terms of teasing out my own thoughts and feelings.

biminiblue

Well one of the hard truths of life is that what you see is what you get when it comes to relationships.

I've learned the very hard way that I have to take someone just as they are, I cannot force them, coerce them or otherwise expect them to change for me.


What is often said over on the Friends & Family side is, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." You met this woman in rehab and she's already drinking again. It will get worse and the resentment(s) between you will grow.

Good luck. Desperation isn't really a plan, and I'm sure it won't go over well.

Anna

I understand how much you want her to get well, but keep in mind that you need to direct your energy to your own recovery. I know, for me, it took everything I had and then some, in order to stay sober in the early days. So, I'm sure you can see the risk involved.

sortofhomecomin

To clarify, I do not hold any resentment against her. None at all. The overwhelming majority of us in the May/June group in the hospital I was treated, including me, relapsed...some, including me, now back on the wagon. This is the reality. Bottom line, I do not give up on people I love easily.

Bekindalways

Early into a relationship, very few have any resentments. The resentments come with time in an unworkable relationship. This relationship could work, although the odds (from the little I know) are not great given you are in early recovery and she may not be committed at all to recovery.

If this woman means so much to you, then nothing wrong with holding off and seeing how you are both doing in a few weeks or months. You could see it as giving something super important the time, space and effort it deserves.