So sick of myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
So sick of myself
AA doesn't seem like a safe option for me, I am seeing such a cycle in life after 15 years of heavy drinking that has slide into alcoholism. "functional" as I have my children, career, and incredible second marriage.
Currently in what seems to be an never ending custody battle with narcissist ex pending court battle this Friday. The thought of never drinking again is overwhelming and so is the thought of just not drinking one day at a time.
Beer, wine, vodka, doesn't matter. After a day or so off I'm slowly back into way over indulgence to the point I give up evening activities now in favor of anything that will allow all weekend benders.
Control issues and feel very out of control in so many areas of life.
Xanex (as prescribed low dose twice a day) one SSRI as prescribed both I've been on for over 8 years. Through a house fire and extremely volatile divorce after an abusive marriage panic attacks happen more often. Now I realize some of the anxiety must be from the alcohol withdrawal.
I've drank at work. I've drank at church. There aren't many places I haven't drank. We have a social life at the lake that seems revolves around drinking, I see no one that has one or two although my husband drank socially when we began dating and now rarely will have more than three beers.
He has brought up his concern of my drinking and overall mental health and handling of all that is going on. He has my back, and even in loving him more than anyone ever romantically I cannot imagine a "happy' life without beer at the lake, wine on a trip, or drinks on vacations.
I went for three weeks two years ago without any alcohol on my own and it was VERY difficult. I used HTC easing off the withdrawls. Since that time, I have not gone longer than a week without alcohol. Rarely more than two days in a row.
No legal or career ramifications yet. HOW DO I DO THIS without losing my mind and be successful. AA does not seem like the option for me. Has anyone successfully detoxed at home with a family to take care of while still working a job?
I realize this is all over the place, I need help and relief. Help
Currently in what seems to be an never ending custody battle with narcissist ex pending court battle this Friday. The thought of never drinking again is overwhelming and so is the thought of just not drinking one day at a time.
Beer, wine, vodka, doesn't matter. After a day or so off I'm slowly back into way over indulgence to the point I give up evening activities now in favor of anything that will allow all weekend benders.
Control issues and feel very out of control in so many areas of life.
Xanex (as prescribed low dose twice a day) one SSRI as prescribed both I've been on for over 8 years. Through a house fire and extremely volatile divorce after an abusive marriage panic attacks happen more often. Now I realize some of the anxiety must be from the alcohol withdrawal.
I've drank at work. I've drank at church. There aren't many places I haven't drank. We have a social life at the lake that seems revolves around drinking, I see no one that has one or two although my husband drank socially when we began dating and now rarely will have more than three beers.
He has brought up his concern of my drinking and overall mental health and handling of all that is going on. He has my back, and even in loving him more than anyone ever romantically I cannot imagine a "happy' life without beer at the lake, wine on a trip, or drinks on vacations.
I went for three weeks two years ago without any alcohol on my own and it was VERY difficult. I used HTC easing off the withdrawls. Since that time, I have not gone longer than a week without alcohol. Rarely more than two days in a row.
No legal or career ramifications yet. HOW DO I DO THIS without losing my mind and be successful. AA does not seem like the option for me. Has anyone successfully detoxed at home with a family to take care of while still working a job?
I realize this is all over the place, I need help and relief. Help
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,467
Yes, I detoxed at home with family and house to take care of. However, withdrawing from alcohol can be dangerous and if you have any concerns, it's always a good idea to talk to your doctor about this.
Though AA is an option that helps many, I do not use it. There are other options such as SMART, and many of us here use SR as our main support resource. Basically do whatever it takes to stop drinking and to begin to recover. I do understand that you can't imagine life without alcohol and I felt the same way. I had to make many lifestyle changes regarding activities and people in my life in order to stay sober. But, I think you'll be surprised how good you feel once the alcohol is out of your life and you're making healthy choices.
Your comment about the panic attacks is probably accurate. I had panic attacks before I began drinking, but they were much worse when I was an active alcoholic. Now, I still have anxiety and panic attacks sometimes, but it's manageable.
Though AA is an option that helps many, I do not use it. There are other options such as SMART, and many of us here use SR as our main support resource. Basically do whatever it takes to stop drinking and to begin to recover. I do understand that you can't imagine life without alcohol and I felt the same way. I had to make many lifestyle changes regarding activities and people in my life in order to stay sober. But, I think you'll be surprised how good you feel once the alcohol is out of your life and you're making healthy choices.
Your comment about the panic attacks is probably accurate. I had panic attacks before I began drinking, but they were much worse when I was an active alcoholic. Now, I still have anxiety and panic attacks sometimes, but it's manageable.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Heya Via, kudos to you for trying to figure this out. There are folks who don't go the AA route. Many of us just do SR
Giving up drinking is a big undertaking. Many people like you have done it. However, if you really are an alcoholic, you can't do weekend benders nor even an occasional drink.
