Gabe's daily check in
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
Originally Posted by Gabe1980 
God I hope so Max though I am not feeling like my head is in the place it was when it comes to commitment....I seemed okay yesterday but today I just feel like it's all a bit pointless. Not enough time on here though and that always really makes a difference.
Looking after ourselves so we can have the best quality of life?
Well, sometimes it's hard.
That's what cheesecake is for....kidding...kind of...I just got my grocery delivery with tons of fresh healthy food, plus philadelphia cheesecakes....those little tubs of philly and strawberries and cheesecake. Heaven.
We can look after ourselves and still have joy.
s
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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DAY 6...
Okay, so I am back on day 6. Have been thinking about wine all afternoon but I am not going to get any. Just the usual thoughts about how I am not working until Monday blah, blah, blah....
I think the most powerful counters at the moment are my walking and my weight. That may sound a bit shallow and it should be health, safety etc but I think about missing my walking and eating junk and it stops me. I am fluctuating a lot this week in my determination and in how I am feeling about long term recovery. I think part of it was just feeding the beast again and giving it renewed energy. The other part is that I am feeling better and that is a trigger too.
I have made some real changes but they have to be managed now. I am working three days a week, five hours a day. Much, much better in terms of stress and I have been clear with management about my boundaries to do with health, but it means a lot more free time. I need and I have earned that time.....I want to use it to spend time with family, to exercise, to rest and to try and have some fun, or at least figure out what fun is....the problem is that free time always meant drinking and recovering from drinking. I used to get so upset on holiday when I was trying to stay sober and having that time and not being able to drink.
I know it is my mindset and my attitude that I need to work on. I need to re-set and I am going to go back and read through my Reaching Out thread because I got a lot of things right and recorded on there, in relation to my thinking and motivation. I don't want to go round in circles.
I took some other steps and was a lot more open and honest with my family about my drinking and mental health. I think that helps too, it stops the secrecy and the shame. They were really supportive.
I have time now and this could be the chance to create a balanced. healthy and pretty amazing life.....so long as I DO NOT DRINK.
Gabe x
Okay, so I am back on day 6. Have been thinking about wine all afternoon but I am not going to get any. Just the usual thoughts about how I am not working until Monday blah, blah, blah....
I think the most powerful counters at the moment are my walking and my weight. That may sound a bit shallow and it should be health, safety etc but I think about missing my walking and eating junk and it stops me. I am fluctuating a lot this week in my determination and in how I am feeling about long term recovery. I think part of it was just feeding the beast again and giving it renewed energy. The other part is that I am feeling better and that is a trigger too.
I have made some real changes but they have to be managed now. I am working three days a week, five hours a day. Much, much better in terms of stress and I have been clear with management about my boundaries to do with health, but it means a lot more free time. I need and I have earned that time.....I want to use it to spend time with family, to exercise, to rest and to try and have some fun, or at least figure out what fun is....the problem is that free time always meant drinking and recovering from drinking. I used to get so upset on holiday when I was trying to stay sober and having that time and not being able to drink.
I know it is my mindset and my attitude that I need to work on. I need to re-set and I am going to go back and read through my Reaching Out thread because I got a lot of things right and recorded on there, in relation to my thinking and motivation. I don't want to go round in circles.
I took some other steps and was a lot more open and honest with my family about my drinking and mental health. I think that helps too, it stops the secrecy and the shame. They were really supportive.
I have time now and this could be the chance to create a balanced. healthy and pretty amazing life.....so long as I DO NOT DRINK.
Gabe x
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Originally Posted by venuscat
What seems pointless?
Looking after ourselves so we can have the best quality of life?
Well, sometimes it's hard.
That's what cheesecake is for....kidding...kind of...I just got my grocery delivery with tons of fresh healthy food, plus philadelphia cheesecakes....those little tubs of philly and strawberries and cheesecake. Heaven.
We can look after ourselves and still have joy. s
Looking after ourselves so we can have the best quality of life?
Well, sometimes it's hard.
That's what cheesecake is for....kidding...kind of...I just got my grocery delivery with tons of fresh healthy food, plus philadelphia cheesecakes....those little tubs of philly and strawberries and cheesecake. Heaven.
We can look after ourselves and still have joy.
sI know. The feeling pointless thing is all AV and I know that if I buy into that then I will never break this cycle. It's telling me the trying is pointless because things never change.....but they have changed already....massively.....I just have a bit more work to do.
