adair

I have been checking in on SR on and off since 2012 as a guest and have gone through more attempts to stop drinking than I can count. The fact that I am back on Day 1 shows that I still have some work to do. Over the years, my awareness of this progressive disease has grown and I am finally beginning to truly realize the effort required to defeat this enemy. I can't keep carrying on as I've always done and expect the outcome to be any different.

During my last go at sobriety I only made it 41 days and had no plan to drink until one night about an hour after falling asleep I woke up to the command of 'Drink' bubbling up from somewhere in my subconscious - the crafty AV didn't even have to make much of an argument for me to agree. The next day at the first opportunity, I was off to the store to buy a six pack. The first day I only had 3 beers, thinking I could just enjoy a little 'floaty' time to disconnect from the troubles and strife afflicting the world. By the second day I was blackout drunk. So it goes - I don't know why I ever expect the outcome to be any different.

I need a higher purpose in my life, something that gives me meaning, something that I can immerse myself in while I create distance from and ultimately disempower the AV so I do not mindlessly execute its commands without question. Currently, I am a slave to internal voices/impulses that do not have my best interests at heart. I need to learn how to become master of my own self.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Adair. I am glad that you have found us and, most especially, that you want to achieve sobriety.

As you have been lurking for some time on SR, you likely have seen the monthly support Classes that are a part of this forum. Joining the Class of August, 2020 could be very beneficial.

Here is the link:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-1-a.html (Class of August 2020 Part 1)

You may want to make a daily commitment sobriety in the practice of ‘one day at a time’ on the 24 Hour thread:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-497-a.html (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 497)



I have found living in sobriety and recovery an exponentially better way to life. I believe that you will, also.

Give it all you have.

ImNotThatGuy

Hi adair. Just wanted you to know that I'm in the same boat.

Gabe1980

The important thing is you are back on day 1.....that is awesome. Just try to build on that and figure out ways to deal with that AV,

Anna

Hi Adair, I'm glad you posted.

Learning to recognize and dismiss the AV is so important to recovery. You can do this.

LumenandNyx

Hi there,

It never ceases to amaze me how many paths there are to combat alcoholism. There are groups, mantras, God, avoidance, self-talk, programs, rehabs, therapy, medication, and yada yada.

I tired all of those things and didn't find any of them helpful. Some people do, but I didn't. Finally, things got so bad that I was crawling to the bathroom and puking over the side of my bed. I said to myself - "This is F***** UP. Life has GOT to offer more than this. It HAS to be better than this." So, I quit. I just refused to drink any more alcohol and the first week was awful. But I got through it. I was determined to get through it. If I had to crawl to reach that finish line, that's what I was going to do.

I think it's interesting when I hear or read that people want to win the battle against alcohol. I gave up the freakin' battle and let alcohol win. Screw it!

Wait - or did it win - because I'm still sitting right here....

boreas

I recently responded to another post addressing the idea of purpose. A bit of a theme, and certainly something I needed to put some thought into.

IMO, mastering the self is purpose. I view my efforts at self-improvement as the most important work I do every day. Sobriety is a part of that. I’m a work in progress, and that will continue the rest of my life.

I was a sloppy, self-indulgent drunk. That self-indulgence was disgusting to me, and killed my pride. Dignity gone, I was incapable of helping myself or anyone else. I had to fix that first, before I had much to offer. My efforts at self improvement make me a better parent, employee, friend, and so help those within my orbit.

It was so important for me to understand that my flaws weren’t just limited to too much booze. I had to put time and effort into understanding what allowed me to sink into that state. Now, just when I feel ready to branch out in life, circumstances dictate that it can’t happen yet. That means I have to continue on my current path until I can broaden out and embrace new purposes. But no matter what opportunities may or may not come along, I have a foundation within myself upon which my sobriety and wellness is built.

-bora

adair

Yes - I increasingly feel that I've lost track of the person I was supposed to be/am capable of becoming. Alcohol has played a huge part in that and is currently my most immediate issue, but there are some deeply set foundational issues I've never truly dealt with that caused me to drink to excess in the first place.

There is a dawning realization that the only feasible way out of this drinking problem, the only way that will ultimately stick without an eventual relapse - whether it's one month, 6 months or three years down the road - is to do the hard work of getting closer to my authentic self. To master self, I first need to deconstruct all the habits/thought processes/conditioned responses I've picked up over the years and loosely consider as 'me' but are actually just clutter. Because of the years of drinking, I've lost sight of who 'I' actually am. There are hints and glimmers that give me a trail to follow, but it will be a significant amount of work. I have grown lazy, thanks in no small part to the drinking, but there is a path to sobriety before me, but it's no easy path to follow.

People are incredible creatures capable of great flexibility and change. They can also be very stubborn and easily get stuck into ruts. I've been down in this particular rut for far too long. It's time to get brutally honest with myself in asking 'Who am I?' And to the extent I don't like the answer (and I don't) make those difficult changes.

Hevyn

It's great to have you here with us, adair. Talking things over with friends who care helps relieve anxiety. You're never alone.

I definitely stunted my emotional growth by numbing myself. What had once been fun had become a necessity. Anything not involving alcohol appeared boring or pointless. It was no way to live. Wish I'd awakened decades before I did. I'm so glad you're taking action & are on a quest to discover adair.

boreas

My drinking was as much a nasty habit as anything else. I was just as addicted to the ritual of drinking as I was to the momentary release it brought. My way out was through action. Any action. I walked endless miles, hiked, bowled, anything to break a very ingrained pattern of behavior.

That habit is like an old wagon road in my brain. At first, it was fresh, well-worn, and hard to break out of, but now it is overgrown with weeds and small trees. Breaking the pattern was so hard at first, but with new habits I formed new and healthier paths. Now running is my fresh, new, well worn path , and the one I can turn to when things get hard.

Sobriety brings clarity. I guess what I’m saying is that, for me, I started behaving like the person I wanted to be. I acted with discipline and became disciplined. The action brought the emotional shift.

Unfortunately, so much of my baggage which led me to drink remains. But I am so much prouder of how I cope with it.

So glad you’re here!
-bora