Wegoagain

Hi all, have not posted in a while.

im trying my hardest. I’m currently on step 9 with my sponser but I still can’t stop fantasising about drinking...I do play the tape forward and I know where it ends but the AV is really loud at the moment , to such an extent that I’m contemplating divorce so I can drink freely.

i am fully aware it is madness and I don’t think I’ll act on it but I just need to hear it gets better because I have friends at aa who relapsed after 12, 15 and 32 years and it makes me feel this fantasy will never go...

Thanks!

Dee74

Hi wegoagain

I think all of is find that AV quiets down at different points. I can definitely reassure you that things do get better

I started working on a sober life I love - I couldn't live my old life as that was all about drinking; I needed a new life that reflected the hopes aspirations and values of sober me.

Do you feel like you've started on that process yet ? it really helped me make recovery a permanent kind of deal.

Posting here regularly really helped too - even if you have a sponsor and AA, I think a daily check in here can really help focus you on recovery every day

D

Steely

It will get better Wegoagain.

I relapsed sfter 5 years but don't think I understood it as well as I do now. I've come to know that I can never drink again. See Dee's video link, "Wasted".

I did not live in constant craving during my 5 years, my life was good. Thought after 5 years I must be "cured". I was not. Eight months for me now and am so very grateful.

It does get better Wegoagain. Alcohol is not what is cracked up to be. You'll be so disappointed in yourself if you pick up after awesome 156 days. It shows the craziness of our drinking when we consider divorce so as to "drink freely." And no such thing as freedom in drinking for an "alcoholic".

I hope you are talking with your sponsor about the way you are feeling.

Wegoagain

Thanks Dee and Steely for your thorough advice. I REALLY appreciate it.

i do talk to my sponser and He says similar things. I do need to change my habits but I think fear stops me...

I will keep going and be aware it is all a trick and I need to change my behaviours. I am just struggling massively but I won’t give in - these 156 days have been the hardest battle I’ve ever faced. I couldn’t bear to throw it away.

Awake61

Yes, watch Wasted. It was a godsend for me to watch.

Kaily

Hi Wegoagain, there is no way you want to throw away those hard fought for, 156 days.

My AV/cravings were also slow to let up, relentless and drove me mad. I am now 21 months sober and thankfully only have them occasionally and comparatively mild. Still annoying, but they don't stay around too long.

Wanting to divorce your wife to drink is pure addiction. In your heart is that really what you want?

Keep going, it truly does get easier - one day you will realise, I didn't think about drinking today.

Sober45

If alcohol were to be erased from the earth, how do you think you would react? Would you still crave it or would you move on, because it no longer exists.

In previous quits (longest was 53 days), I was miserable because I felt like something was taken from me that I should be able to have...why can't I just be normal and drink like other people! There was always a feeling of me being not quite up to par with the normal people. And therefore I wasn't convinced that life would get better.

This quit (I'm over 7 months), I figuratively removed alcohol from the face of the earth and took in a lot of information that allowed me to develop a feeling of disdain towards it. I think anyone who needs to drink a toxic substance for pleasure is missing something from their lives.

Now I'm like the preaching reformed smoker that everyone hates. But I don't crave so they can hate me all they want.

Also, I NEVER EVER allow thoughts of drinking to brew in my head. As soon as the AV acts up, I purposefully redirect my thinking into somethings else and/or distract myself. This has literally been a full time job for me. But things are moving to autopilot and if there was ever a labour of love, it is this.

I also indulge in other things during my drinking time. Last night it was Ben & Jerry's non-dairy Ice-cream. I wouldn't be enjoying life at all right now if I didn't have something to look forward to for enjoyment. I love movies now too. It's funny, because I loved movies as a child but lost interest in adulthood....I guess that what alcohol does to us....it takes away our true nature.

Does happiness exist in sobriety?...100% YES. Keep going and you will get there because one thing is for sure, alcohol has nothing to offer but delusions.

DriGuy

When it gets better varies between people, but I do believe it's possible to lead a joyful sober life for anyone. Unfortunately, observations of others do not support that belief. Yet I still hold to it. If I could accurately explain why some people don't get it, I could write a book and be rich. Bill Wilson wrote that some people are incapable of getting sober, and he implied it was because they were incapable of being honest with themselves. That may be a part of it, but it's far short of a complete picture. Fact is, my good friend and one time sponsor was not entirely honest with himself, but he was one happy sober guy, and he's coming up on 30 years about now. So honesty or at least some degree of honesty is probably a part of the puzzle. Some need more of it, and some apparently don't. It would be hard to say that there is one magic button that unlocks successful recovery. It's probably a combination of mental reorganizations that need to take place, because alcoholism is a complex problem.

I can't explain this very well, but I attribute my success to some undefinable quality that took hold inside of me. I think it was commitment driven by self hatred for being a pitiful drunk. I wanted to be free of self-loathing, and recognized that quitting was entirely up to me. Also, reaching out to others was up to me. In fact, every step I needed to take was up to me, and I was willing to take any step necessary to avoid the alternative.

I was also blessed with confidence and joy early on, so I saw the results of my efforts right away, which inspired me to continuing taking whatever steps were still necessary.

The point is that I felt a massive shift happening inside of me. It was changing my perceptions, my behavior, and my view of myself. There were no more "Poor me. I can't have a drink" obsessions that I would even tolerate. I think that no matter what path you follow, you need to be ready to fully commit, and accept that things need to change, and you need to be willing to lock on to those changes.

Some early in sobriety person started a thread about a year ago, where she stated that she had adopted a new thing about alcohol. She would walk down the wine isle at the store and say, "---- YOU," to the wine bottles. I loved that one, because I had done the very same thing early on too, and I was surprised at how many others confessed to doing the same thing. When you can do that, not out of fear or hate, but because you truly don't want anything alcohol has to offer, I think you may be on your way. Given time, alcohol just drops out of your life. Don't quit before the "miracle" happens.

biminiblue

If it's of any use to you...right at six months I had a significant battle with drinking thoughts - and I've heard many others say the same. For me that was the last significant "battle" I've done with alcohol.

Wegoagain

Thanks for these brilliant and detailed responses! I feel very blessed to get such great advice.

LumenandNyx

What would you do if someone you half-love half-despise was screaming at you in your face? Would you stand there and take it or might you just turn around and walk away?

As long as you give your AV authority and a spotlight - it will interfere in your life.
Learn to turn your back on it and things will quiet down.

brighterday1234

May help to get brutally honest with yourself about what drinking actually gives you. Also in my experience drinking is merely a symptom of a feeling of dis-ease so it’s likely you don’t want to feel something and so want to block it out/run away from it hence why you crave alcohol. Once the spiritual malady goes away then the cravings for alcohol also do in my experience. This takes a different length of time for different individuals. The trick is to not give up before the miracle happens.

least

I would suggest that you start practicing gratitude every day to shore up your sobriety. It's helped me a lot, not only my sobriety, but it's made me a happier person. Try it!