Urges
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: England
Posts: 315
Hodd, 16 days compared to the planned forever is a bit pathetic 😶
I think self control is good enough to deal with the "normal" urges that can happen a couple of times a day. But in no way can cope with these constantly recurring ones that happen with only short breaks between them. Like both you and Aellyce point out, more action is needed on these kind of days.
CRHCC I know what you are talking about having the urge to drink to escape emotions, or enhance emotions.
The urges that come on the days I have trouble with are more physical than the emotional need to escape.
I realised this after I drank the last time. The addict me wanted to drink out of habit when I got money during those 16 days, but I didn't.
The addict me wanted to drink at the party, because everyone else was, there was no desire to escape, just to enhance the good feelings I was having anyway, but I didn't
The addict me wanted to drink a bottle of booze someone asked bring home and hand on the next day after the party, well. just because it was there and addict me always drank booze if it was there, but I didn't
The addict me (AV) will always want to drink, I brought it into existence by my overuse of an addictive substance. The WANT will always be there.
The urges I'm having trouble with which are the constant on and off all day ones, that trip me up after a time off the drink are more like PHYSICAL urges not emotional urges. There was nothing up with me emotionally wanting a drink, I was ok, feeling balanced. But I did have a PHYSICAL urge to drink so was irritable and conjured stupid things up to get annoyed about.
So I'm going for a more physical approach with these the next time as has been suggested
And yes I need a VACI I have the perfect one in mind. To give the physical a chance to calm itself down which only time will do
Anyway another horrible day of withdrawal over with. Off to bed
I think self control is good enough to deal with the "normal" urges that can happen a couple of times a day. But in no way can cope with these constantly recurring ones that happen with only short breaks between them. Like both you and Aellyce point out, more action is needed on these kind of days.
CRHCC I know what you are talking about having the urge to drink to escape emotions, or enhance emotions.
The urges that come on the days I have trouble with are more physical than the emotional need to escape.
I realised this after I drank the last time. The addict me wanted to drink out of habit when I got money during those 16 days, but I didn't.
The addict me wanted to drink at the party, because everyone else was, there was no desire to escape, just to enhance the good feelings I was having anyway, but I didn't
The addict me wanted to drink a bottle of booze someone asked bring home and hand on the next day after the party, well. just because it was there and addict me always drank booze if it was there, but I didn't
The addict me (AV) will always want to drink, I brought it into existence by my overuse of an addictive substance. The WANT will always be there.
The urges I'm having trouble with which are the constant on and off all day ones, that trip me up after a time off the drink are more like PHYSICAL urges not emotional urges. There was nothing up with me emotionally wanting a drink, I was ok, feeling balanced. But I did have a PHYSICAL urge to drink so was irritable and conjured stupid things up to get annoyed about.
So I'm going for a more physical approach with these the next time as has been suggested
And yes I need a VACI I have the perfect one in mind. To give the physical a chance to calm itself down which only time will do
Anyway another horrible day of withdrawal over with. Off to bed
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hope you got some sleep!
Philemon, I found eating an excellent, immediately effective remedy for those monster cravings. I used it quite generously early on but, as said before, I think it is quite important not to use the types of foods that are well-known to be addictive on their own such as sugar. I started cooking a lot in early sobriety (which wasn't much of my interest before), trying out recipes and experimenting was stimulating by itself. A varied, healthy diet, not cr@p, just many times daily. I didn't gain a single pound that way luckily (actually lost a little, which I didn't really need), that might have caused emotional stress to me as I'd had an eating disorder in my youth and am still always quite mindful of my weight and body shape. I ate small portions, spread out throughout the day. I also believe the calories consumed with that method were probably still less than what all the booze added, plus the junk food I sometimes also binged on drunk. I did this for a couple months at least and didn't even need to work on normalizing my diet later as my appetite and eating habits just adjusted effortlessly. The trick about the eating method was that it clearly competed with my drinking urges, so when those urges hit, I often didn't feel like eating and had to push myself. But that's why having good food around was useful, things that I liked, not stuff I had to force myself to eat much.
On the emotional front, it helped me immensely to be also very busy with different non recovery-related (at least not my recovery) activities that I enjoyed a lot, like my work, getting back into reading books a lot (my favorite) that I could not truly enjoy the same way drinking, watching movies, going for many long walks, some art work (also my long-term hobby). I was lucky because, unlike many people, I didn't experience significant depression in early sobriety beyond the first couple days of withdrawal, so I could actually enjoy these things. If you do feel more depressed, maybe have a few counseling sessions given that therapy helped you earlier in life. I know all of this is much harder now with COVID etc, but I am sure you can still find things to do from home? Maybe some of those spiritual pursuits we were discussing earlier?
