Lilac0505

Into day 2. Feel super down. I don’t want to get out of bed and spent the entire day yesterday in bed recovering from a binge. So now I’m sore and feel more depressed. I just feel like a terrible person. I really messed up this time by letting my feelings get the best of me and saying things to people I shouldn’t have. This is my own mother who I have no contact with. She’s very narcissistic and has done some pretty incredibly awful things as of late. Everything I texted her she made screenshots of and sent to my entire family including my husband saying “just thought you should be aware”. The thing is no matter what I say everyone believes her. I’m definitely the scapegoat of the family and she knows how to gaslight me into losing my **** while she plays the victim. I know I need to probably see someone to get over all the anger I have for this woman but it’s almost like she drives me to a point where I feel crazy with all the lies she tells and trying to turn people against me. Felt worthless my whole life.

Anna

Lilac, good for you for getting to Day 2. It's really common to feel emotional and depressed in the very early days. Your body, mind and spirit need some time to heal. As days and weeks go by, hopefully your depression will ease up.

My suggestion is to focus on yourself and staying sober and to not worry about what your mother is doing. You will need all your energy to stop drinking and you can't change things that have happened. I'm sorry for what your mother has done to hurt you, but don't let that consume you right now.

You are not worthless and I think your recovery will help you to understand that.

Mary88

You are definitely not worthless.

Very sorry about your mother. That sounds horrible to deal with. I think when you are sober awhile you may find it easier to deal with the situation. For now, it's probably best to focus on your healing and recovery.

It's normal to feel very down on Day 2. Hope you are able to get some rest. There are better days ahead of you, I'm sure.

owen90

You will experience extreme mood swings but I promise you it gets easier. You won't feel this down forever. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to think about all of the negative things that have happened to you. This recovery is about you. You are not worthless. Hang in there

Lilac0505

Thank you for the kind replies. I’m just a super sensitive person so knowing people who I have done so much for suddenly turn on me because of her just makes me feel really bad about myself. I’m making myself get out of bed and shower and eat.

Bethany57

I'm so sorry you are hurting. The best thing you can do (maybe sweet revenge) is to get sober and be the best person you can be. You can do this! One day at a time. By this time next week you will be feeling a lot better. Wishing you all the best and stay close to SR.

Kaily

It is all the aftermath of drinking. You are probably giving it so much more thought than anyone else is. I remember feeling like the whole world was talking about me and my antics. In truth they weren't that interested.

You can prove everyone wrong when you blossom into a sober Lilac.

Hevyn

Lilac - I like what Kaily said. You'll never be out of control again - no one will have an opportunity to take advantage of your weaker moments. I had a similar thing happen to me & it was such a relief to get healthy & strong - to allow the real me to emerge and shine. I didn't get sober for anyone but myself, but being able to hold my head up & walk tall meant everything. Feeling low in these early days is normal. Things are going to get so much better.

Dee74

I'm sorry to read you're down and very sorry to read about your mother, Lilac.
Honestly I think the best thing you can do is stay sober - don't give toxic people ammunition to shoot you with.

I was the neighbourhood drunk.
I turned my reputation around - you can too.

You're not worthless - and you can prove it

Hope you feel better soon!
D

Lilac0505

Thanks everyone for the replies. They are helping. You are right Dee, I’m giving the toxic ammunition and that’s why I’m so disappointed in myself. Had not drank for a month and then was very triggered by all the drama and instead of letting it go punished myself.

Dee74

I understand being disappointed in yourself but you're better off to use that energy to build yourself up, not tear yourself down.
Its easy to believe the nasty things peopel say7, but they;re just not true.

We're all much more than the worst thing we've ever done

D

least

Alcohol is a depressant, I was always depressed when I was drinking. I always felt worthless. I promise you, that depressed feeling will go away the longer you're sober. Don't focus on others and what they (may or may not) think of you. Focus on yourself, living sober. A much better way to spend your energy.

Misssy2

This seems completely normal as compared to what happens to me after a binge...the thing with your "Mom" I've always had a really bad thing with my Mom..and we haven't spoken in 3 years....But, during recovery from any alcohol binge...I definetly feel more down and more hard on myself....Alcohol really does mess with the brain neurons...

