Hiding It
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Hiding It
Just thought I'd post this here as well as my blog because I'm wondering if anyone's AV is as obvious as mine?
I used to have a key to my son and DIL house. But when I'd been drinking and ran out of booze I would go into their house when they weren't in and drink their booze (they always had loads). Actually I did this if I was alone with anyone's booze.
So then I had to hand over my key to their house.
Or if I was waiting in for a parcel or repair man, I would sometimes drink it just because it was there.
Or I would drink it to "perk me up" when I was starting to come down from a bender.
So then they started locking it in a cupboard and hiding the key "just incase"
The last few weeks I have been over, I have never even thought about this booze cupboard. But when I was in yesterday (waiting for a delivery, absolute Amazon junkies the two of them) I noticed the key had been left in the booze cupboard door.
My Beast, lit up like a xmas tree! My AV shouted " Whoa look at that" Then "Ha, well if I did drink some of their booze it would serve them right for locking it up and not trusting me" The absolute absurdity of that AV thought made me laugh out loud and the feeling passed. I replaced that AV thought quickly with "No, I should be grateful they even include me in their lives, the amount of booze I have stolen from them and trust I have violated, over and over
I see now my AV is some sort of illogical sociopath it definitely has no empathy or understanding for other people. Cannot be allowed to make any decisions on anything!
I used to have a key to my son and DIL house. But when I'd been drinking and ran out of booze I would go into their house when they weren't in and drink their booze (they always had loads). Actually I did this if I was alone with anyone's booze.
So then I had to hand over my key to their house.
Or if I was waiting in for a parcel or repair man, I would sometimes drink it just because it was there.
Or I would drink it to "perk me up" when I was starting to come down from a bender.
So then they started locking it in a cupboard and hiding the key "just incase"
The last few weeks I have been over, I have never even thought about this booze cupboard. But when I was in yesterday (waiting for a delivery, absolute Amazon junkies the two of them) I noticed the key had been left in the booze cupboard door.
My Beast, lit up like a xmas tree! My AV shouted " Whoa look at that" Then "Ha, well if I did drink some of their booze it would serve them right for locking it up and not trusting me" The absolute absurdity of that AV thought made me laugh out loud and the feeling passed. I replaced that AV thought quickly with "No, I should be grateful they even include me in their lives, the amount of booze I have stolen from them and trust I have violated, over and over
I see now my AV is some sort of illogical sociopath it definitely has no empathy or understanding for other people. Cannot be allowed to make any decisions on anything!
That made me laugh too!
I see now my AV is some sort of illogical sociopath it definitely has no empathy or understanding for other people. Cannot be allowed to make any decisions on anything!
I love the way you put this - I think I am going to write it on my chalk board
I see now my AV is some sort of illogical sociopath it definitely has no empathy or understanding for other people. Cannot be allowed to make any decisions on anything!
I love the way you put this - I think I am going to write it on my chalk board
Addiction has no scruples or boundaries.
Mine seems to think it is a free pass if I am gifted alcohol. And people are so pleased with themselves as they hand you the bottle, thanking you for this that or the other. Little do they know the inner battle they create.
Always be on guard. The AV is a insidiously sneaky beast.
Mine seems to think it is a free pass if I am gifted alcohol. And people are so pleased with themselves as they hand you the bottle, thanking you for this that or the other. Little do they know the inner battle they create.
Always be on guard. The AV is a insidiously sneaky beast.
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If you actually ignore that the brain is all lit up with the thoughts of booze that could be had, and just listen to the AV it sometimes says some ridiculous things. Like, "you haven't drank for a while, well done you, have a drink"
"Just have a couple to take the edge off, I know it usually ends in days long benders, it won't this time because you can stop after a couple this time just have some self control"
And like you say Kaily "You were given this as a gift, it wasn't your decision to actually go out and buy it, you may as well drink it now it's here..rude not to"
It's the drive behind the AV (that drive is the Beast to me) that gives the powerful compulsion to drink that I found hard to ignore. When it works in good conjunction with the AV that is quite a powerful combination. But stoppable.
It, the compulsion, just dissolved into nothing yesterday, luckily, after I didn't act on it or indulge the AV.
"Just have a couple to take the edge off, I know it usually ends in days long benders, it won't this time because you can stop after a couple this time just have some self control"
And like you say Kaily "You were given this as a gift, it wasn't your decision to actually go out and buy it, you may as well drink it now it's here..rude not to"
It's the drive behind the AV (that drive is the Beast to me) that gives the powerful compulsion to drink that I found hard to ignore. When it works in good conjunction with the AV that is quite a powerful combination. But stoppable.
It, the compulsion, just dissolved into nothing yesterday, luckily, after I didn't act on it or indulge the AV.
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What? I'm not hiding my drinking! haha I'm talking about yesterday when I found my sons drinks cupboard open. You haven't read it right. Yeah I am doing ok thanks, been 28 days now and that's the only time the AV has piped up.
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Thanks Sober, I was quite proud that I saw the ridiculousness of the AVs "reasoning" and that I don't buy into it now that I am not looking for an excuse to throw drink down my neck. There's hope for me becoming a decent human bean yet!
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This is the most persistent and ridiculous way the stupid SOAB pops into my head:
'You are feeling great because you are not drinking. You feel so good you might as well have a drink'
It is clearly utterly insane. I am sure my drinking was a type of insanity and I am slowly recovering from it, but the dregs of it still cling to me. But less and less on a daily basis.
I am gradually knocking the stuffing out of my insanity one day at a time
'You are feeling great because you are not drinking. You feel so good you might as well have a drink'
It is clearly utterly insane. I am sure my drinking was a type of insanity and I am slowly recovering from it, but the dregs of it still cling to me. But less and less on a daily basis.