I'm glad you are feeling better and your ankle is getting better.
You are the only person I know who loves plants as much as Steve.....our house is covered in them, it's like a jungle
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
Oooo my house is totally a jungle. I am sitting in my kitchen surrounded by well over a hundred plants.....lol.....about 50 are ready for their new homes.
This room is like my greenhouse....I am the plant lady. Or the flower lady....seems to be my neighbourhood nickname.
OK....so here is the thing....we (you and I and loads of other alcoholics) can be resentful of the fact that we are not like Steve.
We can't have a few drinks and then just leave it for a week or whatever. We have a problem with alcohol that means we can't drink.
But it doesn't mean we can't have fun!!!! We absolutely can.
And when we let go of that resentment, it is really liberating. I know it was for me. That AV is going to keep telling you otherwise until you squash it....but you will squash it.
And soon you will see that none of this is pointless....it is a fantastic journey towards having a wonderful life.
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Originally Posted by venuscat
Oooo my house is totally a jungle. I am sitting in my kitchen surrounded by well over a hundred plants.....lol.....about 50 are ready for their new homes.
This room is like my greenhouse....I am the plant lady. Or the flower lady....seems to be my neighbourhood nickname.
OK....so here is the thing....we (you and I and loads of other alcoholics) can be resentful of the fact that we are not like Steve.
We can't have a few drinks and then just leave it for a week or whatever. We have a problem with alcohol that means we can't drink.
But it doesn't mean we can't have fun!!!! We absolutely can.
And when we let go of that resentment, it is really liberating. I know it was for me.That AV is going to keep telling you otherwise until you squash it....but you will squash it.
And soon you will see that none of this is pointless....it is a fantastic journey towards having a wonderful life.
I know you are right......and I know that in the long run we are the lucky ones who get to be healthy and present in our lives and not go through it in a drunken blur thinking we are having a good time. Letting go of that resentment is hard. I think it's the hardest thing and I think I have just worked and worked so I have no free time to allow anything else in. It was a strategy to stop drinking.....but now I need to start living! And I want my life to be colourful and inspiring. I can't do that drunk.
I love that.....Flower Lady....Suze the Flower Lady
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Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
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It's not just that we can't do life drunk. It is dangerous for us. We have terrible accidents.....God knows what could happen....I learned in AA tht if I continue to drink there are only three possible outcomes for me: jail, hospital or dead.
And I did keep drinking after that Gabe, for a long time. And the only reason I didn't land in jail is that I am likeable....otherwise I would have been arrested for theft of wine and other things. (Huge shame). And I was so ill by the time I stopped drinking that I honestly thought I was dying.
It's what can and will happen.....and these things do happen.
We don't get to keep drinking and escape the consequences.
But we do get to be some of the lucky ones who stop and find peace and joy.
It just doesn't happen overnight. (like Pantene, ha ha).
And I did keep drinking after that Gabe, for a long time. And the only reason I didn't land in jail is that I am likeable....otherwise I would have been arrested for theft of wine and other things. (Huge shame). And I was so ill by the time I stopped drinking that I honestly thought I was dying.
It's what can and will happen.....and these things do happen.
We don't get to keep drinking and escape the consequences.
But we do get to be some of the lucky ones who stop and find peace and joy.
It just doesn't happen overnight. (like Pantene, ha ha
).
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Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by venuscat
It's not just that we can't do life drunk. It is dangerous for us. We have terrible accidents.....God knows what could happen....I learned in AA tht if I continue to drink there are only three possible outcomes for me: jail, hospital or dead.
And I did keep drinking after that Gabe, for a long time. And the only reason I didn't land in jail is that I am likeable....otherwise I would have been arrested for theft of wine and other things. (Huge shame). And I was so ill by the time I stopped drinking that I honestly thought I was dying.
It's what can and will happen.....and these things do happen.
We don't get to keep drinking and escape the consequences.
But we do get to be some of the lucky ones who stop and find peace and joy.
It just doesn't happen overnight. (like Pantene, ha ha).
And I did keep drinking after that Gabe, for a long time. And the only reason I didn't land in jail is that I am likeable....otherwise I would have been arrested for theft of wine and other things. (Huge shame). And I was so ill by the time I stopped drinking that I honestly thought I was dying.
