Hate Myself
 

Did 2 weeks and then was once again over worked. Ended up on a 3 day binge which ended 50+ ago. Extreme anxiety and cold sweating etc (likely anxiety)
Took a couple of diazepam to calm me down and sleep tonight.
Idiot idiot idiot.

I just get so worked up and anxious when tired which leads to me drinking and then horrendous anxiety after. Normally more myself at 72 hour mark but any words even a good telling off for the dam failure I am.

when im doing good I neglect the warning signs that my body is tired.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, lol. That's what I used to tell myself. Are you using the pure willpower method to quit? That never worked for me. I use AA now. I'm doing better. Good luck. Drink some water. Take a walk. Forgive yourself. Challenge yourself to do at least one thing daily to help your sobriety. Not lazy crap you're used to doing. Something new. Maybe meditate. Read a book. Talk to someone else that has recovered. Or my favorite go to an AA meeting online. Good luck Beav!

I know i just get so anxious I'm gonna die of a seizure I'm in tears.

Don't hate yourself. Hate your behavior. Change your behavior. Love yourself. At your core, you are a good person.

Hey there, also anxious here and get what you are saying 100%. Have you discussed your anxiety with your doc? I take a regular med and it has helped tremendously with baseline anxiety. For years, alcohol was a "med" I took for it and we all know how that works out.

And you're definitely not a failure...anxiety is a real thing and you are trying to reduce that, but also recognize alcohol isn't the answer. Give yourself a big pat on the back that you are realizing your situation and just need to continue to make progress on when your weakness for drinking in order to intercept it Many folks never get to this point.

Hang in there! :)

Beav - It took me too long to admit it was never going to make me feel better - or help any situation. It was my go to relief & escape - but it worked against me every single time. Led me into danger, created chaos - never fun or relaxing. Hoping you won't put yourself through that again. We know you can rise above this miserable time.

Hey Beav
I'm sorry you drank again - I know the despair and the shame and the fear associated with that.
Try and remember you've stopped before.

You can stop - you just need to work on staying stopped now :)

If your life is built around working yourself into the ground so much you need to knock yourself out with booze, thats got to change. Balance is needed.

I think you might need to make more use of support too - posting here after a bender is good, but not as good as posting before.

Maybe, like BABM suggested, something like AA or another meeting based method could help too?

You can do this Beav :)

D

Thing is when im good and "on the up" I preform really well and really try and own the day and I push myself to be the best man I can be. I then get really tired but try to push on because I'm "doing well". Then I drink and come crashing down.

My therapist says that when I'm doing well I need to not forget about the vunerable anxious part of me as it always comes back...and it really does.

Don't hate yourself, Beav. Just get back on the wagon and stay there.

I am. Make sure I sleep well. No more diazepam unless I'm desperate. No more booze. And remeber beav....tiredness is a weakness for me

Yeah, I need to keep balance all the time - even when I'm firing on all cylinders.

D

When I was drinking, I always hated myself. :( Woke up hating myself and passed out hating myself. :(

Now that I'm sober, I don't hate myself anymore. It took a while for the depression to lift, but eventually it did, with the help of my antidepressant meds.

Start again and this time, make it a priority to post here BEFORE you drink. Post here instead and we'll try to talk you out of it. :)

I know this feeling all too well. I hope you can calm down soon and get a bit of rest. I hate the symptoms of withdrawal but the anxiety is the absolute worst!

Thanks all so much for the kind words. I didnt die in my sleep and now 64 hours since my last drink. Just going to take good care of myself and I'm NOT drinking today.

Good work on the 64 hours Beav. It is entirely in your hands now!

I believe that the brain-science suggests that when we are drinking our capacity for making decisions gets much, much worse. In one way, when we drink, we are simply incapable of making sensible, coherent, healthy decisions. This was certainly true for me.

The only way out of this, the way to let your brain repair and enable yourself to make good choices again - is not to drink at all. Let the brain recover, let the dopamine receptors start firing, let new pathways be created. That means all of us need to find a way through today without having a drink, to let our brains and nature do their job

Its quite exciting really :)

Thanks so much for the Kind words. I agree. Few good nights sleep and no drink and will start to feel better!

Hi Beav. Looks like you learned some lessons with this relapse which is really awesome and now you are one step closer to a sober life. If this were easy we wouldn't be here.

Make sure you stay hydrated.

Wishing you a peaceful, relaxing day:)

~~~~~

Idiot replying ! I just chucked 70 odd days down the drain so happy to join the idiot gang 😄

pretty much hate myself right now for being so weak , but you know what ..@@@@ it ! I didn’t sign up when I was born for this and I’m gonna fight it ..it can keep kicking me but I am kicking right back ..you can do this as well

Beav, I hated myself when I was drinking, too. It's what drinking does to us, and it helps to keep us hooked. Try to brush yourself off, focus on the positives in your life, and move forward. This doesn't have to happen again and you can make sure it doesn't.

Good sleep is a good start Beav. I'm glad you're doing better now.

I'd suggest that you really pay attention to anything that induces even a slight amount of emotional discomfort. Figure out what that's about. Figure out how that sort of thing came to be so bothersome for you. Decide that you can handle whatever that is as a grown competent person - because you can. Decide today, right now, that you will never again use alcohol to avoid that emotional discomfort. It sucks for awhile. It's hard work to sit through that crap and just let it be whatever it is. But the rewards are worth it.

rainy, I'm sorry to hear you drank again and am glad you're back here with us. You are not an idiot and you are not weak. You are addicted. You know how to never let that addiction get you again. Good to see you fighting.

I couldn't stand hating myself when I was drinking. There is away out, and you already know what it is. I'm much happier liking myself and feeling - dare I say - proud of myself? Pride is a sin? It sure doesn't feel like it in this case.

Hows it going Beav?

D

I'm stopping by to check on Beav too. :)

Hey All,

thanks so much for the nice messages. Happy to say I'm doing well at just over 6 days 5 hours!.

Feeling waaay better than I was and sleeping lots and getting myself back on track. Hope you are all well also.

Beav

good to hear Beav

D

The concept of quitting alcoholism is theory is the easiest thing is the world. You get better in a matter of hours, it get even better in days, week and months. It's the best drug ever.

I still read the threads from the long-term quitters and their zero-desire to drink and I wanna get their yet there's the AV that doesn't wanna reach the promise land. "The AV is always wrong" to quote Dee. He knows the script.

The nature of the AV is to "not want to quit" the whole point of existence of the AV is to get drink into you to feed the drive for alcohol that has been created in the brain. This drive can't be totally removed once it has been created, so therefore neither can the AV.
The trick I use is to separate my higher cognitive functions from the desire to drink and recognize it's gofer the AV as excuses to drink, because there are no reasons to, alcohol solves nothing.
I do not want this thing as part of me, it was destroying me. So I isolate it and freeze it out of who I want to be.
So it doesn't matter whether the desire to drink is there or not or if the AV is suggesting drink as a "solution" for anything or not, just don't act upon it and you won't drink.

*my mistake, there is ONE reason to drink, to feel the pleasure the drug induces in the brains reward system or to chase that pleasure once it has passed.