CarryTheZero

Hello everyone,

I have lurked these boards on and off for years now but am struggling and hoping getting more involved might help me get on the right path and maybe even help others if I can find success this time around.

To give some background, a strict religious upbringing in school reinforced by parents who never gave me the privacy or independence I craved led me to overdo it in college and graduate school. Instead of responsibly exercising newfound freedoms, I dove headfirst into a lifestyle of excess. Weekend partying and binge drinking evolved into a daily habit which I blamed on my demanding job with its deadlines and long hours, along with some underlying anxiety thrown in for good measure.

Avoiding serious relationships and living alone affords me the time to exercise most days, keeping most outward consequences of drinking at bay, but as I age it is catching up to me. I seem to always remain 10 pounds overweight no matter how hard, how long, or how often I train. Waking up every night around 3 AM dying of thirst and having to pee leaves me constantly fatigued throughout the day and in need of an afternoon nap. In the morning, the alarm clock reminds me it’s time to drag myself out of bed and pray there are no calls or meetings requiring me to think quickly.

I realize drinking is the dumbest thing I do on a daily basis, and hate so much about it. The extra layer of fat from consuming 700+ empty calories per day that never goes away. The constant feeling of fatigue and low energy. The mental fog in the morning. Early baldness. My pores constantly leeching alcohol and sweat into my work clothes. Erectile dysfunction. Approx $100-$200 per month that could be working for me to achieve financial independence going down the toilet instead. The never-ending ringing in my ears made worse. The physical damage that I can’t see but know is there. And this is my reward for putting in an honest day’s work or a good workout? Why can’t I just turn my mind off naturally and go to sleep like a normal person?

I have been able to stop for brief periods of time here and there, usually about 10 days. Then comes a work function, weekend plans, kickball league, or a night out and my brain says why not have a couple drinks and relax - you deserve it and don’t want to be a weirdo, right? Because who can enjoy a day at the beach, in the woods, at lunch/dinner, on a date, or any other fun activity without alcohol because then it would be less fun, right? Then the next day I’m back in the store buying more booze and the cycle repeats. I really want to stop but am getting frustrated. I have tried therapy, guided meditation, reading posts here, self-help books, memoirs etc but kept getting back into it. This is my 3rd day of not drinking and I am hoping I can stop for good this time. I am wondering if I need to try something more drastic like taking an easier job even if it pays less or going to meetings or getting some treatment or drugs. For now I will try coming here every time I feel like drinking.

least

Posting before drinking is a good strategy. If you come here instead of drinking, we can do our best to talk you out of it.

I hope you'll fully utilize the support and resources here to help you get sober for good. It is possible. I got sober over 10 yrs ago and don't regret a minute of it, and never once have I woken up and wished I had drank the night before.

Fallow

Hi CTZ,
I lurked around here for a long time myself. Got some decent sober time going but always went back to it. So far at least. I could never reach escape velocity.

I love your handle, I am a fan of Built to Spill if that's where you got that. I'm also a math nerd in many ways.

Anyway, you said a lot that got me thinking. All those negatives about drinking I can identify with. Especially feeling the unseen health issues creeping into my life. I don't want to continue taking those chances as I age.

The statement above is a question I keep asking myself. Is anything REALLY more fun because of drinking? I enjoy the beach and the woods for the beauty and peace they give me. Alcohol seems like it's enhancing that at the time but I can't decide how true it is. Once I am sober it all goes back to normal. I'll never be able to enhance my life forever without consequences. Even though a part of me wants to try!

I enjoyed drinking for the appearance of and feelings of camaraderie too. I am having to come to terms with the fact that certain relationships I have had are not authentic because we were typically under the influence. I definitely don't want to HAVE to drink in order to maintain my social life. What little of it there is.

Glad you are posting!

Steely

I hope you get longer than 10 days this time, CarryThe Zero. Yours was a good post.

In a nutshell it came down to me knowing (completely) that alcohol was never REALLY going to cut it as a way of life for me. What is it about life, I wonder?

I'm experimenting with life the moment.

I dont go to AA, but like some of their stuff. "Life onLife's Terms", is one.

I'm learning that the challenges of life without alcohol are not as daunting as I first thought. It is life. And I want to be engaged in it. Alcohol never made that possible. A further 10lbs so to speak. The monotony of the workaday. What I once thought daunting has proven not to be true. It's interesting. I like a challenge.

I really hope you stick around and decide to participate. Lots of really interesting people here.

Dee74

Posting here regularly helped me turn my life around - it can help you too CarryTheZero
Glad you came back

D

LumenandNyx

"I am wondering if I need to try something more drastic like taking an easier job even if it pays less or going to meetings or getting some treatment or drugs. For now I will try coming here every time I feel like drinking."

Look at what you wrote.

Stop drinking alcohol. That's the answer.

Anna

I'm glad that you are here and that you are ready to make sobriety work for you. Maybe you can come up with something specific that will help you to get past the 10 day period. We're here for you.

sugarbear1

www.247aaonline.com AA meetings online. I wish you well on your sober journey!

Sober45

I CAN....and so can you. Once you accept moderation is absolutely not possible and that it IS possible to be happy without it, stopping is easier. It takes a lot of time to build up sober muscles and to see that things actually do get better (I'm here now @ almost 7 months sober). I felt just like you but trust me, it's all a lie. Reframe the way you view alcohol. There are a lot of people who enjoy life without alcohol and you can be one of them.

MaximusD

Do what you have to do to stop drinking alcohol. As I have relapsed lately I have added another thing to my toolbelt and never stopped quitting. If I were to keep relapsing I would check myself into rehab. I have absolutely no intention of checking myself into rehab and outing my issues to everyone so I will quit before that. Do what you have to do. One thing I have learned recently that really rings true is sobriety has to be your number 1 thing above all else and you have to WORK to keep it.

Dee74

hows it going CarryTheZero

D

Abraham

Sounds like your getting more serious about it. Sticking around and reading alot and posting and interacting with this forum is what got my mind in the right place to quit for good. It took me 10 years of daily contemplating with myself about quitting and the fact that I needed to. Just f in do it. Sooner the better. You will be able to relax without booze. I drank a ton all day long and now after a year of not drinking, and way sooner than that, relax no problem without booze. Its the booze that makes us think we cant quit or its too hard. then when you have done it and look back you realize it was really not that hard. You just need to break/quit a bad habit. Come here and post before you drink it you feel like you want a drink. Best of luck to you, its much better and more relaxing not having the stress of drinking daily and the anxiety it causes after a while. I feel way better than I did when I drank, and everyone else who quit will tell you the same thing. Because its true, and yea, my bank account has literally never been bigger.

Steely

I think you can have a lot of fun sober. Lots more fun than I thought. You get so see what's really going on. And it's funny.

Think if your job interferes with your sobriety you should change jobs. But don't be rash.

I no longer have to battle question of alcohol. I prefer a thoughtful life. Such a waste.

Hope you stick around and add to the to the discussion. Receive the support, and the connection.

CarryTheZero

Thank you all for the kind words of support and encouragement. I am happy to report I am sticking with it - on day 5 now and already starting to feel so much better in every way.

MaximusD

Congrats!