Dee74

Statements like these require an 'IMO'...IMO.

We aim to respect all recovery methods in this forum, with the co-operation of you guys..

Dee
Administrator
SR

MLD51

Bimini Blue said: "I won't do those things again, so they served a purpose."

I have finally gotten to the point where I feel the truth of this simple statement. But I did have to work through the reasons I did those things and figure at least some of it out before I was able to start shedding some of the guilt and shame I felt. I did it with a combination of AA and outpatient treatment. Other people do it in other ways. Others never do, and manage to maintain sobriety. FOR ME, it was necessary to dig around in the past a little before I could start healing and putting it behind me. It was not fun. It hurt at times. Sometimes I didn't want to do it. I was required to do a 4th and 5th step for my outpatient treatment. I could have done a half-a**ed job and graduated anyway. But I worked hard at it, and it helped a ton. What helped even more was steps 8 and 9. List of people I had hurt, and amends. Do you have to do steps to gain lasting sobriety? No, IMO. It helped me. Your journey is yours. BUT if the prospect of digging in your past makes you really uncomfortable, perhaps that's a message that there's stuff there you need to look at.

TiredCarpenter

Great job on looking inward and doing the work!
That takes courage.

I was told to get it on paper in a matter-of-fact way. (attaching no emotion to it) just like book keeping or taxes.

Understand that there is no obligation to share. THAT’S A DIFFERENT STEP.
One day at a time, one step at a time.

Is it essential to recovery? In AA, yes. In SMART or other cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) programs, no.

Note: if/when you are ready to share (step 5) it is important to chose a ‘good’ person. Someone 12 step-informed, experienced at doing this, and that you’re comfortable with.

Some people will stay ‘sober’ on the first three steps for a long time. It is often emotionally painful though.
When I was young my AA community (in a western Canada city) generally said “Don’t be a three stepper, it’s too painful”

I found getting it all on paper a very informing and cleansing experience. Some things I wrote in ‘code’ so I knew what it was, but anyone potentially reading it wouldn’t.

It’s your program, your sobriety, do with it what you will.

My wish for you is peace and contentedness.

TiredCarpenter

Great job on looking inward and doing the work!
That takes courage.

I was told to get it on paper in a matter-of-fact way. (attaching no emotion to it) just like book keeping or taxes.

Understand that there is no obligation to share. THAT’S A DIFFERENT STEP.
One day at a time, one step at a time.

Is it essential to recovery? In AA, yes. In SMART or other cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) programs, no.

Note: if/when you are ready to share (step 5) it is important to chose a ‘good’ person. Someone 12 step-informed, experienced at doing this, and that you’re comfortable with.

Some people will stay ‘sober’ on the first three steps for a long time. It is often emotionally painful though.
When I was young my AA community (in a western Canada city) generally said “Don’t be a three stepper, it’s too painful”

I found getting it all on paper a very informing and cleansing experience. Some things I wrote in ‘code’ so I knew what it was, but anyone potentially reading it wouldn’t.

It’s your program, your sobriety, do with it what you will.

My wish for you is peace and contentedness.

nez

For years I used alcohol to "forget" all kinds of stuff. Didn't really work well for me. It was a temporary forget. That stuff kept popping again and again. Why would sobriety make "forgetting" work any better for me? I have yet to find any get out of jail free cards in temporary fixes. My experience is that when I "remembered" things and then worked on mending those things, I found recovery. Doing things differently brought different results.

PeaceManic

It would be easier if we were all just psychopaths, wouldn't it.

ThatWasTheOldMe

There's a reason we frequently recite the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (your past), courage to change the things I can (your future), and the wisdom too know the difference.
If you care enough that your past upsets you, you're likely a good person. Bad people don't care if they hurt others. I would take it easy on yourself and just go one day at a time.

Ringside

In my opinion, yes. You can call it a fourth step, or call it reflecting on your life with a therapist, or call it whatever you want. But if you can't get honest with yourself, square up to your past, acknowledge it, and then move on, I believe real recovery - a new life - is impossible.

fini

in the end, it was essential to me that i amend the “bad things” i had done in the drinking past.
i happened to take the AA route to do that, but of course there are other ways. to me, it seemed AA offered a process for amending transgressions and harms that was sensible, honest, genuine and would free me from the burden of carrying those harms i had done.

going through that process, not shutting the door on it, allowed me to be okay with my past and having repaired what i could by taking responsibility brought peace to me and others, and peace with them.

i have no need now to forget, shut doors or pretend various “it” never happened.