I am gradually knocking the stuffing out of my insanity one day at a time
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Good for you Be! <<<you knocking the stuffing out of your insanity
It's definitely not normal to think the way we did about drink.
I say "we" because I've had thought that before! "I feel wonderful and healthy and energetic and happy because I've not been killing myself with the drink..all I need to feel even better, is a drink!"
It's definitely not normal to think the way we did about drink.
I say "we" because I've had thought that before! "I feel wonderful and healthy and energetic and happy because I've not been killing myself with the drink..all I need to feel even better, is a drink!"
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I was living in a shared apartment with roommates for a while during my alcoholism. The landlady also stayed there periodically and had a large wine cupboard, unlocked. I could not help and preyed on her wine every now and then, not because I could not afford to buy mine, but often because I was lazy or already too drunk/hungover to go out. Don't know what I was thinking - there were many bottles there, but not so many that she would not notice them disappearing. I did try to replace the bottles, but often with a delay and, of course, most of the time I could not buy exactly the same kind of wine. Again, WTF was I thinking?! Of course she figured it out and confronted me one day (after quite a few months), in a very decent and respectful manner. I was sober (one of my sober days here and there) when that happened. I rarely felt so ashamed in my life... she even said it wasn't not because of the wine but she was worried about me, didn't want anything bad to happen to me, and that she knew it wasn't my character, but I needed help. It was horrible to hear but I was so impressed, not sure I would have handled it with such empathy if I were in her place. I bought a few bottles of fine wine for her to try to compensate and never stole again from then on. Of course it wasn't enough to make me stop drinking - I mostly just became more resourceful to hide it. This post reminded me of this awful memory.
I really like the "illogical sociopath" description of the AV. I can easily apply it to some other behaviors of mine as well that were similarly obsessive and inappropriate... if it doesn't get alcohol, will look for it elsewhere. It is absolutely its character. Not a very easy endeavor to eradicate all of it even in long-term sobriety!
I really like the "illogical sociopath" description of the AV. I can easily apply it to some other behaviors of mine as well that were similarly obsessive and inappropriate... if it doesn't get alcohol, will look for it elsewhere. It is absolutely its character. Not a very easy endeavor to eradicate all of it even in long-term sobriety!
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Hi Aeyllyce . Oh yeah, that not being able to get the same sort of wine you mentioned, I once drank an expensive, special edition bottle of my sons whisky (don't even like whisky) couldn't track it down anywhere to replace, even if I had I doubt I could have afforded it. And a bottle of grey goose vodka that was flippin £40 to replace!
He once calculated I had drank over £400 worth of his drink (that's just what he knew of, when I could I would buy and replace what I had drank and he was none the wiser). Yet I would have been outraged if anyone had called me a thief, but I was!
I have had a couple of weeks obsessive type thoughts and behaviour this time and last time (last month) that I stopped drinking. But since refusing to indulge in that type of thinking anymore those thoughts don't really come into the picture anymore.
The hyperness went too after a couple of weeks once I started to sleep better.
I think I may turn out quite well balanced in the end as long as I stay off the drink. Be the first time in my life haha
He once calculated I had drank over £400 worth of his drink (that's just what he knew of, when I could I would buy and replace what I had drank and he was none the wiser). Yet I would have been outraged if anyone had called me a thief, but I was!
I have had a couple of weeks obsessive type thoughts and behaviour this time and last time (last month) that I stopped drinking. But since refusing to indulge in that type of thinking anymore those thoughts don't really come into the picture anymore.
The hyperness went too after a couple of weeks once I started to sleep better.
I think I may turn out quite well balanced in the end as long as I stay off the drink. Be the first time in my life haha
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BUT...I know in AVRT the moral question is; If you know what drinking turns you into, then you cannot blame all of the bad behaviour on the drink, because you are acting badly in the first place by taking that drink.
Going against your own moral values, is a choice you make when you lift the drink to your lips.
Hard pill to swallow, but true for me.
Going against your own moral values, is a choice you make when you lift the drink to your lips.
Hard pill to swallow, but true for me.
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BUT...I know in AVRT the moral question is; If you know what drinking turns you into, then you cannot blame all of the bad behaviour on the drink, because you are acting badly in the first place by taking that drink.
Going against your own moral values, is a choice you make before you even lift the drink to your lips.
Hard pill to swallow, but true for me.
Going against your own moral values, is a choice you make before you even lift the drink to your lips.
Hard pill to swallow, but true for me.
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But it doesn't shift blame. It makes it perfectly clear if you read TNC that anything that happens after you decide to start drinking is your responsibility, because it was your choice to drink in the first place.
It does not shift the blame for anything onto the AV. It teaches you how to Recognise and Dissociate yourself (who no longer wants to drink alcohol) from the Beast (the physiological and psychological impulse to catch a buzz) and the excuses you make to yourself (the AV) that allow you to act upon those impulses with impunity, because you have "good reason" to drink..
A lot of people who judge AVRT have not even read The New Cure and only pick up bits and pieces here and there from other people.
AVRT pulls no punches a lot of people find it too harsh to deal with. Just depends on the person
It does not shift the blame for anything onto the AV. It teaches you how to Recognise and Dissociate yourself (who no longer wants to drink alcohol) from the Beast (the physiological and psychological impulse to catch a buzz) and the excuses you make to yourself (the AV) that allow you to act upon those impulses with impunity, because you have "good reason" to drink..
A lot of people who judge AVRT have not even read The New Cure and only pick up bits and pieces here and there from other people.
AVRT pulls no punches a lot of people find it too harsh to deal with. Just depends on the person
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