I think it is very important to have a lot of go-to recovery resources during that period, but doing nothing but recovery methods probably would not have worked for me. I do hear that it does the trick for some people though, especially people who have lost pretty much everything good in their lives due to their drinking and had to build a brand new life. You don't seem to be at such a stage yet, which is an excellent reason not to progress more and get there - it would only get harder. Grab anything you can that helps you stay sober. Like many people say, it gets significantly easier around the 3-month mark. I had challenge waves after that during ~the first 8-10 months, but the first 3 months were definitely the hardest both physically and mentally.
As I said before, you have such a good attitude about all this when you don't give in to that Beast - self-aware, honest with yourself, not defensive, not in denial, listen to advice... You also seem to have a decent self-esteem when you don't drink for a while - the lack of that often gets in the ways for many. Those things definitely help to overcome this thing if you find ways to handle the urges better
Philemon, I found eating an excellent, immediately effective remedy for those monster cravings. I used it quite generously early on but, as said before, I think it is quite important not to use the types of foods that are well-known to be addictive on their own such as sugar. I started cooking a lot in early sobriety (which wasn't much of my interest before), trying out recipes and experimenting was stimulating by itself. A varied, healthy diet, not cr@p, just many times daily. I didn't gain a single pound that way luckily (actually lost a little, which I didn't really need), that might have caused emotional stress to me as I'd had an eating disorder in my youth and am still always quite mindful of my weight and body shape. I ate small portions, spread out throughout the day. I also believe the calories consumed with that method were probably still less than what all the booze added, plus the junk food I sometimes also binged on drunk. I did this for a couple months at least and didn't even need to work on normalizing my diet later as my appetite and eating habits just adjusted effortlessly. The trick about the eating method was that it clearly competed with my drinking urges, so when those urges hit, I often didn't feel like eating and had to push myself. But that's why having good food around was useful, things that I liked, not stuff I had to force myself to eat much.
On the emotional front, it helped me immensely to be also very busy with different non recovery-related (at least not my recovery) activities that I enjoyed a lot, like my work, getting back into reading books a lot (my favorite) that I could not truly enjoy the same way drinking, watching movies, going for many long walks, some art work (also my long-term hobby). I was lucky because, unlike many people, I didn't experience significant depression in early sobriety beyond the first couple days of withdrawal, so I could actually enjoy these things. If you do feel more depressed, maybe have a few counseling sessions given that therapy helped you earlier in life. I know all of this is much harder now with COVID etc, but I am sure you can still find things to do from home? Maybe some of those spiritual pursuits we were discussing earlier?
I think it is very important to have a lot of go-to recovery resources during that period, but doing nothing but recovery methods probably would not have worked for me. I do hear that it does the trick for some people though, especially people who have lost pretty much everything good in their lives due to their drinking and had to build a brand new life. You don't seem to be at such a stage yet, which is an excellent reason not to progress more and get there - it would only get harder. Grab anything you can that helps you stay sober. Like many people say, it gets significantly easier around the 3-month mark. I had challenge waves after that during ~the first 8-10 months, but the first 3 months were definitely the hardest both physically and mentally.
As I said before, you have such a good attitude about all this when you don't give in to that Beast - self-aware, honest with yourself, not defensive, not in denial, listen to advice... You also seem to have a decent self-esteem when you don't drink for a while - the lack of that often gets in the ways for many. Those things definitely help to overcome this thing if you find ways to handle the urges better
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Posts: 315
Thanks Aeyllce you are a very good help in getting things in order when I'm hardly capable after drinking 
And you don't do platitudes which its good!
I do have quite a good understanding of nutrition. I did look into the nutritional aspects to alcoholism years ago.
I do know the more nutritious the food I eat, the less hungry I am. Compared to still being hungry after a ton of junk food
And that the less hungry I am, the urges don't seem to have as much drive behind them. I gave up all refined and processed foods for few months before I started drinking. That was an experience in itself. But felt good after a couple of weeks. And trying to put together a nutritionally balanced diet is quite absorbing in the beginning
I would say I have tried everything. But I haven't tried using them altogether. I have underestimated the foe?
I use one thing at a time, why? Who knows? Because everyone of them promises to be the solution ? probably.
