noaddedsugar

I’ve had good days recently but last night I hit rock bottom. My partner came in at 8pm and I was so drunk I’d passed out in bed. I’d been drinking all day (at work) even to the point of drinking mouthwash. I tried to deny I’d been drinking but she knew I had. I was acting weird and confused. I don’t want alcohol in my life anymore. I know I’m much happier without it. I was so happy last year when I wasn’t drinking and exercising all the time it’s the best I’ve ever felt.

I don't know how I’m going to get through today.

Dee74

I spent my first few days on SR, as much as I could.

Its probably a good idea to think of what else you could use for support - AA or some other meeting based approach, doctor, counselor, maybe even some kind of inpatient or outpatient rehab - and what changes you could make to your life to reflect a desire to be sober?

We'l help for sure but it needs a lot of effort from you too

D

Evoo

I think one thing I've found over the years, is that even the "good days" are jaded if I knew in my heart I would drink again. Every other time except the last one, I knew the door was still open and I could reach out and grab a bottle "if I really needed it." Or, hey, "look at how great I'm moderating! I'm good!" Until I'm not.

That isn't recovery. That isn't a good day. That's purgatory.

It's not just about stopping drinking, either... it's also learning to be sober. You've had stretches sober, so you know the anxiety, the shame -- how these can wash over you and be overwhelming.

That's why you need the right tools, mental and physical, to do that work. Counseling, AA, a team, a sponsor, whatever it is -- gotta be something. Stay strong man.

noaddedsugar

I know you’re right. Just cos I can drink a couple of beers and go to sleep doesn’t mean I have a normal relationship with alcohol - it always gets me in the end. I want alcohol out of my life altogether. It makes me miserable.. but I don’t want to admit to people that I have a problem with it and that’s my biggest obstacle.

I know I need to get over that and put more effort into my recovery.

I’m honestly surprised I’m still here the way I’ve went on.

noaddedsugar

Thankyou. I’m going to hang around here and I know I need to make more effort. I can’t admit I’m an alcoholic to myself or anyone else. My mother was and she’s an awful person who abandoned her children when they were 10. I don’t think my morals would ever let me do that so can’t face the fact I could be like her.

Dee74

I don't see alcoholism as a moral issue.
I can't see you abandoning any children you might have either

But your drinking is putting your relationship with your partner at risk - you said so yourself.

If the label has too much baggage for you don't use it...but do accept that you and alcohol have a really terrible toxic relationship and if you want positive change in your life you need to stop drinking.

D

Alcoman447

Hi mate,

​​​​​No need to admit to anyone else you may have a problem, just yourself
I used to get funny about the term alcoholic and referring to myself as an alcoholic. Perhaps it was an ego thing but now that I've accepted it and realised, it's actually quite freeing to admit you are and that you're powerless over alcohol

Tonnes of support here and in real life fir you to tap into. When you put the booze down, you open up an endless world of possibilities and prosperity 😊

Evoo

Totally. In fact, before I stopped drinking entirely I had been "moderating" most of the time. My darkest days were actually behind me. I was doing my work really well, meeting my responsibilities, pay attention to my wife and family and friends, working out etc. -- I "tipped too far" some weekends and had to wrestle with hangovers but I'd always recover and balance out, so I thought I was fine.

Sober45

Hopefully this is a sober day for you. you said you don’t want to admit to people that you have a problem with it and that’s your biggest obstacle.

I've been sober for over 7 months now. I work with a lot of people but only two of them know I have a alcohol misuse problem. I think keeping things to myself for the most part has really helped me stay sober. In previous quits, when I would announce to the world my intentions, I failed. I was creating a lot of unnecessary pressure because I felt "others were watching me"....very uncomfortable feeling.

Alcohol misuse=behavioral issue I can change
Alcoholic=a label that tells me what I am...personally I don't like labels so I try not to use them (but for some it is needed).

My mother has a drinking problem too and there was part of me that felt for a long time like I was damned because I'm so much like her. But that is not the case. We can chose whatever path we want.

LumenandNyx

You might have to just lay there and stare at the ceiling. That's what I did - countless times.
Once you start feeling better physically, you can try to start picking up the pieces.

Give yourself time and give the process time. What you want and what you happen to be thinking may backfire - so, allow some space for change in your life.

thomas11

Well I think you are on the right track in thinking that the very first step is getting through today. You can do that. Then reassess tomorrow and stay sober again. We'll be around.

Dee74

How are you noaddedsugar?

D

MaximusD

Yes, how are you? For me, the seperation from my current successful quit to previous ones was really people here telling me you have to make sobriety be #1 and you have to WORK for it.

noaddedsugar

Thankyou so much for your support everyone!

im going to be honest and after I posted I felt like I had to drink to get me through the day. I was panicked all day and felt like I was going to be sick and needed to ease the withdrawal. I don’t know how I made it as I had to work through it on Thursday. I managed to have a sandwich on the night which was a struggle to force down. I woke up through the night and my stomach was in bits. The only way I can describe the feeling is pure hell.

Luckily was off work yesterday and I managed to get through the day without being sick but it was agony. I never thought I was going to feel alright again. Could eat anything all day.

My partner never brought up Wednesday again and even said yesterday about how good it is we haven’t drank this week? I don’t know if that was maybe a way of getting me to say I was drunk that night? I don’t think she can be that oblivious. I’m scared to talk about it. I don’t think she has noticed how ill I’ve been over the last couple of days because I’m good at putting on a brave face. I managed to do housework and decorating even though I felt like death.

I woke up up this morning with a clear head and the sickness was gone and I could’ve cried with relief. I am not letting myself get to that place again! I don’t want to feel like I want to die constantly. I deserve to live a better life than that. So yeah this is day one and I’m determined to stay sober this time.

Hevyn

Noadded - This is exactly how I felt just before I came to SR (pure hell, etc.). I knew my drinking days were over & could never return or I'd die. That was the first time I'd taken it seriously & not tried to moderate yet again. I was terrified. That feeling led to me being here - and 12 yrs. of sobriety. I never picked up again - not a drop. I think we have to be thoroughly disgusted. It sounds like you are. You can do it.

Dee74

I'm so glad you got through NAS

D

fini

NAS, you’re nothing like somebody else just because you have the same problem as someone else.

in any case, concentrate on pursuing a/the solution to the problem you DO have, and leave your mom and her hateful stuff out of it. no need to compare; it’s not useful.