Some hope for newbies
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Some hope for newbies
Hello newcomers.
I wanted to share a little of my experience, strength and hope with you all.
My name is Suzy and I am an alcoholic. By the Grace of a loving God, the 12 step programme and fellowship of AA and the 24 hours support of SR, I have 2 years and 4 months of continuous sobriety, one day at a time.
I started drinking alcoholically in my early 20's. When I put a drink in me I couldn't stop. I was a blackout drinker from day 1. When I wasn't drinking I was thinking about drinking. I was the ultimate party girl and alcohol gave me confidence to be (who I thought) I wanted to be. It also robbed me of my self respect, morals and dignity almost immediately and guilt, shame and remorse became my new best friends.
I drank alcoholically for nearly 25 years and as alcoholism is progressive it got getting worse. Whilst intoxicated I drove drunk, took drugs, slept with lots of different men, said spiteful and hurtful things to people I loved, was arrested and spent time in a police cell. 14 years ago I went to my first AA meeting but didnt return as I listened to the differences and not the similarities and was to continue drinking for another 11 years.
I knew I had a problem but I did not know I was an alcoholic . I would swear off alcohol and the very same day find myself with a drink in my hand despite promising myself and others no more.! I had NO DEFENSE over that first drink. I tried counselling, had lots of self help books around alcohol addiction, I was a member of many forums including women for sobriety and soberistas, I even tried taking naltrexone (not prescribed) just to help with the horrendous cravings but still I continued to drink.
After my daughter was born my alcoholism progressed rapidly. My relationship broke down, I was losing friends, my family were worried. I was prey to misery and depression, deeply unhappy but also full of fear, resentment, anger and self pity. If you had my life yoh would drink too! And it was everyone elses fault that I drank like I did!! Even though my daughter was loved and well cared for I knew I was doing her a disservice by continuing to drink but I COULD NOT STOP. I was powerless.
I found myself back in AA and I managed to gain some sober time. First a few days, then a few weeks and at one point I even managed 2 months of sobriety which was the longest I had gone without having a drink in 25 years but alcohol still had a hold over me and won out everytime.
2 years and 4 months ago, a few drinks one night led me on a 10 day binge that nearly killed me. I came out of it alive Thank God but I knew I was done. I had to be. Alcohol was my master, in total control and it was not going to stop until I was dead. I had a moment of clarity .I realised I did not want to die. Despite waking up every day for the previous 5 years wishing I was dead, I realised I wanted to live. But not how I was living (existing) I wanted to live sober.
I prayed that night. I prayed to God. I prayed to Angels. I prayed to the Universe. Please help me.!!!! Withdrawing from alcohol, full of despair and terror I googled and found Sober Recovery. I typed out a post and got many responses which brought me comfort in the middle of that dark and frightening night. 2 days later I went back to AA. For the first time i said I was an alcoholic and I didn't wince.
So what did I do? I prayed every day (and still do) for a sober day and to keep the obsession to drink from me. I went to meetings. I listened! When I wanted to drink and boy did I want to drink I would pray to not pick up then I would either phone another alcoholic or I would get straight out to a meeting. I played the tape forward. There will never be just one drink for me. It is the first drink that does the damage and it is the only drink I need to stay away from one day at a time. I would remind myself that one little drink is the cause of all the misery and shame I had ever known. I would list 10 things there and then that I was grateful for because I was NOT drinking.
I joined a class on Sober Recovery and posted daily. I read around the site and was in it constantly. After 2 months I got an AA sponsor and started working the steps and as a result of these steps, I was able to accept that I was an alcoholic, to completely surrender to the fact that I would never be able to drink moderately or safely, I got all my resentments and fears on paper and was able to face them head on and in doing so free myself from them. I have been able to make amends to those I hurt. I can now help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. As a result of not drinking,
finding a power greater than myself, clearing up the wreckage of my past, continuing to keep my side of the street clean and helping others, I have had a complete psychic change and I am not the same person who walked through the doors of AA 2 years and 4 months ago. I am not the same person who wrote that desperate first post here on SR 2 years and 4 months ago.
My recovery has not been easy. Dee or Daisybelle or Erratic can tell you that. It really has been up and down and I wanted to drink so badly so many times but instead I put in the action it took to stay sober. Because I knew that for me to drink is to die. If not physically then emotionally and spiritually.
I can honestly say that TODAY the obsession to drink has completely left me. I have no desire whatsoever. That is a miracle for an alcoholic like me who could not draw a sober breath. Sometimes if I do catch myself thinking that a glass of wine looks nice I can quickly turn that thinking around. Maybe for some it is nice. But not for me. Just one glass of wine would take me on a huge binge and into the depths of hell. I've been there before and I have no desire to go back!