I know I don't need help with depression, without drink, or immediate aftermath, I have normal down in the dump days, but not actual depression. That I do know I sorted years ago. I'm a bit of a pollyanna if anything 😣
So I do have a "plan" as suggested on here all the time (not that I understood what it meant, my plans generally get as far as "I will never drink again") Despite reading endlessly that this is not enough
But things that people suggest I see are all meant to become part of a plan.
I will use AVRT to recognise my AV (which I failed dismally at the last time I drank). And not act on it.
I will use SMART for everyday disturbances. And to sort out the guilt and other negative emotions caused by years of drinking.
I will have a look at Lifering because I know a lot of people seem to get something out of that And WFS for the same reason.
I will get my nutrition in order.
I will get a VACI (vitally absorbing creative interest). Key words being VITALLY ABSORBING. I did used to do miniature wood sculptures. I still have the tools and hours would pass without me noticing not even for mealtimes.
I will learn how to write properly, for a hobby. I do have the books that explain the basics. I always had trouble with moving the plot on (makes sense now!)
The spiritual stuff will take a bit more. It's complicated there.
And I will exercise everyday (I mean walking)
I will practice not doing the things in my interacts with other people that irritate the life out of me, never mind them.
Be kinder and not so wrapped in how I feel (the psychotherapy I had, I went from completely being at the whim of others needs, to just meeting my own...ouch..hard to admit, but I have, need more balance there).
If I can keep this up and am still having bother with the type of urges I am having trouble with in a few months. I'll get in touch with the doctor again, see if my liver has improved and ask if there are any more recent anti craving drugs on the market I can be prescribed.
That's all I have. Last chance
What's that western film, those 2 gunmen facing each other? Gary Cooper, High Noon. Me and my addictive self, only one can be left standing and in control.
I may not be able to kill it. But I can do what they call in Wicca "binding" it. My psychotherapist called the same thing "containment"
And you don't do platitudes which its good!
I do have quite a good understanding of nutrition. I did look into the nutritional aspects to alcoholism years ago.
I do know the more nutritious the food I eat, the less hungry I am. Compared to still being hungry after a ton of junk food
And that the less hungry I am, the urges don't seem to have as much drive behind them. I gave up all refined and processed foods for few months before I started drinking. That was an experience in itself. But felt good after a couple of weeks. And trying to put together a nutritionally balanced diet is quite absorbing in the beginning
I would say I have tried everything. But I haven't tried using them altogether. I have underestimated the foe?
I use one thing at a time, why? Who knows? Because everyone of them promises to be the solution ? probably.
I know I don't need help with depression, without drink, or immediate aftermath, I have normal down in the dump days, but not actual depression. That I do know I sorted years ago. I'm a bit of a pollyanna if anything 😣
So I do have a "plan" as suggested on here all the time (not that I understood what it meant, my plans generally get as far as "I will never drink again") Despite reading endlessly that this is not enough
But things that people suggest I see are all meant to become part of a plan.
I will use AVRT to recognise my AV (which I failed dismally at the last time I drank). And not act on it.
I will use SMART for everyday disturbances. And to sort out the guilt and other negative emotions caused by years of drinking.
I will have a look at Lifering because I know a lot of people seem to get something out of that And WFS for the same reason.
I will get my nutrition in order.
I will get a VACI (vitally absorbing creative interest). Key words being VITALLY ABSORBING. I did used to do miniature wood sculptures. I still have the tools and hours would pass without me noticing not even for mealtimes.
I will learn how to write properly, for a hobby. I do have the books that explain the basics. I always had trouble with moving the plot on (makes sense now!)
The spiritual stuff will take a bit more. It's complicated there.
And I will exercise everyday (I mean walking)
I will practice not doing the things in my interacts with other people that irritate the life out of me, never mind them.
Be kinder and not so wrapped in how I feel (the psychotherapy I had, I went from completely being at the whim of others needs, to just meeting my own...ouch..hard to admit, but I have, need more balance there).
If I can keep this up and am still having bother with the type of urges I am having trouble with in a few months. I'll get in touch with the doctor again, see if my liver has improved and ask if there are any more recent anti craving drugs on the market I can be prescribed.
That's all I have. Last chance
What's that western film, those 2 gunmen facing each other? Gary Cooper, High Noon. Me and my addictive self, only one can be left standing and in control.
I may not be able to kill it. But I can do what they call in Wicca "binding" it. My psychotherapist called the same thing "containment"
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,059
I too had relentless urges, cravings or wants. And I was a slow learner. I had been on SR for fours years waiting for the miracle to happen. I eventually realised the only person that could do this was me.
