Ellie323

Was afraid to post this, because I'm ashamed of myself but I need to be honest with myself so here it is. I asked on here the other day about how to handle if friends ask me to have a drink. Well as that turned out, they never even asked me to, but of course me being weak ended up having three glasses of wine over the course of the night. I did not have any more after they left (which is big for me, because normally I would just keep right on drinking until I passed out) and even though I was disappointed in myself I felt proud that I stopped after. I might add that those three wines that I did have while my friends were here did not increase the level of enjoyment that I had whatsoever. They ended up just making me feel kind of icky, and then of course I was disappointed in myself as well. Well then last night was a different story, and I don't know why, maybe because I figured I blew it the night before anyway, but I ended up drinking two bottles of wine and naturally am paying for it today. I had no real reason to do this except maybe boredom? Not that I have reason to be bored, I have lots of things I could have done that would have been healthier for me. I have become active on here recently as well as have spent time reading up on what this poison does to us, so the good news is I was more reflective of things last night as I felt the compulsion to pour wine down my throat. That's kind of what it ends up feeling like the more I drink. A compulsion. Like, I don't want to do it but I have to or something. Or I guess I feel like, well I've blown it now so I might as well just go all the way. I realized a few things from this binge. I really, really no longer want to drink anymore. I really don't find getting drunk enjoyable (this is a huge revelation because that is what has kept me partaking for years- believing I couldn't have fun without alcohol...well turns out I'm not having fun WITH the alcohol and the day after? Sheer hell). I have to figure out a way to deal with my debilitating anxiety without wine, and that's what I have...debilitating anxiety, like so so bad. Even when I go a few days without alcohol the anxiety is bad. My previous doctor had diagnosed me with GAD and I have been on medication in the past for it. I'm no longer on meds (I got off them a few years ago because I worried about the toxic effects of alcohol and the pills on my liver- God forbid I give up drinking), and I do not want to go back on them. I'm hoping beyond hope that if I give myself some real time (not just a week) that my anxiety will subside some. I think that's also part of why I end up bailing on sobriety, because after a few days I still feel anxious and so I get fed up and want to relieve some of the anxiety, if not just for a little while. Anyway, that's what's happening to me right now. I failed again and feel like a complete idiot. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I'm so weak. I completely despise the anxiety that plagues me constantly (and you can imagine the anxiety I have today after two bottles of wine last night along with feeling like a truck ran into me). I am posting this in hopes that this will truly be my day 1 and I really succeed this time. No more lying to myself. If you read this, thanks for reading. Oh, and anyone that feels like they want a drink tonight? Believe me, it isn't worth it. Don't do it. It won't make anything better and you won't feel better for it. Trust me.

Hevyn

Hi Ellie. I'm so glad you posted about what happened. We're here to support you, & not judge. There aren't many of us who got it right the first time with no stumbling.

I did the same thing as you a few times - really thought I could go back to the days when it was just fun & relaxing. It turns out that was impossible - each time I gave in and tried it the results were more horrible than ever. There was no more high and happy - only pure misery. I think you've learned something valuable through this. I know you're disappointed in yourself - but if this leads to sobriety and peace of mind, it's worth it. Thanks for a heartfelt post. I understand how you feel, but this can be the last time! (Maybe write down your thoughts & feelings for when you're tempted again.)

doggonecarl

Sorry to read you are at day one again.

That compulsion has a name. Alcoholism. Not anxiety or boredom or any other reason we say makes us drink. Alcoholism. The Big Book of AA discusses the solution for it. And if not AA, there are other programs.

LumenandNyx

You know that saying out there that goes something like --- Hey! Don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry. You'll buy everything in the store!

Well, that same idea holds true while attempting to stay abstinent when we're too easily tempted by the environment. Your environment included friends that were drinking. Now that you're in the throes of a hangover, the idea to drink again seems ludicrous, yet it's no coincidence that that same idea will likely dissipate around the same time your thirst for alcohol returns.

There are a plethora of ways to confront anxiety. I live with it too and I know what a hinderance it can be. But - I work around it. There is nothing more physically and mentally miserable than withdrawal. Not even anxiety.

Best.

Dee74

Hi Ellie

yeah it took me a long time to realise that if I wanted to change my life, I needed to change my life.

That meant no parties no boozy get togethers for me. I needed to put clear distance between who I had been and who wanted to be.

In time you'll be able to go anywhere and do anything and stay sober and be proud of that - but for now maybe be very careful with the social invites you accept.

I appreciate its a win for you to stop at 3 but my AV would have run with that and said 'hey look you can drink 3 drinks and be ok!'
I always found out, sooner or later, that was not the case for me.

The only safe and healthy number for me and alcohol is zero.

