Messaged my ex bf on Facebook
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 4,787
Messaged my ex bf on Facebook
And apologized for not being a great bf. I was drinking quite heavily towards the end of our relationship and he eventually dumped me. We had a nice chat and reminisced about the past. We're going to meet for coffee when he's back in the country.
It feels good to have made amends. Makes me want to contact other people I used to know and apologize.
It feels good to have made amends. Makes me want to contact other people I used to know and apologize.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
I'm glad it went well but my general advice on amends is to wait. If the next one should not go so well, you might find yourself wanting to drink.
I think its also important to recognize that amends and apologies are not the same thing.
I think its also important to recognize that amends and apologies are not the same thing.
What's the Difference between Making Amends and Offering an Apology?
Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery, whereas apologies are basically words. When you make amends, you acknowledge and align your values to your actions by admitting wrongdoing and then living by your principles.
In addiction, our actions and intentions aren't aligned. For example, we might intend to go to a friend's birthday party, but in actuality, we fail to show up for the event. While we might apologize later for missing the party, our apology consists of words rather than actions or changed behavior. And those words ring hollow when we repeatedly break our promises. So, to truly make amends, we have to offer more than words.
In recovery, our actions and intentions are aligned. An example would be telling someone how sorry you are that you stole from them and actually giving back what you took.
Hazelden 'Making amends in addiction recovery'
Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery, whereas apologies are basically words. When you make amends, you acknowledge and align your values to your actions by admitting wrongdoing and then living by your principles.
In addiction, our actions and intentions aren't aligned. For example, we might intend to go to a friend's birthday party, but in actuality, we fail to show up for the event. While we might apologize later for missing the party, our apology consists of words rather than actions or changed behavior. And those words ring hollow when we repeatedly break our promises. So, to truly make amends, we have to offer more than words.
In recovery, our actions and intentions are aligned. An example would be telling someone how sorry you are that you stole from them and actually giving back what you took.
Hazelden 'Making amends in addiction recovery'
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
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Yoohoo,
I discovered the awkward way that making amends or apologizing for past behavior worked much better when it happened organically. Rather than sitting down with my fully charged phone and opening up my contacts list - I figured out that waiting to apologize seemed to go over a lot more smoothly if the person in question and I were already having a conversation.
I came to this conclusion when I discovered that not everyone was interested in hearing from me. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I had also realized that timing is EVERYTHING and just because I felt amped and ready to jump on the amends train didn't mean others were too.
Just a little food for thought.
I discovered the awkward way that making amends or apologizing for past behavior worked much better when it happened organically. Rather than sitting down with my fully charged phone and opening up my contacts list - I figured out that waiting to apologize seemed to go over a lot more smoothly if the person in question and I were already having a conversation.
I came to this conclusion when I discovered that not everyone was interested in hearing from me. ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I had also realized that timing is EVERYTHING and just because I felt amped and ready to jump on the amends train didn't mean others were too.
Just a little food for thought.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Hi, its great that your message was received in a positive way by your x...and I'm glad that you weren't "rejected" because rejection for me in early sobriety is something I try to stay far away from.....And I understand the "urge" because it felt so good to show your "good" side to someone that your alcohol has harmed....and again, this time it worked out for the best for you...
I have learned over many relapses...the best thing for me to do in early sobriety is focus on the things I have to do to keep myself...happy, content and safe....For the first year of me not drinking in 2005 I did not visit my Mother because she was a "trigger" for me.
You sound "happy" and productive and just keep going and focusing on you right now and like someone posted...situations will "organically" happen and if you are sober you will be ready to handle whatever comes your way.
You sound good....keep going
I have learned over many relapses...the best thing for me to do in early sobriety is focus on the things I have to do to keep myself...happy, content and safe....For the first year of me not drinking in 2005 I did not visit my Mother because she was a "trigger" for me.
You sound "happy" and productive and just keep going and focusing on you right now and like someone posted...situations will "organically" happen and if you are sober you will be ready to handle whatever comes your way.
You sound good....keep going
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,386
I agree with everyone here FF. Overall, congrats that it went well and I am happy for you but yes, be careful about that and I also agree that maybe it should happen naturally or at least a little further down in your recovery. Isn't making amends/apology one of the AA steps?
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
After I had passed my first year in sobriety I was tempted to send an email to my ex-wife apologizing for the hell I had put her through during our marriage. Since we didn't have kids there had been zero contact after she left me. Between the time she left me and my first sober anniversary nearly four years had passed.
I started formulating the note in my head before I was going to write it down. At some point while I was brainstorming I realized that my intentions were not pure and that I wasn't trying to send a letter to apologize. What I truly wanted was to somehow meddle my way back into her life.
How would my letter benefit her in any way? "Hey I know we haven't seen or spoken to each other in four years and you've likely moved on with your life. Guess what...I'm sober and happy now. Sorry I couldn't accomplish this while we were married and I was an awful husband instead. Hope you're doing well!"
Instead I just let her go and I pray that she has found happiness without me. I make my amends by not being the piece of garbage I was in my past life.
I started formulating the note in my head before I was going to write it down. At some point while I was brainstorming I realized that my intentions were not pure and that I wasn't trying to send a letter to apologize. What I truly wanted was to somehow meddle my way back into her life.
How would my letter benefit her in any way? "Hey I know we haven't seen or spoken to each other in four years and you've likely moved on with your life. Guess what...I'm sober and happy now. Sorry I couldn't accomplish this while we were married and I was an awful husband instead. Hope you're doing well!"
Instead I just let her go and I pray that she has found happiness without me. I make my amends by not being the piece of garbage I was in my past life.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
It didn't happen often, but I imagine I'd have done better had I not hit the "Send" button after writing something that I regretted writing before I was even finished writing it.
Uncertainty, doubt, and the pressure to reflect on our lives may make some people feel pushed to reconnect with their exes or other people and things that help us to feel safer, less vulnerable. A lot more time to do it now for a lot of people.
An increase in the intensity of feelings, such as loneliness and those attached to happier times, such as nostalgia and a sense of security, can easily provide additional pressure to act.
But you're not alone.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...exes-right-now
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/29/s...s-texting.html
Uncertainty, doubt, and the pressure to reflect on our lives may make some people feel pushed to reconnect with their exes or other people and things that help us to feel safer, less vulnerable. A lot more time to do it now for a lot of people.
An increase in the intensity of feelings, such as loneliness and those attached to happier times, such as nostalgia and a sense of security, can easily provide additional pressure to act.
But you're not alone.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...exes-right-now
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/29/s...s-texting.html
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