Philemon

Gabe, I did drink like you did! That description you wrote of coming down off your last (ever) bender could have been written by me! We NEVER want to go back there again And yes, it's a good idea to talk to someone about your husbands drinking, no one wants to have to contend with that. Even if you didn't have a problem yourself, that wouldn't be pleasant to put up with. x

Gabe1980

Thank you - that really helps. I'll keep you posted about how I get on. I'm going back to bed now to make sure I wake up sober 💓

AlbaSober

Thanks for your honesty Gabe.

My wife has told me 1000 times to sort out my drinking. She's always been right as I poured out my excuses about how I had to drink tonight because it's Saturday or because some sport was on the tele, like it added substance to a solo bender. Of course I'd plan to make things better in the future because it wasn't the present and the present only matters for abusers of alcohol.

I'd love to be able to drink of the 10 nights (if that) that I enjoy with friends and ditch the 200 nights I'd drink alone with the internet for company. I don't think I can do that, and there's a mountain of proof for evidence.

Wishing you a cracking Sunday for day 9. It's forecast to be cooler tomorrow so wrap up warmer.

decchemist

Hello Gabe

I'm wondering why you have not checked in on your daily check in thread.

Philemon

Me too, check in even if you don't feel like it, even if you have drank, it keeps you connected to the "you" that wants to stop... remember <<<<that AV is a liar x

AlbaSober

We're here for you Gabe when you wanna talk x

Gabe1980

Hey.

I think this is day 11. I made it through the weekend sober but it was one of the hardest weekends I've had.

Thank you for taking the time to check in here and see how I am.

I have logged on each day and read a bit but.....to be honest....I really didn't know what I wanted to say or what is going on with me. It all just feels like such a jumble of things that I don't know where I am. The only things that stopped me drinking this weekend was that I would miss my walks (which I've come to really love) and there was a big pot of homemade soup that would have ended up in the bin, as I wouldn't have gone near it drunk and I hate waste! crazy that those were the things that mattered but they were.

I am really tired. I have negotiated with work to go down to 2.5 days but I am scared of the free time. I am sick of being home, working from home, sitting at home but we have a week off and are due to see Steve's family and I am scared of that. Scared to drink....scared to not drink.....scared to be away but I can't stand anymore time at home.....it feels like there is nowhere to go with any of it.

Steve was violently ill on Sunday after his binge and we have a least sorted out a way forward......every other weekend I am going to stay with my sister on the Friday night and he can do what the hell he wants to do......so long as I don't have to see it. The rest of the time is alcohol free and we are going to start planning to do things together.

I woke up with a clear thought yesterday......this is so hard because I still haven't properly made the decision not to drink again. All the conflict and fear comes from not having made the decision not to drink again, so there is always a will I, wont I, can I...will I cope etc etc

I don't know....I am still here.

I appreciate you all so much, thanks,

Gabe1980

This all sounds very much like relapse chat, doesn't it

Sober45

You're in the thick of it right now. I think your realization above is a very important one. When I stopped in January I made an absolute commitment that I would not drink again. However, saying "never again" in the early days brought up feelings of doom that I couldn't really handle. So I changed it to one year and I'm doing it one day at a time. That little change has made all the difference for me.

Now, after 7 months sober, I'm starting to be able to think in the "never forever" direction.

11 days, in your circumstances, is pretty darn amazing and something to be grateful for. You have already proven you can do this. Keep going because you are going to work this out...as long as you stay active.

Philemon

So happy to hear that you didn't drink . I think you have made that final decision. All your plans revolve around that decision (and those plans sound like a good start). When it came whether to drink or not you decided not to. It's your Beast that is terrified of you sealing that final decision, so it sends out it's AV to do it's dirty work of persuading you not to make too a hasty decision on finally closing that door to drinking. You have already proved countless times that you are the boss.
The Beasts master move is always always to get it's AV to drag up memories of how good you felt after a few drinks (euphoric recall). IT only exists to drink. IT is the desire to drink, that's all IT wants for fulfilment.
You exist to experience everything else. You exist to find fulfilment in anything and everything.
It's one or the other. Both you and IT cannot find satisfaction by compromising. Either you must dominate IT or IT will dominate you and show no mercy in the process.

Gabe1980

You know, you are totally right. I knew I was avoiding here because I'd have to face up to the fact that I was considering drinking again......I just wish I was more consistent in my feelings about drinking and wanting to be sober forever. Sometimes I feel like it's the only way to live my life and be happy....other times I feel like it's impossible and I am just making myself miserable.

I had a great couple of days at work though....that wouldn't have happened if I had given in at the weekend. I'm trying to remember each day is a victory just now and what the benefits are as they come

Gabe1980

Bargaining, compromising....once you have done it for long enough, or gone back to it enough times, you realise you are just going round and round in a situation that can't be resolved this way. I have done it so many times and I am really aware of that. There is no system that works, no process or routine that works....it sober or black out drunk. That's it. But there is still that part that wants the other option.....the beast indeed, but it feels just like me.

