BackandScared

Thank you for sharing all these insights StayingSassy. Many people here complain about being alone in recovery and I always think how much I would have liked that...the grass is always greener and all that.

It is a major upheaval in a relationship when yo stop being the wreck who feels guilty about her own existence. You seem to have gone a long way and to have learnt a lot. I don't normally say it, but your posts are full of wisdom.

Ringside

I am just now beginning to learn about myself and, more importantly, like myself. It took a lot of time and hard work to get to this place. At 16 days, I wouldn't have known what I wanted or what I had to offer someone. That being said, there are different types of relationships. Some aren't designed to be long term, or deep. Some are. I have no blanket objection to forming relationships in early sobriety, though I wouldn't expect much from them. For me, the important thing is to steer clear of any relationship that could jeopardize my sobriety - sobriety had to be and remains the number one priority in my life - and in early sobriety the threats were far more prevalent and dangerous than they are now.

So, given what you've said about this person's situation, and yours, my feedback is that if you continue down this path you will almost certainly be drinking again, sooner than later. Listen to that little voice that urged you to ask for input from the folks on here.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Aellyce

I wasn't in any serious relationship during the first almost two years, and then during a brief period of relapse with a newer partner. I do remember I found it kinda helpful after the relapse, because I had another level of responsibility and motivation. I also found having a ton of work-related responsibilities helpful in early sobriety, which included managing a growing team. Again, having a purpose going beyond just myself every day. Of course, there were many days when these things were more exhausting and I wished them away, but I know they helped me more than hindered my progress. There was an important factor though - most of those people were reasonably healthy, motivated, open-minded folks. I had a few at work who seriously struggled (some with past or current addictions), were very erratic and difficult to do anything with, and that I neither enjoyed nor found constructive to my own recovery. So, IMO, it really depends on the type of company. I think, for some people in early recovery, being with a suffering mate can be an extra motivation to try to save (or at least help) someone else, but is that truly a positive endeavor, I don't know. I think it can sometimes become an avoidance mechanism, distraction from working on the self.

I experienced being in a relationship with another alcoholic, while I was still in the relatively early phase of mine and in gross denial. At the time (and for a few years after), I thought he was the love of my life... and I certainly never experienced anything similar before/after. With some reflection and more sober time though, I saw it in a very different light - the relationship itself was very much an addiction, extreme, eccentric, destructive...and also very limited in terms of healthy needs. I definitely would not want to have anything to do with that ex now, or to get into any similar type of destructive "intimacy". It was extremely hard to break, much like drinking itself later. But I definitely didn't see it as such during, I had to get pretty far from that phase to see it more realistically. I had many relationships before drinking became a problem for me, so experiencing them in recovery was more a relief and pleasure than challenge, but there is definitely a huge contrast between addictive relationships with unhealthy-minded mates and satisfying, more mature ones with good boundaries, with people who can take care of themselves and grow independently as well. I think addiction very effectively breaks down our sense of boundaries, even for those (and I would put myself in this class) who tend to have strong and solid boundaries by default. For me, it took years to recover a balance in that and it's still not as it used to be...although I don't want to be like I was in my youth, because I was very avoidant then. One more reason to hook up with others who are quite secure and solid in that way - neither avoidant nor needy. I always find it important to look at the many layers of why I am drawn to someone really, as it can be very complex and complicated, often rooted on old, long repetitive patterns. For example, I am very aware of one of these patterns in my life and think I understand it inside out now, yet it's so hard to say 'no' to it each time, with each new encounter.