thomas11

If you've relapsed after extended sobriety, I am wondering how much time you spend on reflecting on your relapse? I am constantly taking personal inventory and reflecting on my successes and failures. I don't know if I should move on and never look back, or if I need to "study" a little bit regarding my behavior.


fyi: I relapsed after an extended period of sobriety, and I've been sober again now for about 2 months, feeling as strong as ever.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

I've been drunk on and off for decades. I finally got sober again this past March. Before climbing back on the wagon this time, I was sober for 20 months. That was about four and a half years ago. I don't waste time thinking about my past. My past is a part of me and I carry it with me every where I go.

Every thing I need to stay sober and in recovery today is in front of me - I'm using them to type this.

I don't drink any more. That's all there is to it. I refuse to overcomplicate this.

least

Back in '07, after being sober for 20 yrs, I started drinking again. I was finally able to get sober again a couple years later. I think about that often. I don't live in the past, but I keep memories of it close so I won't make that mistake again.

Wastinglife

My drinking binges usually last for 1-2 weeks of around the clock drinking. Then 3-4 days detoxing. When I am fully recovered, I really have no clue what I was up to on what day . Just that I spent a lot of money. Snippets of memories that I can't distinguish from a dream or reality. I often have to rewatch entire movies before I realize I had seen it before sometime.

For this reason, when I look back to take inventory, I don't really have much to go on. Just a jumble of vague pictures in my head that could have happened. I never know.

Obladi

I don't need to ruminate on my last relapse. Once I dried out, it was clear to me what had happened, why I'd spontaneously found myself drinking again. Understanding what happened led me to some conclusions about what needed to be done to prevent that spontaneous event from ever occurring again. There are habits of self care and connection that I need to maintain every single day. There are some things I've figuratively boxed up, sealed with duct tape, and put on the top shelf in the back of the closet. I've decided to deal with those things some day long down the road when I feel rock solid sober. Bottom line, is there's not much more to think about in regard to that last relapse, but there's a whole lot to learn about living life sober - and being ok with that.

O

puzzle

I have been sober for periods up to a year. My binges last weeks and create much chaos. One would think that remembering that chaos would be enough. It wasn't for me. I am now only 21 days sober. For me, after this last one, I made a point of reflecting to increase my awareness of the "red flags" that did appear before I even thought about drinking, (making excuses to stop going for walks, talking to people, more irritable etc). I do not dwell on it, instead I feel grateful for having learned that I need be consistent about recovery activities (walking, meditation, counselling, SR, etc) and when I make excuses to myself not to do them I know that I will need to reach out because the dangerous path will have begun.

Dee74

You’ve got to get the mix right. Too much beating yourself up can get too self indulgent, not enough thought into what happened and why could be foolhardy.

If you know why you drank and you have systems in place to avoid that again, I think the best thing to do is learn the lessons, and move on

D

saoutchik

I'm not sure if I am qualified to post as I did not have much in the way of "extended sobriety" to relapse from but I did reflect on the relapses from my modest spells of sobriety and understood that I needed to DO SOMETHING other than just quitting using willpower because the strength of my addiction meant that was never going to be enough.

Dee's point about striking a balance makes sense to me. These things have to be confronted but you also have to move on.

When I was trying (and failing) to quit I used to feel deep self loathing at not being able to overcome my addiction to something as stupid as booze. Now, at 5 yrs plus sober I don't feel that self loathing anymore as I realise that addiction is a medical condition and not a moral failing but I am still angry at myself even after all this time for ignoring the warning signs and allowing myself to become addicted in the first place - I probably always will be.

Stronger2017

I romanticized the drink for a couple of months before my relapse and when the time came that I would have the opportunity to drink I did. I do think about that sometimes but I know I’m more comfortable with my sobriety now so it doesn’t bother me too much as I don’t think I’ll make the same mistake again.

One thing I did notice was I’d get a bit overwhelmed about getting back to my previous “sober record”. That was wrong headed. I’ve gained a lot from learning how to take things a day at a time.

I’m really happy you’re getting sober again, Thomas. Seeing you get back up and engage with SR on your journey is a tremendous thing🙂

Delilah1

I definitely do not take a single sober day for granted. I am getting closer to the five year mark, and I’m really proud of that. I can’t imagine drinking again, but I also stay active in my recovery. I sometimes think back and wish I’d stayed sober one of the many previous times if quit, but I don’t allow myself to dwell there for long.

I do think it’s important to know what your triggers have been in the past and be proactive to avoid repeating what led to relapse, especially early on.

Steely

I reflect only enough to KNOW that I never want to drink again. Last relapses were pretty hairy. 😬

Stayingsassy

This is my only period of extended sobriety other than pregnancy, so I haven’t relapsed after extended sobriety ever. (I don’t count pregnancy because I only stopped for the babies.)

I’ll say that at my last drinking bender,I did have a sort of “aha” moment. Like suddenly I realized it was Groundhog Day and I was doing the same thing over and over and over. The many, many, many times I tried and failed suddenly all became clear at once. That, I realize is a gift I was given, and not everyone has a moment like that. And you don’t necessarily have to have that crystal clear realization to work your final quit.

EndGameNYC

How about placing your focus on staying sober?

Analyze past setbacks later on if you want to. They aren't going anywhere.