Why is AA not a safe option for you?
I'm a depressive myself so I often don't live more than 10 min at a time . . . .one day at a time is too much for me.
Giving up drinking is a big undertaking. Many people like you have done it. However, if you really are an alcoholic, you can't do weekend benders nor even an occasional drink.
Why is AA not a safe option for you?
I'm a depressive myself so I often don't live more than 10 min at a time . . . .one day at a time is too much for me.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by viabeautywithin 
I cannot imagine a "happy' life without beer at the lake, wine on a trip, or drinks on vacations.
Sobriety isn't a punishment. Oh sure, the early days are tough, and there is little happiness to be found in alcohol withdrawal. But there is life after alcohol and, for me and for many others here on SR, a wonderful one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Forgive me, but I'm not seeing a whole lot of "happy" in your drinking.
Sobriety isn't a punishment. Oh sure, the early days are tough, and there is little happiness to be found in alcohol withdrawal. But there is life after alcohol and, for me and for many others here on SR, a wonderful one.
Sobriety isn't a punishment. Oh sure, the early days are tough, and there is little happiness to be found in alcohol withdrawal. But there is life after alcohol and, for me and for many others here on SR, a wonderful one.
Yes brief happiness socially, relaxation briefly, but the hell soon to follow
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,467
Originally Posted by viabeautywithin
Do you use medication?
Amen, Daniel Change Your Brain, Change Your Life
Bassett, Lucinda From Panic to Power
Burns, David MD When Panic Attacks
Chodron, Pema The Places that Scare You
Doidge, Norman MD The Brain that Changes Itself
Dyer, Wayne Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life
Orsilla, Ken Mindful Way Through Anxiety
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Originally Posted by viabeautywithin
Do you use medication?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,386
Via, drinking sucks. You just said that it gives you very brief happiness. Sobriety will give you more than that but you have to push through the tough stuff for a bit. You might relapse but slowly you will start to get used to doing things that don't revolve around alcohol. You need to change those associations that you have and that takes time and hard work. There is no way around it, sobriety is hard work for many of us but the payoff is amazingly great.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
You're in a pickle!
What I see is that while you may place great importance on your relationships with your current husband, your job, and your children - your relationship with alcohol takes it to home base. You appear to be quite addicted - mentally, physically and emotionally - and not just to alcohol, though you may not know it yet....
Unfortunately - Xanax isn't helping you. I'm not a doctor, but I had to withdrawal from alcohol and benzos (Xanax) and it was brutal. Xanax acts on our brain in a similar way that alcohol does. It takes the edge off LARGE. And it's hell coming down off it.
The only way to sobriety is through detox. You asked for help. I think you need to see a new doctor about getting off the Xanax and into treatment for it and alcohol. That's my thought on it. If nothing else - treatment will offer you space away from these drugs so that you can think about your next wise move.
You are going to have to learn to live without these things - regardless what anyone else is doing at your lakehouse.
What I see is that while you may place great importance on your relationships with your current husband, your job, and your children - your relationship with alcohol takes it to home base. You appear to be quite addicted - mentally, physically and emotionally - and not just to alcohol, though you may not know it yet....
Unfortunately - Xanax isn't helping you. I'm not a doctor, but I had to withdrawal from alcohol and benzos (Xanax) and it was brutal. Xanax acts on our brain in a similar way that alcohol does. It takes the edge off LARGE. And it's hell coming down off it.
The only way to sobriety is through detox. You asked for help. I think you need to see a new doctor about getting off the Xanax and into treatment for it and alcohol. That's my thought on it. If nothing else - treatment will offer you space away from these drugs so that you can think about your next wise move.
You are going to have to learn to live without these things - regardless what anyone else is doing at your lakehouse.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
I don't think early recovery is easy for anyone but neither is drinking the way we did.
Support helps., and you'll find that here.
Not sure what your objections are to AA and it doesn't really matter - I did not use AA either - but there are other methods that are meeting based like SMART or lifering, and there are online meetings available for just about every method should you want to go that route.
D
Support helps., and you'll find that here.
Not sure what your objections are to AA and it doesn't really matter - I did not use AA either - but there are other methods that are meeting based like SMART or lifering, and there are online meetings available for just about every method should you want to go that route.
D
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
I've detoxed at home many times with family and work and small children. Because I was also prescribed a benzo as you are with Xanax and that helped me not to be worried about going into seizures from the alcohol detox...I always when deciding to quit would need the first couple of days off from work thou because I was never in good shape and needed to take sick or vacation time.
And I"ve detoxed many times in a hospital setting.
The problem is that the detox is just a detox and it is not going to change all the emotional ties you have to drinking alcohol.
You are currently in a mindset (been there) that you can not live without alcohol and mainly at the lake.
