biminiblue

So you've known her for two or three months. You met in rehab. She's drinking again and (apparently) doesn't care that you're trying to be sober yourself...and you think you love her and you're willing to, "not give up easily?"

I'll pray for you both.

sortofhomecomin

"apparently doesn't care that you're trying to be sober yourself"

That is absolutely and completely not the case and I truly don't know how you can glean that from anything I wrote. Yes I have only known her for 3 months but this woman has done a lot for me, more than I can put into words. Was there for me when I relapsed at a time when hardly anyone else was. Are you the type of person who would just turn their back on someone that they love in those circumstances? If so I don't want what you have. To clarify once again, I am not living with her, so it's not as though there is alcohol around tempting me. In fact she deliberately avoids my phone calls and doesn't ring me when she is drinking.

As for your prayers, save the sanctimony for someone else, I don't want or need them.

nez

Hard thing to put a time frame on, but I do know that in early recovery I was just starting to scratch the surface on getting to know who the real Nez was. Would it be fair to another person to offer up the charade and pretense that was Nez at that point? Would it have been a good thing for Nez? Or would it have been a distraction from the process of truly recovering?

I was in recovery for the long haul and so letting go of the reins, impatience, and my "wants" was of paramount importance to this alcoholic. Amazingly...things worked out the way they were supposed to and I got what I "needed".

sortofhomecomin

This is sensible advice.

Dee74

folks..

If someone annoys you use the ignore function in the drop down menu under their name, or simply avoid this thread.
Keep in mind this thread maybe someone reading's first introduction to SR so play nice.

Dee
Administrator
SR

Stayingsassy

I guess I understand why they say not to engage in relationships. You’re rocky in early sobriety, if new paramours drink it’s extremely hard not to drink with them as we are quite enmeshed in that hormonal storm and just being in a new relationship makes us unclear. Drunk on hormones.

but I always bristled at recovery groups saying “don’t get involved.” It always seemed rigid and patronizing to me, because let’s be honest: we are adults with needs and bodies and emotions and relationships HAPPEN. Telling someone not to start one seems parental. Like a “mature person” speaking to a child.

I am married and have been married for years so I was basically in a new relationship when I got sober. Yes, you heard that right. I was married 21 years, but I was in a new relationship. To say my new relationship was rocky is an understatement. I suddenly didn’t understand anything about him or us together, talking was weird, sex was weird, he seemed weird; like who the hell is this guy, and I was all over the place....and then I was questioning his behavior during my drinking time, as a drunk we were very enmeshed and I was very dependent on him then suddenly I wasn’t, when I could finally take charge of my own emotions, my own feelings, my own mind. I’m still not all the way through this. Still married.

anyway, you’re going to do what you’re going to do. You’re an adult. Just know that it places a large complication on your own sobriety, that may be a risk you feel you need to take as you are a grown up and you don’t need mommy and daddy telling you you can’t be with a woman, right?

You can stay sober and love someone who isn’t, but if at any point it’s threatening your own stability, take some time to tune into yourself. Best wishes.

Eddiebuckle

Sortof,

It's a question of priorities. Getting and staying sober is difficult; the nature of addiction defies accurate statistics but I would guess less than 10% of people who ever attempt to get sober actually succeed in staying that way. Starting a romantic relationship with someone who is not sober when you have a couple of weeks yourself is a classic example of putting your wants ahead of your needs. Understanding, accepting, and acting to serve our needs when they fly in the face of what we think we want is one of the hard lessons of sobriety.

Presumably you are pursuing this because you care deeply about her. Given that you are seeking a partner, it's safe to say you don't have a perfect batting average with relationships. Are you willing to bet her life that this time will be different? And what would that say about how you value her needs versus your wants?

Outonthetiles

I proposed seven days into recovery, but my girlfriend/fiance/now wife doesn't drink and never had a problem, so in a sense, she's the one who took a big risk! I guess I'm the exception to the rule. I . . . chose wisely.

LumenandNyx

Hello,

I've never tried to get sober with anyone before. Have you considered approaching your girlfriend and tossing everything out in the open? Ask her if she'd like to get sober with you? You can attend online meetings together, have your own in-person meetings, discuss stuff like the agony of withdrawal vs sobriety and recovery?

I dated someone from inpatient back in the day. We moved in together and both relapsed. I wonder what might have happened if we had worked on our recovery together ... Jeez. If it I had made THAT work, I'd be 14 years sober today!!

Wastinglife

I was sober 10 months a few years ago. Was bored and lonely so went on an internet date and drank with the woman right off the bat.

A few years later, sobered up for 6 months. Exact thing happened again. 1st date with a woman, drank.

By the 2 month mark, both the women figured out I had a drinking problem. I threw away my sobriety for a first date with a stranger....

EndGameNYC

Uh-oh

Sober45

I know a guy who was sober from drugs for 5 years. He was almost Weened off the methadone program. While sober and on methadone he went from Homeless to supervisor. Truly an inspiration.

earlier this year he met a woman and fell in love. She’s an addict and promised she would quit to be with him.

Big mistake. He’s lost a ton of weight and is always shaking now. He disconnected from his friends too.

that is obviously not what you want to hear but it’s the reality of what can happen. I don’t see a problem with relationships in early recovery as long as they are ones that build you up.

who knows, maybe your situation will be different.