I did realise though that the only thing stopping me enjoying my life and moving forward in having closer relationships is the constant desire to drink or that narration that is always there about the place of drinking in each situation. I know the truth is there is no place for drinking. If I can accept that, all that conflict and turmoil doesn't exist anymore because it's over.

I just don't seem to know how to make it be over.

Thanks for checking in....I appreciate it.

Sober45

"I just don't seem to know how to make it be over."

You DO know because you have already been doing it for the past 11 days. The AV is screaming at you now. You must sustain your efforts until you build up some serious sober time. It is true that time heals. Don't give up because you are on the right track.

Messing with the emotions, as i am finding out, is one of alcohols best tricks so you're feelings are not going to be consistent this early in the game....that's why we have to work at it so hard in the early days.

Philemon

No bother Gabe. I did that for years, trying to have both. Just fit "a bit of drink" into my normal life. But I have accepted now that something in the old noodle has been changed by the amount and frequency I drank and it's just not possible I can ever proccess drink normally physiologically again.
AVRT is helping this time because it's useful for me to visualize this change as a separate entity. This change that has taken place in my brain as to how it has ended up reacting to alcohol, really didn't feel like part of me.
I think you have nailed the crux of the matter. Are you going to end the turmoil by never putting alcohol in your body again, or are you going to keep on trying it, on the off chance a miracle might happen and your body will react differently to it this next time?

Gabe1980

I hear you....I have a copy of Rational Recovery in front of me. I bought it and skimmed it but didn't properly read it. It sounds like what you are talking about is really effective and it's time to learn a bit more and read the book. That jumble is just me and my beast circling each other but my beast is pretending to be me.....no wonder this gets so bloody confusing.

Gabe1980

It certainly is hard work....this weekend was a total nightmare and I really am surprised that I didn't drink. There was a part of me strong enough to realise that I didn't want to and that it was not what I had agreed with myself to do......that part of me won the day and that's given me a bit more faith

Philemon

In RR the Beast is the desire to drink. The AV is "the bark of the Beast" ie any thought, feeling or imagery that will lead to drinking.
AVRT stands for addictive voice recognition technique. You learn to recognise any thought or feeling that will end in drinking as the AV and separate IT from YOU and ignore IT. I used to say I drank to escape my thoughts. This was AV, infact the thoughts that I was trying to escape were the AV itself. Because I knew indulging in those dark thoughts always ended in drinking. Now I cut those black thoughts off as AV.
I drank for "stress". It caused more stress and anxiety than it cured.
I drank to enhance a good time..that drinking always spoilt any good time.
I finally accepted I drank for the buzz I could only get instantly from drink. THAT desire for the buzz of the drink is the Beast in AVRT
And it gets me to supply the drink through it's AV (addictive voice, anything that will get me to feed the addiction)
Yes, read the book, to see if it is for you. Some people take to it straight away, some cannot.
Once the drink is out of the picture there are loads of other ways to deal with any problems and stresses. Most of mine just went away with stopping drinking.
The only thing you cannot replace is that instant high that the drink gave. And to tell the truth even that was hitty missy and very fleeting in the end, but I still chased it, until I have now decided enough is enough any good times the drink brought when I was younger and drank normally are over and gone forever, a distant memory. Only the Beast of addiction is left.
It's like wishing my adult kids were children again, never going to happen.
You have proved to yourself lots of times you are stronger than your Beast (desire for the buzz of the drink), just get that AV out of your earhole planting self doubt

AlbaSober

I'll just chuck that in bold because it matters so very much. The folk who are better at this than you or me talk about coping mechanisms. You've found one! A walk and then soup won the battle for you and I that's brill. Christ, even on a day like today ( cold and wet in Gabeland) the thought of coming home from a long donder to enjoy a warm shower and the warm hug of homemade soup is thing of absolute beauty!

I absolutely love walking. I love water and I love homemade soup. These three things provide unconditional love. Something we cannot find in a bottle of watered down ethanol.

venuscat

Honestly Gabe....and all of you.....these posts have knocked my socks off today. There is no better wisdom than from those who have been there and lived to tell the tale. ❤️

Gabe1980

This is brilliant, thank you. I am off for ten days from tomorrow and my aim is to read Rational Recovery over that time and to not drink. I set the goal last night and I think that it's enough to make a good start. I also think that it will really resonate with me. I have read bits and pieces about AVRT but not done the program. I can hear my AV talking to me sometimes though! I really hear it as a separate voice, so I reckon I am part way there. I just need to stop feeling so sorry for myself.