You do still have your career and your children and your husband...and you could slip by a couple more years doing what you are doing, working, raising children, going to the lake...without many consequences as I did...but then the biggest consequence came for me with my health...I just never felt well..did less and less with the kids..called in sick to work more and more....it started to become more obvious to people but mostly to ME that my functioning was going way down....
Looking back on my life...my kids missed out on having a present Mom.
I thought everything was fine....you think everything..isn't that bad...
You will realize that you know your situation is out of control WHEN you realize ....not drinking at the lake is more important than drinking at the lake
.
And I"ve detoxed many times in a hospital setting.
The problem is that the detox is just a detox and it is not going to change all the emotional ties you have to drinking alcohol.
You are currently in a mindset (been there) that you can not live without alcohol and mainly at the lake.
You do still have your career and your children and your husband...and you could slip by a couple more years doing what you are doing, working, raising children, going to the lake...without many consequences as I did...but then the biggest consequence came for me with my health...I just never felt well..did less and less with the kids..called in sick to work more and more....it started to become more obvious to people but mostly to ME that my functioning was going way down....
Looking back on my life...my kids missed out on having a present Mom.
I thought everything was fine....you think everything..isn't that bad...
You will realize that you know your situation is out of control WHEN you realize ....not drinking at the lake is more important than drinking at the lake
.Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by Misssy2
I've detoxed at home many times with family and work and small children. Because I was also prescribed a benzo as you are with Xanax and that helped me not to be worried about going into seizures from the alcohol detox...I always when deciding to quit would need the first couple of days off from work thou because I was never in good shape and needed to take sick or vacation time.
And I"ve detoxed many times in a hospital setting.
The problem is that the detox is just a detox and it is not going to change all the emotional ties you have to drinking alcohol.
You are currently in a mindset (been there) that you can not live without alcohol and mainly at the lake.
You do still have your career and your children and your husband...and you could slip by a couple more years doing what you are doing, working, raising children, going to the lake...without many consequences as I did...but then the biggest consequence came for me with my health...I just never felt well..did less and less with the kids..called in sick to work more and more....it started to become more obvious to people but mostly to ME that my functioning was going way down....
Looking back on my life...my kids missed out on having a present Mom.
I thought everything was fine....you think everything..isn't that bad...
You will realize that you know your situation is out of control WHEN you realize ....not drinking at the lake is more important than drinking at the lake.
And I"ve detoxed many times in a hospital setting.
The problem is that the detox is just a detox and it is not going to change all the emotional ties you have to drinking alcohol.
You are currently in a mindset (been there) that you can not live without alcohol and mainly at the lake.
You do still have your career and your children and your husband...and you could slip by a couple more years doing what you are doing, working, raising children, going to the lake...without many consequences as I did...but then the biggest consequence came for me with my health...I just never felt well..did less and less with the kids..called in sick to work more and more....it started to become more obvious to people but mostly to ME that my functioning was going way down....
Looking back on my life...my kids missed out on having a present Mom.
I thought everything was fine....you think everything..isn't that bad...
You will realize that you know your situation is out of control WHEN you realize ....not drinking at the lake is more important than drinking at the lake
.Free.
Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Saskatchewan.
Posts: 2,964
Glad you’re here Viabeautywithin:
You’ll find a great deal of support here.
Detoxing, I’ve found, is much smoother when medically assisted, but yes, can be done at home. There are big risks with alcohol detox, including death.
Cold turkey, though dangerous, is probably most effective.
Very,very few alcoholics can taper. Mainly because ANY amount sets off intense craving in most of us.
Best is to GET MEDICAL ADVICE from a doctor.
I have tapered off (for fear of DT’s) I think it will ONLY work if you have a strong “never again” stance and view the small amounts while tapering as meds. This was the case for me.
Pretty sure that 92% or more of recovered people will advise AGAINST taper.
Having a community of like-minded people in your corner is HUGE for recovery.
this link helped me a lot with what to expect: https://www.verywellmind.com/is-this...-it-last-80197
Stick around. Post often.
Glad you’re here!
You’ll find a great deal of support here.
Detoxing, I’ve found, is much smoother when medically assisted, but yes, can be done at home. There are big risks with alcohol detox, including death.
Cold turkey, though dangerous, is probably most effective.
Very,very few alcoholics can taper. Mainly because ANY amount sets off intense craving in most of us.
Best is to GET MEDICAL ADVICE from a doctor.
I have tapered off (for fear of DT’s) I think it will ONLY work if you have a strong “never again” stance and view the small amounts while tapering as meds. This was the case for me.
Pretty sure that 92% or more of recovered people will advise AGAINST taper.
Having a community of like-minded people in your corner is HUGE for recovery.
this link helped me a lot with what to expect: https://www.verywellmind.com/is-this...-it-last-80197
Stick around. Post often.
Glad you’re here!
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