If I am depressed prior to a binge you can for certain KNOW that if I binge drink I am going to be way further down in the dumps coming off the binge and I have noticed a pattern with my "recoveries" for me...it takes about 7days before the very DARK depression and very INTENSE anxiety start to come down to my baseline depression and anxiety that is always present.

Seems you have a long term thing of anger going with your Mom....and you know it is not you...or it is not all you but after a binge....its easy to feel down like this...How about you just worry about taking care of you...and not worry what your Mom is sending everyone...and if they want to side with her....than there is nothing you can do about it.....not in your control.

I want to tell you that I think in a few more days you will feel a little better....and to make sure in the meantime you block the negative out because you are giving yourself enough negative talk...take care of your body....and think of better days ahead in the future...
I know how you feel...and it sux...being sad and broken sucks....and alcohol makes it worse.

Plure

You’re doing great and definitely not worthless! And for what it’s worth my relationship with my mom is pretty bad historically so don’t feel alone in that regard. Honestly, family can be the worst sometimes.

Philemon

Hi Lilac sorry you are feeling low. As people say, you will start to feel better as the withdrawals come to a close.
I was my fathers scapegoat so I have an idea what you are talking about.
One thing about true narcissists, they are fantastic at projecting their own faults onto other people and then "punishing" them for them. Infact, you can get to know a lot about them by listening to what they falsely accuse you of being.
Gaslighting is a cruel sport of theirs, makes them feel the superior, puppet masters extraordinaire, causing drama and mayhem because they feel good when others feel inferior and bad. They just don't feel empathy for anyone, or much of anything for anyone come to that, people are to be used to supply emotional energy to them, good or bad, all the same to them. As long as they get that attention, it makes them feel alive, because they are dead inside.
They usually pick as their victims people who have qualities they don't and are envious of.
They also excel in doing what you describe, isolating a person and getting the "pack" on their side to back them up.
They like to use passionate, emotional people because they get the most "returns" from them.

You cannot win with these people as you already know, since you say you cut contact with her. Every time you tangle with her you will come off worst, everyone with real human emotion does, they suck you dry of every emotion you have.
Don't let someone with stunted understanding of what it is to be a "real" person colour your view of yourself.
You need to develop your own self esteem. Know who and what you are and who and what you are NOT. Peel off her shite from your psyche and place it back where it belongs, with her.
Have you looked at SMART tools?
There is one called USA (unconditional self acceptance) that might be worth you looking at
https://www.smartrecovery.org/video-...?highlight=UsA

ZIP

Sorry to hear of your family issues. I'm sure many folks can relate to the insensitivity of particular family members.
Your sobriety should come first---and it's your journey. So, you do for you...especially in the early days of becoming alcohol free.
Our goal is that positive outcome, with less negativity along the way.

MaximusD

Lilac, I truly believe that you need to focus just on you and your sobriety. Then, or maybe concurrently get a therapist to start working through your Mother stuff. I will tell you, for me, there would be no greater victory than to get myself under control and begin to ignore the drama from Mom. I think if you did that she would probably come harder at you. Seems she likes to do this. Just focus on you right now and not drinking this hour. This thread was yesterday so hoping to see a newer thread soon with updates.

WaterOx

Hello and thanks for sharing. I can relate to this situation. I know this is easier said than done but I would seriously consider going "no contact" with her. There are resources and support when it comes to dealing with a narcissist. The bottom line is there's no winning nor any good that comes of it.

I went no contact 10 years ago. No regrets.

I wish you good luck and support. I'm glad you came.

Wastinglife

Lilac, I understand. I have a brother who I can't stand in the same way you have difficulty with your mother. My brother is a complete moron who doesn't realize he is a moron. He only sees his side of things. He has no friends, partner, or anyone that actually speaks to him.

You can pick your friends but not your family. All of us here can clearly see who the normal person is between you and your mother.

overforty

Hugs Lilac
just like the others have said be kind to yourself, put all your energy into getting sober and you will be better equipped to deal with toxic people.
I was surrounded by toxic people and after only a couple of months of not having them in my life I feel so much better.
You can deal with it when you feel better - you'll know what to do.