DriGuy

An amends is more than an apology. It's an actual change in behavior, and to some degree it will be necessary to confront your past. Is Step 4 essential? I don't know if it's essential, but in most cases, it's the right thing to do. And this is not at all for the benefit of the other person. It's for you, and it's something that can help you mend your own broken past. You don't even have to tell someone you are trying to make amends. It can actually be better to change your behavior, and let them make their own decision about whether you are worthy. You may or may not be forgiven. But that's not the point. You do it to make you better, not to make them feel better about you.

zerothehero

It's worth revisiting the past because the past keeps revisiting you.

We stare down the past to get it to shut up.

Making amends is about forgiving ourselves. It's like Charmin. Wipe one last time and flush.

least

I shut the door on my past but there's a window in it so I can look back and see where I came from.

Wastinglife

I would love nothing more than to shut the door on my past. 15 years of alcoholism means very little of my past has resulted in fond memories. I don't remember most drunken nights for the most part but sometimes my memory gets jogged and I remember something stupid I did. Often, it was just something I dreamed. I dwell on things that probably never happened but was blackout drunk so will never know.

Be123

Im fairly new to sobriety but my two pennies worth - I think some sort of therapeutic and guided way to deal with the past is vital. Whether that's AA or therapy or another means I don't think is vital, but it being guided probably is.

The reason I say that - confronting the past before you're ready may be so stressful that it inhibits recovery. I guess this is why AA involves steps and a sponsor, so that you're stepping into new stages of recovery when you're ready. A skilled therapist will certainly do this.

Im comfortable with my past. I regret a lot of things I did and have remorse for those. But I understand why I did them and forgive myself, meaning I rarely think negatively on the past. Taking responsibility for the past means action now, and this suits me. The very best way I can take responsibility for those I feel most remorse about (my children) is to live sober and give an example of recovery to them that counters the example of drunkenness I gave them

DriGuy

I think it's normal to have regrets. They are so common that we have a word to describe them, "regrets." My response is to acknowledge them. If I wish to remain conscious, they are just part of the package, but there is hope. Four or five years ago, I started regretting something that happened 25 years earlier. I hadn't thought about it much, but all of a sudden there it was in my mind, and for a couple years, it would occupy a huge space in my head. I actually felt guilty about it, like I was doing a crap job at recovery, but it remained until it kind of wore itself out. I will always have the memory of regretting. My perception of that "thing" that haunted me was that of an emotional low that I had to weather. I may have even been emotionally unhealthy for a time, but I'm not sure if that's accurate either. I tried to understand what I was doing. Was I punishing myself for some sick reason? I don't know. I never figured it out, but now there is nothing left but a memory with very little emotional response. It's a hallow memory.

I know one thing I did right during that emotional low. I didn't drink. I didn't even consider drinking. I remember a saying someone gave me years ago: "There is nothing so bad that alcohol can't make it worse." Sometimes, even in recovery, we have bad days. Sometimes we don't have control, but we can choose not to make it worse by getting drunk. That may be just a glass half full, but at least it's not an empty glass.

thomas11

I would say it depends on what your "bad stuff" is. I'll leave that to your discretion. I wrote a book over the course of a year that was very therapeutic. I friend of mine wrote a screenplay in prison, same thing, helped him mentally move on with life.

Misssy2

Hi. Step 4 is a searching and fearless moral inventory....I think after you only write down a few things that you did....you will see a "pattern" of your behaviors that caused you to harm yourself or others...things like "I was selfish" , "I was mad"...IMO - (and I was in a 12 step program to learn in detail about each steps purpose) It is only a magnifying glass to see the key "moral" behavior traits where "I" was not behaving in a way that made myself or others happy.

IMO - you don't have to write down every single thing you did wrong....just a couple to see the "patterns" of your most destructive behaviors and then you "get" it....I was like: WOW...I seem to "displace blame" often.....So in the 3 examples of BAD things I was a "part" of that I wrote in my step 4....I saw the pattern and told the person I was with....OK....I have to work on fixing this, this and this....

Then when you get to Step 5.....making amends...um....only for something that was VERY bad....not every single thing you did wrong.
The idea was to release the guilt for myself....and I didn't have guilt for every single thing like you I didn't want to live in the past and I can still do things sober that are bad....sometimes worse....

So mainly it is about recognizing the destruction "I" may have caused...accepting it wasn't always "everyone" else....and moving on.

I think I only had one amends to make and that was to my children because it was a very long stretched out period of time that I had to admit to myself although I thought I was taking care of them ...in reality I was quite "neglectful" on the "being a present parent" and kids need that...all the other stuff I did....I have forgiven myself for and I live in the now and do the best I can NOW.

Dropsie

If I wanted to be forgiven for my lapses of judgment I had to forgive others for theirs.

Silentrun -- thanks for this -- its easy to forget -- XX

Abraham

In my opinion do what makes you feel comfortable as long as you are not imposing on someone else. We are all different, do what works for you.