Today, My life is so different. Nothing external has really changed much but on the inside everything has changed. I have peace and serenity today. I never had that when I was drinking! I am a good mum and I love spending time with my daughter. Good quality sober time. I am.a good daughter, sibling, friend and well just member of society. I have friends back in my life that I harmed when I was drinking. My relationships.are all thriving. I am able to speak my truth today and have boundaries in place. I sleep like a baby! Sober sleep and waking hangover free never ever gets old. I have so much gratitude in my life and I see and hear the beauty in all the things I never even noticed when I was drinking. The warm sun on my face, the sound of rain, the smell of the sea air, flowers in bloom, children laughing, birds singing. Dont get me wrong not all days are sugar and spice! Life is life and will throw us curveballs. But I have tools to deal with life today. Also I am human and have a range of emotions like everyone else including anger, sadness and self pity but again I pick up my tools. I do not want to pick up a drink.
As much as I love AA , I do not believe it is the only way to get sober. I know that to be true because of this amazing site,hearing other peoples experiences. I would definitely suggest finding a programme of recovery, I know some use SR alone. If it works for you then go for it. For me AA and SR are my recovery tools but I also use SMART recovery techniques as well. You can never have too much recovery in my experience.
Also, if you are just starting out, try not to think further than today. I never thought I can ever drink again in my early days. "Just for today I will not drink no matter what " was my mantra. Keeping it in the day stopped me from getting overwhelmed with the task in hand and helped stopped me thinking about my birthday or christmas in 6 months time . Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I knew I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
If I can do this then all of you can too. Alcohol is a liar. It promised me the world but it took everything from me and left me broken, desperate, terrified, lonely, despairing and bewildered. It's ultimate goal to take my life. But not today. Today I will not let alcohol have me. I can't. WE can.
🙏❤🙏❤
Sending each and everyone of you prayers of strength, courage and love.
I wanted to share a little of my experience, strength and hope with you all.
My name is Suzy and I am an alcoholic. By the Grace of a loving God, the 12 step programme and fellowship of AA and the 24 hours support of SR, I have 2 years and 4 months of continuous sobriety, one day at a time.
I started drinking alcoholically in my early 20's. When I put a drink in me I couldn't stop. I was a blackout drinker from day 1. When I wasn't drinking I was thinking about drinking. I was the ultimate party girl and alcohol gave me confidence to be (who I thought) I wanted to be. It also robbed me of my self respect, morals and dignity almost immediately and guilt, shame and remorse became my new best friends.
I drank alcoholically for nearly 25 years and as alcoholism is progressive it got getting worse. Whilst intoxicated I drove drunk, took drugs, slept with lots of different men, said spiteful and hurtful things to people I loved, was arrested and spent time in a police cell. 14 years ago I went to my first AA meeting but didnt return as I listened to the differences and not the similarities and was to continue drinking for another 11 years.
I knew I had a problem but I did not know I was an alcoholic . I would swear off alcohol and the very same day find myself with a drink in my hand despite promising myself and others no more.! I had NO DEFENSE over that first drink. I tried counselling, had lots of self help books around alcohol addiction, I was a member of many forums including women for sobriety and soberistas, I even tried taking naltrexone (not prescribed) just to help with the horrendous cravings but still I continued to drink.
After my daughter was born my alcoholism progressed rapidly. My relationship broke down, I was losing friends, my family were worried. I was prey to misery and depression, deeply unhappy but also full of fear, resentment, anger and self pity. If you had my life yoh would drink too! And it was everyone elses fault that I drank like I did!! Even though my daughter was loved and well cared for I knew I was doing her a disservice by continuing to drink but I COULD NOT STOP. I was powerless.
I found myself back in AA and I managed to gain some sober time. First a few days, then a few weeks and at one point I even managed 2 months of sobriety which was the longest I had gone without having a drink in 25 years but alcohol still had a hold over me and won out everytime.
2 years and 4 months ago, a few drinks one night led me on a 10 day binge that nearly killed me. I came out of it alive Thank God but I knew I was done. I had to be. Alcohol was my master, in total control and it was not going to stop until I was dead. I had a moment of clarity .I realised I did not want to die. Despite waking up every day for the previous 5 years wishing I was dead, I realised I wanted to live. But not how I was living (existing) I wanted to live sober.
I prayed that night. I prayed to God. I prayed to Angels. I prayed to the Universe. Please help me.!!!! Withdrawing from alcohol, full of despair and terror I googled and found Sober Recovery. I typed out a post and got many responses which brought me comfort in the middle of that dark and frightening night. 2 days later I went back to AA. For the first time i said I was an alcoholic and I didn't wince.