It's what can and will happen.....and these things do happen.
We don't get to keep drinking and escape the consequences.
But we do get to be some of the lucky ones who stop and find peace and joy.
It just doesn't happen overnight. (like Pantene, ha ha
).Yes, I know you are right. I have had the accidents, the police at the door, the hours and hours of vomiting and passing out. I am the same....I have only got away with it for this long because I am small and I am not aggressive or violent drunk, so I have not got into that kind of trouble. I could easily kill myself, every time. It would just take one fall or choking on my vomit.....as I write that though it just doesn't seem to have the impact it should but I have certainly felt that fear. By the grace of God.......
Thank you for this....it's really helping to get my head back in the right place. That fog and denial is deadly....I have just given my AV bigger muscles again...I need to shrink him back to nothing
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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Originally Posted by Gabe1980
Hi Daytona....definitely....it really helps to check in with folks who are at the same place or stage as you are. PM me anytime and congrats on day 6 too xx
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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DAY 7....
Firstly....I am not going to drink. I still have been having wine craving but I refuse to lose my whole weekend, health and dignity because I end up on the drink again.
My husband came home from work, rolled a joint and opened a beer. I don't mind the smoking but the beer is hard. He also got a make your own beer keg thing for his birthday last week, which will be ready tomorrow. Now I get that it is his choice and that it is my choice not to drink. I also get that he has some level of control and I have none, that is why I don't drink. But it still sucks and I am still feeling like this is just going to carry on being hard. He has tried to change some of his drinking habits and he is only doing what most folks round here do on a Friday but I am sick of this whole thing and feeling sorry for myself.
Anyway, apart from that it's been a good day. I walked three miles, finished the 3rd Harry Potter on audio and made a big pot of chicken and veg soup. I am still tired and sleeping in the afternoons but that is okay too. I found out our swimming pools/gyms open in 10 days and that is massive for me. I can't wait to swim again.
I have also been trying to book a couple of social things into my week (non-alcohol related) with family. I don't socialise, hate socialising, don't really like spending time with anyone, but that has been the product of a lot of pain in the past that alcohol filled. I then used work to fill that hole and that about buried me. I realise that I need to get comfortable and closer to some of the people in my life and that this has been at the root of a lot of my emotional difficulties and relapses too.
This all just feels a bit **** just now but I know it will get better.
Firstly....I am not going to drink. I still have been having wine craving but I refuse to lose my whole weekend, health and dignity because I end up on the drink again.
My husband came home from work, rolled a joint and opened a beer. I don't mind the smoking but the beer is hard. He also got a make your own beer keg thing for his birthday last week, which will be ready tomorrow. Now I get that it is his choice and that it is my choice not to drink. I also get that he has some level of control and I have none, that is why I don't drink. But it still sucks and I am still feeling like this is just going to carry on being hard. He has tried to change some of his drinking habits and he is only doing what most folks round here do on a Friday but I am sick of this whole thing and feeling sorry for myself.
Anyway, apart from that it's been a good day. I walked three miles, finished the 3rd Harry Potter on audio and made a big pot of chicken and veg soup. I am still tired and sleeping in the afternoons but that is okay too. I found out our swimming pools/gyms open in 10 days and that is massive for me. I can't wait to swim again.
I have also been trying to book a couple of social things into my week (non-alcohol related) with family. I don't socialise, hate socialising, don't really like spending time with anyone, but that has been the product of a lot of pain in the past that alcohol filled. I then used work to fill that hole and that about buried me. I realise that I need to get comfortable and closer to some of the people in my life and that this has been at the root of a lot of my emotional difficulties and relapses too.
This all just feels a bit **** just now but I know it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
I don't know that he needs to be doing all of that in front of you.....no chance he could smoke and drink outside?
I think maybe a bit more support would be good. ❤️
I think maybe a bit more support would be good.
❤️
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by Gabe1980
DAY 7....
Firstly....I am not going to drink. I still have been having wine craving but I refuse to lose my whole weekend, health and dignity because I end up on the drink again.
My husband came home from work, rolled a joint and opened a beer. I don't mind the smoking but the beer is hard. He also got a make your own beer keg thing for his birthday last week, which will be ready tomorrow. Now I get that it is his choice and that it is my choice not to drink. I also get that he has some level of control and I have none, that is why I don't drink. But it still sucks and I am still feeling like this is just going to carry on being hard. He has tried to change some of his drinking habits and he is only doing what most folks round here do on a Friday but I am sick of this whole thing and feeling sorry for myself.