I had to accept that the urges were going to be part of my life and what I had to do was not act on them under any circumstances. Not easy when every fibre of your being is urging you to drink.
The quote above was written by me in month two. I had to fight like hell. Probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I would walk miles and miles to the point of exhaustion. Never taking money out with me so I couldn't act on impulse.
Don't expect any recovery method to suddenly make it just happen, they help, SR for me, but at the end of the day it has to come from you refusing to indulge the AV in any shape or form, no matter what.
Even now I have to stay vigilant. Drinking is never far from my mind but it is bearable and part of who I am. I was drinking alcoholically for near on 40 years, daily for 20 years. I'm not going to just forget. Sober for 21 months.
I like to say the stars aligned.
I had to accept that the urges were going to be part of my life and what I had to do was not act on them under any circumstances. Not easy when every fibre of your being is urging you to drink.
I have am having really bad cravings again. As I stood in line in the shop yesterday I could almost taste the alcohol that surrounded me and so desperately wanted the feeling of euphoria and relaxation the first few mouthfuls bring. I have been awake since 3 am and my mind is still full of drinking thoughts. Just to blot out the long long day looming ahead of me with no one to talk to.
I feel like all my defences are down.
I feel like all my defences are down.
The quote above was written by me in month two. I had to fight like hell. Probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.
I would walk miles and miles to the point of exhaustion. Never taking money out with me so I couldn't act on impulse.
Yesterday I walked just over 8 miles, up and down hills, through streams and forests. The lengths I am going to remain sober. I was absolutely exhausted when I eventually got home and of course my first thought was "I deserve a drink"after all that.
Instead I had a lovely hot bath with Himalayan Salts to ease my aching legs followed by lots of chocolate. I was in bed by 7 pm, then I dreamt not only that I drank lots of vodka but also that I drove drunk and got arrested. I woke up full of anxiety 
.
.
Even now I have to stay vigilant. Drinking is never far from my mind but it is bearable and part of who I am. I was drinking alcoholically for near on 40 years, daily for 20 years. I'm not going to just forget. Sober for 21 months.
I like to say the stars aligned.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: England
Posts: 315
Thanks Kaily
I know only I can do it myself. And yes, I have just the kind of days you describe. Those days (especially more than one in a row) are my downfall (excuse). I admire you for resisting those urges and getting where you are now. I have never done that yet. I, my addict self that is, says stuff like, do you really want to feel like this all day every day with this constant craving for the rest of your life? And I fall for it, because, no I don't. But then, I know, in my right mind, that drinking intensifies the craving.
Then, the AV kicks back in and says "Look these people who gave up, they just have the occasional urge to fight, they don't have it bad like you." 🙄
I never read much of anyone having one after another after another until they feel like they are constant. It comes as a bit of a surprise you and Aeyllce saying you did!
Walking does help, which I'm going to start doing. Don't think I could manage 8 miles in a day though .But who knows? Once the power of an urge kicks in.
Thanks to both of you for saying although things will never go back to the way they were before drinking. It can be brought down to manageable proportions with time. But the drinking now is just ridiculously unmanageable so are the withdrawals and they will get worse with time I know
All I can do is wait until the test comes, put things into practice and put my money where my mouth is.
I'm hoping those kinds of days will recede with time (because they don't come every day or even every week)
Much admiration to you Kaily
I know only I can do it myself. And yes, I have just the kind of days you describe. Those days (especially more than one in a row) are my downfall (excuse). I admire you for resisting those urges and getting where you are now. I have never done that yet. I, my addict self that is, says stuff like, do you really want to feel like this all day every day with this constant craving for the rest of your life? And I fall for it, because, no I don't. But then, I know, in my right mind, that drinking intensifies the craving.
Then, the AV kicks back in and says "Look these people who gave up, they just have the occasional urge to fight, they don't have it bad like you." 🙄
I never read much of anyone having one after another after another until they feel like they are constant. It comes as a bit of a surprise you and Aeyllce saying you did!
Walking does help, which I'm going to start doing. Don't think I could manage 8 miles in a day though .But who knows? Once the power of an urge kicks in.
Thanks to both of you for saying although things will never go back to the way they were before drinking. It can be brought down to manageable proportions with time. But the drinking now is just ridiculously unmanageable so are the withdrawals and they will get worse with time I know
All I can do is wait until the test comes, put things into practice and put my money where my mouth is.
