4 years today, for newcomers <3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
4 years today, for newcomers <3
Four years ago I was drunk for the last time. It was just another night that was the end of a day about which there was exactly nothing special and there was no significance to it. I didn't get arrested, nothing unusually dramatic took place to land me on the path of sobriety. Probably, when I posted here the next morning, I came off as any other person who comes to SR after a night of drinking, saying they want to stop, only to disappear and reappear some time later saying the same thing. That had, after all, been my pattern for the previous five years.
The reason that this was my last night of drinking, though, was that I decided to do something different. I thought what the hell, I will follow their advice. I will stick close by the forums, I will post before I drink, I will do what the mods and old timers did, I will employ their modes of thinking, I will listen. I'm different than they are, but I can't be that different because I've been secretly visiting a substance abuse forum for five years, posting here and there, and there's no reason I'm not sober except for my own behavior. So when someone suggested I join the August class, I joined. When people talked about gratitude, I stifled my inner gag reflex and decided I was going to force myself to be grateful, it can't be worse than being hung over. I put one day in front of another, I posted and read and breathed and slept and ate whatever I wanted and didn't drink and didn't drink and didn't drink. If I thought about drinking, I played the tape forward. I could barely function the first week, as I recall, it was almost impossible to concentrate and I bet I was very difficult to be around. I went for long walks with my dog, laid on the couch, and gave myself a break about everything in the world with the small, huge exception of drinking. Days turned into weeks and months and now years. It got so much easier, and so much better.
There wasn't anything special about that day. I know I already said this but it's worth repeating, because to me, I thought my sobriety date needs to be special. I like special dates and number sequences. It should be New Years! It should be 7/7! I like a good story. It should be a day that I really demonstrated to myself and the world that I needed to stop. I should quit when I've done one special thing that really proves I'm an alcoholic. So much individualistic thinking there. As if a good fifteen years of problem drinking wasn't enough. When I look at the post I made the morning I decided to stop drinking, it's clear as day. "I don't like drunk me". And you know what? That's still true. So much has changed in four years, but that has not changed. I still don't like drunk me, but I do like sober me, and I have forgiven drunk me for being so... drunk.
Sobriety used to be a word that was a little ooky spooky to me. I'm a badass, and badasses aren't "sober". We're electric, exciting, interesting people. We say what we think and do what we want. I might want to be sober, but I don't want that word. That was another hangup I had to put aside. And you know what? I'm much more of an electric, exciting, interesting person now that I don't poison myself with neurotoxins every day. Objectively, my life is much better than it was, in a material sense. I am healthier, I have better relationships, I sleep better, I'm more productive, and I'm happier. Subjectively, the biological chaos in my brain from daily ingestion of ethanol subsided and allowed me to do the hard but worthwhile work of coming back to, and in some ways, into for the first time, an existence that is rooted in authenticity.
To think that a series of little tiny habits serving as replacements for what is culturally considered to be a social lubricant could create such a profound change in a person is pretty remarkable. And it's true. For me, the tools to get to where I am now were all garnered here, from SR. The work was mine. I'm totally not ******** you, I am GRATEFUL AF. The gratitude I have for sobriety, and being alive as I am today, is immeasurable. I'd say it was a miracle but really, the miracle is that you're alive today, and what's immeasurable is the ripple effect of doing these simple things a little differently, every day, and making it a way of life.
Life is still life and this year life has been exceptionally weird for me, as it has for nearly everyone in the world and perhaps especially in the US. When it dawned on me that we're living through a Significant Historical Event of Consequence, and that materially I was going to face some serious changes and consequences, I was grateful to be sober. If you guys are out there, hemming and hawing or maybe in a little denial or feeling lost and hopeless or anything else that brings you to this forum, and still reading this, I hope you stick around, listen to each other, talk to each other, employ the advice, don't drink today. If I can do it, believe me, I know you can, too.
Happy 4 years to me, woot woot! I love you SR and thank you. I'm in the middle of some major work on my house, which I'm selling soon because I'm moving to a part of the country to which I am better suited than the great Lone Star state. Online School is out for now and I'm using this time to get my ducks in a row for the move. Busy Busy! I hope you all stay safe from the virus. I have a fabulous mask with shark teeth sewn on it, just because.