Anyway, apart from that it's been a good day. I walked three miles, finished the 3rd Harry Potter on audio and made a big pot of chicken and veg soup. I am still tired and sleeping in the afternoons but that is okay too. I found out our swimming pools/gyms open in 10 days and that is massive for me. I can't wait to swim again.
I have also been trying to book a couple of social things into my week (non-alcohol related) with family. I don't socialise, hate socialising, don't really like spending time with anyone, but that has been the product of a lot of pain in the past that alcohol filled. I then used work to fill that hole and that about buried me. I realise that I need to get comfortable and closer to some of the people in my life and that this has been at the root of a lot of my emotional difficulties and relapses too.
This all just feels a bit **** just now but I know it will get better.
Firstly....I am not going to drink. I still have been having wine craving but I refuse to lose my whole weekend, health and dignity because I end up on the drink again.
My husband came home from work, rolled a joint and opened a beer. I don't mind the smoking but the beer is hard. He also got a make your own beer keg thing for his birthday last week, which will be ready tomorrow. Now I get that it is his choice and that it is my choice not to drink. I also get that he has some level of control and I have none, that is why I don't drink. But it still sucks and I am still feeling like this is just going to carry on being hard. He has tried to change some of his drinking habits and he is only doing what most folks round here do on a Friday but I am sick of this whole thing and feeling sorry for myself.
Anyway, apart from that it's been a good day. I walked three miles, finished the 3rd Harry Potter on audio and made a big pot of chicken and veg soup. I am still tired and sleeping in the afternoons but that is okay too. I found out our swimming pools/gyms open in 10 days and that is massive for me. I can't wait to swim again.
I have also been trying to book a couple of social things into my week (non-alcohol related) with family. I don't socialise, hate socialising, don't really like spending time with anyone, but that has been the product of a lot of pain in the past that alcohol filled. I then used work to fill that hole and that about buried me. I realise that I need to get comfortable and closer to some of the people in my life and that this has been at the root of a lot of my emotional difficulties and relapses too.
This all just feels a bit **** just now but I know it will get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by venuscat
I don't know that he needs to be doing all of that in front of you.....no chance he could smoke and drink outside?
I think maybe a bit more support would be good. ❤️
I think maybe a bit more support would be good.
❤️I just needed to vent xx
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
Look at what you said....it makes you angry too....I didn't say it made me angry.
Now.....that's a pretty important place for you to start.....this may well have been weighing on you. s
You are addressing some major stuff in your life and you need support from your husband.
I am thinking maybe a good sit-down chat when the time is right....he is a lovely guy....betting he will be on board.
People don't always think, you know, just natural habits to them. But that doesn't mean they aren't willing to change things up to help.
Just my thoughts. xx ❤️❤️
Now.....that's a pretty important place for you to start.....this may well have been weighing on you.
sYou are addressing some major stuff in your life and you need support from your husband.
I am thinking maybe a good sit-down chat when the time is right....he is a lovely guy....betting he will be on board.
People don't always think, you know, just natural habits to them. But that doesn't mean they aren't willing to change things up to help.
Just my thoughts. xx ❤️❤️
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 739
Originally Posted by Gabe1980
DAY 7....
Firstly....I am not going to drink. I still have been having wine craving but I refuse to lose my whole weekend, health and dignity because I end up on the drink again.
My husband came home from work, rolled a joint and opened a beer. I don't mind the smoking but the beer is hard. He also got a make your own beer keg thing for his birthday last week, which will be ready tomorrow. Now I get that it is his choice and that it is my choice not to drink. I also get that he has some level of control and I have none, that is why I don't drink. But it still sucks and I am still feeling like this is just going to carry on being hard. He has tried to change some of his drinking habits and he is only doing what most folks round here do on a Friday but I am sick of this whole thing and feeling sorry for myself.
Anyway, apart from that it's been a good day. I walked three miles, finished the 3rd Harry Potter on audio and made a big pot of chicken and veg soup. I am still tired and sleeping in the afternoons but that is okay too. I found out our swimming pools/gyms open in 10 days and that is massive for me. I can't wait to swim again.
