FishingDude30

A lot of the drinking buddies have quit calling and that’s perfectly fine.


What was your experience with the friends that want to remain friends but your lives are no longer compatible?

I don’t want to sound like a jerk but I have a few friends who want to remain close but when I see their names pop up on a text or phone call I get anxiety before even reading the message or taking the call. I feel like some people don’t want me to grow and when we do hang out it’s just awkward and uncomfortable. Kind of like hanging around them just sucks the life out of you.

Do you think I should try and make it work or put distance in our relationships? One of these is tough because I was in his wedding, we were college roommates, went to highschool together, played little league etc. He is going through a difficult time in his marriage and with his kid and always wants to talk about it or needs comfort. I feel inadequate to help because I’m single and don’t have any kids.

Did y’all experience anything similar in the early days of not drinking?

biminiblue

What I know to be true after several decades of life is that some people are not good for me. I would say maybe most people.

I think you could say to your friend that you don't feel qualified to help. I tried to set limits like that with one friend. All she ever did was complain about things that she herself was causing, and I lost my ability to be compassionate after the first 20 minutes - every time. She never respected my desire to not make the friendship all about her problems, so I had to end it...I hated that, but I am much better off for having done so.

I don't spend a lot of time with drinkers, my life is better that way.

To thine own self be true. That's the best thing.

Anna

I had to remove a few people from my life in early recovery because I knew they were toxic to me. If being around those people makes it feel like the life is being sucked out of you, that's your answer. Distance, at least for awhile. It doesn't necessarily have to be forever.

brighterday1234

I put and continue to put my sobriety and recovery as no1 priority in my life. If people compromise that then they can’t be in my life.

doggonecarl

If sobriety is your goal, then the last thing you need to do is hang around a drinker who is going through a difficult period in his life and who will likely lean on alcohol as a coping mechanism.

But you could support him by lending an ear...in a phone conversation.

Be123

One of my brothers lives on the other side of the world...we hadn't spoken in years but now we do, we've buried the hatchet. He said about coming home soon and I told him I wouldn't see him anywhere apart from playing golf.

This was hard but he understood - he is a big drinker and also our history is soaked in booze. I love him and want to make amends with him but I can't socialise with him as it's just too risky. In fact, it's not risky, it's just agreeing to drink!

Hope this is of some help

LumenandNyx

Hi,

I was brutally honest with everyone from the beginning. I did not want to be anywhere around alcohol or anyone who was drinking it - including family. This was easy for me though because I'm extremely confrontational and assertive in the first place and I realize that others aren't. I did eventually have to block one friend who refused to pick up on the - clear as day hint - I left. Oh well.

As for your college buddy, what I would say is "Yo, dude - I think you really need to think about seeing a therapist about this stuff. I love ya, but all of this weight you're putting on me by sharing this stuff is starting to hurt my back - if ya know what I mean."

Of course - your words may vary, but I encourage you to just put the truth out there. As far as I know - telling someone the truth never killed anyone. A lot of people don't like the truth. It can hurt or sting or bruise an ego. AND????

MaximusD

Most of my drinking friends have just kind of moved on naturally. As for your friend who needs help, I have been that person and I would say help them by listening but, as other posters have said, if it exceeds your ability or gets to be too much you can always and should be honest. When I was going through divorce etc I confided in some people and I am sure I was going to far. I can almost always tell when someone is getting over it as I am pretty keen on those little clues that many can't pick up so I would just back off for them without them having to say it.

FishingDude30

Thank you! I appreciate everyone’s ideas and feedback.

Hodd

Luckily I’d been choosy with my drinking friends. I’ve known some since school or university, so they are real friends. I simply explained that I’d become alcohol dependent and felt it better to stop. They understood 100%. They didn’t know I was dependent but agreed if I was I had to stop. They’re still my friends.

It’s very important to keep good friends. If a so-called friend is just a bar fly or an alcoholic, they’re probably best avoided, but I’d give better friends a chance.

Dee74

hey fishingdude

I'm a musician so I have friends who still drink - some take drugs too.
The thing is they respect my position on not drinking and they support it.

To me that's the mark of a good friend.

I wouldn't hang with them at a riotous all night party but I can have a meal with them at a restaurant, go home and leave them to whatever they decide to do after that.

Someone trying to pressure me into drinking again - even just by offering me a drink - is either completely clueless, or does not have my best interests at heart, and best kept at arms length if not completely avoided, at least until your recovery grows a little stronger

D

Misssy2

This is one of the ways life can suc...but sometimes we grow away from people.
If sobriety is #1...than it has to be #1....don't feel guilty ...you did "good" things in the past with these friends...but you don't owe anyone anything....maybe later on you will be able to connect when you have your "sobriety" solid....and maybe you won't connect....Life just keeps moving...I know that anything that makes me anxious in my sobriety can not be part of my life.

NicLin

For me it was very simple; the people who want me to LIVE and be happy and healthy have remained in my life. My closest friends understood that Nic had to do what she had to do and was taking care of herself. I really had to change people, places and things and I definitely was not going to ask anyone to change their behaviors for me (God knows I had caused enough damage to make any demands). I did what I had to do and if people fell off along the way, I accepted that.

In regards to your friend, I think you can always offer someone an ear or a shoulder. This friend may need you just to listen, not give advice. We learn that we can only really share our experiences and if we can't , we can just hold space.

You'll figure out what is best along your journey. You just keep taking care of yourself and more will be revealed.

Nic.

owen90

I can relate, I also live alone with no kids. I've lost all of my friends except one in the past month. I lost my old friends because of drinking and now i've lost my current friends (drinkers) because I stopped drinking. Lost touch with all of my old friends over the years so cant really reconnect. So I guess we'll have to find new circles of friends to join and hang out with.

I might be different to you in that I really enjoy being alone (or at least got very comfortable with it). There is lots of freedom in being able to do what you want, when you want to.

Cityboy

I think you just have to follow your heart on this redfishdude.

It doesn't bother me if some of my friends still drink around me. It's not that. I have an issue though if the relationship is toxic, be it a friendship or a business relationship.

anxiousrock

I have 0 friends so this is something I never thought of. If they don't support you they probably aren't your friend.

DriGuy

I cut ties with a couple of long time friends. I didn't find it painful. My goal in life just didn't have room for them. It sounds sad, and it was a little bit, but not devastating. I cut ties with a large number of bar friends. That was not a problem at all.