Laura3

I have been drinking regularly again, not sure when it started but im back to day one again because im broke. I could borrow or find money but I figure this might be the only way I dont drink for the next few days by not having money so im going to just deal with it. I had an aha moment this morning, everything about my life and drinking makes more sense now. I drink or use drugs to fill a void in my soul. I didnt get the love or attention I needed growing up. My father was a psychotic violent man who had a warped sense of love. To him it was about his needs, not mine. He wanted to see his kids etc. He didnt actually do anything a father does like buy things, encourage etc. He was a bum. My mother has something like a personality disorder in that she has no empathy and never showed love with hugs or said I love you. I was kind of like a burden to her. When her boyfriend abused me she refused to believe it and told everyone I was ruining her life. I became an angry teen, was left home alone since the age of 15 when he was court ordered to move out. I felt so lonely and rejected then, and angry. I ended up being the bad guy. I never had a relationship last more than a couple years and few friends. I didnt know what normal was and had relationships with dysfunctional people who further damaged my trust and ability to love people. Dont know how many times ive said I hate humans. That happy fulfilled loved and secure feeling most people have is foreign to me. Anyway, I think its important to realise this as im probably using alcohol to replace having relationships in life. I started dating drugs and alcohol. I need to work on getting over my anger and trust people again.

LumenandNyx

You're probably going to have to start with getting over being angry with yourself for all the things you blame yourself for. One can't really offer much love to another person while they dislike him or herself. It doesn't work.

It looks like your intention is to drink again as soon as you get some more money, and all that really does, besides make you feel bad physically, psychologically, and mentally (ooo fun!) is prolonging the agony of getting well.

Your childhood is over. Forever.
Now is the time for you to offer yourself the love you so desperately crave. Feed your own soul. It'll tell you exactly how to do it if you'll learn to listen.

I honestly doubt you hate all humans. If there were any truth to that, you wouldn't have created an account here. To the best of my knowledge - behind every post on this forum is a human.

Trust doesn't come easily and it's certainly not going to come before love. Start with that. Stop torturing yourself with alcohol - that's one way to start loving yourself. Care = love.

Anna

Welcome back, Laura and I'm glad you want to stop drinking.

I wonder if you've ever considered therapy as an option? It might be something to think about. Also journaling can help you to release some of those old, negative emotions.

Surrendered19

Hi Laura. Just being able to identify all of that in your past means you can overcome it. I also notice that you have at least thought about being happy, fulfilled and loved, which means you can have those things too. But we cannot overcome our past and leave it behind and we cannot have healthy relationships unless we are sober, healthy and show ourselves to be worthy of good relationships.

I really hope you are ready to leave drinking and drugging behind for good. Neither has done you any favors and they have kept you in your wounded state. But I notice one of your first thoughts was merely to take a few days off from drinking due only to the lack of funds. I hope you rethink that and can quit. Have you thought about how you would stay sober?

Laura3

Drinking doesnt help the anger, it only makes it worse. Im not planning on drinking again, just hoping a few days of clarity might give me the drive I need. Its almost unconscious the way I just get back into it again. I dont hate all humans, I just dont have a lot of tolerance anymore. Too many sociopathic friends put the nails in the coffin. I kicked them out of my life then even good people were kicked out. I got comfortable alone with alcohol. I dont think therapy will help because every time Ive seen them they just listen. They dont really point in any direction. Probably getting healthy friends would be a start

Sober45

Glad to see you’re thinking things through and coming to a deeper understanding of what motivates you to drink. Im sorry you’ve haven’t found a counsellor to help direct you better. I’m familiar with cognitive behaviour therapy and my daughter is doing dialectal behaviour therapy. Some self help reading in either of those areas might be something to look at. The Feeling Good Handbook by dr Davis Byrne changed my life for the better. Reading self help has been just as good as in person counselling for me. Don’t give up.

Hevyn

Hi Laura. I'm glad you wanted to talk about what happened to you. I'm so sorry for the painful things you've been through. Drinking just masks the pain, as you've found out. It's good you're aware of the reasons you drank & know it isn't an answer. You can get free of it and have a great life, in spite of everything that went wrong.

MaximusD

I think you should try therapy if you haven't already. A good therapist will drive a conversation that can free you from a lot of that stuff and sometimes it comes all of a sudden, as if the weight was lifted. Save the money and get a therapist. If you find a therapist who is still trying to get hours for whatever their final "Certification" is they are cheaper but can be just as effective.

