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Covid-Sober Divorce

Old 08-04-2020, 01:20 PM
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Covid-Sober Divorce

Hello everyone. First, thank you for your time and support. My wife has been sober for 18 months. She is a beautiful lady to all... yet since she has gotten sober, has not been that to me. We have 2 children together, plus extra from another marriage. She is a brilliant mental health therapist, gifts with people that I have never observed before. Unfortunately, in her sobriety, she has decided that she wants a divorce. As I am built to be a lover, it has crushed me. I feel the pangs of ups and downs like a sine wave, knowing in my heart that I just want everyone to be ok through this process. I know I am in a relative state of denial, thinking that selling the house, getting separate rental spaces, telling the kids it is going to be ok, is all a mask I have put on to make it seem like all is ok and that this is the right decision. There is nothing in me that wants this. I have always been good at being alone... always. But, this one was out of the blue for me and doesn't make sense to me. I have supported my family for years financially, but was just laid off due to carona. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I have a history of substance abuse, though were both very functional during those times. I had an opiate issue related to two surgeries in South Africa and the U.S., after which I had a significant addiction. Five years ago I was able to beat that opiate addiction, though it took its toll on our marriage. My wife had an alcohol addiction for over ten years, which she was able to beat roughly 18 months ago. Obviously, there has been significant trauma on many levels, and though we were both functional, we were not the best spouses or parents during our addiction periods. My wife is my best friend... she is the Love of my life... yet despite my forgiveness of her moments of sickness, she claims that she is unable to forgive mine. I have been sober for years, and things went well (sort of) until she became sober. Then she became angry, blaming, resentful. I thought that things would get better, return to normal(ish)... when she got sober. It has become the opposite. I take responsibility for my B.S., for my weaknesses... I apologize more often than not. I am an enneagram type 9, though I score equally across the board for 2,3,4,5&9. My wife is a type 1 with wings of 2 and 9. I understand that type 1 personalities have the ability to see what is wrong with the world (or in my case, husband), and they want to fix it, but when unhealthy, they cannot take the same criticism or judgment they freely give out. This has been our story during addiction. I throw this out there to all of you with experience in the addiction realm to give your advice and knowledge in this situation. I am heartbroken beyond anything I have experienced before... and I have been divorced before. This feels different. Pain on a level that I have not experienced before... heartbreak when you physically feel it in your soul. My beautiful counselor said to me that when a woman is done... she's done. I understand... but I am having a hard time wrapping my heart around that one, as she, my children, our family is my world... and it's crumbling like a dry sandcastle in the surf. Forgive the sorrow... Love and family means everything to me. It's funny that the introverted tend to value closeness most of all. Any of your experience or wisdom would be greatly cherished and valued in my heart. Kindly... Jalex
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Old 08-04-2020, 05:31 PM
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Hi Jalex - I'm sorry for what brings you here but you'll find support here.

It sounds like your wife is pretty determined to go through with this - I'm sorry.
Fair or not, I think the best you can do is look after the children and try and accept the new normal yourself the best you can.

Congrats on your 5 years of recovery tho
You may find the future holds even better things for you?

D
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Old 08-04-2020, 05:38 PM
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I've equated the heartbreak at the end of some relationships to death. That's what they can feel like - the death of a loved one.

I've experienced it and it was absolutely crushing.

Cherish and hold close your good memories, grieve, and let go so that your heart can begin to mend.
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Old 08-04-2020, 05:49 PM
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Hi Jalex. I'm sorry for your situation and have no wisdom for you other than that the kids are far more resilient than you think, and all of you will find a new normal. It will take some time but you can survive it, and as long as you maintain that sensitive side of yourself and that positive attitude that comes through in your post, you will even thrive on your new road.
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Old 08-04-2020, 06:02 PM
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Hi Jalex and welcome,

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling and how unfair it seems to you. It seems that the addictions you have both had to deal with have caused permanent damage. I hope that you can find the strength to be present for your children because they will need both you and their mother to support them.
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