cerd2000

Hi everybody, it's my first post here,

I'm a 30 years old male. And I think I am an alcohol addict by now.

I have a long history of different addictions. Non-substance addictions, though.

In fact I came here from another addiction board, but I feel like alcohol addiction is my main problem at the moment that's why I registered here. I successfully overcame gambling addiction and online news addiction. I'm still battling with porn addiction. All of those addictions began in my youth already.

I started drinking alcohol for the first time at age 15. Since then I consumed a lot of it every single weekend and on every vacation. I had a relationship from age 19-24 where I reduced my consumption drastically. But after the relationship fell apart, my alcohol intake increased a lot. Now I'm 30 and I drink almost daily since 1 year. It seems to only get more and more.

I drink only beer. I drink 2-6 beers a day. When I have a good day I drink only 2. On bad days 4-6. On weekends/holidays always 5-7. The amount is slowly increasing with every few months. In the past I was able to drink 1 beer and then just stop and go to sleep. Now if I drink 1 single beer, the chances are very high I won't stop after 5 beers. I have the feeling it's either 0% or 100%. There is no middle ground anymore like in the past. I get greedy once I taste beer. This calming effect of alcohol is so freakin tempting and it only gets worse and worse.

I'm afraid that makes me an alcoholic by medical definition, does it?

I feel the physical effects already. I suffer from insomnia. I only drink in the evenings when I feel the most lonely and most depressed. I usually start at 11 pm and end at 5-6 am in the morning. I wake up at 12-2 pm. My daily schedule is completely crazy. Because of Corona I'm unemployed since a few weeks, so now I have no external limits at all anymore. I tried quitting a lot of times. My sobriety record in 2020 was 14 days in January. But then relapsed hard. I never achieved more than 2 days of sobriety since then.

I feel like this addiction is killing me slowly. If I continue like that I think I will be a full blown alcoholic in 1-2 years.

I can't sleep properly. I can't get up at a reasonable time. I have hangovers that make me relapse hard with my porn addiction. I live a miserable and lonely life and it only gets worse. I have a history of psychological treatment. I'm in therapy for depression and anxiety for many years, but it doesn't really help. I have suicidal thoughts since I'm 20, never seriously acted on them, but I feel like alcohol increases those thoughts a lot. Like really a lot. I don't wanna know where I am at age 35 if I continue like that.

I'm still relatively young, but I think I have to act now before it's too late.

I can't wait anymore or I'm slowly dying from the inside. I don't know what's the best way to start battling this addiction, this daily unbearable craving for the calming effect of alcohol? This yearning effect that slows down my constant worrying/anxiety and makes me able to go to sleep, but the next day presents the bill like a loan shark? That's how I portray alcohol. It helps you in the evening, but the next morning it's gonna destroy you.

Thanks for every advice, I appreciate it.

owen90

Hey man, welcome. We're the same age. My drinking pattern started off the same way as yours but a few years earlier (since 21/22). Like you correctly predict, it goes downhill fast from the point where you're at. It quickly becomes 10/15 beers per night in the week, then beer isn't strong enough and you move onto spirits. Then before you know it your life is falling apart and your body is in serious trouble.

The withdrawal is absolutely brutal when you get to my stage and try to quit.

I think you are being very wise to do something about it before you get to that stage and you have found a great community of people (many with years and years of experience) to support you.

Good luck my friend

Dee74

Hi and welcome Cerd

Well it sounds like you might belong here - but that's no bad thing

This is a great place for support understanding and encouragement

D

Be123

Hi Cerd. I think there will be a lot of people on this board who, like me, wish we had confronted this stuff aged 30 rather than leaving it longer. It almost certainly WILL get worse. Congratulations on being brave enough to tackle it head on

We are all different but I found this video incredibly useful, explaining why I was addicted to alcohol and how the only solution is to not drink. I couldn't think my way out - it is literally impossible. It is only through action that supports physical changes in the brain that we can become ex-addicts, something I am working towards (in the full knowledge that if I ever drink again my addiction will kick back in immediately). https://youtu.be/zYphZvRHm6Y

Its quite fun being sober, and certainly very liberating...but I won't lie, it also takes hard work or (in my case) a complete change of life style to support sobriety

Hodd

Too right, Be123. I “got a life” at 48, but I’m sure glad I did when I was young enough to still do a lot of things.

Cerd, credit to you for seeing the light at 30. You’ve now got every chance of having a brilliant life. I think you know you have to quit alcohol 100% forever. I thought that’d be an impossibility. I thought surely I could drink once a month, maybe? Unfortunately, and I’ll admit it was almost heartbreaking when I realised it, occasional or moderate drinking will never work for an ex-addict. We’ll all revert to our old ways within weeks. Safest and easiest way is to quit.