So what did I do? I prayed every day (and still do) for a sober day and to keep the obsession to drink from me. I went to meetings. I listened! When I wanted to drink and boy did I want to drink I would pray to not pick up then I would either phone another alcoholic or I would get straight out to a meeting. I played the tape forward. There will never be just one drink for me. It is the first drink that does the damage and it is the only drink I need to stay away from one day at a time. I would remind myself that one little drink is the cause of all the misery and shame I had ever known. I would list 10 things there and then that I was grateful for because I was NOT drinking.
I joined a class on Sober Recovery and posted daily. I read around the site and was in it constantly. After 2 months I got an AA sponsor and started working the steps and as a result of these steps, I was able to accept that I was an alcoholic, to completely surrender to the fact that I would never be able to drink moderately or safely, I got all my resentments and fears on paper and was able to face them head on and in doing so free myself from them. I have been able to make amends to those I hurt. I can now help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. As a result of not drinking,
finding a power greater than myself, clearing up the wreckage of my past, continuing to keep my side of the street clean and helping others, I have had a complete psychic change and I am not the same person who walked through the doors of AA 2 years and 4 months ago. I am not the same person who wrote that desperate first post here on SR 2 years and 4 months ago.
My recovery has not been easy. Dee or Daisybelle or Erratic can tell you that. It really has been up and down and I wanted to drink so badly so many times but instead I put in the action it took to stay sober. Because I knew that for me to drink is to die. If not physically then emotionally and spiritually.
I can honestly say that TODAY the obsession to drink has completely left me. I have no desire whatsoever. That is a miracle for an alcoholic like me who could not draw a sober breath. Sometimes if I do catch myself thinking that a glass of wine looks nice I can quickly turn that thinking around. Maybe for some it is nice. But not for me. Just one glass of wine would take me on a huge binge and into the depths of hell. I've been there before and I have no desire to go back!
Today, My life is so different. Nothing external has really changed much but on the inside everything has changed. I have peace and serenity today. I never had that when I was drinking! I am a good mum and I love spending time with my daughter. Good quality sober time. I am.a good daughter, sibling, friend and well just member of society. I have friends back in my life that I harmed when I was drinking. My relationships.are all thriving. I am able to speak my truth today and have boundaries in place. I sleep like a baby! Sober sleep and waking hangover free never ever gets old. I have so much gratitude in my life and I see and hear the beauty in all the things I never even noticed when I was drinking. The warm sun on my face, the sound of rain, the smell of the sea air, flowers in bloom, children laughing, birds singing. Dont get me wrong not all days are sugar and spice! Life is life and will throw us curveballs. But I have tools to deal with life today. Also I am human and have a range of emotions like everyone else including anger, sadness and self pity but again I pick up my tools. I do not want to pick up a drink.
As much as I love AA , I do not believe it is the only way to get sober. I know that to be true because of this amazing site,hearing other peoples experiences. I would definitely suggest finding a programme of recovery, I know some use SR alone. If it works for you then go for it. For me AA and SR are my recovery tools but I also use SMART recovery techniques as well. You can never have too much recovery in my experience.
Also, if you are just starting out, try not to think further than today. I never thought I can ever drink again in my early days. "Just for today I will not drink no matter what " was my mantra. Keeping it in the day stopped me from getting overwhelmed with the task in hand and helped stopped me thinking about my birthday or christmas in 6 months time . Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appal me if I knew I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
If I can do this then all of you can too. Alcohol is a liar. It promised me the world but it took everything from me and left me broken, desperate, terrified, lonely, despairing and bewildered. It's ultimate goal to take my life. But not today. Today I will not let alcohol have me. I can't. WE can.
🙏❤🙏❤
Sending each and everyone of you prayers of strength, courage and love.
And congrats on your sober time! 
And yes, I completely agree - waking up sober and feeling good never gets old. 
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks for sharing, Suzy!
One day at a time for is too much for me.
I just never drink now.
Seeing as it's always now, that makes it easy.
Living sober is hard, but not drinking is easy now that the switch has been flipped in my brain.
Just proof to your point that each of us has to do it our own way. As long as the way leads to never ever drinking now or today or forever, it works. We're both living proof that if we are willing and keep trying, we'll eventually get it. I'm so happy you have found your way!
O
One day at a time for is too much for me.
I just never drink now.
Seeing as it's always now, that makes it easy.
Living sober is hard, but not drinking is easy now that the switch has been flipped in my brain.
Just proof to your point that each of us has to do it our own way. As long as the way leads to never ever drinking now or today or forever, it works. We're both living proof that if we are willing and keep trying, we'll eventually get it. I'm so happy you have found your way!
O
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