Day 88 - Fed up and want to drink
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 134
Day 88 - Fed up and want to drink
Feeling completely flat and the promise of feeling hangover-free in the morning just isn't cutting it. I've had waves of cravings over the past couple of weeks, and I haven't caved. But I'm teetering on edge now.
The AV is bargaining with me to have a few beers to unwind. I miss the highs—the getting out of my own head. I've filled my time with many activities over the past three months sober, but I feel flat now, from always rallying against cravings. I don't enjoy weekends anymore; I'm just killing time until the next working week when I'm fully occupied.
Sorry to be a downer - just needed to sound off somewhere.
The AV is bargaining with me to have a few beers to unwind. I miss the highs—the getting out of my own head. I've filled my time with many activities over the past three months sober, but I feel flat now, from always rallying against cravings. I don't enjoy weekends anymore; I'm just killing time until the next working week when I'm fully occupied.
Sorry to be a downer - just needed to sound off somewhere.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
Thank you for coming to SR and posting about it! You are in very early recovery. How many years did you pound the alcohol? It took me a couple of years to really start feeling comfortable with my new life but it just keeps getting better and easier still! Hang in there! Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
"get out of my own head."
I can relate to that. I have way too much time on my hands these days.
I don't think you'd find what you're looking for in one drinking day, my guess is that it would become several drinking days in a row, maybe weeks, months, or years and you may not make it back at all. So many people ride that ride. Drink, don't. Drink, don't.
It just gets harder to quit every time - and many people die trying to get back to sobriety.
Stick with us. It gets a LOT easier - give it more time. I had to purposefully look for other solutions to the "in my head" problem. Try researching meditation and mindfulness/CBT or ACT therapies.
I can relate to that. I have way too much time on my hands these days.
I don't think you'd find what you're looking for in one drinking day, my guess is that it would become several drinking days in a row, maybe weeks, months, or years and you may not make it back at all. So many people ride that ride. Drink, don't. Drink, don't.
It just gets harder to quit every time - and many people die trying to get back to sobriety.
Stick with us. It gets a LOT easier - give it more time. I had to purposefully look for other solutions to the "in my head" problem. Try researching meditation and mindfulness/CBT or ACT therapies.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 134
Thank you for your replies.
Tomls - I've been binge drinking since I was 15 - I'm 31 now. But it escalated to drinking more often the past couple of years. Had what I believe to be a seizure last year.
Biminiblue - I have been meditating as much as I can recently, and listening to talks by Alan Watts, Eckhart Tolle, and many other spiritual philosophers. It's all fantastic stuff, but just having a hard time engaging with it today as the cravings/AV have been relentless. But what my short period of sobriety has taught me is to put a space between the craving and the doing. That's kept me clean for almost three months. Thanks again for your comment.
Tomls - I've been binge drinking since I was 15 - I'm 31 now. But it escalated to drinking more often the past couple of years. Had what I believe to be a seizure last year.
Biminiblue - I have been meditating as much as I can recently, and listening to talks by Alan Watts, Eckhart Tolle, and many other spiritual philosophers. It's all fantastic stuff, but just having a hard time engaging with it today as the cravings/AV have been relentless. But what my short period of sobriety has taught me is to put a space between the craving and the doing. That's kept me clean for almost three months. Thanks again for your comment.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,942
I don’t really get this, Res. A lot of people including me had pretty sad lives as drinkers but have a great time now as non-drinkers. There’s so much more to do than drink, but if you drink now you’ll never know what good stuff might happen. I can’t believe how richer my life is now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
re-read some of your old threads - reacquaint yourself with the reality resurgence.
you did really well this week but obviously your AV is in full cry.
Any ideas on what you can do about that? a better plan? more support? positive healthy ways to unwind relax?
I found volunteering was a great way to get out of my own head in a positive way and focus on others. I understand it's a little bit more difficult to do volunteering right now, but anything that can get you out of that endless thinking about yourself, your problems. and the AV is a good thing.
D
you did really well this week but obviously your AV is in full cry.
Any ideas on what you can do about that? a better plan? more support? positive healthy ways to unwind relax?
I found volunteering was a great way to get out of my own head in a positive way and focus on others. I understand it's a little bit more difficult to do volunteering right now, but anything that can get you out of that endless thinking about yourself, your problems. and the AV is a good thing.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 134
Thanks for asking, Lumen 
Well, today is Day 90, so I made it through this week's rough patches, with lots of help from you guys.
Since I started this journey, I've confronted things that have eaten me from the inside for years - trauma, isolation, feelings of inferiority - as well as external factors such as debt, relationship issues, and an extreme nihilist outlook. It's been like an inner-purge, at least a decade overdue.
I was a binge drinker for 15 years and experienced horrific withdrawals (DTs etc.) for the first time last year, aged 30. I didn't feel suicidal, but I was ready to die. I chose wine over breakfast, beer over books, and substances over connection. I never want to go back there, and for the first time in my life, I'm starting to believe that I don't have to.