In Gratitude,
Bex
The reason that this was my last night of drinking, though, was that I decided to do something different. I thought what the hell, I will follow their advice. I will stick close by the forums, I will post before I drink, I will do what the mods and old timers did, I will employ their modes of thinking, I will listen. I'm different than they are, but I can't be that different because I've been secretly visiting a substance abuse forum for five years, posting here and there, and there's no reason I'm not sober except for my own behavior. So when someone suggested I join the August class, I joined. When people talked about gratitude, I stifled my inner gag reflex and decided I was going to force myself to be grateful, it can't be worse than being hung over. I put one day in front of another, I posted and read and breathed and slept and ate whatever I wanted and didn't drink and didn't drink and didn't drink. If I thought about drinking, I played the tape forward. I could barely function the first week, as I recall, it was almost impossible to concentrate and I bet I was very difficult to be around. I went for long walks with my dog, laid on the couch, and gave myself a break about everything in the world with the small, huge exception of drinking. Days turned into weeks and months and now years. It got so much easier, and so much better.
There wasn't anything special about that day. I know I already said this but it's worth repeating, because to me, I thought my sobriety date needs to be special. I like special dates and number sequences. It should be New Years! It should be 7/7! I like a good story. It should be a day that I really demonstrated to myself and the world that I needed to stop. I should quit when I've done one special thing that really proves I'm an alcoholic. So much individualistic thinking there. As if a good fifteen years of problem drinking wasn't enough. When I look at the post I made the morning I decided to stop drinking, it's clear as day. "I don't like drunk me". And you know what? That's still true. So much has changed in four years, but that has not changed. I still don't like drunk me, but I do like sober me, and I have forgiven drunk me for being so... drunk.
Sobriety used to be a word that was a little ooky spooky to me. I'm a badass, and badasses aren't "sober". We're electric, exciting, interesting people. We say what we think and do what we want. I might want to be sober, but I don't want that word. That was another hangup I had to put aside. And you know what? I'm much more of an electric, exciting, interesting person now that I don't poison myself with neurotoxins every day. Objectively, my life is much better than it was, in a material sense. I am healthier, I have better relationships, I sleep better, I'm more productive, and I'm happier. Subjectively, the biological chaos in my brain from daily ingestion of ethanol subsided and allowed me to do the hard but worthwhile work of coming back to, and in some ways, into for the first time, an existence that is rooted in authenticity.
To think that a series of little tiny habits serving as replacements for what is culturally considered to be a social lubricant could create such a profound change in a person is pretty remarkable. And it's true. For me, the tools to get to where I am now were all garnered here, from SR. The work was mine. I'm totally not ******** you, I am GRATEFUL AF. The gratitude I have for sobriety, and being alive as I am today, is immeasurable. I'd say it was a miracle but really, the miracle is that you're alive today, and what's immeasurable is the ripple effect of doing these simple things a little differently, every day, and making it a way of life.
Life is still life and this year life has been exceptionally weird for me, as it has for nearly everyone in the world and perhaps especially in the US. When it dawned on me that we're living through a Significant Historical Event of Consequence, and that materially I was going to face some serious changes and consequences, I was grateful to be sober. If you guys are out there, hemming and hawing or maybe in a little denial or feeling lost and hopeless or anything else that brings you to this forum, and still reading this, I hope you stick around, listen to each other, talk to each other, employ the advice, don't drink today. If I can do it, believe me, I know you can, too.
Happy 4 years to me, woot woot! I love you SR and thank you. I'm in the middle of some major work on my house, which I'm selling soon because I'm moving to a part of the country to which I am better suited than the great Lone Star state. Online School is out for now and I'm using this time to get my ducks in a row for the move. Busy Busy! I hope you all stay safe from the virus. I have a fabulous mask with shark teeth sewn on it, just because.
In Gratitude,
Bex
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 224
Great post Bex. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing this.
I hit the three years sober mark on July 13 and can relate to much of
what you’ve said.
And I’m with you—I feel so much gratitude.
Congratulations to you on four years sober!
I hit the three years sober mark on July 13 and can relate to much of
what you’ve said.
And I’m with you—I feel so much gratitude.
Congratulations to you on four years sober!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Thanks Dee! I almost forgot it this year, but I went to Costco for canned seltzer and they’d started carrying my favorite brand (Polar) which had always been impossible to find in this part of the country, and came home all giddy with two cases of it, declaring that we needed to celebrate, and that’s when I remembered that I had a better reason. 
I hope you’re staying well, I like your silly avatar. -b
I hope you’re staying well, I like your silly avatar. -b
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope every newbie reads your post. I have 7 months now and I'm doing a lot of what you did. Very validating to read your words and so uplifting to see you have 4 years and are happy and productive!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