Aellyce

I personally would never get involved closely with someone relatively new, who's currently in active addiction and I knew about it. No matter how much sober time I have myself. It's not even out of fear and self-preservation so much, more just because active addiction would be a huge turnoff for me for any intimate relationship... even for an involved, close friendship. There would be major clashes in values and lifestyle choices, making the whole thing incompatible, no matter what other attractions exist. I would ask myself what the benefit is for you... there are so many people in the world, and why to rush at any age? Would any satisfaction coming from a superficial, rushed choice at a younger age override the potential benefits of a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship that usually takes some time, patience and a healthier mindset to develop? To me, it sounds more like yet another desire for instant gratification that is unlikely to last and be truly satisfying.

Stayingsassy

I don’t think it sounds like instant gratification: he said he’s known her three months and loves her. Sounds to me like this is already a relationship.

it’s not necessarily going to help his sobriety in the least, but it seems the relationship is already there.

Aellyce

I think that depends on personal preferences, perspective, and what "love" means to someone - mine would be different. It is certainly subjective and OP needs to evaluate what's important and at what costs. Can't speak for anyone else, but I know I had some ideas freshly sober that I met some great people and felt so motivated to engage with them... all those perceptions and incentives changed dramatically later and I am just happy they never became anything serious. I did tell more than one people "see you when you're sober". I know that sometimes it's still tricky even years sober... so easy to get hooked on something/someone momentarily interesting, and that intensity (internal and interpersonal) is easy to mistake for something deeper, in a romantic sense. I know it can be hard to see clearly "under the influence" of both a drug and all the various states we describe as love.

sortofhomecomin

I feel that she is building me up, that's the strange thing. Incidentally she is back on the wagon but only three days. Only three weeks myself so I'm not one to talk.

sortofhomecomin

I'm in AA, she is resistant to AA and similar fellowships. I did a few AA and Lifering meetings with her while in rehab (meaning we both checked into and shared at the same online meetings) but she didn't keep them up.

Yes we do this. Actually those one-to-one, or small group (2 to 3 people) chats with others in early recovery, regardless of any romantic attachments, I find very useful. From my perspective it is difficult for someone in early recovery, with the best will in the world, to fully identify with a long term sober AA'r (and vice versa).

shortstop81

I started a new relationship while still struggling with the last gasps of my addiction, desperately trying to stay sober. It definitely wasn't an ideal time, and the other person fairly early on saw me at my worst. Needless to say, we're married now and lead a sober lifestyle. What helped was that she was not an addict, and and for my sake cut out all alcohol in order to support me in my recovery.

I count myself as lucky, as I don't think my situation is typical.

BackandScared

I loved this message. Made me think a lot too, about my first few months and how my view on my husband has changed and is still changing.

The 'talking was weird, sex was weird, he seemed weird' totally resonates with me. I never blamed my husband about my drinking, except when I quit. It was not a trick of my AV to make me drink again. It was not my brain telling me to drink since he was such a horrible person. It was more the realisation (or the believe that I was finally realising) that a big reason to drink was to avoid looking into my relationship. He never noticed I was drunk every night until I told him there was a massive problem (I would have sworn he knew but was trying to avoid the conflict). He was a perfect stranger with whom everybody else would have said I had a perfect marriage.

I don't know if it is true, because I have not tested it, but I thought many times that going through sobriety alone, at least the first 3 or 4 months, would have been much easier. I could not navigate my own feelings and was really struggling to control those that were new towards my husband. So I guess it makes sense not to embark in a relationship at the start, if we always did what was best for us. Which is typical of newly in love and alcoholic behaviour (irony on)

Stayingsassy

YES. I can’t even imagine how clean it would feel to get sober on your own, with no one else to worry about or look out for. I hope you’ve been able to sort through all the relationship junk, throwing out the useless parts, figuring out what’s good about it or at least what you can, or think you can, live with. Being married + drinking for so many years means a lot of work when you quit. And sometimes? When I just didn’t talk to him for long periods after getting sober... I was just exhausted with having to think about it. Because drinking Was a way to not think, and I took that away as an option. Like; dude: I’m going through a lot of years here, forgive me if I don’t feel like a sexy temptress for your personal bidding.

I actually have a ton of resentments toward him from my drinking time, which is ludicrous. Because I scared the crap out of him on the reg, seduced him so that he’d buy me more booze on nights I was clearly trashed and couldn’t drive, relied on him to babysit me at social events, was generally a weepy emotional chaotic mess when I wasn’t at work or with my kids, I taxed him big time. But that man was on a power trip. That’s all I’m going to say. When I was a dependent drunk he was in total control.

When I got sober I spent so much time boundary-setting with the husband, dealing with rage at my mom (which bewildered my poor dad), trying to repair trust with my kids, trying to clean up the sloppy consequences at work, that I didn’t have any ME rehabilitation at all. I am still working on it. I am nowhere near done.

I literally CANNOT IMAGINE the luxury of being able to focus just on yourself when you quit. And I think it’s often taken for granted.

I don’t know how in the hell I even stayed sober for 3 years, probably mostly because I was in a terrible black ******** when I quit and i just don’t have a shred of denial left about the garbage life booze hands me on a platter. Not then, not now.