Reid82

No point in dwelling on the past, it's done, it's over. I beat myself over my previous relapses years ago- it did nothing for me. What counts is that your sober today and to
simply learn from the past, not to dwell on it.

Hawkeye13

I do reflect on what happened in terms of making a better plan accounting for what I learned were weaknesses in my sobriety “armor” but I have not found it helpful to wallow in guilt or remorse for too long as it is triggering in itself for me.

Instead, I feel gratitude I got some sober time and get to start again. I also have worked hard to transform self-loathing and guilt about drinking into kindness towards myself and appreciation for my own resiliency in not giving up on sobriety ever.

thomas11

I have spent a little time reflecting on my relapse and I know full well that it was due to the lockdown etc...I live in the same city as George Floyd and the sh*tstorm that started. I genuinely care about humanity and all these factors bothered me and I wanted to escape, and I did.

Now, my entire world has changed (again) and I don't know that I have any wiggle room for a drink or drinking. The day and half per week I have off are spent recuperating. Some naps and plenty of food. Before I know it, its strapping up the steel toed boots and back to work. I don't like it, but its ok.

Dee74

I think this is the heart of the reason Jeff - not the outside things like COVID and riots - but our response to those things.

Keeping busy is good but one day you're gonna want to escape again.
Have a plan for when that happens, man. Start now.

D

Obladi

Jeff, I say this with great compassion: it wasn't the COVID or the lockdown or the riots or the state of politics today or the color of your underwear or whether you were working out or not working out. I used to think it was all external stuff that was causing me to drink, too. I had extremely plausible reasons and that went over ok with a certain set of people who like to say it's "people, places and things." But that was rot and I even knew it at the time. The person was me, the place was my home and the things were containers of alcohol.

Same as you, I wanted to escape. It was easy to think it was external things that caused me to want to escape. But really? It was me that wanted to escape from my feelings and reactions to those things. I simply Could Not Stand It. There was no option but to drink. Here's the thing - I didn't know that. I knew it was something, but I had so much distance from my feelings that I didn't know what my problem was. I mean, I kinda knew, but I thought that was just baby stuff and I needed to get over myself.

So now you're a workaholic, keeping busy alllllll the time. Me too. And it worries me some that I'm working 50-60 hours/week, but it's working for me so far. So I sure am not discouraging that. Here's the thing, though - the working is filling time and feeding my pride in my self because I'm damned good at it. But if I wasn't also recognizing and working on healing, if I wasn't actively and directly addressing my stuff that made alcohol a requirement, that wouldn't matter. I would eventually get the f-its and drink again. It's a pattern with me. One that needs daily attention and work.

It worries me that you've latched onto work as the solution to all that ails you. It's just not that easy - at least it wasn't for me. I know I'm telling you the same thing over and over again, but I care about you and really want you to have lasting sobriety. I don't know you, not really, but I recognize myself in you. Those old hurts will come for you again unless you put in the work to effectively heal or at least neutralize them. This is the time to do that work - when you're feeling on solid ground and everything is going alright.

Take it for what it's worth. Or reject it altogether. But this isn't just my opinion - it's my lived experience. If I could wrap it up in a package and deliver it to your door, I'd do that today. Seriously.

xo
O

Aellyce

It sounds a bit like you have a tendency for a limbo between some quite extreme states and outlooks, Jeff... also that you implicate a lot of external things in your relapses/sobriety that do not truly have a relevance. Maybe look more at your internal responses to those things, to discover why and how they can affect you in that way?

I relapsed for a relatively short period (less than 3 months) after 2 years of sobriety. I felt very desperate before I could stop and stay sober again long enough to trust myself, but didn't spend my time beating myself up or doubting I could do it again. I found it helpful to look at my relapse in depth immediately after it happened, to understand what led to it, and I still think about this every now and then, especially when I recognize I in at a similar mental condition or life situation. I think moving on does not mean we should block out or ignore risky experiences and mindsets and think they cannot potentially happen again, it's more reacting to them differently. I'm also really not a past-focus person, also been the kind to dwell too much on past things or cultivate guilt/shame and resentments. I do like to use past experiences to recognize long-term patterns though and think it can be good to remain objectively aware of what and how things happened over time. That's all.

I personally don't make inventories or amends to people based on past stuff, other than trying to live my life in a more constructive way, with better morals and strategies, and engage with others in better ways, in the present and future. I am very introspective in general, but believe a good life and decent engagements with the world should be done in the present regardless of what happened in the past, and should not be driven by motivations, such as guilt, to fix things primarily. We cannot create good long-term strategies only living in the moment and without seeing long-term patterns though, so a factual type of look at the past is inevitable and necessary IMO. I am also usually more than willing to discuss my story with others, when I see fit. It does not mean an emotional engagement and feeling badly, the idea is learning from the past.

thomas11

I greatly appreciate the input and different perspective you guys provide. I have to say I agree with those of you that say it wasn't the lockdown it was how I reacted to it. So true. And that's true of all of our decisions correct? Its not the event its how we react to it.

As far as work goes, I might be overselling it a little. Its simply a full time job that is a little physical. I work with a couple guys that have been doing it for over 20 years and they are getting along just fine. So I can too. Its just that I have done little in 4 years and now working full time was a bit of a change to adjust to. But I AM adjusting, and its getting easier.