Noam19

1 week ago today I drank. It was after 16 days of not drinking. The craving came on strong and shows just how morbid that AV can be. The wife of one of my friends from high school passed away. They were in the middle of a painful divorce and much of it had to do with her mental health issues and alcoholism. Apparently she fell in the bathroom and hit her head in the middle of the night while drunk. I heard about this in the morning. Whatever the reason, all I could think about was alcohol for the rest of the day. I finally caved and by 9 pm I was blackout drunk, but luckily never really moved from the couch. Once again my children cried, once again my wife yelled. So that was the first part of the week.

I was supposed to attend an annual canoe trip this past weekend as well. In fact the friend who's wife died was supposed to attend. After Monday I had called another friend to let him know I wasn't going to join them until Friday. My plan at that point was to skip the Thursday and first half of Friday brewery tour. I could at least reduce my drinking by that much. But as we got closer and I reflected more I just knew in my gut that I needed to stay home. So I did and later in the week I backed out on short notice. Of course they were all disappointed. I told a couple of my closest friends, at a high level, that I had promised my wife to work on drinking and just needed to sit this one out. All the others I said some family stuff came up, everyone was ok, but I needed to address some things. The rest of the weekend I saw all the texts, pictures, saw how much they all enjoyed this one time a year we all get to see each other. I REALLY missed it. I was emotional all day Friday and Saturday. It wasn't because I wasn't there drinking, it was missing out on the brotherhood and camaraderie. Now, I do have to say that seeing some of them passed out on the river made me laugh because I knew that how they were going to feel the next day and that I was going to feel great in comparison. Sitting here today, I feel good that I made the right decision. It was hard, but it was right. My goal is that by the time the trip rolls around next year that I have a year under my belt and I can attend alcohol free.

Another silver lining was that I had a great talk with both my boys. I swear my 12 year old could be a sponsor for people right now! He is so wise in some ways. But I told them things about my struggles that I haven't even told my wife. I was vulnerable and I think they appreciated it. I also let them ask me any questions that they had. What really moved me is that they both said in their own way that I do so much for the family and work so hard, that it makes them super sad to see the person I become when I drink, and that they are fearful for my health. I love them so much. I know they always say not to get sober for other people, but damn do they deserve it. Sobriety is definitely a gift I'm giving to myself, but I'm going to share that gift with them.

So I'm on day 7, or as some would say day 23 out of 24 (95.8% success rate). I'm not giving up.

Cityboy

Congrats on the sober time thus far.

Sorry to hear about your friend's wife.

After having read so much testimony here on SR about terrible relapses and so forth, I'm treating it like a yes or no thing. 95% success rate apparently does not apply to drinking. It's one of the few all or nothings in life. I would probably not bother to go through that first 30 days again so I'm treating it like my only shot at living life. Maybe I'm missinterpreting this in your post, but you can just forget about any type of drinking management at all. There simply is no evidence at all to support the notion that an alcoholic can manage his or her drinking.

I was torn about going on a big annual buddy fishing trip when I was three months into sobriety earlier this year. InBev stock goes up a few points when we have that trip, LOL. Covid sorted it out for me that time. Had another big trip in June, five months in. Did that one and had a great time without drinking even though almost everyone else was drinking like a fish.

I've talked with my wife and kid about it some. The only real sources of helpful information and support have come from here, from a couple of friends who have been through it also, and from a couple of AA meetings.

As much as I wanted to be a better husband and father, it would have never happened with that as the main focus. Too many other factors that had to be dealt with.

Sober45

What a touching post. I can relate. My daughter is 18 years old. My drinking really affected her so there is no doubt, she is a big part of my motivation. A few months before I stopped, I was buying alcohol for her. I told myself it's better for her to to drink at home under my guidance then to be out doing who knows what. What a joke! I gave it to her to shut her up...end of.

One thing I learned, is my daughter drinks like I do. She recognizes this. Today, we BOTH have over 7 months without alcohol. She respects me now and says she's never going to drink (my fingers are crossed). No matter what I'm feeling, I've vowed to never break her trust. If I break her trust, then I believe she will not learn the value and importance of keeping her word for others. We are the parents, after all.

But yes, I'm doing this for me, too.

From 2017-2019, my husband and I were working on a piece of land in a remote area. Last fall, we finished it. It's situated next to my parents and others who basically all go there to drink. Heck, that was my intentions, to have a place where I could drink, uninhibited (like my mother does). And now, here I am in 2020, sober. I would not have been able to go there in my first few months of sobriety, but I have gone since. We did 4 trips in May & June. I was surrounded by alcohol. I went in with a good attitude and drank all kinds of soda drinks (they really did help).

Honestly though, now that I'm 7 months sober, I'm losing interest in going there. What seemed so great in my drinking days, is losing it's appeal. I'd rather putter around my back yard pulling up weeds and follow up with some good food and a movie. But this is still early days for me so my feelings on this could change at any time! My point is, if you give it til next year, you'll be in a different place mentally and whatever decision you make, you'll probably feel very solid in doing so (no guilt or shame).

Don't ever give up, you will get there.

Noam19

Cityboy, thanks for your reply. I too am focused on it being all or nothing, but many people relapse and get so down on themselves for being back to day 1. But depending on how long they had gone, I just think it's wrong to say "well you failed, you're back to day 1, you should be ashamed." I think people should re-evaluate as to why they slipped up, but the fact is any day not drinking is a success. If they're able to put together 10 days, or 10 months, that's a heck of a success rate. That's all I meant by 95.8%. I'm batting 1.000 over the past 7 days! Plan on keeping that streak alive.

Cityboy

"I just think it's wrong to say "well you failed, you're back to day 1, you should be ashamed." "

- Certainly, and hope that I didn't come across as saying that. Many here have shared about their little slip ups and huge terrible relapses. In the beginning (January), I fully expected that I would soon be able to go back to drinking on special occasions and so forth. Now it's more like, why on earth would I want to do that?, even without the risk of having a terrible relapse.

Our big trip when I was five months in sounds similar to the trip you described. At five months it was not a problem at all for me, and if I can do it, you can do it.

LumenandNyx

Maybe you're different, but it took me no time at all to realize that every time I relapsed it was because the sun came up, or went down, or it was a sunny day, or it was a cloudy day, or I heard a car door slam, or my big toe itched, or my phone rang, or it didn't ring... Do you get where I'm going with this? There was never anything for me to re-evaluate. I drank because I chose to drink because I wanted alcohol - that's it. Plain and simple.

I think any day not drinking is a success and I also think it's a serious downer to put in a lot of hard work to stay sober day after day only to relapse for no good reason, because there are none, and then have to start counting sober days from day one again. I did it - literally - about 50 times. It gets real old.

MaximusD

Good read Noam and what happened to your friends wife is what could happen to any one of us if we relapse.

Dee74

Hi Noam

I’m very sorry for your loss and for your decision to drink, but i’m glad you’re back on the right track and congratulations on your week!

I think you made a good call on the trip. i missed a few parties and get togethers too. 13 years later it’s not an issue. I’m glad I made those tough choices because I think it’s part of the reason why I’m still sober today.

You will have years of camaraderie and brotherhood to celebrate - you’ll catch up!