Tried Love and Failed
 

Hi My SR Family,

I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe and healthy.

So I did it. I opened myself up to a relationship after refraining from dating anyone for one year. I wanted to give myself time and in my 11th month, I met someone. He was and is wonderful. I was more vulnerable and open and honest with him than I have been with anyone before. We connected quickly and deeply but as fast as we jumped in, we started to get burned.

Things were moving, for lack of a better term, alcoholically. We felt things fast, spent a lot of time together and even muttered those three terrifying words within the two months we were together. We jumped into the labeled "relationship" and started having hard conversations. I did not want any of this, but I figured it was the trajectory that was naturally (ha.) taking place and honestly, I loved the intensity. I am an extremist and most definitely an alcoholic, so of course I did.

As things progressed, I started to pull back and put walls up. I hurt him and he hurt me and we finally decided that I was too closed off emotionally (my admission) and he was too selfish (his). We hugged and he walked away and walked out of my life. And it hurts so much.

I would have thought that at this point in my sobriety, a year in, I might have a better understanding and handle on this aspect. But I still don't. And I am not ready. This makes me really really sad. I want to be able to love someone, to care about someone and invest my time and energy into someone. But I don't love myself. I have a lot of work to do.

So I'll keep my recovery program strong, try not isolate from people and try my best to understand that I put myself out there and that it was brave to do it.

Pain is growth and I will see that soon enough.

Thanks for letting me vent and I love you all.

Nic.

I'm sorry Nic - its hard to know when the right time is.

I thought I was ready too and still made a lot of mistakes when I dove back into the dating pool - fortunately, for me, we worked it out.

Try not to awfulise over this too much. You gave it a shot and found you're not ready right now...but I reckon you will be :)

D

It's taken me a very long time to work through some things in romantic relationships. I may have just started to get good at it. It can be the work of a lifetime.

I meant to say before this edit that when things feel like they're going too fast, it's time to slow down. In almost everything.

But there's no failing at love; only bad timing.

Unlike you and others in early recovery, I did not wait a year. My soon to be boyfriend - before I quit drinking - wound up having to take me to the ER due to a seizure. He was there while I had one as I was speaking with my dad on the phone. Weird, right? Ew.

So - he spent a lot of time with me in the hospital, brought me flowers and stuff and we continued seeing each other once I got out. Did I stop drinking then? NO. But I did soon after. And we've had it pretty tense ever since. We never had a honeymoon period and we act like a couple who has been together for years - not six months.

What I'm trying to convey here is that it'll happen. Ever hear of the Law of Attraction? Well, it exists.

Confirm what it is you want to share with someone and what you want to receive. Believe in your convictions and they will manifest. Stay busy in the meantime, but let your heartfelt desires emanate from that place...your heart.

I liked, "So I'll keep my recovery programme strong , try not to isolate from people and try my best to understand that I put myself out there and it was brave to do it".

"Pain is growth, and I will see that soon enough."

I reckon you're going to be ok NicLin. Way to go.

Ah Nic, I'm sorry things didn't work out. But, you are really brave for venturing out and being vulnerable. It sounds like you learned a lot and that you have a plan for how to move on. I'm glad you are focusing on loving yourself, because I have found that to be so challenging, but so rewarding.

I'm sorry to hear this, but don't give up. I've had failed relationships, most of which I look back on with fondness. Very few were horrible mistakes. There were some I wished would never have happened. But here's the best part of your post:

This is maturity, and you have accomplished an important goal in recovery. What's most important is how you deal with bad situations like a broken romance. Recovery is about learning to deal with stress without running back to the bottle. When you can do that, I say get back out there and keep looking for that right person. Recovery is not be about cutting yourself off and isolating. It's about living life sober.

Heartbreaking NL. But we have to have faith in what’s to come. I won’t go into what’s been going on in my personal life lately but there is similar pain. Each night and several times per day I remind myself that had I always got what I wanted and not what God planned I would be no more happy today. Life reveals itself to us. I am struggling too, but faith.

Maybe don't look on this as failure but as a positive learning experience. You've learned a lot about who you are and how you interact, what you want/need and what you don't want/need.at this moment in time. Stay strong :)

I’m sorry that this relationship didn’t work out, and that you’re feeling so sad. It sounds like you were pretty introspective with your feelings, and that is a really good thing. Maybe it will take you more time to be ready to open up to someone else, or maybe you will meet someone else who you feel more comfortable opening up to. Whichever happens, the fact that you were able to identify that as a barrier is huge progress!!!

Sending giant virtual hugs!!!

💗Delilah

Alcoholic or not that kind of stuff happens to most everyone. Keep your recovery strong and work on yourself and the rest will fall into place.