I'm hoping those kinds of days will recede with time (because they don't come every day or even every week)
Much admiration to you Kaily
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Philemon, go back and read Kaily's threads...click her name, when on her profile page click Statistics in the tabs at the top. I adore Kaily, she fought hard for a long time and her drinking voice was a lot like yours. Now she is one of my favorite SR people.
All of us had seemingly unbearable urges from which there are no escapes. We are alcoholics. It goes with the territory. You're not a Special Snowflake in that regard. I just had to sit with it and try to distract. I also walked every day for a couple hours.
It
Gets
Easier.
All of us had seemingly unbearable urges from which there are no escapes. We are alcoholics. It goes with the territory. You're not a Special Snowflake in that regard.
I just had to sit with it and try to distract. I also walked every day for a couple hours.It
Gets
Easier.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: England
Posts: 315
I'm sorry Bimini, couldn't reply sooner because I have been crying for ages and had to blow dry my keyboard because you said I wasn't a special snowflake 😭
I did read some of Kailys threads before and more of them now on your recommendation. Yes, a lot in common. Not just with Kaily but in a lot of her earlier threads with the people replying to her (sorry Kaily hope you don't mind me talking about you here like this).
I do the not get any enjoyment out of it drinking now. Just practically straight into blackout. Usually I only know how much I've drank when I discover empty bottles sometimes days later when I come out of the blackout.
I have found empty bottles where I must have been to the shop to get more booze in a blackout.
Once I start, I have no idea when I will be lucid again, or even if I will.
I know how the NHS treats (or rather doesn't treat) drinkers.
Have sat in A&E in withdrawals for 5 hours shaking and terrified, experiencing audio hallucinations in a waiting room full of people. Only to be seen, given a sodium drip, a couple of benzos and sent on my way a few hours later, disorientated, alone and with instructions to start drinking again and taper.
And yes, I see your point, Kailys struggle, persistence and eventual success is impressive
You have to understand, I have been trying more than a decade to stop this. Sometimes I just get tired and discouraged, especially in the few days after yet another failure.
It's not that I want to give up trying.
I had a bit of a light bulb moment in a post I saw earlier. I'm going to try it as well as the other things. I won't say what it is because at this point unless it works because I feel at this moment everything I say feels like just opening my mouth and letting the wind blow my tongue about (what my family say to me everytime I have a new eureka moment).
I KNOW the only way to stop drinking is to stop drinking. Just practice I need now.
Thanks for all your encouragement, everyone on this thread
I'm absolutely shattered. Just got the grandkids to bed. . I'm off to my bed too. No doubt they'll be up with the lark (or should I say seagulls)
Tomorrow is another day (oh, no, that's Gone with The Wind again).
I did read some of Kailys threads before and more of them now on your recommendation. Yes, a lot in common. Not just with Kaily but in a lot of her earlier threads with the people replying to her (sorry Kaily hope you don't mind me talking about you here like this).
I do the not get any enjoyment out of it drinking now. Just practically straight into blackout. Usually I only know how much I've drank when I discover empty bottles sometimes days later when I come out of the blackout.
I have found empty bottles where I must have been to the shop to get more booze in a blackout.
Once I start, I have no idea when I will be lucid again, or even if I will.
I know how the NHS treats (or rather doesn't treat) drinkers.
Have sat in A&E in withdrawals for 5 hours shaking and terrified, experiencing audio hallucinations in a waiting room full of people. Only to be seen, given a sodium drip, a couple of benzos and sent on my way a few hours later, disorientated, alone and with instructions to start drinking again and taper.
And yes, I see your point, Kailys struggle, persistence and eventual success is impressive
You have to understand, I have been trying more than a decade to stop this. Sometimes I just get tired and discouraged, especially in the few days after yet another failure.
It's not that I want to give up trying.
I had a bit of a light bulb moment in a post I saw earlier. I'm going to try it as well as the other things. I won't say what it is because at this point unless it works because I feel at this moment everything I say feels like just opening my mouth and letting the wind blow my tongue about (what my family say to me everytime I have a new eureka moment).
I KNOW the only way to stop drinking is to stop drinking. Just practice I need now.
Thanks for all your encouragement, everyone on this thread
I'm absolutely shattered. Just got the grandkids to bed. . I'm off to my bed too. No doubt they'll be up with the lark (or should I say seagulls)
Tomorrow is another day (oh, no, that's Gone with The Wind again).
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