I have also been trying to book a couple of social things into my week (non-alcohol related) with family. I don't socialise, hate socialising, don't really like spending time with anyone, but that has been the product of a lot of pain in the past that alcohol filled. I then used work to fill that hole and that about buried me. I realise that I need to get comfortable and closer to some of the people in my life and that this has been at the root of a lot of my emotional difficulties and relapses too.
This all just feels a bit **** just now but I know it will get better.
Firstly....I am not going to drink. I still have been having wine craving but I refuse to lose my whole weekend, health and dignity because I end up on the drink again.
My husband came home from work, rolled a joint and opened a beer. I don't mind the smoking but the beer is hard. He also got a make your own beer keg thing for his birthday last week, which will be ready tomorrow. Now I get that it is his choice and that it is my choice not to drink. I also get that he has some level of control and I have none, that is why I don't drink. But it still sucks and I am still feeling like this is just going to carry on being hard. He has tried to change some of his drinking habits and he is only doing what most folks round here do on a Friday but I am sick of this whole thing and feeling sorry for myself.
Anyway, apart from that it's been a good day. I walked three miles, finished the 3rd Harry Potter on audio and made a big pot of chicken and veg soup. I am still tired and sleeping in the afternoons but that is okay too. I found out our swimming pools/gyms open in 10 days and that is massive for me. I can't wait to swim again.
I have also been trying to book a couple of social things into my week (non-alcohol related) with family. I don't socialise, hate socialising, don't really like spending time with anyone, but that has been the product of a lot of pain in the past that alcohol filled. I then used work to fill that hole and that about buried me. I realise that I need to get comfortable and closer to some of the people in my life and that this has been at the root of a lot of my emotional difficulties and relapses too.
This all just feels a bit **** just now but I know it will get better.
You're a SR racking up days machine.
Edited to add you need your husband to understand that he can drink now and that's cool but he needs to plan to be your superhero when you reach day 70 and your AV spiked. If you can a few days away or camp in the hills. I spend days early on this alone, camped by a beach in the western highlands. If you're working 3 days then this can be planned. Tents cost the price of 2 bottles of wine off amazon.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Thanks everyone.....
DAY 8 and I am really struggling not to drink.
Husband is in bed now after drinking a bottle of vodka and multiple beers. I woke up with him steaming drunk and his friend sleeping on our couch.
I have cleaned up all their mess and been for a walk. I'm gonna eat now. What a **** wkend.
DAY 8 and I am really struggling not to drink.
Husband is in bed now after drinking a bottle of vodka and multiple beers. I woke up with him steaming drunk and his friend sleeping on our couch.
I have cleaned up all their mess and been for a walk. I'm gonna eat now. What a **** wkend.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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I don't know about you Gabe, but the thoughts of what is coming to your husband on waking up after drinking all that booze turns my stomach because I remember exactly how that felt!
The first couple of hours (sometimes much less) of catching a buzz may have been fun. But then the monster craving would set in, just couldn't drink enough to sustain the buzz, if I actually managed to achieve one, then end up staggering around absolutely pissed out of my head , just an insatiable drinking machine. End up lapsing into blackout (sometimes for days). Eating shite, spending money I can't afford, making a mess of my house, vomiting, passing out. Then the absolute horror of coming down.
Fun. Not
The first couple of hours (sometimes much less) of catching a buzz may have been fun. But then the monster craving would set in, just couldn't drink enough to sustain the buzz, if I actually managed to achieve one, then end up staggering around absolutely pissed out of my head , just an insatiable drinking machine. End up lapsing into blackout (sometimes for days). Eating shite, spending money I can't afford, making a mess of my house, vomiting, passing out. Then the absolute horror of coming down.
Fun. Not
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You just described all the reasons that have kept me sober today!
The thought of that is just horrendous.....especially waking up full of booze and stinking. That will be the consequences of his actions. I will wake up feel rested and ready for a good Sunday.
I am really pissed off though. I am going to suggest us both talking to someone about this.
The thought of that is just horrendous.....especially waking up full of booze and stinking. That will be the consequences of his actions. I will wake up feel rested and ready for a good Sunday.
I am really pissed off though. I am going to suggest us both talking to someone about this.
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Originally Posted by Philemon
But then the monster craving would set in, just couldn't drink enough to sustain the buzz, if I actually managed to achieve one, then end up staggering around absolutely pissed out of my head , just an insatiable drinking machine.
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