Ellie323

I cannot believe how much time I have wasted and how long it has taken me to get to this point. I have found my way back to this community because I need to be able to work through this journey without being judged or shamed. I guess I'm hoping for some people to tell me they too have experienced what I am going through, and will help me to know what to expect will come next. I already feel like I'm at the bottom of a pit trying to claw my way out. It has gotten to the point that if I drink, the next day I am completely depressed the entire next day to the point I can't leave my bed. Sometimes its because i can't remember what I did the night before, other times its because I worry incessantly about what I'm doing to my physical and mental health. Even though I have this habitual thought of wishing I could have a drink here and there, I am finally at the point that I'm realizing that no real good is going to come of it. I am not a violent drunk. I usually get cheery and laugh and feel like I'm having fun. That's what makes it so hard to have to say I'm at the end of the line. While I don't drink every day (usually the hangover is so bad the day after I don't ever want to see booze again), I always tend to rationalize within 4-6 days that its okay to have some. There's always the excuses. It's a holiday. It's summer. It's a pandemic. Whatever. There's always the insidious thoughts creeping in telling me why it makes sense to drink. I have very debilitating anxiety. I'm sure that is part of why I tend to turn to the drink. It gives me an immediate relief from all my worries. It's like taking a mini trip from my life for a night. Of course the next day I pay in spades. The anxiety never goes away, it just gets worse. Now I wonder if the anxiety is FROM my alcohol abuse. The old chicken and egg debacle. This has gone on for years and I'm ready to stop this cycle. I finally am seeing that this is not going to get any better by having this continue. I realize that I'm not going to wake up one day and say, that's it, I don't want to drink anymore. This is taking a toll on my health and well-being. I notice the "happiness" I'm feeling is all chemically induced. I realize this is going to take work, effort and support. That is why I'm here. I need advice and support from the great people here. I want to get healthy again. I want to get past a week or two and not look back. I want to feel better. I've just had enough. The trickiest part is when I start feeling better is when that insidious voice is its strongest, telling me it's okay to have a few. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of the stupid things I've done while under the influence. I want to go back and start again but I know I can't. All I can do is move forward. Thanks fo listening to me ramble.

Surrendered19

No shame or judgment here Ellie. Let's get this thing turned around. Can today be your Day 1? The first thing to do is to keep it real simple for several days. Think about a plan for staying sober. Maybe get on a telecall with a health care professional and get some advice. SR is a great place and is one of my main tools for staying sober. You are going to be ok. You deserve to live a health peaceful life of your choosing.

Ellie323

Thank you so much for your reply. I am happy to say that this would be my day 6. This is when things start getting dicey, so I guess I thought I'd try to be proactive and rejoin this community so that I stay the course. I'm not going to lie. Part of me fears life without alcohol. It's been a crutch and so embedded into who I am for so long, I'm not sure about where to go from here. All I know is I'm fed up and I know that something needs to change.

least

Welcome home! The first few days of withdrawal are the worst. Once you get past that, it starts to get better. I hope you will use the support here to help you achieve lasting sobriety.

overforty

Hi Ellie
I can totally relate to everything you've said.
I'm on day 6 too and the short term memory of the crippling hangovers and anxiety are becoming faded - and having a drink doesn't seem like a bad idea.
Utter lunacy!
Keep posting and reading SR to drum it in that alcohol solves nothing.
All it does is put you back in bed with anxiety after a blackout.
x

doggonecarl

That voice, the addictive voice, is present in untreated alcoholism. There is more than one solution to alcoholism. What level of effort are you willing to put in to address it?

Perhaps start with Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT). But it's more than reading it and thinking, "Oh, that makes sense." The "T" in AVRT implies action on your part to battle the AV.

Sober45

I could have written your post a while ago. . But I’ll soon be 7 months sober. Trying to moderate is what kept me stuck for so many years. I had to accept once and for all moderation is not possible. And then I had to stay VERY active in my sobriety every single day... constantly reminding myself of why I chose to stop. Building up my sober muscles day by day.

Today I can say much of the anxiety I had is gone. It took weeks of sobriety for me to see how alcohol was actually causing the anxiety I was trying to fix.

For me, I ate a lot of sugar in the beginning... lots of juice. A simple thing but it filled the void and really helped me. Still does. Still lost 10lbs since I stopped.

even though it may not seem like it, life can and will be more enjoyable as a sober person. You won’t be missing out on a thing (as your AV would have you believe).

Anna

Welcome, Ellie and I'm glad you're here and on Day 6. Fantastic!

I very much relate to the anxiety/depression that you experience when you drink. I don't know if you had those feelings before you drank, but I did. However, drinking made them so much worse. I am sure that you will feel better when you stop drinking for good. I still have anxiety, but it's manageable now.

Do not listen to the voice in your head. It wants to keep you hooked and in the downward spiral. You can move forward in your life without alcohol. We're here for you.

MaximusD

Ellie, you are on the right track. First off, don't worry about not drinking forever. Focus just on today. Many people make a date in the future that they can drink. Some make it past their life span such as 2150 I will drink. Others make it when they turn 80 knowing that if they do get to that point sober they probably won't want to drink anyway. It is hard to accept a lifetime of sobriety so go a day at a time. I am at a point where I am so pissed at alcohol I don't even want nor see the point in having a few drinks of that poison. Hang in there and stay close. I have had anxiety for my whole life and with some sober time AND exercise it improves dramatically. I have recently cleaned up my diet which has also helped. You can do it but these next few weeks might be hard. Just stay close here and power through.

Mary88

Hi Ellie. That cycle you describe is very familiar. It's great you are on day 6 now. The early days and weeks are the hardest. If you keep going it will get easier.