Thus far, I've posted when I've found myself in trouble, but I just wanted to put pen to paper - or fingertip to key - to demark this as a positive occasion. My accumulated mini-wins against the AV are starting to form a barrier between myself and the addiction. I want it to become bulletproof.
Thank you all.
A slightly teary,
RS
Well, today is Day 90, so I made it through this week's rough patches, with lots of help from you guys.
Since I started this journey, I've confronted things that have eaten me from the inside for years - trauma, isolation, feelings of inferiority - as well as external factors such as debt, relationship issues, and an extreme nihilist outlook. It's been like an inner-purge, at least a decade overdue.
I was a binge drinker for 15 years and experienced horrific withdrawals (DTs etc.) for the first time last year, aged 30. I didn't feel suicidal, but I was ready to die. I chose wine over breakfast, beer over books, and substances over connection. I never want to go back there, and for the first time in my life, I'm starting to believe that I don't have to.
Thus far, I've posted when I've found myself in trouble, but I just wanted to put pen to paper - or fingertip to key - to demark this as a positive occasion. My accumulated mini-wins against the AV are starting to form a barrier between myself and the addiction. I want it to become bulletproof.
Thank you all.
A slightly teary,
RS
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,942
It sounds like quite a battle, Res, but you seem to be winning. No reason why you need to drink ever again, so start believing it and living your life. You’ve got it made seeing sense at 31. I didn’t get there until 48.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I didn't find SR until 90 days clean. I was feeling like you. I was having weird symptoms that were all directly booze related. Since quitting, not a brain issue recurrence. Only lingering stress from previous issues.
SR taught me about kindling, PAWS, and PTSD. To me these all equal brain damage from too much booze.
Everyone has a mental limit that they reach where the hangovers last too long, I still feel the effects of my last binge.
I have not seen a single person, out of thousands here, that ever relapsed and said it worked out. It is a broken record of regret.
Suffering and time. It is ok to cry. It is ok to curl up in a little ball and cry. Just can't do that all the time. I did it once in a while when nobody was around. I haven't needed to do it lately, but I am prepared to if I need to.
Otherwise, I put on my brave face, pull up my big boy pants and suffer suffer suffer. I made my bed. I am sleeping in it.
Exercise is my go to therapy. I am learning other ways to get my brain right. As time has passed, everything makes my brain right, but in the beginning, it was only certain things like exercise, sweets, naps, quiet time, and kindness.
Hope this helps in some way. It helps me to try and help.
Thanks.
SR taught me about kindling, PAWS, and PTSD. To me these all equal brain damage from too much booze.
Everyone has a mental limit that they reach where the hangovers last too long, I still feel the effects of my last binge.
I have not seen a single person, out of thousands here, that ever relapsed and said it worked out. It is a broken record of regret.
Suffering and time. It is ok to cry. It is ok to curl up in a little ball and cry. Just can't do that all the time. I did it once in a while when nobody was around. I haven't needed to do it lately, but I am prepared to if I need to.
Otherwise, I put on my brave face, pull up my big boy pants and suffer suffer suffer. I made my bed. I am sleeping in it.
Exercise is my go to therapy. I am learning other ways to get my brain right. As time has passed, everything makes my brain right, but in the beginning, it was only certain things like exercise, sweets, naps, quiet time, and kindness.
Hope this helps in some way. It helps me to try and help.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,059
Well done for reaching out. Some days are really tough, some aren't. On the bad days remember that they will pass and better times will come.
90 days is a triumph and a great foundation to continued sobriety. Drinking again will not achieve anything except maybe a very brief relaxation, followed by guilt, self loathing and relentless cravings for more..and more. It never ends unless we end it.
Keep on winning!
90 days is a triumph and a great foundation to continued sobriety. Drinking again will not achieve anything except maybe a very brief relaxation, followed by guilt, self loathing and relentless cravings for more..and more. It never ends unless we end it.
Keep on winning!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Resurgence, a huge and well-earned Congrats on 90 days.
It is so common as to worth mentioning again that 90 days, six months, one year and then maybe other soberversaries can bring up all kinds of ish and a lot of people really struggle at those marks...so you're not alone in that. Right at six months I had a serious battle with drinking thoughts and almost caved too. A sober friend talked me down.
Well done. I get it about the full-psyche makeover, too.
It is so common as to worth mentioning again that 90 days, six months, one year and then maybe other soberversaries can bring up all kinds of ish and a lot of people really struggle at those marks...so you're not alone in that. Right at six months I had a serious battle with drinking thoughts and almost caved too. A sober friend talked me down.
Well done. I get it about the full-psyche makeover, too.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Resurgence, thanks for the great post. And, good for you for tackling the inner-purge work. That's so important and I'm sure it's helped you to feel as good as you do on Day 90. Congratulations.
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