Credit again to you for sorting this out at 30.

brighterday1234

The greatest thing is to recognise and accept ones alcoholism as this enables you to stop being a drunk. There is a wonderful sober life available if you want it and are willing to work for it.

Cityboy

Great that you are addressing this now cerd. That age is about when my dependency on alcohol really began to escalate. I wonder sometimes how things would have turned out differently if I had not been an alcoholic for the last 27 years. Oh well, can't change the past. Life is much better without an alcohol addiction, give you my personal guarantee on that.

Sober45

Welcome, Cerb. I'm 45 years old and my struggle really started at about your age. I didn't stop until 7 months ago because I couldn't see that a good life is possible without alcohol. I do now though and I'm never going back to drinking.

You said alcohol is slowly killing you. Remember, when you stop, the recovery is slow also but day by day you will gravitate to a life worth living. It is a process of rebuilding but so so worth it. You have experience overcoming other addictions and that will be to your advantage, for sure.

You can do this!

Surrendered19

You are so wise to get on top of the issue while you are still so young cerd. At your age I recall that alcohol really became a problem that was affecting my life. And looking back and being honest, I knew it. I just failed to act and take my health back and lost the next 25 years to alcohol. Don't do that. I'd give anything to get those years back. Do your work now and reap the benefits. When you are my age you will look back and this can be nothing more than something very distant in your rear view mirror.

Noam19

Cerd, you should feel good that you're getting here so early! So many people on this thread would have considered that 4-6 beers a nice easy warm up to a drinking day. That's not to say you have time before you need to address, but that you may be ahead of the curve. Take note of all the stories in here and pay particular attention to how it progresses. You are exactly right, if you continue doing what you're doing it will only get worse and only get harder.

We're here to listed. Welcome.

DriGuy

I was around 30, when I first seriously considered I might be an alcoholic. I had a good job, and I took it seriously. Things were going well, so it was easy to pass off as not a problem. In retrospect, it may have actually interfered with my career plans, but I'm not sure. It was easy to see myself as a heavy nightly drinker who just liked his alcohol, but back then "alcoholic" was a dirty word to me. I progressed over the years in my drinking. It just slowly got worse, and I revisited my fears about being an alcoholic often, but still managed to deny it, in my early 50s, I entered a period of rapidly escalating alcohol abuse. Both at the time and today, I look upon that as a period of near insanity. My behavior was making no sense, and I was unable to control it. I finally sought out help.

I turned myself around, although it was not easy at first, but I did recover. I was ecstatic and life started to make sense again. But I wasted a lot of good years right in the middle of my prime. I hope you whip this thing. It's never too early, and at your stage, drinking does you no good and considerable harm. This is true whether you qualify as an alcoholic or not. From my experience, an alcoholic gains nothing good from alcohol. We like to think it's pleasurable, and at one time it may have been. But it reality it is a crippling disability.

MaximusD

My first quit was around 30 and it lasted for 5 years until I went through a divorce. I accomplished SO MUCH during that time of sobriety! You are SO SMART to be considering this now. That puts you up there in the few percent that realize they have a problem, seek help and at a young age. Great job! Those 5-7 beers will be 17-20 before you know it. Hang around here and DON"T fall into the trap that you can moderate. If you have gotten here those days are gone.

FishingDude30

Hi Cerd, similar to you and Owen I’m 30 as well. Tho I was only drinking 3-4 days a week, a couple of those were usually blackouts, and over the last couple years my boozing was creating problems in my life. I’m new to this as well. This website and AA have been great support. Good luck on your journey!

Cityboy

Over the last few years, four to six was usually enough to get me from the store to the driveway. Really don't see how I never got a DUI or had an alcohol related accident.

But the drinking would have only started at that point, no possibility of stopping at 6. Might have stopped between 12 and 15, or might have just switched to wine or something with some backbone.

The "calming effect" is a sham. You only think that's what it is.

The physical effects, the insomnia, the feelings of anxiety and depression and suicide will all get much worse.

A support base, mostly SR in my case, has been an absolute must for me.

Cutting towards the base of sources of stress, anxiety, guilt, and resentment has been key for me.

cerd2000

Thank you for the kind welcome, I really appreciate it!

I have to admit, I'm a little surprised that my age is considered very young here. In fact, I always compared myself to my peer group (aged 25-35) and felt like the biggest loser that is incapable of getting his life in order, while the vast majority of society has a successful, happy, fulfilling, addiction-free life. I felt and feel inferior.

My private life and my professional life are a mess. While I never drank directly during work, my career always has been impaired by alcohol. I used to work in a bad, poorly paid job for the previous 5 years which I'm totally overqualified for, I never applied for better jobs because I thought I'm physically incapable of it and appeared drunk and dizzy at work countless times (because I drank until 6 am and went to work at 8 am) and even called in sick a lot of times because of it. All because of alcohol and insomnia. If Corona wouldn't have happened, they'd have kicked me out sooner or later for sure. The same happened with relationships and sex.