Laura3

I admit im not 100% committed to quitting yet. I believe the way my life is right now itd be hard to avoid the triggers. Thats why im trying to figure out what I can do to make quitting for good possible. Going a few days here and there still is an improvement for me, but to have confidence ill quit for good when im unemployed and isolated isnt realistic. Its the worst place to be, too much time, not enough support. I feel like I need to change my life first before I can make drastic changes to my habits

LumenandNyx

Just to be clear - not drinking again IS changing your life.
It's one small step that has monumental consequences.

Surrendered19

Drinking will prevent any positive changes from ever happening in your life Laura. It is a dark, descending road that you are on and you need to get off that road before it's too late, and you need to get off that road before any good can happen in your life.

Laura3

Its better to do harm reduction and have periods of days not drinking expecting a relapse than to be discouraged and lose sight of the goal altogether. I know how I am, I know spending day after day doing nothing productive sets me up in a no win situation battling alcoholism.

aasharon90

It was important for me to learn what I could and couldn't
or shouldn't do when I got into recovery. Lessons I had to
learn and relearn over and over again until they finally
sunk in.

My recovery began at 30 yrs old, a stay at home mom
and wife. Family sought me help by placing me into the
hands of those capable of teaching me about my addiction
and handing me a healthy, positive, effective program of
recovery to use as a guideline to live by each day I remained
sober moving forward in my life.

There were a many meetings I went to and opened my
ears and mind to what was discussed teaching me how
to live a healthy, happy, honest way of life to achieve many
of lifes blessings and rewards.

If anyone had any kind of inkling that one day they would
be able to drink successfully then it had to be squooshed
right away because if we didnt then we were doomed to
returned to the madness that came with our addiction.

Most folks who had those thoughts did return to their insanity
and some came back in recovery wanting what so many had
that were successful in their own quest for serenity and then
there were those who never made it back.

I was one who had had enough of the craziness of my addiction
and needed and wanted relief and change for a better healthier
happier way of life.

Once i got sober, i put one foot in front of the other and
hung on tightly to many whom where living the sober life
i wanted to achieve and never looked back.

Sure, at 30 yrs old and a mom of 2 beautiful little ones,
balancing recovery and motherhood was tough a many
a times. But not so bad that i would want to throw it all
away from returning back to my addiction that tried to
kill me.

I took and followed direction because so many before
me had and it worked. So over the past 30 yrs of sobriety,
I can tell you that, yes, recovery works because i worked
it day in and day out learning how to live life on lifes terms
without trying to control it with alcohol.

Alcohol kept me sick for a number of yrs robbing me of
the person I truly wanted and needed to be. A healthy,
happy, honest person not only to myself but for others
around me.

I didnt get here today sober with a snap of my fingers.
30 yrs without a drink is a heck of a long time dont ya
think? That's a many one days of keeping and open
mind, willingness to do what is necessary to remain
sober no matter what the day brought me.

With sobriety come experiences, strengths and hopes
of what our lives where and is like before, during and
after our addiction which is what so many have done
with me to help me get me where I am today.

In turn, i try to do the same thing with others because
it gives me a purpose in life which is pretty rewarding.

Surrendered19

Drinking or not, I'm with you Laura. Glad you are on SR and posting. You'll get on top of this.

Dee74

is it better tho - when you know that drinking is not doing anything to fill that void in you, and is actively making things worse?

Its not like you have two choices. You can stop drinking and not relapse

I understand its scary to consider no drinking ever again but thats the only way I started to heal my inner void - it's a void that can never be filled with stuff but .but it can be healed once we stop regularly poisoning our mind and body.

D

ZIP

You know, as a long-term drinker I eventually progressed into isolation drinking...similar to what you described. I didn't want to have relationships with people and was quite happy being alone with a bottle.
And people began to fall away. I had some smart friends, and I'm certain that virtually all of them knew I was an alcoholic. At the time, I really didn't care.

After trying to quit, off and on...it never worked. When I finally decided to get sober, counseling helped. What really helped, though, was the group sessions that went along with it. Every week for a year.
These group folks are just like you and me and the rest of us with drinking troubles.
In a short time, I actually liked attending group. It was like a family getting together. We'd even have snack nights and occasional potlucks. We had about 19 people in our group, and I regard them all as friends...who helped put me back on track to meet other friends.

So if you think I'm trying to sell you something, I am. I think, like these folks in this thread have suggested, you give counseling a try. You might he surprised at what you discover.

I hope to read your posts again and wish you success.
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Delilah1

I’m glad you’re here and posting! This site is a great support.