D

Ellie323

It's just insanity. I truly wonder if the severity of my anxiety is a result of years of alcohol abuse. I also wonder if my alcoholism is a result of heredity. I guess the root causes of these things are not really relevant, or are they? I don't know. I do know I just don't want to be this person anymore. I don't know how to shut my brain off from the endless spiralling of worry day after day. I am so angry with myself for not only failing last night, but for failing over and over and over again and wasting so much time. Where do I expect binge drinking to take me? What is my end game with this? Why do I keep doing this to myself over and over? Why is alcoholism so hard to recover from? Arghh, I'm sorry for going on and on..Clearly I don't know how to break this cycle.

Dee74

yeah you do.

• Don't drink.
• Find support to not drink.
• Use that support every time you need it
• Make changes ion your life to reflect your desire not to drink.

If I burn my hand on the stove I learn not to touch the hot stove.

I don't bother thinking about whether stove burns are hereditary or whether my anxiety is caused my the stove burn, or my anxiety led me to touch the stove.

I don't think about touching the stove more lightly to try and get a less painful burn or maybe no burn at all.

I just stop touching the stove.

D

Ellie323

Thank you Dee, but to be clear, I do realize the stopping at 3 really wasn't a win because then in my warped mind I figured I slipped up by drinking anything (and had no reason to have any at all anyway) and ended up bingeing on 2 bottles the next night. I just don't want anyone to think I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that I can control my drinking. I clearly can't.

Orchid1

Ellie you can do this, I kid you not your post is like 90% verbatim something I posted here not to long ago, in fact it may be 2 weeks ago! The exception being the meds part, if you get back on the wagon you've given yourself the best shot! Every minute you choose not to drink is a minute you have improved yourself, taken care of yourself, not gone against your survival instinct so you are at peace. I think that's what people who've been sober past the withdrawals and intense cravings mean, it's a bliss from within that comes from self preservation. Put away your shame and start again! I hope you feel better soon!! Hangovers can be a b@&*#!

Ellie323

I will remember that stove analogy for the future. Thank you.

NONIA

Did you ever go to rehab ?

least

As long as you're still breathing, there is hope of success. Try again, try something different, use SR more.

Ellie323

No I have never gone to rehab. It's hard enough for me to even post here.

Fallow

Those are all good questions I think. I especially love these above.

For me, I expect binge drinking to take me to poor health, awful behaviors, lost time, and ultimately death. My end game is death I think.

I have discovered that there is something inside of me that doesn't want to be here dealing with life on lifes terms. That feeling is going away little by little, but it is definitely still there underneath the surface waiting to get me to choose death and drinking again. I think this recovery stuff is so hard for me because I have to deal with all of life the good and the bad without any anesthetics.

And there are certain times where I have believed I would rather take the death path than dealing with all my life sober.. Subconciously. Those are the dangerous times for me, times I put my hand back on that hot stove and test it again.

PhoenixJ

Welcome Ellie. Posting (especially when I do not want to) is so much more betterer than drinking. 'Play the tape forward' (if you are young and not familiar with this saying- think on what tomorrow will feel like, look like, consequences if you drink). There is no situation- thought/feeling/action I can think of where booze will make it better. I have an addiction to booze..period. This explains all my behaviours, compulsions, thoughts when drinking. All I need to do is accept I cannot drink. Period. Ever. Once that hurdle is passed- the hard work seems easier.
My support to you.

NONIA

I am glad you are posting .
You should check out a rehab near where you live , because just stopping could kill you !

Dee74

Stopping can be sometimes dangerous, but I don't think we should scare people.

Ellie - I think the way towards dealing with your anxiety lies with drinking behind.

I started drinking to try and deal with anxiety but drinking actually made things worse. I started to depend on alcohol - I ended up with my original anxiety and a brand new anxiety whenever I wasn't drinking.

D

NONIA

I am not trying to scare people , just advice .

tomls

We are so glad you are here!

PalmerSage

Ellie, I totally feel for you and can relate so much to your struggle. I was in the same exact place before I finally stopped drinking about 2 and a half years ago. I really believed that alcohol was the only thing that helped my anxiety, when it was actually making it so much worse (although a few days of abstinence is not nearly enough to see the true benefits of sobriety, unfortunately). I had stopped enjoying drinking, it was purely compulsive at the end and I would say to myself constantly "I'm so OVER this." That's the insanity of addiction.

The biggest difference-maker to me was definitely SR. I joined a class (there is one for every month, the only thing you need to do is start posting with others who are quitting in July) and posted constantly. I didn't entertain any romantic thoughts about drinking, I avoided the alcohol aisles in the store completely, and didn't try to fix everything else in my life at the same time (such as my weight): Just this. I identified my "danger zone" between the hours of 4 and 7, which were the hardest to get through in the beginning. I consumed a ton of sugar. I took naps whenever I had the chance. People have said that you need to treat yourself as though you're recovering from a very serious illness, which you are.

Feel free to PM me anytime. I really wish you the best of luck - we are right here with you, but you need to take some serious and definitive action.