Since several years already I now realized that I have some kind of „addictive personality“. Like it's either 0% or 100%. There's no moderation anymore. In the beginning there was, but since 1-2 years I can't stop after 1 beer. I usually drink until I've reached 4-7, on special occasions (holidays/parties) even more. And it's gradually progressing with every month. That's why I registered here.

In fact I'm worried this is the begining of a long, painful and ultimately deadly journey if I don't take measures right now. Like Owen90 pointed out, I'm 100% certain that 4-7 beers a day won't be the end of it. It will increase to 10-20 and eventually to stronger alcoholic spirits.

I guess that's the brain mechanism that is getting used to the substance/chemicals over the years, builds up a tolerance and craves for more and more infinitely in order to be satisfied. The classic addiction spiral. I never tried illegal drugs, even though they were offered to me several times (weed and xtc), because I knew they would destroy me very quickly. Instead I sticked to alcohol, but of course it's just as deadly, the main difference only being that it's socially totally accepted by everyone in society and easily available at a cheap price. It's weird, with illegal drugs I always had a zero-tolerance policy that I successfully enforced, but legal drugs like alcohol and nicotine I consumed en masse.

I am wondering what is the best and most efficent approach to tackle my addiction?

I'm in therapy since many years (more than 6 years), but it doesn't really help to be honest. It improved some of my depression/anxiety issues but definitely not alcohol. I haven't tried out anything else so far. I am considering going to a psychiatrist and tell him about my problems, but I'm scared ******** of taking any prescription drugs like antidepressants/SSRIs (because of strong side effects). I've never been to AA meetings, because I fear for anonymity.

I'm wondering a lot what should be the best starting point for me? Because of unemployment I have a lot of free time right now. I have nothing to lose and I feel like I have to take measures right now or I won't make it until 35, because I know for a fact this current alcohol consumption strongly aggravates my depressive and suicidal tendencies. For me, there's no bigger accelerator to depression/suicide. Do you do journaling/accountability partners here on the forum and did it help you?

least

My daily visits here have helped me get and stay sober. There's a lot of support here, take advantage of it to help yourself get sober for good.

For example, if you feel like drinking, post here instead and we'll try to talk you out of it.

Misssy2

Just like all your other addictions...If alcohol is impacting your life in any negative way and you are unable to stop it...its a problem...the label doesn't matter...its affecting you....you went all the way thru to signing up to an alcohol forum because this is bothering you a great deal...just the fact it causes you stress and worry is a problem.....

Dr Phil says....you can't change any problem until you acknowledge it is a problem.....you have ackowledged this is a problem...so now you have your first step in addressing your problem (your acknowledgement).

Your young..I hope you are able to fight this addiction as you did the others and live a long happy life.

Ringside

What helped me (I stopped drinking at 35 and am now 37) was going to AA meetings and listening to and spending time with people who had done it before me and appeared to be (and, as I found out, are) living content, peaceful lives. Jumping in with both feet and being willing to make changes and do things different, from top to bottom. Before I realized it, the routine, the obsession, the habit - whatever you want to call it - had lifted, and I began to learn how to be an active participant in my life. I'm not a religious person but I do believe in the power of the fellowship of AA, and it is awesome.

I too had depressive and suicidal tendencies that were severely aggravated, if not outright caused, by my drinking. I also went to therapy for years, and it didn't really do much for me - what did was giving up the alcohol. However I still go to therapy and it is now far more effective. Life isn't perfect now but I am far from those darkest days.

Perhaps reconsider your fear of losing your anonymity at AA - chances are everyone close to you knows you have a problem, and you'll find that the stigma you think exists doesn't. And with your employment situation, it is the perfect time to try different meetings to find a few that you like and some people with whom you might connect.

Whatever path you choose, consider that your ideas and your brain (at least with respect to drinking) got you here and will not get you out. Listen to what other people say and take it to heart if you get the sense they might know a thing or two.

All the best.

Zevin

Hi Cerd! Like everyone else said, congratulations on realizing you have a problem with alcohol and WELCOME to this site!

You are very self-aware to understand that alcohol is aggravating any depression/suicide tendencies. That’s impressive! Most people don’t understand that alcohol IS a real depressant. So it’s very important that you learn everything possible about this disease and how to fight it.

There are on-line AA meetings that might appeal to you, if you are worried about being anonymous.
I use this site, in addition to AA meetings, to stay sober. Read through some of the threads—the information and support here is invaluable.

Dee74

Hi Cerd

if you have no idea how to proceed my advice is to read around and see what others are doing. Find a way that makes sense to you and do it
We have a Class of August 2020 support thread too. All you need to join is post

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-1-a-4.html (Class of August 2020 Part 1)
D