Dinkydi1960

I have been dealing with an alcoholic for about 10 years now. We have been married for 39 years. The devastation he has left on our family Has been so bad our children no longer come around and he’s not allowed to see his grandchildren. He was a good father and grandfather until recently when he decided he just wasn’t going to let people tell him he couldn’t drink. He goes through roughly 40 drink cask wine every 2 days. He is so out of control he calls everyone including his daughter inlaws the c word. I have had such sadness watching him disappear that I’ve had depression so am now seeing a physiologist. I was his enabler for so long I had to relearn how to look after myself. He hasn’t worked or paid bills for seven years. While I have had to work and pay everything. He has no guilt and it’s everyone else’s fault why he drinks. We have all learnt to say no now and I am getting on with my life basically without him even though we live in same house. I feel very emotional a lot thinking about who he used to be. And for my grandchildren who miss their poppa. He refuses help so now I am just watching him die. He does have a lot of mental issues. He makes up stories. Talks to himself and is very aggressive. I hoped he would change for his kids but I now know he won’t. He has spent all his superannuation on pokies and gambling without so much as telling me he was getting it out and has got us into debt many times. I have lost a lot of love for him but my worry is he will die alone so I stay and am miserable. His own family don’t see him because they know how he has treated us. I hope to read and get the courage I need to go. Dawn Schapel.

Be123

Hi Dawn. I'm currently going through a separation (married 20 years) because I'm addicted to alcohol. I haven't drunk for 143 days but the way you have described your husband makes me wince as I can see so much of that terrible, hurtful behaviour in myself.

I can't give you any advice but I feel for you and I am sure other people who have more experience will be able to help you. I wish you all the best

Dee74

Hi Dawn

I am sorry for what brings you here but you'll certainly find understanding and support here.

Hopefully we can help you do what you need to do for your future happiness.
Welcome aboard

D

Stable

Your husbands behaviour is totally unacceptable. Losing his pension gambling and expecting you to go to work and support him is selfish beyond belief.

10 years of that abuse is too long. I hope you find the courage to leave.

Hodd

I’m afraid he’ll continue to drink until you threaten to leave. We’ve only got one life. Don’t waste any more of yours on someone who’s that far gone and self centred. Really sorry. I was a drunk husband, and although I wasn’t abusive, I could have an unreasonable temper and be selfish. Luckily I quit of my own accord, and life’s way better. In retrospect, my wife probably would have been better elsewhere during my “wasted years”.

Surrendered19

Hi Dawn. I say this as gently as I can - you need to finally stop being his very last enabler. And, you need to go live your life. You get one walk on this earth and then that's it. You are no spring chicken - neither am I - but we can live good lives and have some peaceful years to spend with our kids and grandkids. Get away from your husband. He is halfway under the bus and you are crawling under there with him. I was an alcoholic like him and one thing is certain - nothing you do will make him stop drinking. Only he can do that. Please go live your life.

Hodd

Plus a friend of my wife has/had an alcoholic husband. As far as I know he wasn’t abusive, but he spent all of his free time in the pub. He was recently diagnosed with cirrhosis. It’s game over. He’s dying slowly, and guess who’s his nurse during all of this? His wife. Her life’s well and truly on hold whilst the inevitable happens. There but for the grace of whoever go I, and you too potentially.

Easy for us to say, but if my wife had walked out because of my drinking, I might have stopped years earlier.

Be123

This is exactly what it took for me to stop. I was so selfish when I was drinking, and in the thrall of an active addiction that made me seriously mentally ill. I COULDN'T prioritise properly - it was only the shock of my wife leaving me that shook me out of my alcoholic stupor. And I only remain able to make decisions half way sensibly by not taking the first drink

Bethany57

You deserve so much better. Leave. Do you have a place to go if you can leave?

biminiblue

I have read this story many many times on the Friends & Family of Alcoholics subforum on this site.

He may die if you leave, that certainly does happen but it could take years or it may not happen. It's not your fault if he does.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It's up to him. Sounds like he has shown you who he is today - and he is not the man you married. It happens for all kinds of reasons, but with an addiction there is no remorse - he's just gone, until and unless he cleans up. That's unfortunately not the way all of them end.

I've read stories of people who did get better after their spouse left them. There is hope, but for now that hope is on you taking back your one precious life. Rebuild. You can start over in a peaceful home away from him, and your children will be by your side. So will everyone here. (Well, virtually at least.)

Anna

Dawn, I'm glad you are beginning to take care of yourself and that you're seeing a therapist.

I hope that you can find some peace in your life.

Steely

Hi Dinkydi. What a great username you've chosen.

I'd be leaving

He's a selfish prat. Withdrawing his superannuation without telling you is deplorable. Possibly illegal? And the "C" word. Ugh!

I can't see it getting any better until you leave. Better for you, that is. Maybe it will see him change, but I doubt it. Not seeing his grandchildren and family, doesn't seem to have changed anything.

His recovery is dependent on himself, not you, dinkydi. I'm still learning this lesson. And it's good when I do.

Sounds to me you want to leave, but fear for him. Time for him to fear for himself.

I hope you have the means to pull off your plan.

Khorhey

My good friend has a wife that is bipolar and stops taking medication and drinks too. I told him take her to the treatment center and tell her either she gets help or you are leaving. They have good insurance and they were ready to take her.

Guess what it worked. She’s going to her appointments and things are much better.

Tell him either go into rehab right away or you’re leaving period. Do it today. Move out and put it in writing.

nez

Are you helping him by staying? Are you helping yourself by staying? He got on the elevator and pushed the button for the basement. It will continue on whether you are on the elevator or not and the buttons are out of your reach, but you can jump off before it gets there. In my experience, the elevator will reach the basement faster with just a solo rider.

Jumping off will be hard and painful, but the ride doesn't require two passengers and he doesn't get to pick your floor, only you get to do that. Misery loves company. Once in the basement, without company, he might be quicker to get back on the elevator and push the up button.

sugarbear1

I strongly suggest you go to Al Anon and work those steps so you can heal.

I wish you well on your healing.

Cityboy

Dawn, so sorry to read your story and imagine what you have been going through. Sounds like you know what you need to do but feel guilty about it, which is totally understandable.

MissPerfumado

Hi Dawn, I am so sorry to read this.

If you were his enabler for many years, there was a co-dependency going on. There may be therefore be huge fear of the unknown, some martyrdom elements in your staying, and a lot of your identity tied up in your suffering as the alcoholic's spouse.

Please understand I'm not trying to blame you, I know these relationships are complex. My parents engaged in this miserable dance for decades.

You need to find yourself in all of this. Dawn the human being, Dawn the woman, Dawn the mother and grandmother, Dawn the friend.

I think you need to both understand that you're not responsible for him AND be able to see the life you will build independently of him and his alcoholism.

least

I hope for your sake, and your children's sake, you can find the courage and the means to make a life without him. He has to decide he wants to get better, and in the meantime, you and your family are suffering. I hope you can find a way to make a new life without all his manipulating and abuse.